Why do women keep their exes around?

[EMTorres1021]

Hello all, thank you for your time and responses. This question is for the ladies.

So, ladies, here is a scenario for you:

You are a young, smart, attractive girl. Guys most likely flirt with you a lot. Despite the fact that you have a bunch of people checking you out, you are extremely self-conscience and insecure. The thought of another woman in competition with you makes you feel very little.

You have had many relationships, but you have about 2 or 3 exes that you keep in touch with. Now, here is where it gets tricky. You know that "guy 1" knows of the other guys, but doesn't like either of them, for obvious reasons. And at the same time, you expect that "guy 2" or even "guy 3" may not like each other either. With that said, you still keep these guys hanging on, so to speak, because you know at least one of them really loves you. So why do you play these guys in this position? Are you just keeping them as option because they are the "best" guys you see for yourself? Insecure so can't commit?

I ask because I have known my ex for over 3 years now. We keep in touch, and she knows I have feelings. I have told her to leave me alone, because she was seeing other ppl, and I didn't want to hang around if there was no space for me. But she still contacts me, and our mutual friends still invite out with them, her included. Any tips, women? (Men are welcomed also) thank you.

[Anonymous]

Okay multiple things here:

scenario a) You don't click anymore but she still feels very connected to you as a friend. There are guys I've dated that probably know more about me than my own mother, regardless of weather we still have that spark I care a great deal for them and still think of them as some of my closest friends.

scenario b) Friends circle overlap, this can be an honest mistake. I'll invite two people who have broken up to the same event because a) I'm under the impression that everything is good or b) I don't want to exclude them and figure that they'll figure it out.

scenario c) You're a rock and a security blanket to her and she doesn't want to let you go. This one is a little f***ed up, but I've been there before despite trying my hardest not to. Except in my case neither one of us are dating anyone else, but we're still not together? It's complicated. And a lot of it boils down to insecurities and not wanting to leave a person who gets you even though you don't feel it anymore. I knew he was still into me and I knew I wasn't -- but I'd still hang out watch a movie and cuddle with him because it was safe and known and yeah it was hard to stop. But, for his sake I did even though my life was sh*t and I really needed a rock. Now I'm just so f***ing lost, but it was such a slippery slope.

[EMTorres1021]

Thank you. That was a very sensible answer you gave and thanks for addressing each point. This involves someone I really love, so I appreciate the careful comparison.

[Opinion Owner]

I hope it all works out for you. He called me the other day and I just started crying, I mean even if I'm not IN love with him anymore I still love him. I want nothing more than to have my best friend back, his awesome advice, and his grounding hugs that make everything okay. But, I know it's not fair, and this is just one of those situations where I can't have my cake and eat it too. Love is messy, but I wouldn't want to live without it.

[EMTorres1021]

The same to you. It sounds like our situations are much alike. I've thought that if my ex and I took a lot of time away from each other, there would be hopes to rekindle our love when we're older. I don't know how you feel about that for you. If I may give you my input- be considerate with your ex. Many men care a lot about feeling appreciated, once they feel like you're just keeping them in a pool of other "candidates", it really freezes their hopes on love and creates the "jerks" many complain about.

[Opinion Owner]

I hear that, that's why I haven't seen him in months even though I really want to. He seriously messes with that plan though when I start getting calls. I think it's trickier because neither of us have started dating again, so we're both in limbo or something.

[EMTorres1021]

Yup! My ex will text me every now and again to see how I'm doing. Even our mutual friends set up outtings and places to invite both of us to, so it's tough to completely avoid it. I think at some point, people like us will have a moment where we are with our respective exes and have to really tell them how we feel. That's the only way that any progress (positive or negative) will be made.

[MissAndee]

I keep them around for friendship, just because it didn't work for us doesn't mean we can't be friends.

I keep them around because it's easier than meeting and learning new people. They already know you and what you like and dislike. No need to impress, you can be who you are. It's an understanding. Also, they can be great as " friends with benefits"

[EMTorres1021]

In your opinion, do those friends with benefits ever grow into anything else? For example, if two people who are friends with benefits take a long break, revisit their feelings when they are much older and start anew in a sense? Thanks for the comment.

[MissAndee]

Yes in my opinion they can grow into something else. It may start off as just sex and then you two can realize how much you enjoy each other outside of sex. Or one may not be ready for what the other is and after time you're both on the same page. Sometimes it's just about timing.

[missflirtation]

i would keep my xes just incase I would like to make my date alous or a just incase I haave nobody.if iwere.her but the thought is actuallyselfish, girls consider xes leftovers and don't want anyone to touc them since they feel thatsomeone has been in her priperty or somehing and will keep everything she once owned woman are selfish huh

[ImALuvrNotAFighter]

As Chris Rock said, women like to keep their friends and exes around "because you never know."

[EMTorres1021]

I guess the fact that I made a good enough impression in our times together to be in that "you never know" category is a good thing, but damn, bitches be crazy yo...

[Winku]

I know guys who do it too! but anyway Its because we don't want to feel like we lost a game or something! some girls / guys keep their exes as a spare and as long as you ignore her for sometime ...she will want you more.

Show her that she can't play with your feelings like that, cause she can't talk to you and see other guys, although she knows how you feel about her . she's just being selfish !

that's how I see It

[EMTorres1021]

I agree with the selfish part. Thank you. She is used to getting her way, as most attractive girls do. I just figured that she doesn't know what she wants, and id rather let her figure it out on her own, than with me attached in her life influencing her, because I get hurt that way. It's the moments when she'll text me just to say hi, and I can't bring myself to not respond because I do love her and want her in my life the same.

[gummybear888]

she can be friends with them. I'd rather have friends than to have enemies aka cordial working relationships . I just hate to end things on a bad note but I moved on from the past I have dated other guys. that's just how it is. it takes time to build a relationship with anyone and I don't like losing or making any relationships bad.

[Anonymous]

It's an ego boost to keep someone around that you know likes you.

That being said I keep ex boyfriends around because we have a lot in common, and even when the relationship doesn't work out, we can still be really good friends.

[Anonymous]

Considering the exes that have stuck around are the ones that broke up with me, I think it's safe to say they don't have feelings for me any more (at least they haven't shown any). As others have said, we keep in contact because we have developed a deep friendship, even after splitting up.

[Anonymous]

maybe she's mature enough to realize that guys and girls can be friends and she has no probelms moving on when the relationship is over

[EMTorres1021]

what if the girl knows that the guy still has feelings for her, but she still is willing to put him in situations that she knows he would be uncomfortable in?

[dudeman]

Sure they can be friends but not when they had sex that's just disrespectful to the next guy

[dudeman]

They keep them around as back up which iswhy I stay away from these women they mever truly moved on