Why does my partner ignore me when I need him the most?

[Anonymous]

Hi.

I've been wondering this a lot as of late because previous partners have done it, but why does my boyfriend ignore me when I'm upset? When I'm down and, let's say not very mentally stable, if it's via text or online, etc, he'll just disappear for hours on end. He knows that I need him but he'll just go offline or not reply for ages, and then eventually replies with no reason as to why the reply is so late. I have a feeling it's because he just can't be bothered to put up with me - which I guess I don't blame him for, but it's still pretty upsetting. Any answers anyone?

Thank you.

[SomeGuy37]

A lot of guys are really bad at dealing with emotions, and confronting them, in themselves, and their partners.
I HATE seeing my girlfriend crying, or upset, and my first instinct is to 'FIX' whatever it was that made her upset!! Unfortunately, for guys, that is usually NOT what she wants and needs!! Women need to talk out their issues, and they just need someone to listen, understand, and be there. Most of the time, going and punching the guy that upset her (guy's response) is the LAST thing she needs!!
It took me a while to figure it out, and understand that just a lot of hugging, and being close, and just listening helps her more than saying what she 'Should have done' which it the MOST WRONG thing possible!!

[Lostsoulman]

Whoops... Punching the guy that has upset her... lol... It's amazing how guys think...

[SomeGuy37]

@Lostsoulman Hey, I call them like I see them! I've had my share of bad responses and 'OOPS, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT' times!!
Sometimes you have to mess up, bad, and find a way to apologize, and build a new trust, learning from mistakes, to make a good relationship with really solid trust, with a woman.
They see through the BS, and they just know!! No sense in pretending. Guys CAN LEARN to be more understanding and caring. It takes some effort, so time, and a desire to because she matters to you!

[Lostsoulman]

I want a solid relationship, but It feels impossible in the 20s... say one wrong thing and the girl never moves on...

[SomeGuy37]

@Lostsoulman I think that it is pretty common, and I think I know why. I wasn't understanding this, at your age, and it comes with experience, and bad experiences, and hopefully not DIVORCES!!
People are too quick to rush into sexual relationships, and don't take the time to figure out if they really like each other!! They FCK A LOT, at first, but then, that thrill dies, and you look at the other, and wonder why you are with them. Then one cheats, and DRAMA, ad Nauseum!!
I learned, long ago, to take the time, and get to know her, and WHO she is, and if I really like HER, as a person, and could want to spend a few decades with her.
Some, definitely not, and so dodging the 'Divorce Bullet' there!!
Some, very much. Take some time, date, don't rush, just get to know each other. Half end up being too different, or we just don't mesh!! There are always more, and who's to say the next one isn't the RIGHT One!!

[HorrorFan]

Probably because he was there for you in a previous situation and instead of being able to bring you up into a better mood, you might have inadvertently dragged him down into your level.

While ideally, everyone should be able to rely on their partner for emotional support, sometimes it's easy to experience a bad situation or twenty with them and then want to actively avoid dealing with that.

It's a bummer, but if he starts associating you with a bunch of negative emotional scenarios, it could put a real strain on the relationship.

[Asker]

So are you saying that I've dragged him down when I've been upset and that's why he avoids it? Literally, all I want is to be held and feel cared for like most people do when they're hurting. Obviously I know you can't do that online, maybe I'm just asking for too much.

[HorrorFan]

Well, I don't know the frequency with which you feel down and need emotional support. For people with empathy that want to help those that are hurting, it can take it's emotional toll.

Plus some people simply only want to be around their partner during the good times and avoid the bad times. I know that comes off as selfish, but that is the concession made to keep relationships on good terms sometimes.

You should communicate more with him specifically about how he feels about situations where you are down and need the support. A good, honest discussion without finger pointing.

[Asker]

I know. I've been in a similar situation myself with an ex and it broke me down a lot, but I pushed that aside because I wanted him to be happy and know I was there. Which was probably a big mistake. Okay, I will try that. Thank you for your advice. :-)

[Anonymous]

You may need more than he knows how to give you. I've been there with friends and family and have mental health issues myself.

It's for a professional to help you fix, not for a partner to magically take away.

[Opinion Owner]

What I mean is, even if he loves you, he just not have the tools to help or even cope with whatever is troubling you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your opinion

[Opinion Owner]

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist or therapist? I wholly recommend it.

[Cmasterson]

It could be just that, perhaps in the past he's been there for you and realized he isn't going to be there for you no longer because he can't.

[Asker]

What do you mean by 'he isn't going to be there for you no longer because he can't.' ?

[Cmasterson]

mentally he sounds like he can't be there for you.

[fulloflife]

Dosent know how to deal with it or just doesn't wanna deal with it

[truthbeknown]

Some guys are not good at comforting at all. Some guys simply cannot be bothered with the effort and time it takes to help. Now, no offence, but sometimes people get upset over stupid things and he may be just not interested in bullshit drama.

[Asker]

I agree with you on the getting upset over stupid shit things and not wanting to help out there. But I'm going through a real rough patch in my life and I'm losing everything I love, other than him. I know that I can be a right handful at times and I guess I don't blame him for sometimes not wanting to deal with my shit but I just want to know that I'm not alone and that he won't leave... He knows how hard today has been and he just read my message and hasn't replied, yet has been coming on and offline for hours? Is my life falling apart just a bullshit drama to him or just too much to handle?

[truthbeknown]

Sorry to hear all that. He may be at his limits with what he can handle. He probably only wants the good times and can't be bothered with the bad ones.

[Asker]

I see... Am I being selfish here by not realising how I could be hurting him like this?

[truthbeknown]

Well, it depends on what is specifically happening there. Years ago, my mom had a really stressful job and she would come home every night and complain and bitch about it over and over. It got to the point we could no longer stand it and would avoid her. She was hurt by this and felt nobody cared, but she didn't realize how overbearing she was with the same bullshit over and over. Not saying your problems are like this, but this may be how he sees it. Every time he talks to you, you are always having a hard time or something is wrong. I don't think you are being selfish at all. He just isn't sensitive enough for you right now. I guess I am respectfully asking you to see if you have been too negative, like too much of a downer or bummer all the time. For sure he should be there too, but if you are too much to handle he will ignore you.

[Asker]

I am sorry to hear that... I try to bottle up as much as I can in fear I will push him away but there are just some things that you cannot hold in and need to talk to someone about. I wouldn't say I 'bitch' or 'moan' about my issues, but as of late I have been 70% sad and 30% happy. I'm not coping with life very well and he is the only thing that makes me feel better and makes me feel like I have a purpose. So maybe I'm just too dependant on him, when he's more of a secluded guy. He used to be very reserved but when he met me he began to open up more. I now see and feel I have put too much pressure on him in regards to me being happy, knowing he is really my only source of happiness right now and it's impossible for him to keep me happy 24/7. I feel pretty stupid and selfish right now. Thank you for helping me see this from a different perspective.

[truthbeknown]

Good luck with everything! I hope things turn around for you!

[Asker]

Thank you, as do I. :-/ :-)

[fuqthegovt]

Most guys don't want to deal with mental issues unless they are psychiatrists and even then not when they are "off the clock". They also don't like epic levels of drama. If you are making it sound worse than it is (ie just need a shoulder to cry on every so often but not a daily ritual where you need to break something to feel better) then he's probably just a jerk. Dump him and find one that is at least less of a jerk.

[meatballs21]

Guys are fixers. We want to do something to make it right. If you're 'mentally unstable' then that's not something he can fix, and his attempts will not go down well with you, either.

If you need help, you might need to consult a professional. A loved one can support you only so far, and they can't substitute for nor be your therapist.

[LifeEqualsLove]

Cus you might be more affectionate or needy than him and because he is not a stand up guy

[Asker]

Yeah, I can see that now I've had multiple comments. Thank you for your input.

[phil2]

They have no empathy skills, you have to school him. Teach him what you want to hear when you are feeling a certain way.

[John_Doesnt]

Because you're boring when you need him the most. And men hate boring women more than any other type.

[Asker]

And how would you know that when you've never met me and know nothing about me?

[John_Doesnt]

I know because you're a woman and you don't need him most for playing video games or sex.

[Asker]

'you don't need him most for playing video games or sex' - What do you mean by this?

[John_Doesnt]

Beavis and Butthead can explain this best:

[Asker]

I've never seen it. Care to elaborate?

[John_Doesnt]

I posted a pic of you that explains everything.

[Asker]

Where?

[John_Doesnt]

it's right here:
s2.quickmeme.com/.../...3532325cf2940c16f3fd14.jpg

[Asker]

Oh. -____-

[Regulatus]

You're a drama queen and he's tired of dealing with your self-absorbed ass.

[Asker]

Cheers.

[chc0009]

How did your partner impress you in the first place?

[Asker]

Because he made me laugh, he was genuine and sweet, we have common interests and I thought he was pretty cool. I liked being around him (as I met him through a mutual friend). Why?

[chc0009]

Because I'm trying to find out how to impress women myself and I have yet to do so.

[Asker]

Oh, ok, well maybe you should make a post asking that? Instead of asking it on a unrelated post? Not everyones answers will be the same as people have different likes and hates, different things they like in a person.

[wolfie12]

Does he ask you what is wrong? Do you attack him even if it's not his falut? Are you mad at whole world?

[Asker]

He'll ask me what's wrong, I'll tell him and then he'll suggest something and then disappear. I don't attack him for me being upset, and I'm not mad at the whole world, just upset with what it's coming to.

[Asker]

Or sometimes he won't suggest any help, he'll just say 'aww baba' then go.

[Scared_Banana]

Because guys don't want to deal with all that emotional shart. I don't think most guys are good at comforting people.

[goodmood]

Maybe you message him incessantly. Maybe you come across as too clingy even when you're not mentally unstable.

[Sabretooth]

he sounds like he just doesn't wanna be bothered with you.

[Asker]

Ok... Thank you for your input.

[Sabretooth]

no problem. wish i could be more optimistic-but he isn't acting like a loving boyfriend should.

[scooogy]

Maybe your problem was too much for him in that moment

[Anonymous]

he's just not good at dealing with these kinds of problems.. hopefully he can change that

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're annoying? What are you upset about?

[Asker]

A lot of things I don't really find appropriate to put on here due to the risk of being called an attention seeker or a drama queen, which even without saying I've already been labelled lol.

[Opinion Owner]

The harsh truth is that if you're constantly upset about trivial things then eventually people will find you annoying. Maybe you actually are a drama queen?

[Alex88F]

he's an asshole

[Asker]

I wouldn't ever call him or class him as an asshole. :/

[Alex88F]

right, she's ghosting you cos you got problems, he's a leech

[Asker]

Oh, ok... Thank you for your opinion.

[Alex88F]

WHOPS, I typed wrong. anyway... he's not cool at all. rude may be the polite way to call him but... he's a bit of an asshole to treat you like this. sorry