Should I write a letter of apology to an EX I hurt a long time ago?

[Anonymous]

To be honest I was debating whether or not to even ask this question on here. I'm not sure if I'm asking this as some form of cathartic writing to appease a deep seated guilt I've held on to for years, or if I'm genuinely looking to get thoughts regarding something that could be considered morally questionable, maybe both.

I'll start from the beginning. I had a girlfriend I was in a serious relationship with, we were together for about three years before breaking up. It was my fault, seriously my fault. I won't mince words, I was mentally abusive and a terrible person to her. To make matters even worse, not only did she put up with this, I ended up dumping her without even giving her any closure. This was almost twenty years ago.

For years I have always wanted to apologize to her but never had the courage to do so, with every passing year only making it easier to justify the acceptance of my guilty conscience. However, I've recently had some close calls in my life that have made me realize that I need to face my regrets, this being chief among them.

I want to write a letter of apology to her and right this wrong that I've held onto for so long, but I've heard from a mutual friend that she is married now and has children.

The truth is, if I were to write this letter I would completely acknowledge it for what it is, which is just one final act of selfishness on my part to ease my own guilty conscience. I can only imagine she's long since moved on and would hardly care to give this apology any consideration. I would also make it clear in the letter that I have no intention of ever contacting her again out of respect.

I have two choices in front of me.

In writing the letter, I would finally, and selfishly absolve my guilt and in doing so I would be disrupting her life. In not writing the letter, I will leave her in peace and continue living with my guilt.

What should I do? I will respect all opinions on the matter.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

If the apology is coming from a clean place not guilt, not a secret hope to reconnect, but real ownership then yes, it can be meaningful.

But here’s the filter you should run it through

* Will it help them, or only help you feel better?

A good apology centers their peace, not your relief.

* Are they in a new relationship, or have they moved on?

If reaching out could disrupt their life, it’s better left unsent.

* Do you already know what you did wrong, clearly and specifically?

If you’re still unsure, an apology might reopen wounds instead of closing them.

* Can you keep it short, respectful, and with zero expectations?
No “let’s catch up.”
No “I miss you.”
Just clean closure.

If you can meet those conditions, a simple letter acknowledging the hurt and wishing them well can be healing for both of you.

If not, the more mature move is to fix the pattern in your life now, and let the past stay closed.

[Anonymous]

Final act of selfishness. I think you Ned serious psychological help. Well there’s a saying only hurt people hurt. So get help and stop contacting married women u creep

[slatyb]

You should not. How would that help her? It would just bring up an old unpleasant memory.

[siezuresalad]

Just leave her be.

[dudeinohio]

No let it go.