Is it weird to be in your late 30s and still hung up on your ex from years ago?

[Anonymous]

I know for some people moving on takes time but after a certain couple of years, shouldn’t you at least make an attempt to actually let go? Especially if your ex is already happily in a new relationship and have been for years. I don’t see the point of wasting years of your life waiting for someone that most likely will never return. I especially don’t see the point of purposefully trying to sabotage your ex’s relationship in an attempt to win them back over.

I’ve seen this happen to a couple of my friends, they don’t realize that they’re wasting years of their youth on some guy who has moved on with their lives. I just don’t understand why… sometimes I just wanna shake them and go like “do you realize you’re getting old? Get over it!!” lol

Yes, move on

No, healing takes time

Other

[DishLady]

Sigh...

It's certainly not unusual... I know a person who's in the early 50s and still hung up on a first love... It's something that lingers with you if you haven't let go of the person.

It's also not healthy to hang on to someone who hasn't been in your life... or to harbor feelings of resentment that lead you (or in this case your friend) to ruin the future of others.

The only healthy option is to fully let go and move on.

• For some people it's easy to get feelings down to a low simmer that gradually dies out and cools into a "fossil" within the person's past.
• For other people it's difficult to let go because they have trouble understanding and adapting, trouble seeing the effects of their own negative thoughts and actions, mistakenly feeling that infinite attempts at reconciliation will be possible.

Some people need to work with a professional therapist to work through this. You'll see "replacement" coping mechanisms (like overdoing it at the gym, stress smoking, or stress eating etc.); you may also see the person give up and let themselves go completely once the reality of their life without the other person sets in.

[Asker]

Really great points you got there! Some people just learn to live with the heartbreak that never goes away. I understand how difficult it could be for some to move on if they’ve never had any proper closure. It’s sad and I feel for them…

[DishLady]

(I think people over-think the concept of "closure" and forget to actually move on.)

[Asker]

Very well said… it’s like hunting a unicorn, they’re chasing something that might not even exist

[BikingTrail]

Not really an ex, but I talked to a woman many years ago on a dating site. We only talked once or twice, she closed her account and i forgot about her. About 3 weeks later she saw me in my city (she lived in a different city) outside of a mall and walked up to me. To say I was shocked was an understatement. But we talked and said she was moving away but we hung out together the rest of that day. We went in the mall, later to a park, and after that to a beach in another town, then invited me over to her place. We got along so well that she invited me into her room. We got totally naked and had quite a lot of fun, but didn't have sex. I stayed overnight. After that we went out once more, she literally showed up at my door because she knew where i lived from dropping me off the first time. So that was also unexpected, but then she moved. It was the best first date i ever had and it wasn't even planned ahead of time. I still think about her quite a bit because it was a great memory. Had she not moved I am sure we would have kept going out. But it did make me realize the personality of the next one I hope to be involved in. Not sure if I'm "hung up" but i do look at her pictures online from time to time, thinking about that amazing weekend

[Asker]

Seems to me that this is more of a case of “the one that got away”. Looks like you have a lot of “what if” feelings for her which makes sense since you never really got to actually date her. Have you ever thought about reaching out to her again?

[BikingTrail]

i thought about it a few times but she's too far away and seeing someone, it wouldn't really accomplish anything

[Asker]

It’s best to let her go and move on 😔

[TDDMS]

I had a similar situation as you. There was a period where I was numb to everything. I didn't realize that there was a girl who liked me and the feeling was mutual. It wasn't until a few years later when I emerged from the emotional numbness that I realized she liked me. I spent the next few years kicking myself every day for allowing the numbness to control me. I thought about her for a while. But overall I had to move on. It's difficult. Looking back what scares me is allowing the emotional numbness to reemerge causing me to miss out on women and life.

[Asker]

That makes sense, I guess you finally realized that you had it good back then but you failed to see it at the time. Happens to the best of us

[kylee2437]

The last guy that I talked to was like this, and honestly all in all, it made me realize that he really doesn’t deserve a relationship at all and probably caused a lot of problems in that relationship for him to still be hung up and waiting around for her to eventually break up with her new boyfriend , that was the vibes he heavily gave off. He texted me the other day, and I really wanted to text “sorry I have a boyfriend now” but I chose to ignore him instead. Love putting an end to a man’s games

[Asker]

That’s so true. It’s a major red flag and I’m glad you didn’t entertain him any further. I understand if they’re wishing for a second chance with their ex but to put their life on hold for something that might never even happen, let alone wishing for their ex’s new relationship to fall through is just so toxic.

[kylee2437]

@asker he said it to me “there was one time where she dated someone for 8 months and then messaged me again” so the whole time I felt like he was waiting for her, meanwhile putting me in the middle of it. And also ghosted me after a horrible time period. I’m so happy that my final response to him was leaving him on read when he messaged me last week

[Asker]

That’s so unfair to you and to any other girl (s) that he might get involved with later on… I think you did the right thing by leaving him on read, he might see any response as a green light. Seems kinda obsessive not gonna lie…

[kylee2437]

I have a boyfriend now, so I wouldn’t even bother but the amount of crap I went through for a simple talking stage with that guy blows my mind. All because he was stuck on his ex. He made me delete tinder forever and I’m happy about that

[Asker]

Good riddance! I’m happy that you managed to get out if it before you got too involved with him. I’m currently dealing with something similar but it’s my boyfriend’s ex that’s being obsessive and weird, just hoping that she would go away lol

[kylee2437]

Ew tell your boyfriend to hit the block button everything and good riddance with her.

[Asker]

I don’t know why we both didn’t even think of that, good idea! Thanks so much for sharing your experience, I wish you and your boyfriend the best!!

[V_Injector]

There is a term for this you should look up if you want some brain food,

"Alpha-widowed"

[Asker]

Never heard of it before but what about guys who are still hung on on their exes from years ago. Are they also alpha-widowed then?

[V_Injector]

I would say yeah to that. I just rarely see the same thing from males... and I think the reason for that is...

The demands are usually placed on the males. But I guess that part actually depends on the culture... like what country? ... with that said... very few places have such a high demand for males. Maybe a place that's had all the men killed like in a war... maybe.

[Asker]

That’s pretty logical. It’s still sad tho to see someone wasting their 30s being hung up on their ex

[Tiktok_Broccoli_Girl]

## POV: The Struggle is Real

It’s like, u can’t just hit pause on life, right? 💔 FWIW, it’s totally normal to feel stuck sometimes, but like, holding onto an ex when they’ve moved on is just a recipe for heartbreak soup. 🍲

Tbh, it’s wild how some peeps think they can just swoop in and mess with their ex’s new vibe. Like OMG, sis, let them live! 🙅‍♀️ Time to focus on u and ur own glow-up instead of chasing ghosts. ✨

[V_Injector]

@Tiktok_Broccoli_Girl I agree with this. I mean it sort of shits on the magic you could be having with someone new just because the ex happens to outshine this or that quality of someone that's now in front of you.

@Asker I just found a better and more professional term for what I was trying to describe...

'Limerence' ---> Although I think the term 'alpha-widowed' does a better job of describing how the past tense relationship shits on the present tense relationship... all due to limerence.

[Tiktok_Broccoli_Girl]

@v_injector we do need a key word... "I'm not a cuck."

[Asker]

@Tiktok_Broccoli_Girl preach!! I just think it’s so selfish and inconsiderate for people to mess with their ex’s new relationships just bcs they’re struggling to move on… Like c’mon… you’re an adult in your late 30s, better grow up and move on 😌

@v_injector okay that sounds way more sophisticated lol People need to start living in the present, I don’t want to deal with past shit anymore

[Finchie40]

It’s a waste of time but some people are mentally ill and can’t let go of the past

[Asker]

Yeah it’s sad…

[Finchie40]

It’s sad to witness for sure , I witnessed guys’ and girls’ do it plenty of times , it mainly stems down to the emotional connection they shared with that person sadly a lot of people have abandonment issues , that stems down from when they were a child , so it’s hard for them to let go of the past , they honestly should seek counseling , because they are holding onto something that is no longer there. I also had ex girlfriends’ from my past try to re enter into my life again years later , making me think what in the hell are you smoking , why I usually don’t take exes back period especially if they betrayed me. I did accept 2 exes back in my lifetime , because the reason we broke up in the first place was over stupid things , so it’s very rare that I will accept an ex back into my life. I am usually good at forgiving, but not good with forgetting , Both the exes I gave another chance to were both a waste of time , I kick myself in the ass for falling for it. It definitely was a learning experience. So something I lean to not doing anymore , I prefer meeting someone new that I have no resentments towards whatsoever , My thing is , if someone truly loves you? They wouldn’t leave you period

[Asker]

I mean sometimes it makes sense to wait for an ex in hopes of getting back together with them IF there was somewhat of an agreement already made before the break up. Some people do break up to work on themselves, etc before getting back into the relationship. Other than that, an ex is an ex for a reason… why bother reading the same book if you already know the ending 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Finchie40]

That’s the thing I don’t wait for
Exes to make up their mind , to me it’s a bunch of excuses , if you truly love and care about someone , you don’t need time away from them. , you either fix what’s broken together , or it was nice knowing you

[Asker]

Very well said!

[Finchie40]

Taking an ex back to me is a very slim chance that I would , I have done it before not going to lie , but realized it was a waste of time , so for me to even consider taking an ex back , she would have to climb a lot of walls for me to even consider giving her another chance, especially if there is resentments set into play. Not saying it can’t happen , just saying it’s a very slim chance

[sage2021]

The one that gets left behind is the one that is hurt the most.

I don't think a person ever has to "Get Over It" EVER if they don't want to or just can't and why should they? Because it makes YOU uncomfortable they have to change? You cannot change the hurt a person has in their 💔 just by telling THEM to get over it.

Just leave them alone about it and be a good friend and try to understand they're still hurting because it was so painful to lose that person when they weren't through loving them.☮️

[Asker]

I understand that some people take longer to heal and move on, some don’t even end up healing at all. I will be supportive if that was the case but when it escalates to them not being able to accept reality and for them to actively sabotage their ex’s new relationship is where I draw the line. I no longer have sympathy for them if they go out of their way to hurt someone else’s feelings/life just because they couldn’t accept their pain.

[sawno]

Its possibly more complex then that. If they had a parricularly incredible ex like I have its not a matter of expecting them to come back its a matter of nobody else coming close. And for me to love someone that deeply she at least needs to be on a lovable level.

So if we take that into account and the smaller dating pool into account they may not be able to meet the right person easily and instead keep hoping for the ex to return.

[Asker]

I understand if the love with the ex was deep and intense which makes it hard to move on from but the ones that I’ve been seeing had distant and cold relationships with their exes, could it be that they’ve finally realize that they took their ex for granted? Only wanting them back after they’ve left?

[rienna888]

I’m still hung up on the 2nd last guy I dated, he was just so perfect but also sketchy AF. So yeah I tried my best to push him away. Now that I’ve succeeded im still pining over him. I also love another guy who expressed desire for me for about a month and suddenly stopped. Which really hurt me, I’m still trying to heal from both

[Asker]

I think that’s completely valid, healing takes time and sometimes you need a much longer time than others. I only think it’s weird and immature when people are purposefully waiting for their ex to break up with their new partner in hopes that the ex will come back to them. Otherwise, take all the time you need to heal

[RingOfFire]

No question you need to move on but it's not that weird. I have a girlfriend from high school who still won't leave me alone... And she's been married since she was 18. Plus she's a year older than me.

She's had a crush on me for over 50 years and I gave up trying to get rid of her.

Your obsession is not good for you. You need to let it go and move on. Life is like that sometimes.

[Asker]

I definitely agree. Holding on to an ex can get really toxic when it has reached a certain point. Why waste years of your life waiting for someone who most likely will never return, you’re an ex for a reason…

That’s so unfair for your ex’s partner that she’s still hung up on you even when she’s already married. I feel sorry for her husband.

How did you deal with her obsession? I’m currently dealing with an obsessed ex as well and I’m getting exhausted

[RingOfFire]

I've told her over and over again I don't feel comfortable having any contact with her because her husband doesn't know that she's contacting me.

Her husband knows who I am because I was at her wedding 50 years ago. And I don't feel like doing this to him.

I still consider her a friend, but I have no interest beyond that in her. But she is obsessed with me and no matter what I do she disappears for a while but then comes back. She's had a drug problem and a diction issues in her life and I think a lot of mental issues. She's a good person but I think her addiction problem made her somehow addicted to me.

It's hard to deal with, especially since I like her and I don't want to hurt her. What happens is I keep telling her that we need to let it go and try to gently convince her that she's making me uncomfortable and to please stop. Eventually if I do that enough she goes away for a while. But she always comes back and has some excuse and tries to trick me into talking to her.

I really don't have a good answer for you because I haven't been successful myself. It's a bad problem to have.

[strangeatcircleK]

Some people never really stop loving people. It's tough

Think about losing a family member, like they passed away.

Can I simply tell you, it's been 20 years. Just get over it.

Probably not, it's an emotional scar that's with you the rest of your life. You lost someone you love.

It's kind of that way with relationships

[Asker]

That makes sense, thanks so much for sharing a new perspective!

I do understand that for some people moving on is very hard but it’s just sad when they’re refusing to let go of their ex, it means that they’ll be missing out on meeting someone new… There comes a time when holding on to the past gets toxic eventually

[strangeatcircleK]

I agree with you. It's tricky when you give your heart to a person because sometimes it's hard to let the love you had go or move on from it

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Not really weird, but I feel sad for them. They prefer to torture themselves. The longer they hold onto it, more painful it gets. Life goes on.. if they still live in the past, how else can they find a new partner? A new beginning?

[Asker]

Exactly! I feel said bcs they’re wasting their lives waiting on someone who have moved on completely from them… They’re basically allowing themselves to stay stuck in the past, missing out on the potential of building a future with someone new

[rosemilk]

since we're talking years here, yes you should have been moved on at this point and if you're still not able to move forward, i think therapy should be considered

[Asker]

I agree. Healing takes time of course but there comes a point where you’d have to start considering therapy if you want to move forward with your life right

[MikeTheBartender]

With the current selection of men for women today, not at all!

[Asker]

There’s a lot of more than capable men out there who are still available though /: if you’re a woman in your late 30s and still hung up on an ex from back when you were in your 20s then she’s waiting years of her life…

[LiamJHayden]

Not weird, but it is a waste of time and energy.

[Asker]

I agree, why waste your time and future waiting for an ex…

[noohair]

I do not spend time in the past it is a waste of energy and I can't grow in the past.

[Asker]

Very well said!

[Ilovehoney]

Still being hung up over one person is just like you are obsessed with that person to the point you would do anything for him/her.

[Asker]

That makes sense, obsessions are unhealthy

[Trevor611]

It's NOT weird, it's just time perhaps to move on

[Asker]

I agree, I can kinda understand but after a certain years has passed they should really consider actively trying to move on

[elizamichale1]

Yup it is actually

[Asker]

Yeah I feel like it’s such a waste of time to still be hung up on an ex from your 20s…

[elizamichale1]

Better to move on

[jahaims]

Yeah, sounds like an emotionally immature person

[Asker]

I agree, pretty spot on observation. I can’t seem to understand why tho

[jahaims]

Lack of honest introspect. It is a coping mechanism they developed in childhood.

[Asker]

Oh interesting, can you elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Not weird. Unfortunate, but not weird.

[Asker]

Is it pretty common?

[Danny_dan92]

Absolutely

[Asker]

Couldn’t agree more

[Danny_dan92]

Yeah

[DrPepper12]

Yes. Next question

[Asker]

Straight forward and to the point, I like it!

[OhLongJohnsoning]

Very

[Asker]

Very weird indeed

[strateguy632]

1st.

[Maxx_P25]

total stupidity

[Asker]

I agree… at some point you just need to get it over with

[Maxx_P25]

You should look for new relationships. how old are you

[Asker]

I’m currently in a happy relationship, still in my 20s. This question isn’t about me, I’m just asking in general bcs I’m seeing it happen too often with some people that I know (including my ex and my man’s ex who are both in their 30s).