Is this considered ‘cheating’ and who is in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Many partner left his phone unlocked and I had a look at his WhatsApp messages. I found out he is texting his ex partner who we saw in the supermarket the other week. It was a conversation asking how she is and that it was nice to see her. When I asked him if he has been messaging her since we’ve seen her he denied it. I then accused him of lying and he asked me why I would even ask that in the first place. I then said I could see in his eyes he was lying not mentioning I had a look at him phone. We ended up arguing all evening and now he wants to end it with me. We have been living together 2 years and have a daughter. I don’t know if I can trust him anymore with anything. Should I agree with ending the relationship or just give it a break for a while?

[egan3141]

Based on that information alone, you are both in the wrong and acting like spoiled brats. YOU HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER. If the worst you both did was lie to each other, then nothing bad actually happened and you both need to get over it.

However, him bringing up the idea of leaving is VERY questionable. There is also no way that arguing all evening didn't include WAY more than is in this story. Without knowing more, none of us can provide truly good advice. The best I can offer is to either tell us more so we can provide better advice (what topics where brought up in the fight that could have lead to the idea of separation. For instance, were you trying to control him? was he saying you don't get to dictate his life, were you both screaming about the other lying to you? Did other relationship issues come up?), OR sit down and talk to him again, but this time, start with acknowledging that what you did was wrong and that you want to make up because "we" have a child together, and "we" can't let one fight screw up her life.

[lilBigPotato]

Was there anything other than asking how she's doing? If not then that's not cheating. Do you have to like it? No obviously not. And he lied which is bad. But on the other side you sneak through his messages and lied in your response too so that's not good either.

You're 2 adults and have a daughter... How about you both get your shit together and talk it out

[CalmUntilAbused]

A 20-year-old girl making sense? Okay, looks like I have to become far less pessimistic in my takes about how all the newer generations (of women) are absolutely screwed. Maybe I will even have to review some of the takes I have already posted. Congratulations for this take, fair lady!

[Sunshinelips]

Exes are exes for a reason. He shouldn’t be messaging her at all. Take a look at your relationship, what’s missing? Do you make him happy? Does he withdrawal when you go to touch him? Are you satisfying his needs many times throughout the week? There’s a reason why he messaged her after seeing her. He probably misses her.

[Asker]

He told me why. He says he wanted to piss her off and rub it in now we have a child together. Unsure if I can believe this

[Sunshinelips]

Sorry but that sounds bs. He’s lying. If he’s on social media, he’d be able to piss her off by showing off his kid. Especially if they have friends in common or still friends on there.

[DishLady]

in my opinion it's wrong to "test" a guy by asking something you know.

Just get straight to the point. "I noticed you texted Carrie a few times since we ran into her... is there something I should know?"

Yes or no... and take it at face value. You can add that it bothers you if it bothers you. Be direct. If you're direct he can't argue that he didn't know it bothered you.

The more of an argument and fuss you make the more he will START thinking about her.

[CalmUntilAbused]

A level-headed take as usual!

[DishLady]

I’m surrounded by guys at work and at home. Each is different (smart and caring in different ways) but also “crazy” in similar ways and “silly” in similar ways. (Some are REALLY mean, but I find it’s not the standard.)

[AviatorTom]

There must be something else in your relationship for you to have such a serious reaction just because he says hi to his ex. He's legitimately upset for you violating his privacy and looking at his phone, and then you getting upset because he texted his ex.

Think of your daughter. I'm not suggesting you continue a relationship just for a child, but she should be the most important thing to each of you.

To answer your question, what he did is not cheating.

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well then, both of You were lying - him about not texting her and You about "seeing in his eyes he was lying". After all the hell we're through, men are allergic to cheap arguments along the lines of "I see it in your eyes". We've been through a lot of this and in most cases it caused us serious harm even though we were innocent. Given that he wasn't, he'd be even more defiant, since the hell that might come is even worse. Honestly, especially if there was nothing intimate in these texts, You should have been honest about Your source of information. It would provide positive feedback for him to be cautious about leaving any of his electronic devices unlocked, and it might have spiraled into an actual discussion instead of an argument.

Given Your description of the messages You found, I don't think it was cheating, since there was nothing intimate/sexual in those messages (also, You are using the word "partner" instead of "husband", so chances are whatever he did, it would hardly constitute cheating - cheating is about betraying Your lifelong spouse, not just someone You are a "partner" for - the latter is simply an act of disloyalty in general), so for the sake of Your child, I think You should make it work.

[Noredcarpet]

You obviously got trust issues that goes Beyond what just happened, been going on for some time I think. I agree with you, I do not buy his explaination why he contacted her was to try to make her envious of you and your daughter, that's just sick. He had another reason for it. You two should be OK together if to have contact with exes or not and if what sort of contact. You know my partner when jealous would look through my stuff all the time without me knowing and confessed it to me, he had never said anything about it. As uncomfortable as it made me I can assure you I had never done anything he wouldn't have approved of anyways. I do not know what to call what your partner is up to but what ever it is it's not good. You were wrong too to snoop but then again people often do when they suspect something is up, except when they are jealous, having trust issue for no reason at all.

[Noredcarpet]

If he wants to end it over one evening of fighting I am afraid he has for some time been having this thought, or could it be a game he plays? Some threaten to leave just to paralyze their partner?
I should be honest with you, I too one time did look through something of my partner after having had all kinds of input gut feeling about a woman in his life having the hots for him. I could tell when I was there how she acted. But too tell that he was not flirting with her but I still could not tell if there was something. I too did not tell him. My gut oroved right. She did try to get in contact with him that way. He? He quickly let her know his way he did not accept. He never told me. Not saying it to make you feel worse but your partner has no matter his reason taken the lead in all this, it is not as if she was the one to reach out to him and he replied. Please try to take care of yourself and your little girl best you can, he has some growing to do.

[Asker]

Thanks for this one. Seems like you understand me a bit. He is an older man he should know better. We have resolved the issue now and he says he won’t do it again. Let’s see how long this lasts

[Noredcarpet]

Oh you're welcome, glad I could help a bit, at least. Yes, he most definitely should. Good you stood your ground, you have good instinct, gut, don't let anyyone else tell you different, don't let anyone confuse you 😀

[SamIam96]

It isn't cheating when someone asks an ex how they're doing. Lots of people maintain platonic friendships. The issue is that both of you were dishonest. It seems silly that he lied. He didn't do anything wrong. Why did he feel like he needed to conceal their text conversation? Why do you distrust him and sneak around checking up on him?

I feel badly for your daughter. For her sake and if the relationship is worth saving, why don't you tell him what you did, apologize and give him the opportunity to do the same.

[Staximus]

He was the one talking to his ex behind your back and lying about it. You live together and have a child together. He shouldn't even be worried about what you see on his phone at this point, and he shouldn't have anything to hide from you. It's not like you just started dating, you're practically married. If he's mad that you didn't trust him, maybe he should have been more trustworthy. He could have admitted to messaging her like a man instead of lying about it. Instead of owning his mistakes, he's using you going through his phone and not trusting him as a excuse to leave. That makes him a gaslighting piece of shit. He wants to leave because you don't trust him? Good, let him fuck off into the sunset🌅

[Evsisa]

Leave him. He’s obviously lying to you, you know that for a fact. There’s zero reason for him to message his ex like that. He’s willing to leave you and ruin your family over lies about messaging his ex. Clearly he doesn’t love and respect you. There’s nothing left in this relationship. Don’t allow yourself to be treated like this and definitely don’t let your daughter think this is acceptable behavior from men that she should tolerate when she’s older.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s not cheating, he didn’t do anything wrong by texting her, but he did do something wrong by lying to you about it

[itsannalee]

If you do the same thin like he does, if he okay with that? If he okay, it not considered as cheating.
But personally I would be upset.

[noohair]

You are thinking about this with your female brain and he is using his male brain. As a man I do not see this as a big deal. Talking to an ex is not cheating. Because he still cares about her you think he is a cheater. Your mistake is not being married. He can walk away. If you tell him you looked at his phone, you can destroy the relationship. I believe that no matter what I say, this lying issue has poisoned your mind, so you screwed yourself.

[snapkingmatt]

You have a daughter... Both of you stop thinking of your own idiot pride and start thinking of your kid! You: don't check his WhatsApp! He: stop giving her reasons to do so.

Poor girl. Please take couples counseling.

[Nikki1989]

Most women would be shocked if they were to read what is on their man's phone.

[AviatorTom]

@Nikki1989 That's why it's a violation of the guy's privacy when you do it. We guys have no desire to search your phone. And that's the way it should be.

[Nikki1989]

@AviatorTom Twisted logic. You are cheating with your phone, so women shouldn't look.

Maybe don't cheat.

[AviatorTom]

@Nikki1989 I never said we guys are cheating, only that there's lots of things on our phones most women would not understand. Same thing goes for what's on a woman's phone. I would never try to look at what's on my wife's phone, and she has never looked at mine

[MrChinaski]

He asked a friend how they are doing. 100% normal.

You took a phone from someone who is supposed to be your partner and father of your child and betrayed his trust utterly by reading his messages. 100% evil.

[NoDecision]

See what nosiness will get you. Seems like you caused the problem for yourself as you had no proof he was doing anything that was wrong. Talking to an ex is not against the law.

[egan3141]

Uh... cheating on a marriage isn't against the law either
(Not saying talking to an ex is bad, just that your comparison is dumb)

[NoDecision]

@egan3141 We are saying the same thing. Your comment was just more eloquent than mine. 🤔

[DextroShade]

Normally I would say contact with exes is a deal-breaker, but you already have a CHILD with this man. As long as he's not a bad father, it is in the best interests of the child to grow up in a two-parent household. Suck it up buttercup!

[LiamJHayden]

You were deceptive as well by going through his phone. Also, if he wants to end it why would you think you can decide to just make it a break instead? Is he that weak?

[LiamJHayden]

And no, simply being polite is not cheating except to someone who is SUPER insecure.

[RavVid]

Difficult circumstances because you don't how he feels about his ex. You know he lies though.

[Drumlin2001]

You're both in the wrong. Him for talking and kying about it, you for snooping

[CalmUntilAbused]

And also lying about it. 😀

[Vegasrunner]

in my opinion he should break up with you for violating his privacy.

[jahaims]

Move on he doesn't respect you

[blackeagle007]

I’d hire a p. i

[In_Trance]

Yes, you cheated

[Asker]

How did I cheat?

[In_Trance]

Stay tf out if his phone