My first breakup feels like losing a family member, is it normal?

[angelwingsss]

I’m 18 and don’t live with my parents. I broke up with my first serious boyfriend a few months ago. We lived together, and for me he wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my home, my safety, my family. His family became my family. For the first time in my life I felt chosen and protected.

I ended the relationship because he wasn’t a bonus in my life or an addition, he had become my life. The role he filled slowly became a burden. I started becoming his caretaker. I gave too much of myself, neglected my own needs, and learned love as something that had to be earned by how much I gave. I knew it wasn’t healthy long term.

What hurts the most is what happened after. When I was vulnerable and just wanted to talk to the one person who knew me best, he slept with me and then slowly cut contact on his own terms. It felt like being abandoned when I needed him the most. It felt like my parents choosing a future without me in it all over again.

Now I feel conflicted because I was the one who broke up with him, yet I feel like I’m the one who got left. I don’t want him back, but losing him feels like losing a family member. I miss feeling chosen. I miss feeling safe.

I’ve never learned to be in my own company and feel like love the best substitute for the emotionally and physically absent parents. I fear abandonment and my day without a person is always mundane.

Updates

6 mo

I had to leave him first of all became he wasn’t an addition to my life, but he became my life. That made me do things to stoop down to his level and neglect my own needs just so I could fill that void. I wouldn’t say he’s narcissistic because we are both still very young first of all, he had his own struggles, the biggest one communication. He was there when I needed him. He was present, and I lived with him when ‘home’ wasn’t stable. He opened his door to me, and his family became mine.

[lightbulb27]

Quite a read. Yes, it's extremely painful. I'd add that ghosting is also awful and can be like having a limb cut off or worse. Emotional pain is real.

There is a lot in what you wrote, some of it I don't understand fully... like you were becoming so dependent and close you felt you had to leave. His using you sounds kinda normal, for a person that doesn't care about you, but about themselves. You drew a selfish child, which is easy to do at that age. Sex by the way... is a release! That you are weak with him says something... needy caregiver? That would align well with narcisstic guy. That would mean, he doesn't have much father figure or holds spite. Common patterns, not a guarantee. If some truth to that, you gotta do some work to avoid repeat.

It's clear you have had some issues in upbringing and now are in the "find mate, reproduce and resolve to love" phase of life. Your sub conscious (heart) chose someone and maybe they weren't the best for you, but they challenged you deeply. Love does that and it's an opportunity to resolve the deeper emotional issues throwing you off (away from God) and challenging you to become your better self.

That is the course of action... to reflect, write, heal deeper wounds... so you have a solid foundation for which to choose better, and be the better you for the next person and your kids. Failure... running to the comfort of someone new so fast, often means more pain and repeat of the cycle.

It may be long time to get over the early love, it's strong. As you reflect on the value gained... what you learned, that you grew from it to your better self, then it was a necessary stepping stone. Until then, it may reverberate with pains from your family. Such is the challenge of emotionally growing.

God I find, is in these things.. and God is ok with you suffering, if it means growth. Seek, and you will find.

That's my experience on how this stuff works, I'm not a trained therapist. Seen this stuff play out enough. It's emotional resolution.

[angelwingsss]

I had to leave him first of all became he wasn’t an addition to my life, but he became my life. That made me do things to stoop down to his level and neglect my own needs just so I could fill that void. I wouldn’t say he’s narcissistic because we are both still very young first of all, he had his own struggles, the biggest one communication. He was there when I needed him. He was present, and I lived with him when ‘home’ wasn’t stable. He opened his door to me, and his family became mine.

He just wasn’t emotionally mature and I was carrying that weight. He had his own personal struggles and in a way I filled a void. The difference was he was comfortable in the relationship, I wanted to grow. Later the things he fulfilled in me became suffocating. What I once thought was so important and different from my family situation and in the relationship was just me repeating the same patterns, neglecting my own needs again, just for him.

He did what he did out of hurt, and I’m not trying to justify it, but again it just goes to show how he dealt with pain and the emotional part. Instead of facing it, he would either be ashamed and ignore it. He was never mean to me, issue was he only changed when the relationship had a close call, not when it was actually needed. He never communicated because he was scared that what he’d say hurt me, but ironically him not saying anything hurt me the most.

[lightbulb27]

He's avoidant, young and immature. You, oddly, sound like the mature one emotionally eventhough you haven't had the support. It's quite normal for people to be immature and to ignore changing... until they have no choice but force and pain, then they might try... but usually relapse to old habits. Its hard work getting someone to face "whom they are", become aware, and change. We are dealing with that now at home and have in the past.
In relationships if you can communicate and each own your stuff, it's really good. You have to accept the other as they are though, which can be hard... most people don't want to change.
So that leaves you with nowhere to go... you left him and can't go home so you are on your own or crashing at a friends?
It's not realistic to think 18yr old guys are mature and it's very accepting of them to take in a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Yes it can feel this way. But yours sounds more serious, especially w the unstable home life w your own parents. This doesn’t really sound like love. Sounds more like attachment trauma, some abandonment issues even though you’re the one who initiated it. Sounds like you were codependent on him, like he was your home emotionally. Your abandonment issues were triggered again after you slept w this other dude you talked to. Maybe I’m wrong but I think you’re grieving the loss of the security, not so much the person. That’s probably part of the reason why you slept w the other dude cause for a while there it gave you some sense of security. Sounds like you’re more addicted to being chosen, not to him. I say you go zero contact w him, no exceptions. Seek therapy. Learn to build an identity w out a partner. Stop dating for now. Build some friendships, stability, purpose and routines,

[Nikki1989]

Not for me, no. My first breakup had to happen, and it was a relief when it did.

[DishLady]

Yeah, it's normal to feel a tie to the person you broke up with.

[AI Opinion]

I totally get it, breakups can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, especially when it's your first one and it feels like losing family! 🤗 It's super important to acknowledge the pain and realize that you're not alone in feeling this way. It's a big step to focus on yourself and your needs. Finding your own "home" within and learning to love your own company can be incredibly empowering. Sometimes heartbreak pushes us to grow in ways we never imagined. Remember, even though it feels lonely now, you've got an amazing journey ahead. You’ll shine bright, and someone will come along who treasures the real you! 🌟

[Rangers]

I'll say this, if I ever have a daughter and she wants to move out at 18, I'd have said "hell no, you're not ready".

I guess maybe I wouldn't make such a bad father cause clearly that's exactly what you needed to hear. But that's okay, you're back home, you can learn and grow very fast. You're already discovering things it took me much longer to figure out.

My first girlfriend cheated and abandoned me, she still won't tell me why. It felt like she died, like my world crumbled but then I met someone new. Me and her didn't workout, I met someone new, it didn't work.

The cold, hard truth is that's exactly what's waiting for you: More breakups. You'll keep getting hurt and discouraged until one day, you're not. Cause you'll have found the one but only if you keep your legs moving in the dating world

[angelwingsss]

I didn’t move out at 18. I was raised by neglectful parents. I lived with my grandma and it was unsafe for me long-term.

My father has made a future, a family that doesn’t include me and that started at a young age. It’s bold of you to assume. I moved in with my boyfriend because his parents opened their doors to me, because I lived in a toxic household. This was accepted by child welfare services who’s been in my life for as long as I can remember. I understand breakups hurt, but I’m just saying that the dynamic at such a young age 15-18, does create an unhealthy attachment.

I understand your point, but when growing up in an emotionally and physically neglectful household other people can fill that role, and our brain loves familiarity, even if it isn’t healthy. It hurts because I felt like I lost a family members and not a boyfriend, that was who he was to me.

[MrChinaski]

There are some lengthy supports in the thread already. All I wanted to say is you have great self-awareness. You do need to process things, but take your time. My experience is it can become all consuming. Process now as you are doing. When you are ready to rest, come back to the subject in say 6 or 12 months... you'll have a different perspective with some time. And most importantly, be kind to yourself, you did well.

[zombiewoof]

A very hard learned lessen. Sad part is the person that deserves you may not get what you gave before because of the first

[AliceGregory]

Yes, breakups often feel this way.

[MasterKS]

@AliceGregory moving n best option.

[MasterKS]

Get use to of it, its life.