Girls, when you are unhappy in a relationship, why don’t you just end it and walk away instead of trying to act like a victim?

[Finchie40]

Before my ex and I split up, she wouldn’t leave when she clearly said she was unhappy and miserable with me and wanted a divorce , she would consistently say negative things to me , by putting me down , basically saying all the reasons she no longer wanted to be with me anymore , instead of just leaving? I told her just to go and to stop wasting her energy by knocking me down , because your words mean nothing to me , So why didn’t she just leave and stop wasting your energy , if she was that unhappy and miserable with me , what was her reason behind that? Was she trying to justify her selfish behavior so she can play a victim? Was she already involved with someone else , but she wanted to play a victim instead of being considered a cheater?

[Noredcarpet]

My guess is that because she was mentally ill from my understanding depression , anxiety? Is that she simply could not make up her mind, and she still loved you.

Her words were proberbly when she was down or having recurring anxiety. I experienced witj the ex, he broke out with his bipolarity, jealousy, which too made him give me confusing messages. I would think if he has such strong suspiscioun of infidelity but when it was all pushed he let me be (instead go after innocent guy).

Your former wife's way make no logic sense because her mental illness got in the way of that.

I think we got a better chance of not scratching our heads if a relationship is terminated without there having been a mental illness behind it, this is on a completely different scale.

I have been told what scars it did to me, this was to my understanding Your long term partner, the mother of your children and that combined with the scars she gave you I understand if it leaves you confused, wondering as it do not make sense.

It only makes sense to someone ill at the time and maybe then just moments of it as they are trapped in their own hell, really, from one strong emotions to the next doing all the talking, emotionally abusing their partner, and in their sickness at the time justifying it.

I have bad memories of my ex I won't write about. You get used to the emotional abuse that you get numbed in one way, scarred the next.

I have discovered this other ways too that to me when few people get a mental illness they don't follow through with their decision to for example leave a relationship or home or what it now may be, they don't have that kind of strenght to follow through, they are only certain then and there,, this because they are 'only' feeling it then and there, then it goes away, then returns, they have no tool to deal with it, it projects out. It was projected out to you. They don't change their lives like that. They suffer, project, but they do not follow through.

I don't think people who has not been ill themselves or been in a relationship with someone who got ill can comprehend how it is, it is something you have to live through to get.

I have gotten my explaination as to what my ex most likely suffered from and that it can be combined with jealousy like that, psychotic, periods just like I lived through with him. Never could understand it before.

I too would wonder why does he not just leave me if he now suspect this? Why not leave me when I calculated he would leave me. He was I thought about to but then came back. He was like this.

As pathetic as it sounds I was afraid to leave him, that is til I finally had to. I would have gotten so ill myself.

I thought there must be something I do wrong, there must be something wrong with me, as he too was the expert of blaming me when he got like that, the look in his eyes, so mad, disgusted, him thinking the best of himself, the king, the ego, but too he would give me mixed messages with that saying it was him, as if that too was my fault, how he loved me.

I hope one day you will get clarity as to why she would say such things and still not leave. I for one think it was her mental illness speaking, projecting, and her fight with it, making her unable to leave too, just like how it was with my ex.

As I've learned more about bipolar, jealousy I get the reasons behind his behavoir more than before which has made me more safe, grounded about it.

I think when we understand something we are less afraid of it and less afraid we will be exposed to it again, we can tell the difference. We will carry the scarrs from it, had we not had them we would not have been human or been able to love.

It is frightening when we think we know someone, think they will always be this way, they are not perfect, I was not perfect, but we knew and cared and loved one another, had problems like every one else, and through some sick twisted ways they change on you, change for the worse and you feel powerless. I think not to defend her, but that she was powerless too, needed help, my ex did, but it was as if my ex did not recognize he did, but thought it was me. Underneith his illness I do think he still loved me, but judging by how he acted who would feel that.

I understand more the suffering my ex went through when he made me, us suffer. This was his reality. It wasn't real. The only real serious thing we had on our hands was his mental illness.

I would not be able to say if he ever got clarity of everything looking back or still part of it or all of it or thought it was my fault. I was afraid, angry, repulsed at the idea of seeing him again, or wanting anything to do with him. It was as if he could not understand that, but respected it in the end.

I do think some people who go through mental illness and/or an addiction have blind folders on, they can not fully comprehend what they have exposed their surrounding too, when in it, when looking back, but I do think some, at least, are hit with waves of quilt, grief, they are victims too and made us victims with them. Why so important to get the right kind of help for their sake and others.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Most women don’t stay because they want to play the victim.

They stay because leaving costs more than people realize.


Some common reasons,

* Emotional attachment
Love doesn’t shut off the moment something feels wrong. People remember the good, the effort, the potential.

* Hope things will improve
Especially if the partner wasn’t always this way. Many stay for the version they know can exist.

* Gradual erosion, not a clear break
Unhappiness often creeps in slowly. There isn’t one dramatic moment that makes walking away obvious.

* Fear of being blamed or not believed
Women are often told they’re “overreacting,” “too emotional,” or “never satisfied,” so they second-guess themselves.

* Practical realities
Shared lives, finances, kids, housing, social pressure. Walking away isn’t always safe or simple.

* Trying to communicate first
Expressing pain isn’t victimhood. It’s often an attempt to fix the relationship before giving up.


Also, from the outside, expressing hurt can look like playing the victim when it’s actually someone reaching their limit.

That said, staying forever in resentment helps no one.

But leaving usually happens after someone feels unheard, not before.

Most women don’t want sympathy.
They want change, clarity, or reassurance.

When none of those come, then they walk.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to reference what anonymous pink is saying on this question because I think she hits the nail on the head. She's completely wrong about it, but she hits the nail on the head.

Imagine you have a guy who is abusing his wife or girlfriend. And then at the end of it. He says "why do YOU make me do that to you"? Is is that justified? Is that love? Of course not!

So why would anonymous pink think it's saying "we love you and we want you to care". By verbally or browbeating a guy? IT'S NOT!

She's trying to JUSTIFY her behavior is all.

[lightbulb27]

Most women process emotions by talking, they aren't as logical and rational but emotional in processing. That's one reason, she decided to "talk" which was processing to sort it out. Leaving is a decision, not easily made. Some people can't decide what shirt to buy, these are big decisions.

Sometimes they are playing a game to see if you will come crawling back. If so, she got control of you, which his what she wants.

a different person would have acted differently...

[Staximus]

They usually don't leave because they're broke bums and financial mismanagers, and know that their ride on the gravy train is going to grind to a halt. That is not always the case, though. My friend's psycho manipulator wife never left him and has always made more money than him, but has given him pure hell for the past 20 years. He's cheated on her more times than anybody I know, I don't know why she stays.

[Finchie40]

Why is he staying is the question

[ManOnFire]

When women do this it's because they know they have no other place to go or because they think or hope it will make you change or bend to their will. They don't actually want to leave you, they still want you, but they also want to control you at the same time. If a woman really hates you and is done, she will walk.

[FictionalCharacter]

I know someone like this. It’s because they are not financially stable and they are not prepared for life. They are mentally content with sticking around.

[mysteriousNicholas]

@Finchie40 I feel for you Finchie. Clearly this is something that continues to stay with you. Do you think you'll move on? Move on soon? Perhaps just adopt an attitude of live and let live you know?

After all - it's like applying onto a new job. Why hold baggage and before you know it, the new job is all positivity

[sage2021]

When I was terribly unhappy with my 2nd marriage I made him leave. He had places to stay and my son and I didn't.

It almost seemed like he was doing everything he could to make me unhappy on purpose.

It had to end!!

[Anonymous]

Because we want them to care. We care and want to see something that tells us they care. When a woman doesn’t care anymore she’s quiet and doesn’t give a shit about anything you do. She’s already checked out emotionally, knows she’s going to leave and just stick around while planning her exit. When a woman still argues with you that way, she hasn’t checked out and still clings to some kind of hope that things can be solved.

[egan3141]

Isn't that basically a self-sabotaging mind game? (to do it the way the poster described)

[robocop666]

Your ex sounds like a seriously fucked up person. For no reason at all just messed up.

[Finchie40]

Yea she is definitely fucked in the head and suffers mental illness big time

[robocop666]

everything was going fine for decades then she lost it for no reason at all.

[NathanDavis]

when I am unhappy with something that doesn't work... I first try to fix it, not to leave it... lol

[Anonymous]

I think you have a very good point.