Girls and Guys! How do I tell him and reject him without him hurting me?

Question

I am a 21-year-old trans girl, who despite not being on hormones yet (starting them the day after tomorrow), already has a very feminine appearance due to my petite stature (4.59 feet/140 cm and 72.75 lbs/33 kg) and a condition that prevents my body from properly absorbing nutrients, leading to a lack of male height and a feminine face.

About a year ago, my parents and I moved to a new city where one of our neighbors (34 m) became friends with my parents. I have sometimes pet-sat for him (he has two dachshunds) and last Thursday he made advances toward me.

This is complicated because, like others in the city, he doesn't know I'm trans. You might say "honesty is the best policy" and that I should divulge that I'm trans. I used to believe this until I almost paid with my life for being honest in the summer of 2021.

I reluctantly went with my two best friends to a bar (I've always been shy and scared of people because almost everyone is taller and stronger than me). After about 30 minutes of nagging, I agreed to go. Thirty minutes in, a guy approached and flirted with me. I immediately told him I was trans. He turned away, then punched me in the face, breaking my nose. The blow was so strong I fell to the floor. He stomped on my chest twice, breaking five ribs that punctured my lungs. He was about to stomp on my head, but two guys stepped in. I'm scared history will repeat itself. I do find our neighbor attractive but have never shown interest due to caution and fear since the incident.

How do I tell him I'm trans? Or better yet, what reason should I give for rejecting him? I already said no, but he is persistent. Telling him I'm trans might make him less interested, but what if he attacks me too? I can't defend myself due to my physique. I don't want to involve my parents because I feel ashamed. I don't know what to do.

Alli112 · Accepted Answer

I'm assuming you're not interested based on your language (and low key that age gap is a bit of a red flag for me), so on the bright side that makes this easier. Honestly you can just say no, you don't owe him a reason. The "no" in and of itself is your honesty. However if he presses and asks why, just give a reason like "I'm not interested in dating/hooking up right now" or "you're not my type" etc. It can be vague and still 100% true. The fact that you're trans isn't a concern if your only goal is to reject him, even if that is your primary reason.

Your past experience with this issue is really saddening to hear and I'm so sorry you had to go through with that. But I'd say that you're correct in your hesitancy to come out to someone you don't necessarily know very well or trust. It's tragic that people are capable of acting that way, but it's still the reality. Don't risk yourself just to give some guy more info than he actually needs, but if you do choose to do so, make sure it's a setting where you have some means of getting help or defending yourself (ex. carrying pepper spray or doing it while your parents are in the house, even if they're not physically present for the conversation).

I don't know too much about approaching people as a trans person (I'm cis), but I think my trans friends, from what they've mentioned, usually just try to make friends with people first and come out once they know that they're safe and try to frequent places/social groups that are more likely to be safe to begin with. (Or they're using dating apps where they can put the fact that they're trans in their bio to begin with. But an in-person scenario where someone doesn't already know is obviously difficult)

_Maya_ · Accepted Answer

I moved your question per update. It probably got placed in health and fitness because of all the phsycial measurements and attributes you list. That said I don't believe a single word of your story. Here is why. Instead of asking what you should do about the assailant you are asking how to approach other men and let them know you are transsexual. What did you do about the guy that broke your lung and rubs... allegedly? You left out that part. I'd be much more concerned with dealing with that part of the ordeal than figuring out how to approach other guys as a transsexual don't you think? I can understand why you are worried about future encounters but I don't think that is the most important part of this story. I think you should be far more concerned about what to do about the guy that beat the shit out of you, which you don't address at all. Such a traumatic experience would be top of my mind and not how to pick up or reject guys.

molonski2 · Accepted Answer

Ohh broken ribs extremely painful.

Look , just based on here ( Thailand ) many Gattoy / Trans and everything else you can imagine , I've found simply knowing a few of these guys , as in around town , they have told me its always safest to be upfront immediately so always declare.

Of course here , they are long used to all this stuff , so people don't act aggressively , there is no excuse for what happened to you , and bottom line it will affect you , just tell this guy straight away.

MisterWack · Accepted Answer

Have a friend / companion accompany you to tell him the truth. Sit him down and tell him everything that led to you not telling the truth…. Say you were at the bar and this guy flirted with you, you told him the truth then he beat you up for being different…. Tell him this is why I had a hard time just being open & honest with you because I am Trans. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Say it just like that , he should understand.

Bring someone along just in case.

Ez-Bri-Z_v2 · Answer

Unfortunately you are kind of getting a crash course into the male psyche when they believe their manhood is being questioned as well as what it's like telling the wrong guy no as a woman at the same time.

I think if you are going to say anything, try to be in a public place again. Not that it stopped the last guy, but it did prevent it from getting worse. You could also come armed with something for self defense if it comes to it. Doesn't have to be a gun, could just be mace or something. They are also friends with your parents right? Maybe they could drop the hints for you (assuming they know you're trans).

Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you and maybe you'll even be pleasantly surprised by the reaction.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

you don't have to say things you are not comfortable with simply tell the guy you are not ready for new people in your life and be very firm

rosemilk · Answer

you don't know him and you can't trust him, and it's not his business at this moment. i'd refrain from telling him, mainly because of the fact that you're worried about your safety too. just in case. you don't really have to give a legitimate, real reason. just keep saying no. the reason why i wouldn't trust this guy is because he keeps pushing, even tho you have said no multiple times.

DarkLegacy · Answer

Rubbish story

Girls and Guys! How do I tell him and reject him without him hurting me?

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