Why doesn't my ex wife leave me alone if she hates me so much?

Question

I know my ex is mentally ill , but she is the one that ruined our marriage and decided i was no longer a priority to her, She would put me down, criticize me , belittle me, compare me to other men , made me feel like I wasn't good enough, she stopped sleeping with me , she stopped being intimate and affectionate with me , to the point i finally had enough of her shit and i fell out of love with her , she became Ugly to me and she was never ugly to me until she started saying all these negative things to me , so i told her it's over and that she is best to go find happiness elsewhere, because she clearly isn't happy with me , i told her we can sell the house and split the money and go our separate ways, she says fine but then changes her mind and acts like everything is ok , when it isn't ok , she still lives in the house with me and she lives in the basement , we both do our own things , but she acts like i am wrong for doing so , and now she is trying to play a victim when really she is the POS. I told her i no longer love her or find her attractive hoping she would get the hint and leave , but she won't , what is her deal? I know she is going through menopause but her menopause is extreme with her mental illness combined , ad i can no longer tolerate how she treats me , so i barely go home anymore after work

Noredcarpet · Accepted Answer

My guess is she has difficulty processing because of her mental illness so she has had a twisted sort of reality, could be it was 50 or 80 or 95% etc due to her own experiences, and then you represented the other % if something u did, said triggered this or u were in fact wrong about something. Depression can hit harder each time if not dealt with the correct way. As u say hormones can kick in.

They have also finally realized, the experts that it is not good to only see, treat the partner (or in this case your expartner). I know when this has been done, the women in these cases I'm thinking of, then gets "validation" from their treater that their men are the scumbags and so they file. Years later they cry and say they think it was the Depression that did it, they miss their ex, their new bfs are not half of what he was, etc. in my opinion what should have been done is that they see them both, husband and wife, or expartners who still has to deal with one another because of co parenting or something else, and it will give a more fair view of what's going on, both parties are being heard. I was skeptic myself at times as I thought it was a piece of cake to just use AI which would overall give me general advice about my partners and/or my problem and I thought it is only good for a period of time but because they did not find me in the same spot as he of cource to me this looks like forever treatments and could we please go back to the living, and are u sure they're not making money of u, etc, but I can tell by now that for him or us if I stay on it is good and it takes time and work.

I think why she won't leave u alone is because she has trouble with her depression, often anxiety, impulses, strong feelings what went wrong, who is this fault, who is the other? My ex who I have been on about, the suspected bipolar guy, I could tell had trouble processing after our split. The other guy/ex who I would say treated me well (despite his addiction and anything underlying issues he struggled with), all to the closing in on our split had too trouble processing. It means pretty much that they won't leave u alone like u would expect an individual who is in a socalled normal state, that don't struggle with a mental illness and/or addiction simultanously.

She too has a way too easy access to u and I don't want to offend u or anything but you proberbly have too "weak"/too kind boundaries in one way and I get if u have that but I would look for a different solution on how the two of u live. Too, I would have strict rules on how to further co parents as in when, how your communication style should proceed, using a third, neutral someone, or through e-mail or only on the phone a specific day, time. I had to assert these things to my own dad (battling mental illness, wanting my mom back and not thinking twice about using me as a camouphlage hoping I would be up to some mischief when lets say he had me for the weekend so he could have that as an excuse to just talk to her and inform her and ask if she thought he had handled it the right way. I would at my moms plug out the phone and say he talk to me then and there, no more, no less. If he was looking to have a good relationship with me it better not be that he would use me to get to her.

With my partner as we had our crises I knew he wouldn't respect my need to be alone so I did what it took in order for him not to get to me, as I know how intense he can get (anxiety) and I knew myself enough to understand that if I stay or let him in too close, free access, I am going to say and maybe do things in the heat of the moment that is just mean and crazy, and I don't want to be that person. If we ourselves are too cornered we can have the flight freeze or attack reaction meanwhile the other one can have hers/his and so our brains work in very simple ways and we can not connect then and there. This is a situation between u that I think is not good for u or her. U have to know u are different, reacting in different ways. I can compare it with that my partner would always when something was up just leave, leave the room, leave the home, leave where ever, when in my opinion we had just started talking. A closer look at it he was more stressed out about it than I was. I figure he would be back and he was soon after but then it was that he would pretend it was all settled and that everything was as it should be. He wasn't raised to really talk and this is all he knew. The difference I was told as what would happen if I did this to him (he would come running after, even as I always told him I can't do more of this now, I need a break, we're both too upset, I know I am, we have to talk about it later) is that it triggered something called abondenment issue in him (even if I was always true to my word). Had I had the same issue he had him walking out would trigger my system and it would be mean, but because I didn't I stayed intact, but I refused to pretend everything was dealt with, fine, when it wasn't but I too knew I had to take it in small steps.

It could be she has that, abondenment issue, and if she does she won't leave u alone especially if she is not doing well with her anxiety at the same time. Meaning it is up to u to put up the walls, boundaries, so u both can cope. It shouldn't be, it should be the both of u, but hey, what are u going to do? If u put them up for yourself that is your law.

It can be supportive for u alone as well if the two of u contact expert to get the tools u need, that way there is also a third neutral part who she now gets aware of is there for your sake too, it can help things ahead.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I was married to a man with Narcissistic personality disorder, MDD, and Bipolar 1 with schizo effect... And they just get worse with age. Unhappy with everything no matter how hard you try. YOU are always in the wrong. They can do no wrong, YOU have to change. He was constantly complaining about me, eventually I suggested divorce so that he can find someone that makes him happy, but no, I had to change my ways. Eventually his mental illness took things too far and me and my kid made a run for it. I filed for divorce- it's been two years (three if you include the year we were separated) and he's still in denial about the divorce. Just last month he told me I "need to stop my shit and come back.". I used to "work late" as well. I didn't want to go home. Grocery shopping would take me two hours just so that I can get out of the house and away from him. Sharing a child makes it extra challenging. He does not take any responsibility. He can not see what he did wrong, and he refuses to go for help. He doesn't want to start over with a new relationship. He wants me to come back and submit - not gonna happen. I already excepted that he's never going to go away. God knows how he's going to be when I start dating again. I'm guessing a lot of spiteful actions.

Sal_Monella · Accepted Answer

Your word wall was too hard to red to organize the context. I edited it for you so men will read it. I know my ex is mentally ill. She is the one that ruined our marriage and decided that i was no longer a priority to her. She would put me down, criticized me , belittled me, compared me to other men and made me feel like I wasn't good enough. She stopped sleeping with me. She stopped being intimate and affectionate with me to the point i finally had enough of her shit and i fell out of love with her. She became ugly to me and she was never ugly to me until she started saying all these negative things to me. I told her it's over and that she is best to go find happiness elsewhere, because she clearly isn't happy with me. I told her that we can sell the house, split the money and go our separate ways. She says fine, but then she changes her mind and acts like everything is ok, when it isn't ok. She still lives in the house with me and she lives in the basement. We both do our own things, but she acts like i am wrong for my doing so. Now she is trying to play a victim when really she is the POS. I told her I no longer love her or find her attractive hoping she would get the hint and leave , but she won't , what is her deal? I know she is going through menopause but her menopause is extreme with her mental illness combined. I can no longer tolerate how she treats me , so i barely go home anymore after work. I have lived this. I'll respond later.

RavVid · Accepted Answer

That is a bad situation you have.

Some women set about destroying relationships as soon as they are in one. Relentlessly waging a power struggle with you and grinding you down. Men want peace in their home and tend to yield in the fights women start. A female friend analogized as "we snip away at their balls till there eventually is nothing left".

A friend is 60+. (I hang out with older guys because I can learn from their life experience whereas I can't from guys nearer my age). His wife divorced him and ruined his relationship with his four children but his ex-wife still expects husband support from him. He reckons that once you have been in, you are still a resource forever in their eyes.

In your case your wife killed off the relationship (no sex, no affection) but still seems to want the resource side. Fairly normal. When they haven't a new guy to extract from they will continue extracting from the ex guy. Vaguely conveying an ambiguous relationship status helps them to continuing to extract. Your ex seems to be doing this.

My ex still seems to expect resourcing too as needed. Another friend's ex girlfriend still expects to go to his family's dinners.

OK, they no longer want to give the sex and spread their legs etcbut they still want to keep the resourcing side going because that is advantageous to them. Still keep you as a servant.

Youtube channel PyscheDepth has some videos around this area and I'd encourage you to watch some.

Ilynpayne · Answer

Unfortunately, I see narcissistic tendencies in some of your ex-husband's behaviors.

Some men lack self-confidence but can't even admit it to themselves. In fact, they often know they are inadequate. After a relationship ends, they think no woman will accept them as a partner. Therefore, they try to continue the current, expired relationship. They portray their partners as inadequate, manipulate and blame them, trying to cover up their own inadequacies.

But the relationship they are in, the one that has ended, is comfortable for them. They don't want it to end.

Crimsyjo · Answer

Why are you giving her a choice? Your not a couple. Sell the house. Or tell her to buy you out in a one off payment not instalments if she wants the house.

This co-living is mentally damaging both of you and preventing any future. And time is ticking. You wanna waste the rest of your life on this situation?

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Sell the house and go halfs.. If you don't like your life don't leave it up to someone else to decide what you do.

sage2021 · Answer

I'm surprised you haven't sold the house yet. Sell the house 🏡 ASAP! Then you two can finally split the sheets too!!

msc545 · Answer

Find a way to kick her out. I'm betting you bought that house with your money.

robocop666 · Answer

If your unhappy being together sell the house and move apart.

AgentG111 · Answer

She's mentally ill and wants to continue to control you or make you miserable.

Anonymous · Answer

You might have money or the home or the children. If you are dating someone. Making it hell for you just because she can do that. They get thrills from doing this.

Anonymous · Answer

Horrible things are said and that can't be undone Kills any feelings that used to exist

In_Trance · Answer

Why do you keep interacting with her?

Mike_Hum · Answer

are you married or not?

Why doesn't my ex wife leave me alone if she hates me so much?

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