He Said He Didn’t Want a Relationship, But Still Kept Coming Back — Then Posted His Girlfriend?

[Leaxleaaa]

I want to share my experience because I’ve been really confused by this guy. This will be long, but the details matter, because it wasn’t just a simple breakup. It’s been months of mixed signals and push-pull behavior.

I was seeing this guy for over four months. He approached me first, made the effort, and pursued me. At first I wasn’t sure I liked him enough, so I ended it. But he came back, and then I grew attached. The moment I did, he started to distance himself. Eventually he told me he “didn’t want a relationship,” and we broke up for good.

But it didn’t end there. He kept coming back, asking if I was mad, if he hurt me, keeping contact alive. Things felt unfinished. Then out of nowhere he posted a picture with his girlfriend. Looking at the timeline, I realized he had been with her since June — but in June, we were still in touch. We even kissed that month. Even back in August, we had long hours talks over phone. He would call me at 3am.

When I confronted him, he wouldn’t admit fault. Instead, he said things like “don’t take it personally” and “you’re an excellent friend.” Meanwhile, he was posting exaggerated lovey-dovey content with her, while still rewatching my stories and finding excuses to talk to me.

One time I drew him, and he obsessed over it but never came to pick it up. He even texted me at 2am once to apologize for not showing up. That was our last direct contact. Even after that, he kept rewatching my stories.

Recently, he posted “date night” with his girlfriend. At the same time, I was also on a date and posted on my close friends’ list. He saw it all, rewatched my stories, and then later that night unfollowed me.

When I texted him, he said, “I felt you couldn’t do that. You didn’t understand me but ok. What you have for me, I’ll take it if you don’t mind.”

Now I’m left wondering:
– Why did he unfollow me after watching everything?
– Why did he keep coming back even after starting a relationship?
– Do guys like this ever come back again?

[HollyK21]

I may have to continue this in the comments if I run out is space. So, I think that first breakup you had is what set the tone. Sure, maybe he came back, but he wasn’t the one who wanted to breakup so that makes sense. I think that upon getting you back, he realized you weren’t the one he wanted a relationship with. Who knows, maybe he had insecurities such as thinking you’d leave him again or subconsciously worried that you weren’t fully happy. Maybe he didn’t want to wait for the other shoe to drop and pulled the plug first. But I do think that first breakup was the catalyst.

After you “broke up for good”, if I were you I would’ve held him to that and been done. You tried again, didn’t work, should’ve been the end. However, because you kept dealing with him, he just took that as a sign that you were cool with a sort of “friends with benefits” situation. Where you could flirt, kiss, etc but you should both mutually understand you are just friends. I think you were under the impression that all the back and forth during this time would lead to something or that he was having a change or heart, but this wasn’t the case. I can’t fault either of you for this because I really think a lack of communication was the culprit. You did not clarify where you two stood, basically went with the flow and therefore kept in touch under 2 separate guises.


When it comes to the girlfriend, and the timeline, I’m not sure if the situation was what you think it is. They started seeing each other in June, but was it official-official with a title? I don't know about your friends, but I have several who soft launch a relationship before ever actually declaring it. They post pics together, comment on each others content, but aren’t “official”. To me that’s an important aspect because depending on when they got serious your ex may have still been exploring his options during the time he was still chatting to you. He kissed you in June, maybe they started getting more serious by August and now they’re together. Talking to you all night would only be emotional cheating if they were together. In his mind it was you being an “excellent friend”; whether or not that true is debatable but you’ve got to take it at face value. That’s his truth.

[HollyK21]

Lastly, the unfriending after seeing your story, it’s clearly him being salty about you posting that story, and he probably thought it was meant to be spiteful since you posted it right after he posted his. Childish, I know. But at the end of the day, I’d just be done with it all. I’d delete him off any place I could see him and move on.

[Leaxleaaa]

No, he introduced the girl to his family. First to his sibling and his cousins. You don’t introduce someone to your family if it’s just another flirt. He was already cold and distance towards me by the end of May. Wouldn’t pick up my calls or show up to our dates. I was digging to understand, im saying it was in June bcs I found out they went out together with his siblings and cousins at mid June.

And about the unfollow, I don’t know if I did the right thing by doing but when I saw he unfollowed me, I texted him:
“Thanks for doing what I couldn’t bring myself to do. Wish you the best in your life. Thanks for entering into my life and for living.”
To which He replied:
“I felt you couldn’t do that. Thank you too, you didn’t understand me but ok. What you have for me, I’ll take it if you don’t mind.” It felt like he was trying to blame me.
So I answered:
“You’re wrong. I’m truly happy you have your own happiness, you have the one who is close to your soul. I’ve never blamed you for that. Keep her tight ok? And you can’t get offended from someone for loving. And what concerns to understanding you, it’s very secondary, and not important. Maybe I didn’t understand you, and you me. It’s ok, we can’t understand everyone.” I am not sure if this was the answer he has been expecting to get from me as the last message. He didn’t reply after that.

[HollyK21]

Even if she wasn’t just a casual flirt at the time, it doesn’t mean they were in a serious relationship, and that’s what I was basically saying before. You don’t know what the nature of that connection was in June, you just saw that picture and assumed they were fully together. Meanwhile I’ve seen my male cousin who is basically my brother so the exact same thing as this guy never 5 months before officiating the relationship, and he’s not a scumbag or dates multiple women. Obviously I could be all wrong, but I mean so could you, this is all speculative so without input from the people involved, anything could be possible.

As for the message, in a general sense I just don’t think he has anything else to say. His first response was pretty catty and rude, he could’ve just left it at “thanks you too” without the gaslighting but hey, he is who he is at the core. Whether or not is was a wrong or right move doesn’t matter anymore because at the end of the day — it’s all said and done. You can unwrite or reword, can’t take anything back, you’ve got to accept your choices.

[HollyK21]

**seen my male cousin who is basically my brother DO the exact same thing as this guy NEARLY 5 months before** just wanted to correct the typos

[EmmaMary]

The classic ingredients of yet another lovely Mills and Boon romantic novel.

[Leaxleaaa]

Why are you being sarcastic?

[EmmaMary]

Actually I'm being extremely complimentary!

[Leaxleaaa]

How so?

[EmmaMary]

Just read my first post/comment.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[Hardon-Collider]

He was never actually out of the picture. He was using you for emotional gratification and validation while also trying to be a 'nice guy' he wasn't ready to be. His 'coming back' was a sign of unresolved attachment, not a sign of commitment. He was keeping you around as a fallback, a safety net, while he was with someone else. He was trying to control the situation and keep you confused so he could feel good about himself. He wanted the attention and the 'nice guy' label without any of the actual work or responsibility. Unfollowing you wasn't about moving on; it was a final power play to make you feel like he'd finally moved on. He wasn't coming back for you; he was coming back for himself. He's not a 'good guy,' he's just emotionally immature and using people to make himself feel better.

[Leaxleaaa]

What do you think about his relationship? I feel like he also gave emotional lies to his girlfriend. Because if I were in her place, I would never appreciate my boyfriend doing everything he did with me behind the scenes.
Before he made that relationship public, he and I were still talking. By the end of June, they were already together. But in August, he was still calling me. He tried to reach out a few times, came back to me, talked to me, and then left again.
Meanwhile, he was posting exaggerated lovey-dovey content with his girlfriend. Pictures with captions like “She’s beautiful and I want her.”
Constant “I love you” comments.
Repeated posts showing how in love he was.
And that hurt, because he was like that with me at the beginning, very sweet, very attentive. But with me, it didn’t last. With her, he seemed to double down. So as a guy what do you think he feels?

[es20490446e]

In the past I used to worry a lot about why people acted as they did.

But in reality it doesn't matter the reasons, because it is out of your control.

The best thing you can do is to be clear yourself, and communicate your thinking clearly to the other person.

From that point onward it's their responsibility. Either they want to participate, or they don't.

[Anonymous]

Most men are cheaters, or at least thinking about it.

[es20490446e]

That's bullshit.