My boyfriend won’t break up due to my mental health issues…?

[avony12]

I told my boyfriend that we’d need to break up because of some mental health issues. I have panic attacks and right now isn’t a good time for a relationship. He still keeps calling me saying he doesn’t want to break up. What can I do?

[Adam_INTJ]

Avony, while your boyfriend has a wrong idea that breakups need to be mutual, I fear that you may have critical erroneous belief as well.

The road to recovery from anxiety is not to avoid go around what makes you anxious. The only way out is through.

Unfortunately, our generation has been overly coddled and protected from every discomfort. This has made us weaker in character than our grandparents. I'd like to recommend you to the book "Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up" By Abigail Shirer. She talks about some of the contributing factors, and gives some hints to how to get better. And it's not by having a therapist prompt you to cry for an hour. That only makes a habit out of crying.

Your boyfriend may be posing a healthy challenge for you, because relationships are hard, but they're also part of life, so it's best to grow in your ability to navigate relationships and live with others. If relationships make you anxious, then it's better to master the anxiety instead of trying to be happy alone.

Feelings are not reality. Reality is reality, so don't let your feelings destroy your reality.

[NamerOfStars]

Tell him that even if he doesn't want to break up (and his loyalty is commendable, if misguided), being with him would make things worse for you now, and that you need to be on your own for a bit. That much is probably true; if it also is, you can add that while you might someday be in a better mental space, and able to be in a relationship, but you don't know when, or even if, that will happen, and you don't want to hurt him by making him wait around for something that might never happen.

[rosemilk]

hmm yeah that's a tough one. honestly, good for you for prioritizing your mental health. but his insistence of staying together is a bit of a problem, especially when you told him you two need to break up so you can fix your panic attacks. you should always come first, especially when it comes to things like this. i think you need to stop being nice about it and just say you are breaking up with him and then completely drop it, put phone on silent, block him, or go no contact. this isn't fair to you.

[Aubrey97]

He doesn't need to agree. It only takes one person to end it. You told him you're ending it. It's ended. He may not be able to fully grasp why yet and wants explanations for his own comfort but ultimately he can't just declare you're still together when you ended it. Explain to him how and why the relationship is causing panic, not simply saying that it is.

[HollyK21]

Ignore him? If you want to break up you don’t need his permission.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Whilst I would agree normally, when a person is suffering with mental anxiety it is best if you can make the other desist, as opposed to taking all the action yourself, as they may still keep on bothering her

[HollyK21]

Easier said than done, I definitely agree that can be applied even without the mental health issues. Still, if he’s a selfish person (which it sounds like he is) there will be no desist. He’s solely acting in his own best interest without consideration for her. In which case I’d say she shouldn’t wait for the green light on his end and protect her mental health first. Someone has to care about it.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Tell him it is making you ill to be in a relationship, and if he ever cared about you then he should do the right thing and for the sake of your health,,, let you go!

[Iron_Man]

Why are you being like that you’re supposed to be a team he’s supposed to be able to help you out just because you’re having mental problems doesn’t mean you have to shut down the world

[avony12]

The relationship is contributing to my panic attacks

[Iron_Man]

What happened?

[avony12]

A lot is going on with work, church and extra curricular activities. He’s become very needy and I can’t accommodate right now. He wants to be on the phone 9+ every night. Or whenever I have free time to call him. When I use that free time to decompress.

[Iron_Man]

You guys can work out a schedule, but I don’t think you’re very serious about this guy anyway

[avony12]

We can. But this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. I don’t think he understands my need for a schedule. He thinks ‘something’ is going on in the background.

[slatyb]

It takes two people to continue a relationship. What do you want?

[AngryCarl]

Your boyfriend understands that you have issues but he will stick around anyway. That's a good thing.