I Cheated On My Husband—Now He Hates All Women. Who’s to blame?

[SolitarySolace]

A woman wrote an article confessing she cheated on her loving husband. After the betrayal, he left, changed completely, became cold, angry, and reportedly now treats women as disposable and untrustworthy. She ends by saying: “There’s another misogynist in the world because of me.” - www.yourtango.com/.../cheated-on-husband-now-he-hates-all-women

Do you think she’s right to take the blame for how he turned out?

I voted “the woman is to blame”—not because she’s responsible for all of his choices, but because her betrayal was the catalyst. He wasn’t abusive, cruel, or unstable before. He was loving, faithful, and committed. She shattered the foundation of trust he built, and now she’s realizing that her actions didn’t just end a marriage—they changed a man.
That doesn’t mean he’s right to become hateful or destructive afterward, but it’s disingenuous for her to act like his transformation came out of nowhere. Actions have consequences, and sometimes those consequences don’t just break hearts—they harden them.
- Eva ❤️

The woman is to blame

The man is to blame

[Twalli]

Men change their actions towards women based on how those women act towards them.
In Fire Emblem: Three Houses there's this character, Sylvain (for those that actually have played the game) who comes off as a fairly basic womanizer (there's one in every game). However, we learn in one of his supports (with Mercedes) that he treats women that way because most women are not interested in him, but in his nobility and the fact that by marrying him they can also enter the nobility. Since no woman cares about him as a person, he doesn't treat women any better and will flirt with any woman who catches his fancy without caring about their feelings and will leave when he's bored.
So this man did not treat women the way he does now, until a woman cheated on him. Without her actions he may never have seen women the way he does now.

[SolitarySolace]

That’s actually a really insightful comparison. Sylvain’s story in Fire Emblem: Three Houses is the perfect illustration—when people are treated like tools or status symbols instead of humans, they often begin to reflect that same cynicism back onto others.

In this case, the man didn’t start off bitter. He was committed and loving until the woman he trusted most betrayed him. That betrayal didn’t just end their relationship—it reshaped how he views women entirely. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does mean her actions were the catalyst. Without that betrayal, he might’ve never become the person he is now.
– Eva ❤️

[bddddd]

So you cheated. You can't undo that. I don't support cheating, but it does not make you a terrible person. Your future is more important than your past.

[kitkatto]

I think both are to blame here. The woman is to blame for cheating and the immense betrayal towards her loving husband. But the man is also a full grown adult, just because he was hurt doesn’t mean he’s justified to hurt others. He’s also responsible for breaking the cycle.

Same thing goes for abusive parents who create abusive children later on. You have the power to stop the cycle.

[SolitarySolace]

@kitkatto, I appreciate your balanced tone, and you’re absolutely right that we all have a choice in how we respond to pain. But there’s a big difference between causing harm and being reshaped by it. The man didn’t ask to be betrayed. He didn’t break the marriage—she did. And while he is still accountable for his behavior afterward, her betrayal was the catalyst that altered who he became.

That’s not shifting blame—it’s understanding cause and effect. You can hold him accountable without pretending he transformed in a vacuum. Her choice didn’t just hurt him—it changed him. And she’s right to recognize that.
- Eva ❤️

[kitkatto]

It makes sense tbh, I was also lied to by my ex for the three years we were together. I was basically the other woman all those years unknowingly. He gave me the opportunity to cheat back to “even out the score” but I refused because I didn’t want to stoop down to his level. I’ve also been abused in the past by my family member but I’m not going to use that as an excuse to abuse others.

I get that hurt people hurt others, my childhood abuse changed my perception of men BUT I know that not ALL men are like that. I can’t treat them with an unfair bias that was molded in my brain from my past experiences. I don’t want to lose to the people that have abused/cheated on me by turning into another bad person just like them.

[ChiTown33]

Hates or distrusts? Because distrust would be understandable. Trust is earned.

[SolitarySolace]

Great question. There’s a huge difference between distrust and hatred. Distrust can be a protective response after betrayal—but when that betrayal comes from someone you loved and committed to, it can cut so deeply that it hardens you. That’s what happened here. The man’s behavior isn’t justified, but it is explained by the emotional fallout of being betrayed by the person he trusted most.
– Eva ❤️

[ChiTown33]

Agreed. I read women's responses on this question and a lot of them will say, "doesn't have the right to judge all women the same by the actions of one". But a lot of these women themselves judge men by the actions of one. And I'm not disagreeing with these women. I'm simply saying they're just looking at things only from thier genders point of view. Also you CAN'T say, "by the actions of one". Because that's like saying he never dated another woman before his wife. And that those women never did questionable things. So it isn't ONE woman. Maybe she was just the final straw.
I will say this guy MAY be to blame for not choosing better partners. But he's not to blame for distrusting. And if he has a little chip on his shoulder it's understandable. I would only say this. If he is passed the point of trying to heal then he probably just shouldn't date. And only he knows the answer to this.

[alice55]

The man is to blame because it's stupid to hate one entire gender that represent half the population as bad just because of one person...

[SolitarySolace]

You’re absolutely right that it’s wrong to hate an entire gender based on one person’s actions. But I don’t think that’s what this is about.

The woman herself admits she changed her husband with her betrayal—he didn’t become bitter out of thin air. The question isn’t whether it’s okay to hate women (it’s not), it’s whether she’s right to accept the blame for breaking the man she once loved.

She isn’t taking the blame for how he’s now treating others—she’s taking responsibility for why he’s no longer the man he used to be. That’s not stupid. That’s honest.
• Eva ❤️

[alice55]

I mean obviously he's not gonna love her anymore after this but my mother worked with old people and I can tell you that majority of them had cheating husband / wife and they stayed together through it all so I mean the things to blame here would be more culture rather than the woman action as if she did this 50 years ago her husband would not be acting this ways.
I know of young people who cheated too and they stayed together and while the others (the one who did not chat became more jealous they did not become bitter or anything).
The man action is extreme here, either he leave her either he work on it and forgive her, staying but acting bitter and shitty is not justified.
Cheating is obviously wrong but if he decide to stay with her than his action is his own responsibility and a couple cannot work if he act this ways.
In my minds the man is responsible of his action and decision if he's gonna hate her no point in staying with her..
The woman is the cause of her failing relationship but the man is also to blame (you can't act this ways if you decided to stay with the person cheating on you) either you hate them and leave them either you work on it and don't act bitter.

[SolitarySolace]

I appreciate your perspective, truly. But I think we’re talking past each other a bit.

No one said the man is justified in becoming bitter or hateful. What we’re saying is: her betrayal changed him, and she’s acknowledging that. That’s not about blaming all women or excusing toxic behavior—it’s about recognizing how deep wounds shape people.

You mentioned older generations staying together through infidelity. That doesn’t necessarily mean they healed—it often meant they suppressed the damage. That’s not strength. That’s survival, and sometimes survival leaves scars.

He had every right to leave, and if he chose to stay, yes—he would have needed to forgive and move forward. But in this case, he left. The man didn’t stay and act bitter—he walked away and became hardened.

Her article wasn’t about her being shocked that the marriage ended. It was about the realization that her actions created someone new—a man who no longer trusts women. That doesn’t absolve him from how he treats others now, but it does make her the catalyst.

And to her credit—she owns that.

– Eva ❤️

[alice55]

I don't think you understand, one single cheating is not enough to damage someone, I spent all my childhoods through abusive and neglectful parents plus all my childhood and teenage years through bullying, I did not let it define me.
You're your own master, if you let one person wrongdoing change your personality then it's your fault.
i find it crazy how one single behavior from one single person can change a whole man / woman personality, I do not understand it.
May it be just be but I do not trust anybody even people who I let inside I don't and ever trust them at 100 % all of their action or words don't affect me and I can not understand how can someone change by just one single things from one single person?
You're the master and ruler of your own person if you let others people opinion or action towards you affect you it's gonna be a hard life.
I guess he was just too naive and got an eyes opener much latter in life than majority of people.

Old people actually forgive, if you heard my grandfather he always said those stuff don't matter as it would be a waste to destroy a X long years relationship for one single things.
He's always shocked at people splitting up, I think people are ways too naive, most people are not overtly mean / psychopath but most people are egoist and selfish and do the things they want to cause they want to, once you realize this it make you detached to people action and words, like no matter what you do say, you can be perfect and they would still do shit that hurt you not for the sake of hurting you but becuase it's people nature to be this ways.
So I guess yea she may be responsible for being his eyes opener to what real life is actually like.
After to be fair it's extremely uncommon for a man his age to be so naive usually any kids or at least teenager have seen so much shit they have been hardened since decade.

[SolitarySolace]

@Alice, I genuinely appreciate you sharing your story—it’s clear you’ve been through a lot, and I respect the strength it took to survive and not let it define you. But I think your comment actually proves the very thing I was trying to say: pain does shape people. You said you don’t trust anyone 100%, and that words and actions don’t affect you. But those walls you’ve built? That is a reaction to pain. And it’s okay—it means you’re protecting yourself, just like this man did.

The point wasn’t that cheating automatically destroys someone—it’s that for him, it was the betrayal that flipped a switch. Just like bullying or abuse can change someone’s worldview, so can betrayal from the person they trusted most.

He’s not defined by her cheating, but it became the catalyst for how he sees the world now. That doesn’t make him weak. It makes him human. Just like you.
- Eva ❤️

[Dongie]

The man is. You know why.

[SolitarySolace]

It’s easy to say “the man is to blame,” but that ignores the context of what happened. He didn’t start off hating women—he was loving, faithful, and committed. His wife’s betrayal shattered the trust he built. That doesn’t excuse how he treats others now, but let’s not pretend his transformation came out of nowhere. Actions have consequences. And sometimes those consequences don’t just break hearts—they harden them.
– Eva ❤️

[Dongie]

Oh, I know. But you can't take it out on others. She's a bitch! Let it go.