Boyfriend won’t treat me well and has his “reasons”?

[Anonymous]

This is a long story but I’ll try to make it short. So I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 10 years and we have children together. No we aren’t married for several reasons.

My boyfriend treats me very badly and I also don’t treat him great either. The difference is that I try to solve problems and make things better but he told me he’ll never treat a cheater good. He gets angry when I try to make things better….. extremely angry when I try to bring up any issues and ask him to be better.

Around 5 years ago I was crying my eyes out to him because I want a connection and to feel loved and he told me he didn’t want to be with me and that I should go be with another guy. Instead of breaking up he said all this to me and I went to sleep crying every night (he knew this) but he just got angry with me and fell asleep each time. I started posting some “sexy” pictures (which really are very mild compared to others I’ve seen online) and I got A LOT of male attention and messages.

I chatted back with a few guys and ignored all the others but my boyfriend went through my phone and went ballistic and was VERY VERY upset! He even tried to make the relationship better for about a week or two! That’s it then he went back to being bad to me.

Now he treats me terribly and we still have barely any connection. I just had another baby with him about a year ago, but even that hasn’t brought us to be much better.

This is just irreparable isn’t it? I’m at my wits end. I don’t know what to do. We have children and I feel like that’s why I’m staying. I don’t want to give up and I don’t want to cheat but it’s just the same thing again and again. I try to talk and make things better but he refuses to with a “cheater”. It’s like he’s staying with me to punish me or to make me leave him.

Updates

11 mo

Also wanted to say that it never went beyond messages to any guys and I was looking for some attention or maybe to find someone better than him eventually but I wasn’t going to physically cheat or develop any emotionally either besides getting complimented by them or them trying to ask me out on dates which I would ignore. Him calling me a cheater is wrong to me when he’s done many things in the past that made me lose trust. He’s also lied to me several times.

[Anonymous]

Someone already asked but what made you think having another child w him was going to change things? Was the first child planned? What about the second child? Makes me think he’s just w you to avoid having to pay child support. I wonder if you two started out as a fling or actually dating? I can understand why he’d be mad. Sure he’s to blame for not giving you some attention, but ultimately it came down to your actions. You trying to justify they weren’t as facet as some of the other pics you’ve seen online doesn’t make a difference. I’d probably look at you the same way. Because now he knows what you’d do if things got that bad again. So you need to take some responsibility in all of this. You’re either going to stay w him and most likely continue to live your life like this from now on. Or you’re going to leave.

[Asker]

We’ve actually known each other since we were pretty young so we were friends first. He was head over heels in love with me since we met and then we dated months later. Honestly I love unprotected sex with him and I don’t use birth control.

I didn’t have a baby on purpose to keep him or anything like that. Our children are beautiful and very healthy which might be why we didn’t see anything wrong with having more kids.

So you think he won’t ever change his feelings towards me or that he will grow up and realize that him and I could be happy and healthy together?

[Opinion Owner]

Most likely no he won’t change. It’s been 10 years. Especially if he’s around your age, I don’t think he will really change. You’re still going through this. One child didn’t make it better, neither did two. He probably like a lot of men just loved the idea of having sex w out a condom. I get that you didn’t physically cheat w someone else but to him it still is cheating which is the ultimate thing a woman can do to a man. While cheating is bad regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman, I tend to think it’s even worse when a female does it. I say this because, although it’s wrong, men usually cheat for sex. A female in most cases has to be emotionally involved w a man to cheat w him. So she’s invested more whereas the man just wants sex. Both wrong yes but I think if the girl has cheated w a man she’s already checked out mentally.

[Asker]

I understand what you’re saying. Thank you. The thing is that I really just wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and I wanted to feel wanted. I didn’t care at all about any of the men that were telling me that. I know what I did was stupid and wrong but it didn’t come from a bad place. Yes, I understand now what I did was wrong and that’s why I don’t post pictures on social media anymore for attention.

I think I will get therapy and work through this for myself and children.

I have people on here commenting childish stuff to me. It’s not helpful to tell me that I’m old and a single mom that no one will want me except guys who just want easy sex. I’m quite the opposite. I’m very selective and if I was single I’d be even more selective because I have children. It would have to be a very grown up empathetic kind man and not a man who just wants easy sex from any woman.

Those kind of men don’t understand this because they are like that and think all men are too. I know that there are all types of people and we can’t generalize about one gender.

[Opinion Owner]

If you didn’t care about the men who you were getting attention from why did it matter so much that they give you this attention you’re seeking? Ultimately are you happy w yourself as far as your life choices? A lot of times we find we’re really not mad at everyone we think we are, a lot of times we’re upset w ourselves. I get how you feel in regards to this man in your life. Whether male or female we all like to know that we are desired, that we’re loved. But don’t think there’s things in your life that you could do or change that you’ve been upset w yourself for the longest? Like I said chances are he will never change. But should you leave one day would you be the type of lady another man would choose? I’m not saying it’s impossible to meet a man who would accept you and your kids, sure it’s going to be harder but I think working on yourself to increase those chances should you leave one day would help out a lot. Not even just doing it in hopes of meeting a man, but for yourself, for your children.

[Twalli]

If a child you already had wasn't helping, why did you think having a second one would work>

[Asker]

I understand that. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant to make things better. I just like the sex with him and was tracking my cycle thinking I wouldn’t get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I know the situation is nuances but life’s too short. You can do a lot better for yourself, and should want to experience as much before you pass on. If he can’t move past you cheating then he needs to let you go, but he can’t just hold this grudge of treating you bad and you shouldn’t normalize being treated like shit because you think you deserve it. This is all not ok.

[Asker]

I just can’t imagine starting over with someone new or that I’d even be able to have a relationship with someone else after I basically have ptsd from our arguments. Ending this relationship seems very challenging and I know it would make some parts of our lives very difficult even if other things improved (which they would for sure).

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly, how you’d fare in another relationship should be the last thing on your mind. There’s steps you can take before that, therapy and such but it’s not a concern right now. What matters now is your happiness and what you deserve. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s easier said than done. But I stood alongside my best friend from the beginning of her relationship until the end, two kids and a lot of trauma later and watched her get out. So i know it can be done. She had such a hard time leaving but the only thing keeping you there are the obstacles that you create in your own mind. It wouldn’t be easy letting him go but you deserve a healthier version of love and normalcy. Your kids deserve to see that example as well.

[Asker]

Thank you. I feel better after reading that about your friend. I think I may start therapy soon and that may be what I need to get out of this situation.

I love women’s opinions on here so much better because they seem to be so much more caring and empathetic.

[On_cloud_wine]

You don’t belong together nor stay with each other for your children’s sake. That’s all I have to say

[On_cloud_wine]

Nor should stay*

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Get rid of him. Don't waste your life being with someone who doesn't respect nor value you.

[OneViewpoint]

Wow, this story is straight out of an Alabama trailer park. You both sound dysfunctional. What are the children experiencing?

[Asker]

Are you sure about that? What have you that impression? We live in an upper middle class home and he makes great money. The kids don’t experience anything bad except not seeing their dad show me love. We mostly argue through text messages when we aren’t around one another.

[Asker]

Gave**

[OneViewpoint]

Doesn't matter where you live. What matters is how you behave. And the behavior you described is deep South trailer park (or Hollywood). Do you really think the kids don't pick up on your moods and attitudes? Mommy's always sad and daddy's always angry at mommy. Just another day in paradise.

[Asker]

Okay but how does that equal trailer park? People have emotions. Your parents were robots and perfect?

[OneViewpoint]

Oh Gawd no. My parents were a shit show. My father was a brutal asshole. And my mother retreated into delusion. My sisters were damaged their entire adult lives and both dead way before their time. I'm the lone survivor. Is that what you want for your kids?

[Asker]

I’m so sorry. No I don’t want that. My children are doing very well. I’m going to go to therapy and do everything I can to make their lives good.

[Asker]

You’re right though I’m sure they have been affected even if they seem to be doing well.

[OneViewpoint]

That's the first step. Get your boyfriend into some sort of professional help too. I did it alone. But I'm an... umm... unusual personality.

[Tempest_Flame]

congrats. you wasted your life.

[Asker]

Thanks. Great advice 👍🏼

[Tempest_Flame]

no advice would help you. you're screwed if you stay or leave.

[Asker]

That’s not true but thanks again.

[Asker]

Would you be saying this if a guy asked this question? I hate how misogynistic people can be

[Tempest_Flame]

a single is no as fucked as a single mom in dating

[Asker]

Ok but it’s also earlier to weed out the wrong kind of men when you’re a single mother. I wouldn’t want to date anyone that’s selfish childish and doesn’t want me or kids. Are you really 41 years old? Do you have a wife and children?

[Asker]

Easier*

[Tempest_Flame]

lol weed out. as if you even get quality guys. you only get losers who want easy sex

[Asker]

And by the way I have beautiful healthy intelligent children so my life is filled with LOVE and TONS OF HAPPINESS thank you very much!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

I most definitely didn’t “waste my life” !!!

[Tempest_Flame]

you had kids with a guy who hates you. sounds like you fucked up to me

[Asker]

Ok go back to your mom’s basement. You’re obviously an incel troll

[Asker]

Grow up

[Asker]

And you’re clearly not a quality guy so who are you to talk? Seriously? 🤢

[Asker]

And you’re the exact guy I’d tell women to stay away from. Go back and watch your porn and beat off to it by yourself. If you were a “normal” guy, you wouldn’t have made those comments to a woman who’s clearly hurting. You clearly don’t think very highly of women. Maybe you like men?

[Tempest_Flame]

you're a dumbass loser who got preggers by another dumbass loser and are now trapped because nobody dates a single mom in any kind of serious way

[Tempest_Flame]

you are also old as fuck

[Asker]

You can’t respond to anything I’ve written because you’re clearly a troll in his mom’s basement who HATES women. Just be real. Learn some empathy. Read some books. Find religion? I can’t help you but you need some help buddy

[Asker]

Yes I’m old but you’re older than I am! Hahahaha at least I’ve experienced love even if it went south. I also have the joy of motherhood to beautiful lovely children who will grow up and not be anything like YOU

[Asker]

Thank you for showing me just how blessed I am and hopefully you will get to mature and realize just how wrong you were. Maybe you’re actually a 12 year old boy.