Why do exes spread hurtful lies after a breakup?

[strawberrybaby3]

Sort of a continuation of my last question. I was catching up with one of my exes friends because we use to be friends. We all work in a mall so I saw him one day and just stopped to say hi. Someone had seen me speak to him and went and told my ex.

He was not very happy and is now making up lies that have actually really hurt me and I just want to understand why?

He is saying he’s banging one girl after another now (obviously total bullshit) , and that we broke up because he was sick of fucking me all the time. When I literally have messages proving otherwise and me and my friends all know this was not the reason. Also in an effort to get us to stop talking , my ex told this friend that he still looks at my phone (we work together a couple times a week - 0 contact), and that I am speaking to the guy’s ex girlfriend which I’m obviously not.

My friends think he is still hurting over our breakup and the fact that I moved on and see other guys and I guess he hears about it but the things he’s saying about me have really hurt me.

Updates

1 y

**and to just be clear , he’s telling the friend I am speaking to all of this stuff obviously knowing it’ll get back to me.

[Finchie40]

Because he is a loser and has no dignity or respect for anyone but himself , be glad he is your ex period. I know break ups can be hard , but most break ups occur because one partner can’t take accountability for their own selfish actions or behavior, so when the break up happens , the ex starts talking shit because they can’t accept the fact that they were wrong and they are just trying to make everyone side with them because they can’t accept that they fucked up the relationship, it’s always the other person’s fault, but never their own fault. Sadly this type of shit occurs with selfish immature people all the time. Sadly a lot of people can not take accountability for their own selfish actions or behaviors, it’s always someone else’s fault but never their own. Just ignore him and move on like you have been. Try not to let the shit he is saying about you effect you , Just act like he doesn’t exist and exempt him from your life as much as possible , Hopefully he gets’ the hint that you no longer care about him whatsoever and that he means nothing to you. If he tries to contact you on any which way , just ignore him and don’t respond to any of his texts or phone calls whatsoever. If he doesn’t stop harassing you and talking shit on you , then the next best thing for you to do l, is to have someone put him in his place to make him realize how much of an idiot he is being

[strawberrybaby3]

Thank you, I definitely will continue to ignore what I’m hearing and not react. It’s just so funny though because the guy was obsessed with me and we never had any issues when it came to being intimate. For some reason to me it translates as he knows he will never be able to touch me again or get me back so he’s talking shit to the guys thinking it makes him sound cool, when obviously deep down he’s still hurting and knows he fucked up a good thing. Why else would you shit talk like this after it’s been over a year since our breakup? He’s probably failed to replace me and it’s bothering him.

[Finchie40]

Why did you both break up to begin with? What happened to cause the break up? Was it something he did? If it was something he did , then he just isn’t taking accountability for his actions and trying to make you the bad one , instead of admitting he was the bad one. Now if you were the reason for the break up , and he is talking shit , then that’s why he is talking shit , because he is hurting inside and angry at you for giving up on him. Either or it’s still immature behavior on his part that he just can’t move on and accept the fact that it’s over between you both. This is common behavior from someone that is hurting inside. When my ex and I broke up , she was constantly talking shit on me when she was the one that ruined our relationship because she couldn’t take accountability for her selfish actions and behavior. When I heard she was talking shit on me , I just laughed and ignored her because I knew she was the one that was wrong and knew the truth , but she tried to act like she was a victim when really she was the POS. When I ran into her again , I said are you having fun talking shit on me and making up lies? Does that make you feel better knowing that you are a liar and playing a victim that can’t take accountability for your selfish actions and behavior? I said you will never have a long term relationship with with someone if you continue having that selfish mindset and then I walked away. Once she realized her talking shit didn’t affect me , the shit talk stopped. Some people just need to be put on their place because they are selfish immature people that have no dignity or respect for anyone but themselves. They play victim all the time and try to make excuses for their selfish behavior. People that cannot admit they were wrong will never last in a relationship, they will keep continuing having failed relationships because they can basically have a relationship all by themselves , cuz it’s all about them and never about their partner.

[Finchie40]

So if your ex was the reason for the break up , it’s because he was using you , he was a user not a lover , he liked what he could receive from you and that’s it Primarily the sex it sounds like

[strawberrybaby3]

Yeah , he cannot take accountability for anything. However, of course you don’t know him and I didn’t explain the entire situation here, but he definitely did not use me for sex. Everyone I know , knows him because we were all coworkers until he was transferred last year for something he did. He is very troubled , he is autistic and has a mental disorder. Everyone laughed when I told them what he’s saying about me because we all know why the breakup really happened. To be honest it sounds like he’s convincing himself that he doesn’t like me anymore and hasn’t been able to move on , meanwhile I don’t give him a second look , and haven’t for months, I look 100x better and am so much happier, and he can’t stand it and my coworkers catch him staring at me all the time. What he said is something an asshole says to another guy to sounds impressive when I was told by plenty of guys that are now not his friends, that he was literally a virgin and had 0 luck with women before me and the girlfriends would last a week. The real reason we broke up? We got into this as friends with benefits and only that. Then the more time we spent with each other at work, and outside of work, we developed feelings for each other but he told me from the beginning he has very traditional parents (he’s middle eastern), and they would not accept me. Everyone told me this was true, and his parents are also very abusive towards him and personally I think are the reason he has mental issues. They all use to tell me he’d come in years ago a mess because they wouldn’t let him have friends, a girlfriend, nothing. So we’d continuously have this talk as to what’s going to happen when we need to separate.

[strawberrybaby3]

After a couple years of being really close and continuing to be intimate, talking everyday, going out together after work everyday, we hit a point where we realized that it’s going to hurt a lot if at this point we need to separate, so I tried to move on by speaking to another guy to try and just get this out of my mind. He found out that I had seen this guy a couple times and I was a bit interested in him so he had asked me if I wanted to make us official because he didn’t want to lose me or see me with someone else. However, we had the same problem , where he said I really want to bring you home to my parents but they’re going to disown him financially etc if they don’t approve of who he’s with. I know this all sounds silly, but it really is the truth and I think they’ve abused him so much into thinking he needs to listen to him and also we were arguing a lot because we’d see each other way too often , and it was getting to be a bit much even for me. So after another year we broke it off but it was definitely was no easy and very painful for both of us and we didn’t let go right away. Took about 8 months and I was the one who cut him off for good. Everyone who he isn’t trying to impress , knows, the problem was he isn’t man enough to stand up to his parents and tell them this is the woman I love, and also he’s just very immature. What he’s now saying is pure bullshit trying to impress his male friends and even they said we all know he isn’t getting girls. He’s also gained so much weight and comes into work absolutely miserable and doesn’t speak to anyone. Is he an asshole? Yes. Wasted my time? Yes. But our time together was way more than just sex and there were a lot of other problems that were just too much for me and him.

[strawberrybaby3]

He is also a very angry person who will go on and on about something when he is hurt and say very mean things that I know he doesn’t mean. And usually when he says something mean, it means he thinks the opposite. So he’s trying to make it sound to people like I was so boring, etc when really he’s mad that he will never ever have another chance with me and his life has gone downhill in every way without me. He’s probably shocked that I didn’t run back begging and that I just totally cut him off after months of trying to work this out after the breakup , and am seeing other guys and moving on with my life , because he hears it at work.

[Finchie40]

The fact that he allows his parents’ to control who he falls for is a huge red flag right there , and the fact that he suffers mental illness , probably because of how his parents’ raised him. You did the right thing by getting away from him , someone that projects a lot of negativity and is miserable about a lot of things is someone you are best to stay away from as much as possible. He sounds a lot like my ex who suffered mental illness as well that was pretty much controlled by her Mom , Getting away from her was the best thing I have done for myself. She basically tried getting everyone against me to make herself look like she was sweet and innocent when really she was the bitch. It’s manipulative narcissistic behavior. A narcissist can not accept they are wrong at all. So be grateful he is no longer your boyfriend period. You didn’t lose anything, trust me ,

[strawberrybaby3]

Exactly. I feel bad for him and that he will never have a normal life because of them but he wasted 3 years of my life. Intentionally? Probably not , but we both knew it wasn’t going nowhere and were lacking things in common and also dating a coworker isn’t smart and it was a little overwhelming to see each other that much. Sexually , there was never ever an issue , so for him to tell guys that is so hurtful, but when he’s told our coworkers (not pigs that he’s trying to impress), he’s always had the same explanation that he had from the beginning, which is that his parents aren’t going to allow this. It’s very sad that he’s been brainwashed like that because even though I wasn’t perfect I treated him as well as I could and loved him so much and he lost a good thing , which to be honest, I think he knows, because he wouldn’t be wasting his time so long after with these stupid stories. If he had really moved on wouldn’t he have stopped this by now? Our mutual friend told me he will literally just go up to him and start with these bullshit stories about our breakup unprovoked. And it is in his personality to do that when he’s bothered by something. That’s why say he sounds like he’s convincing himself of something. Also as I mentioned he’s looked like a train wreck for over a year now too.

[strawberrybaby3]

And also why out of everything he could say that we broke up over , he chose to say he was sick of “banging the same girl all the time and you should be fking a different one everyday” ? Everybody who I told this to laughed so hard telling me not to let it bother me, he is obviously telling our friend this knowing it’s going to back to me and hurt me (which worked) and is jealous that me and him talk again. Our friend even knows he isn’t banging anybody and looks awful so why say that? I remember that’s even how he spoke of a girl he use to see. Tell people how unattractive she is, when we all knew he was very attracted to her and other lies, as if as I said, he’s convincing himself that he’s over the person.

[strawberrybaby3]

Also sorry I should add that when I spoke to other people he had badmouthed me to in the past, he absolutely never gave this bullshit to them, he told them the truth saying it was just becoming an unhealthy relationship & the parent thing. So this is a new excuse he’s made up, as he gets more angry and jealous.

[Finchie40]

He sounds like a immature loser if he has been doing this for a long time , He lies so much to the point he believes in his own lies , is what it sounds like to me , I know it’s easier said than done , but keep ignoring him as much as possible , once he realizes you moved on and you don’t give him any of your time , he will hopefully back off and keep his mouth shut about you. It seems like everyone else doesn’t believe him either, so that’s a good thing. He will hopefully get the hint that he is making himself look even more like a moron. Being with someone for 3 years clearly shows he is talking out his ass about getting bored with you. From what I see in your profile picture , I highly doubt any guy would get bored of you , so don’t let his words affect you in any way. He is just immature and can’t accept the fact that you are no longer with him

[strawberrybaby3]

Yeah it’s definitely a plus that everybody knows he’s crazy and doesn’t believe him, at least there’s that. I don’t ever show him any reaction, nobody but my close friends know that this comment bothered me and I plan on continuing to give him 0 attention. And thank you lol yeah that was definitely never our issue, it’s him trying to make himself feel better about the situation and trying to accept that I’m absolutely done with him.

[satinpetals]

Immaturity. For many it is a self defense mechanism to try to make themselves feel better about the break up, it is terribly immature

[Finchie40]

I agree , exactly what he is doing

[strawberrybaby3]

@satinpetals he’d only have to make himself feel better about the breakup by talking about me this way so long after, if he was still not over it or knew he lost me completely and can’t accept it. I spoke with the friend who told me all of this the other day again, and he said people are smart, nobody is going to believe his bullshit. Lol.

[genericname85]

a very common strategy to cope with the ego destruction of break up is to mentally put the other person down. so by putting them down, you lift yourself up. and while you're doing that, it often happens that people do things to the person they're actively putting down that they wouldn't normally find "ok" to do to a person generally speaking. cause they see them as the cause for their negative feelings and so they feel justified in doing bad things to them.

[FreyaRed]

Some kind of revenge from his perspective. My ex did that too, he made some mistakes in logic of his lies, I pointed those weak spots in his lies out, his credibility started to be suspicious for our common friends, he became a clown.

[Nikki1989]

Some people may resort to spreading lies as a way to cope with their hurt and anger. It is very immature.

[AviatorTom]

I don't know why anyone would do that. My ex-wise and I never did that, we're still on good terms.

Spreading nasty lies about your ex is not smart, and can backfire, because it not only says something about your ex, it says something about you too.

[blueonblack22]

It’s to protect their egos. It’s either 1) to confirm to themselves they made the right decision dumping someone. Or 2) make themselves feel better if they got dumped.

I actually have a bit more sympathy for people in situation #2. They are in situation where they feel devastated and powerless. They didn’t want the relationship to end but there is nothing they can do about it. Not saying it’s right for them to spread lies (of course it isn’t) but again they are much more likely caught off guard

But people in situation #1 are far worse if they are spreading exaggerations and lies to make themselves feel better about breaking up someone. Exponentially worse in my opinion. I know for a fact I’ve never done to a woman I rejected and/or broke up with. The burden was on me to deal with any cognitive dissonance I had afterwards since I’m the one who did the dumping.

However I did have one ex do this sh*t to me years ago. I am about 99.99% sure she cheated on me a week or two before the break up. To self justify her actions to herself she had to view as lower than pond scum. Like I “deserved” to get cheated on. No one “deserves” that (unless they are guilt of it too).

I thought she was the type who would never do that too. But I was wrong.

[strawberrybaby3]

Yup it really hurts especially when you thought that person would never do something like that. What pisses me off the most is we all KNOW what he’s saying now is bullshit. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me and when I spoke to people in the past that he’s bad mouthed me to, he told them the truth as to what made us break up. Not these lies that he recently started as a way to make himself feel better about losing me. It really sounds to me like he’s trying to convince himself of something? Or talk himself out of the regret or loss he feels? I mean he still has to see me at work every week , I look so much better and don’t give him the time of day, so maybe that’s made him mad?

[blueonblack22]

@strawberrybaby3 well did you break up with him? Not saying you didn’t make the wrong decision considering how he is acting. But again if that’s the case he’s in scenario #1: he was caught off guard and left powerless. Nobody likes to feel powerless.

Now this doesn’t give them an excuse to act like a dbag but still I believe it’s much harder for the person who got dumped. Their usually hurting much more then the person who broke up with them. Reason being the person who did the dumping has already made a conscious decision that they are ready to move on. They have the power. The person getting dumped is (usually) left powerless.

However regardless if you dumped him or vice versa just take it as CONFIRMATION that it’s best he’s out of your life. I know that’s how I felt when I broke up with my last girlfriend (different one from the one I described earlier). She absolutely nuclear (scary actually) despite giving her the respect of doing it face to face.

Anyway it sounds like you are all worried about your reputation giving how he is acting. I know he’s still connected with your circle of friends. But this isn’t HS. People can sense bullsh*t when they get older. If he’s 30 or older (how old is he?) and he’s going around bragging about all the women he’s banged then that’s a serious maturity problem. Even more so if he’s over 35.

So I wouldn’t stress too much about him false rumors and/or exaggerations. And if other people are stupid and naive to believe them then maybe you should disassociate with them as well.

I know this is tougher for women then men. Women usually keep networking and “bonding” with friends when they get older. But maybe you should consider tightening your circle more if you are dealing with immature people (besides your ex).

[strawberrybaby3]

The initial break up was initiated by him when we got into a stupid fight but he quickly regretted it and tried to get back with me , and our boss put a stop to it. We were together for 3 years but dating a coworker is obviously never smart and we just weren’t getting along anymore, amongst other huge dealbreakers. We tried to stay friends for months after because it was hard to let go, then around last March is when I totally cut off communication with him. It didn’t feel healthy to me to still talk with him and pretend like everything is fine when I knew I had to move on from this and heal. He was still approaching me and finding excuses to call me outside of work hours and I felt like it needed to be cut off. He got the hint pretty quickly that I did not want to speak anymore and left me alone, then tried a couple months later to small talk me which i never acknowledged and since then I’ve totally ignored him and he may have heard that I’ve been seeing people. It just seems very weird to me to go to our mutual friends any chance you get (I’ve been told it’s unprovoked), and start these hurtful lies. Ok, say you were sick of sleeping with me. Now you have all the freedom in the world to sleep with whoever you’d like, so why still talk about me? It’s maybe also worth mentioning that he looks like a train wreck and has gained so much weight, and ignores everyone at work for over a year now. So maybe this hit him hard like it did me.

[strawberrybaby3]

And my age isn’t accurate here, I am 25 and he’s 31.

[blueonblack22]

Alright. If he broke up with you then the onus is on him. Also you are both younger then I expected.

He’s obviously depressed. He’s looking for ways to compensate (eating, drinking, etc). Sounds like he regrets the decision he made and his past actions. But his ego won’t let him own up to it.

He’s got some serious growing up to do. Also it sounds like a part of you deep down still cares for him (just a tad bit). But only he can change himself and straighten out. And given the fact he hasn’t taken accountability for anything is a serious issue.

Anyway this is all messy as always. But next time he reaches out to you (if he does) you need to politely yet very directly tell him that you wish him the best but you don’t want to be contact with him anymore. Tell him that you don’t hate him and want the best for him. But also say it’s not good for either side to be in contact.

This loose connection you got going on with him isn’t good for either of you.

[strawberrybaby3]

Thank you for the advice. Yeah I definitely do still care which is why the comments hurt me but I just really don’t want anything to do with him, and I don’t think I have to worry about him trying to talk to me again in person. He hasn’t tried since last summer and what really stopped him was when he found out someone came and told me everything he was saying about me at that time and he is I’m sure, too embarrassed to face me. We have 0 contact at work, he totally avoids me, if I catch him looking he will quickly look away but then I have others telling me he stares at me when I’m not looking. He probably goes around telling everyone he broke up with me which is technically true, but I am the one who totally cut him off and he knows that. And you are right, a lot of our friends/coworkers are older and know how he is and don’t believe a word he says so at least there’s that 😅

[blueonblack22]

@strawberrybaby3 well at 25 and being female I get how you still worry about your rep. But I heard a good saying a while ago “what other people think about you is none of your business”.

Anyway as I have gotten older I’ve have grown to the point I seriously (really) don’t give 2 sh*ts about what other people think and say about me. Seriously I am at the point I could care less. I don’t trust nor respect gossipers anyway. Including exes.

But being at your age I can see how that’s something that will often be on your mind. Women usually worry about their reps more then guys do (there are evolutionary reasons for this.).

But at the end of the day I know the truth. I know of the good things I’ve done. I know of the bad things I’ve done. But if people want to waste their time gossiping about me then they kindly go f*ck themselves. It shows they don’t have any real purpose anyways. Successful people rarely don’t waste their time gossiping.

I care most about my career, my health, my family and my faith. That’s what really matters.

[strawberrybaby3]

You’re totally right 😊 I will try to move forward and not let this bother me as much and if there are by chance people who do believe his side and whatever else he’s saying, it isn’t any of my business and they will figure him out eventually.

[blueonblack22]

Good 👍👍👍 💯💯💯

[molonski2]

No , I'd never do things like that , and frankly this guy and assuming he's of similar age is an immature , stupid little twurp.
Forget him and ignore anything he says to others.

[nawtee_me]

I understand that when people say hurtful things that it does hurt. What I am wondering though is if it hurts because if anyone said those things it would hurt you or if you are hurting because you had a relationship with someone who acts this way and you never saw that in him before the breakup? Or maybe a combination of of both?

[strawberrybaby3]

I am normally a very sensitive person but to have loved somebody that I had a 3 year relationship with me that would actually say this to hurt me…I don’t get it. Could be maybe because I dropped him and moved on and haven’t spoken a word to him in months and he’s been told I guess that I’m seeing people. His friend knows what he’s saying is bullshit but why even say this?

[strawberrybaby3]

When we were together , when he was mad at someone he would make lots of comments and go too far but to make these lies about me just to make himself look good…

[nawtee_me]

You know if you tell a lie long enough you start to believe it. Maybe he needs to believe the lies in order to not see himself in a bad light…. To sleep at night….

[strawberrybaby3]

My coworkers think he’s hurting because we were together for a long time and he hasn’t had much luck at all with women in the past. Could this be apart of it? Or is this a guy who’s saying this maliciously to paint me in a bad light?

[nawtee_me]

Hurting people want others to hurt with them. He could be hurting from the breakup and doesn’t feel it is fair for you not to hurt as well. And he may be jealous that you could move on where maybe can’t.

[strawberrybaby3]

Yeah, you’re right

[NathanDavis]

it's not exes doing this...

it is asshat douchebags who do this sometimes...

[bowenw]

He's a crybaby and a sore loser. Be thankful you are no longer with him.

[Anonymous]

Hate to say it but its a republican way of thinking. Try a dating a lib, independent or dem.

[strawberrybaby3]

He is a trump supporter lol.. but what’s that have to do with this?

[justabuddy]

Seems like his ego is bruised. He's lashing out to save himself. Making someone else look bad to feel better about himself.

[strawberrybaby3]

Why would a guys ego be bruised after a breakup that happened almost 2 years ago?

[justabuddy]

Emotions are some crazy things. Sorry this happened to you.

[strawberrybaby3]

Thank you. And well that’s the funny thing about this. Say we did break up because sexually he was no longer satisfied which was absolutely not true and when all of this initially happened he told everyone the truth, so not sure why he’s telling this story to his guy friends a year and a half later. But let’s just say that was the truth. Why still talk about me? You now have the freedom to do whatever you want, sleep with whoever you want. I’m also being told he’s coming up to the guys unprovoked to talk shit about me and say these things.

[justabuddy]

Think of it like reverse phycology. He wants to still be doing these things with you but can't. So he says it was horrible to make himself feel better. Or he's just an a hole and likes to put people down to satisfy his own lack of self image.

[Abbycado]

They do it to be vindictive.

[SleepingHazard]

Because they are immature.

[HungTexan]

He’s full of shit. Be glad he’s your ex.

[strawberrybaby3]

Oh trust me I know. I couldn’t believe these lies 🤣🤣

[beefcakebradybatson]

Anger and recrimination.

[MasterKS]

Thats what is break up!

[eagle1951]

tring to make you look bad

[StevenMcGarrett]

Some guys are just dicks like that.

[Tomisworthless]

Same reason you bully the ugly fag at work