So before we begin..
It behooves me to admit that I almost feel bad for this. The more I consider this concept, the more misogynistic I feel. I never considered myself a misogynist, and so I'd be disappointing myself greatly to give the impression that I am one. With that in mind, I believe a small disclaimer is in order..
It is most certainly not my intention to claim that all women are deliberately evil beings who should be cracked down on for the subject matter I am about to discuss. I am simply stating that this is how things are, and suggesting my method for dealing with it.
Now since that's out of the way, let's go out with a Goddamn bang!
Months back I started talking to a girl here, who has since left. Her viewpoints seemed pretty interesting, and so I got in touch with her to exercise my powers of philosophy.
Over the course of our many conversations together, she started to drive me a little crazy. She was a bright young lady, that's for sure. But she also had that blend of bitterness, superiority and ignorance that had me sitting here shaking my head in disbelief time and time again.
So, why did I keep talking to her? Because, despite how she acted, there was logic to be found in her views.
I will now sum up the aforementioned logic:
Guys typically go wrong when they let themselves be held back by what women think.
Seems a bit contradictory, doesn't it? Well, consider this..
Hang on before you click off. I guarantee you, it's not what you think.
So.. this rule, right? While this concept doesn't come up as often as it used to, what it represents continues to form the backbone for a sizable portion of dating conversations on this site.
I can't assume that everyone who reads this will know what I'm talking about, so let me briefly explain:
The 80/20 rule refers to the belief that 80% of women are only truly attracted to the top 20% of men (in terms of looks and status). This also means that the bottom 80% of men are left with the remaining 20% of women.
Now that we're all up to speed, let me make one thing perfectly clear..
This rule is absolute bullocks!
It really is.
Many people will oppose this by arguing that the average woman will likely have far more options than the average man. I'm not going to deny that this is true. However I also think that this subject-matter is grossly overestimated.
I am by no means one of the "top dogs." Yet, I've had quite a few girls who liked me who would be considered beautiful.
Plus in high school, I've had multiple girls be attracted to me. Funny thing considering, according to what these guys suggest, all those girls should have been going for the popular jock types.
All things considered, I do think there is SOME kind of rule that's similar in nature to the 80/20 rule. But I also think there's something to be said for the actual rule being far more flexible than what is commonly presented.
But what does this have to do with anything?
So back to what that girl I was talking about earlier said. It was her claim that us guys severely hold ourselves back because we care too much about the opinions of women.
Well for the longest time, that got my head turning. Eventually I discovered a major aspect of "The Rule" that is often overlooked.
One of the biggest reasons as to why many men hesitate to really step up is because they don't consider themselves "up there" enough for the rights to do so.
You see, it is commonly known (as well as commonly denied) that the top most alluring men have a lot more "elbow room" in terms of what they can do or say. Meaning, a very attractive man can assert himself far more (with far less respect) than an average looking man and still maintain the favor of women.
Popular example: Phantom of the Opera
Some of you will immediately know where I'm going with this, and the rest probably won't have a clue.
If you were ever as deeply intertwined in this fanbase as I was, you would have taken notice of the ludicrous amounts of hatred that is present for the character of Raoul. On top of that, you would have most certainly noticed the widespread infatuation for the character of Erik (the man in the picture).
Quick note: If you really knew this fanbase, you probably want to call me out on the fact that the movie version isn't at all loyal to the original novel's portrayal of the Erik vs Raoul theme. But I am talking strictly about the movie version and it's fans.
But let's apply some logistics to this. Many fangirls of the movie claim that Raoul is this horrible person as if he represents everything wrong with the world using such accusations as..
*He pressed Christine to go out to dinner with him even after she said she'd rather not.
*He used Christine as bait to draw Erik out of hiding.
*He's "creepy" (no context).
*He's "invasive" (again, I've seen no context given on this).
*He likes Christine because he remembers her from when they were younger.
But.. then we review Erik's scorecard..
*He killed many many people (outside the other instances I will mention).
*He sabotaged many performances (which undoubtedly killed several people).
*He manipulated Christine her entire young life, making her think he's literally an angel.
*He attacked Raoul just because he saw him with Christine.
*He threatened to kill many (including Raoul) if Christine didn't marry him.
*There's a theory that when Christine fell asleep in his dwelling/house/place, Erik had sex with her while she was out (debated).
So according to all these girls, Raoul is somehow the spawn of Satan out of the two despite all that? Yea, pretty much.
Erik is a very sexualized character. He is presented as being incredibly visually attractive as well as seductive. This gives him a high amount of desirability with the female audience. But when a character who is not presented with those qualities is set against him, there is a loud cry of "HOW DARE HE" followed with very poorly grounded attempts to demonize and insult.
Yes, you may say that the above example is "just a movie." But if you're going to deny that the same concepts I just discussed don't apply to reality, I encourage you to go out and experience reality for yourself. Then get back to me.
My point is that this attitude, for all terms and purposes, is a very legitimate factor in where a man's self-confidence is. In any kind of social environment where men and women are in the same general vicinity, it's easy to notice how an attractive man doing just about anything is received by women in comparison to a less attractive man doing the exact same things.
This, when combined with how rigid and crushing the 80/20 rule is commonly presented, means that many guys will be heavily dissuaded from putting themselves out there because the common consensus dictates that they will be received very negatively on account of their more average looks and status.
But does it need to be this way?
No, I strongly believe that it doesn't.
Like I said before, this whole majority/minority rule isn't nearly as confining as people on the internet tend to say. It can be extremely flexible in a lot of surprising ways. Thus, the first step towards letting go of unnecessary inhibition is to understand the complete ridiculousness of the belief that only guys who are mountains ahead can get away with having any confidence or claiming any power.
Another important detail to recognize is that, at the end of the day, you're not doing anything wrong. Crazy, right? Society puts a lot of emphasis on strengthening the woman's opinion in what we as guys do. While that is no doubt useful for things like rape and domestic abuse, it also tends to skull-fuck us in such a way that we end up basing whether every move we make is okay or not off of what is obviously highly subjective judgement.
Answer me this. What good is holding any form of criticism to any regard if we know that said criticism would be different for another person who did the exact same, or a much worse, thing?
Complete no-brainer, yeah? Still, many guys walk about their lives, incapable of answering this seemingly easy question.
Situations to consider:
#1. "Creepy Flirting"
Oh lord, am I getting a target on my back for this! But come on now. You people knew this was coming sooner or later.
First of all, I will freely admit that there is as such a thing as a guy being legitimately creepy. I've done it, he's done it, the guy over there's done it, that dude in the back slowly easing over the shoulder of the girl in front of him trying to look down her shirt, he's doing it. You get my point.
But it cannot be denied that the word "creepy" is likely sitting in a corner somewhere, terrified, anxiously awaiting it's next beating. It is an abused word.
Honestly, I've just about given up all hope that this is something that could be fixed. There will always be women who will slap the word on something straight out of left field, and there will always be women who will defend/deny this act.
But the all important question is, why do we let this get to us? Sure, she shamed you for being "creepy" when you know that you weren't, only to go weak in the knees for a guy who hit on her in a far more aggressive way than you did.
But why are you getting so pissed at that? You know you weren't creepy, so stop wasting energy being upset. Just because she said you were creepy, doesn't mean you were.
#2. Fighting back against anything
Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?
Look back to your middle school/high school days. Remember the subtle hierarchy among the males that existed?
Quick question: if one of the more popular guys decided to target someone considered lower on the social ladder than himself and bullied them into submission, how would the surrounding girls respond?
They'd get completely soaked, right? Maybe even come up with an excuse or two so they can justify what happened for themselves?
Another quick question: If the guy who was being targeted ended up knocking the more revered guy down a few, how would the surrounding girls respond?
Accusations of overreaction? Scolding that he caused a "simple misunderstanding" to get out of hand? Claims that he's lying about his side of the story? Exaggerated predictions that he's gonna shoot up the place one day? All of the above, perhaps?
Now come back to present day. Many guys will still notice examples of this alive and well in their lives. Except instead of a football player, perhaps it's a boss of yours or a guy you see often at the pub.
But, just like in the previous example, why hold such critique above your own? You understand that, had the situation been reversed, he would have been considered a hero for knocking you in your place. At the end of the day, you aren't in the wrong for what you did. You just aren't the person they'd rather see doing it.
#3. Sexual persistence/breaking the touch barrier
I can already feel you typing. Just bear with me for a sec.
What if I told you that your physical attractiveness is a big determinant in whether or not a person wants to have sex with you?
If there's a sudden need to clean brain matter off your walls after hearing that question, all I have to say is... well.. I can't really say anything because you're probably dead.
But it really is no secret that flirting with a girl physically and with persistence can be a throw of the dice. If it goes well, then it often goes really really well. If it goes wrong, then it can go so horribly wrong.
The simple fact of the matter is that looks not only determine if it goes well or wrong, but they also determine how well (if it goes well) and how forgiving she'll be (if it goes wrong).
Either way, why would you get so down on yourself if she rejects you angrily? Did you not do the exact same thing that a more attractive guy would have done? She has no reason to treat you like shit for trying, sure. But you also have no reason to believe what she tells you about that.
#3 and 1/2. Following rumors
Lets just say I have personal experience with this and there's a reason why almost nobody I was close to in high school thinks I'm a decent person anymore.
So assume that things actually do go really really well for you. There's intimacy and passion and all that good stuff. It was a good night for both of you. Yet later you hear that she said you "used" her, or "pressured" her.
Far as you remember, she really enjoyed what happened. Not only that, but you know your intentions were clear as day (be it completely no-strings-attached or, hell, maybe you and her were together at the time). But, regardless of what you know to be true, there are people who now think you're some huge manipulator.
So what's your thought process at this point? For starters, girls typically don't do this with very attractive guys because they're less likely to be ashamed for having given into a guy who is considered way above average. If they do feel any shame, they usually keep their mouths shut because they don't want to risk the social backlash. People are gonna try to argue with me there, but it's the truth. So it might feel a bit unfair.
But why are you getting all irritated over it? This girl is indirectly trying to hurt you because she couldn't handle accepting the fact that she gave into you. She simply couldn't admit, even to herself, that she wanted YOU. Instead of letting it get under your skin, see it as a victory. Draw strength from it. She can't handle how you made her feel, and that is just awesome.
#4. Speaking your mind with confidence
Ahh yes.. the truth. Many people will say that there is a fine line between speaking the truth and being an offensive asshole..
.. and many people are right.
But have you ever been blunt about something and got swarmed, where a more attractive guy with higher status could have said the same thing and the surrounding girls would have probably gushed at him speaking his mind? Even if they didn't find it attractive, they would have thought twice before challenging his logic, correct?
Realize that, regardless of how attractive they find you, the truth is still the truth. Regardless of who's mouth it comes out of, be it yours or his, what comes out is still the truth. Take pride in it, defend it with logic, and you're good to go.
For general concluding purposes..
So, why did I bring up all that? After all, I was never really the type to say "just man up and deal with it." True enough, but it all goes back to what I said about the currently followed 80/20 rule.
I said it's bullshit, yeah? The reason why so many guys are afraid they'll be challenged for every little thing they do is because they're convinced of this rigid unspoken system where only the very topmost guys don't get hammered for anything, while all other guys get hammered for everything.
I'm telling you that I don't think that's the case. Sure, attractive guys get harped on less. But they still get harped on more than you think, and you can get away with a lot more than you think.
But what about the girls themselves? Think of it this way: if you know that a girl is going to treat you with bias just because you don't fit what a "top dog" is in her mind, do you even want her? Why put yourself through that crap, when you could instead find a girl who's attracted to you 100% and respects you like you know you should be?
No matter what you do, you'll amass plenty of haters. Many of these haters may be for completely superficial reasons. But remember..