Is it cheating if you haven't defined the relationship yet?

[Anonymous]

My first question is did sleeping with T count as cheating even though M and I were not defined? I have no idea if M was still seeing other people between the time that we first started seeing each other and the time that he asked to be exclusive. My second question is, should I tell M that I slept with T before we became officially exclusive? And is it necessary for me to tell M?
I am currently in a steady relationship with an amazing guy who I started seeing the first week of October. Unfortunately, I did something that I am not proud of, and it's been eating at me for months. So my current boyfriend, M, first started seeing each other early in October. A few weeks later I spent the night and we had sex. When I tried to define the relationship M called me his "not girlfriend" and said it was too soon to be exclusive and he didn't want to define us yet.
A week later a guy who I had previously been on 1 date before, T, reached out to me. I hadn't heard from him in weeks before I started seeing M. Long story short I ended up having a one night stand with T the night after Halloween. The following week M decided he wanted to be exclusive and we officially defined our relationship.

[IvyOp]

If you have to ask the question... you kind of already have the answer. There are many ways to justify it, but it's dicey. Did you cheat? Well... If it's been bothering you for several months, then you clearly think you did something you probably shouldn't have. Was it 'cheating' exactly? Maybe, maybe not... what matters is how you feel about what happened, and it seems like it's bothering you, and that's the key. It seems to me that you slept with this other guy because you were hurt that your current guy was essentially rejecting that status you were looking for... and sleeping with 'T' was a way to punish him for his 'not a girlfriend' comment. You don't really need to define anything... it seems like YOU wanted it to be exclusive, even if he wasn't ready yet. You acted in violation of that... so yeah, it's cheating in that regard. He may not have been at the same place as you, but YOU did it when you were ready... and it's been bothering you for several months for a reason. Frankly, I think you need to tell him it happened. He many not care... but if you don't bring it up it will keep eating at you. It' better to get it out of the way now before you both become more emotionally invested.

[redridinghood]

Keep it to yourself :) since everything is smooth sailing now :) don't need to tell plus he never ask not even consider as lying or anything

[Jager66]

Is it cheating? No
Should you tell him? Yes

Living with secrets and shit like this will poison a relationship. If he ever did find out, by accident that would be a much bigger problem.

Be true to yourself, if you regret doing shit like this then just don't do it! Like you were already with a guy and things were going great, what was the point of casual sex with randoms? And if your a "casual sex with multiple people at the same time" kind of person then why would you ever want to hide that from your partner or want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way?

[NJ_Casanova]

It all depends on how you meet... and the number of dates.

Since he said you weren't exclusive your in the clear. For me... If you both meet online looking for a serious relationship... and have been dating for a while (4-5 dates that you've have slept together) then I would say so. I make i know that I Only date exclusively... to me it's a given.

No you shouldn't tell... unless you want the drama.

[Asker]

We'd only been on two actual dates, one of which I spent the night and then we ended up sleeping together. We did meet online and we'd both expressed "long term relationship" yet he still refused to acknowledge me as such for over a month. He referred to me as his "not girlfriend" which both insulted me and made me question why. It made me wonder during that time whether or not he insisted on keeping at arms distance because he too was dating around.

[Bandit74]

Is it cheating?
-Based on the info you provided, I would say no.

Would it hurt and/or cause M to feel betrayed and lose interest in you if he found out?
-Very possibly.

Should you tell him?
-Depends on how much it bothers you and if you think you can keep it a secret. For example, if you think you are going to crack and tell him a few months into the relationship then I think you'd be better off telling him now. This is because once he finds out, he'll either accept it or he'll want to end the relationship and IF this is going to end the relationship, its probably better to find out sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

IMHO, you didnt' do anything wrong.

If the discussions hadn't happened, he might have credibly believed you were exclusive from the point you started seeing each other, or from when you started having sex. But he -explicitly- said you were not exclusive.

So there was no vague misunderstanding. It was clear. You weren't exclusive at that point.

Is it necessary to tell? If he doesn't ask, don't bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Because of what "M" said, then it wasn't cheating since he specifically said he didn't want to define the relationship.
If it wasn't for that, then I would have considered it cheating. Normally, by the third date, I would automatically consider it an exclusive relationship without even needing to discuss it.

[Asker]

I don't usually sleep around so once we had sex (after the second date) that is why I brought up the exclusivity conversation. When he said he didn't want to be exclusive yet, I felt almost obligated to feel the same way so that I didn't put too much thought into whatever it was that we were at that point. That is the only reason why I agreed to go out on a second date with "T" whom I'd been out with before "M" and I started seeing each other. I hadn't intended for things to lead to sleeping together... It was late and I was drunk. Because I've never dated two people at once, I immediately felt a great amount of guilt...

[Opinion Owner]

You probably went out with T because you actually wanted to be exclusive with M and was kind of hurt that he didn't feel that way yet.
You shouldn't feel guilty though, since he did say you aren't exclusive yet. That part is on him, not you.
Drinking alcohol does tend to lead people to do things they later regret. It;s better to avoid that if possible. You don't need alcohol to enjoy yourself.

[tyber1]

I would say no, it isn't cheating, because you asked him if you were exclusive and he made it clear that you weren't. He might still be upset if you tell him though.

[Anonymous]

Nope... you need to determine if you are gonna be exclusive one way or another.

[Anonymous]

since ur relationship wsn't official it is not cheating

[Kachatterjee]

1. No
2. Good idea

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask, yes

[Browneye57]

Too many games. Make up your f'ing mind.

[Anonymous]

No what you did was ok

[nomoreusernames]

Sort of.