Does talking to someone else while you’re not yet in a relationship count as “cheating”?

Question

Back when we were casually “dating”, I was still talking to my ex (I was very open about this to everyone). My current boyfriend, let’s call him S, so S and I weren’t official bc he still needed time to move on from his ex but we would still see each other despite all that. He even met up with his ex twice.

Bcs of that, I didn’t feel the need to stop chatting with my ex, let’s call him K (as friends, nothing more) who is a really good friend of mine. My now boyfriend (S) knew about all this from the very beginning, I even let him read my chats back then. Fast forward a year later, S and I finally made it official. I already stopped talking with my ex K a few months beforehand bcs I knew things were getting serious with S.

As I was scrolling through my phone, S saw the old chats I had with K. He told me he felt cheated, but the thing is he already knew about this before we were official. I know I’m the wrong and his feelings are valid but is what I did really considered as cheating…? I only chatted with my ex purely as friends, I’m also very open with my current boyfriend about it, he was free to ready and all of my text correspondences with my ex, plus my boyfriend and I weren’t in a relationship back then…

So while I know that it was a really shitty thing for me to do, but did it really count as cheating?

grapefruit11 · Accepted Answer

NO, you did not cheat and don’t allow him to make you feel bad for something he was aware of the whole time and something he was also doing. You said he wasn’t even over his ex. You were over yours and you just chatted as friends and once things got serious with this guy, you did the mature thing and stopped contact with your ex. Just because he’s feeling jealous now, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. If I get jealous that the person I love used to love someone else who they don’t even talk to anymore, I know that’s for ME to sort out. I don’t put that on him. You were completely transparent with him and you went above and beyond by cutting off your ex months before this guy was even ready to make things official with you.

BlueScorpio · Accepted Answer

People just need to stay single until they're ready to move on or enter a relationship. It's hard to get to know someone on a deeper level when you're juggling 3 or 5 different people at once, the always looking for greener on the other side type of dating is what making harder for all of you to find someone.

I'm the type person that focuses on one person at a time, if it don't work out then you move onto the next. It gets awkward thinking your connecting with someone only to find out they're talking to someone else. That's why people get pissed off or disappointed when that happens. Sigh.. o well. Maybe I'm just old school dating, not that I dated much, just more so how I view it.

JDAC092299 · Accepted Answer

I mean I think it’s weird either of you were in contact with your ex’s getting over them or being friendly but then again I haven’t had a civil ending yet but nah I don’t even think you’re in the wrong you kept him in the loop and let him know exactly what it was he had ample opportunity to ask you to stop before you were together and didn’t and even if he did he’d be a hypocrite because he went to “See” his ex twice as you mentioned. So yeah I wouldn’t sweat it and although it hurt him I’d see it as a him problem not a you problem as you didn’t hide it. You did everything right in my eyes from the info you provided.

ManOnFire · Accepted Answer

No, it's not cheating. If anything the issue lies with your boyfriend, because he knew back then you were talking to your ex but now complains that he feels cheated. Plus you said he himself was also mingling with his own ex. The problem is more with him than it is with you.

However both of you need to let your exes go entirely if you're now seeing each other. I don't really understand people who stay friends with their exes, all it does is leave a door open for feelings to rekindle, which isn't fair to their current partner.

KBird · Answer

No. I dont think you did anything wrong, and that chatting with your ex as a friend is not cheating. And it wasn't "a really shitty thing to do"! To me cheating is when you do something 'romantic' with someone else, specifically something physical. Im in the same boat as you are, my best friend is my 'ex' (dated very briefly), and my boyfriend knows about him and doesn't seem to care... but maybe he does.

I feel like there are two types of people, those who believe that being friends with exes is possible... and then there are those who think that you should cut them out altogether, despite how things ended.

I think it comes down to trust. If your boyfriend truly trusts you, this might still make him feel uncomfortable... but he shouldn't feel cheated (in my opinion). I think the fact that you were open with him about your ex shows how trustworthy you are.

Maybe talk with him more about this? Like, how does he feel cheated? What changed for him? Because obviously something did...

Or maybe he was never ok with it, but just went along with it.

You weren't in the wrong.

Ria_300 · Answer

Ngl I don't believe that really counts as cheating... Keep in mind no one likes seeing a Convo with their partner and their ex so he might just feel hurt about it... I personally think ex are ex for a reason and if ur talking to someone why talk to ur ex bc keep in mind you guys loved eachother at one point and if I had a partner and saw a Convo with their ex I might feel the need to be cautious or something and honestly if ur still talking to ur ex you are probably not ready for a new relationship sorry to tell you but if he also talked to his ex I think he should really cut it bc if you both were doing it why should it matter now? If it was in the past doesn't mean he can't be hurt about it you should be gentle but also real yk

lilyanony1 · Answer

I don't know if you did anything wrong since you were open and honest about it.
He's read the messages so long as they were friendly and not sexual you're cool.

How do you feel about this? The guy I've been seeing since mid June told me he's slept with 2 others. He thinks it's acceptable because it was in the early days and he's now told me about it!

Do I have a right to be upset since we're still not official, but in the beginning I told him I was looking for love and I'm a 1 man woman, I wanted to get to know him to give us a chance and if it doesn't work out to move on? And he agreed that he'd do the same?

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

To me, simply talking isn't cheating BUT to others it may be. The key to what is considered cheating and not, is in the eye of the beholder.

There is no hard and fast rule of what is or isn't cheating. Often if your SO or unofficial SO is okay with things, then it isn't but we have to consider their feelings and if they may or may not see something we do as cheating.

General rule, if you feel you need to hide it, it is probably cheating.

Sorrento-Sun · Answer

This is one of the reasons I don't keep in contact with an ex. It just complicates future relationships.

I can't see how S can feel betrayed because he still hadn't moved on from his ex when you two weren't official. Plus, you were very open and honest with him during the early stages of dating. And there was nothing between you and K. You were only friends at that stage. So I really dint see k's point

sassy_receptor · Answer

it depends on the boundaries you guys have in place. i kind of went through a situation recently where me and the person i'm talking to had different ideas of what was and wasn't allowed with other people in the talking stage. we sat down and talked about it and now understand each others' boundaries.

LazerBean · Answer

You can't cheat when you aren't in a legitimate relationship to begin with. Casual dating isn't a legitimate relationship. His feelings are invalid, he is in the wrong. The fact that he is guilt tripping you for talking to other men when you weren't even in a relationship with him is a huge red flag.

Summeroflove · Answer

Talking can mean a lot of things. Depends what you’re talking about.

If it is sexual or romantic. It’s cheating. Otherwise it’s not. Sometimes there are gray areas. That really depend on your intentions.

I mean. You can be talking about the weather. A sports game. Your day. Or you could be talking about… other stuff.

Pleaznhim4me · Answer

If you are not yet in a relationship then who are you cheating on? Also what type of conversation are you talking about? “Hi how are you. Isn’t it a nice day?” Or “hey buddy stick your tongue in my butt”. If you were In a relationship only one of those conversations is a problem. So the straight answer is no. If you like someone and they are making and effort. Don’t chance it by flirting with others. See the first person through. It is just a respectful thing to do.

starfoxxy64 · Answer

No matter what a ex- is a ex relationship for a reason. Becuase when they start thinking about how your able to text your ex then your "S" will think about more about his ex possible and oh if your "S" is found named Sean Castle then he is actually completely cheating one you since I am the girlfriend who he has been telling me that they are just female friends? Lol just saying. Not sure why anyone would enjoy any one who cheats and then won't just dump the female he has been telling lies to.

DoctorSex · Answer

This is a great question. Most people have said no, but here's my opinion.

Would you feel comfortable talking about the other person when on a date with one of them? Probably not. You'd keep the other ones name far from your minds and lips. That's because you know instinctively what you're doing it wrong and the subtle but lingering sense of a quiet guilt is always there

So it becomes less about whether you're cheating either party. The sobering reality is that you're cheating yourself. If what you may ask?

Of your own self imagine to yourself. Which is the most destructive pain of all.

Kind regards,

DoctorSex

dustybiker · Answer

“Someone else” isn’t just “someone else” when it’s an ex.

Those are the instances I let relationships/friendships go completely. It’s not fair to your new partner if you are still talking to an old one.

EyeAmNiceGirl · Answer

You didn't cheat. Talking to an ex isn't cheating. For that matter having sex with an ex isn't cheating if you aren't presently in a steady relationship with anyone. It especially isn't cheating if the people you are now casually dating are fully aware that you and the ex are still "talking," whatever that might mean. And even more so if they guy you are casually dating is still "talking" with his ex.

Sounds like your boyfriend has a bad case of jealousy, or maybe regret for not making you his girlfriend sooner. Whatever you might have done (and no matter who it was with) before you two became a couple is just information for the history books, and should have absolutely nothing to do with your current relationship.

Moose304 · Answer

It depends on what you mean by "talking". Be very careful with this. This is how the series of events go that lead to a physical affair. You talk and develop feelings, then these feelings lead to an emotional affair. Then it gets physical. As long as you have both eyes wide open and can break the chain of events it is fine to speak to other people. If you knew how many times I have heard men and women both lament affairs using the words, "I had no idea I would develop feelings".

Rania05 · Answer

No, you don't need to. He was still thinking of his ex back then, while you were talking as pure friends with his ex.
Obviously you has actual rights to get jealous while he doesn't, the audacity he has, sorry for this.

Finchie40 · Answer

If you weren’t official with your boyfriend at the time then no it isn’t cheating especially if he was still talking to his ex , when you both made the agreement to be committed that’s when you both should of cut ties with your exes

PetiteBabe64 · Answer

No even if you cheated I don’t consider that wrong  You have a body and Have the right to feel good and do what feels good Your body your choice.

Jdjfjcjj · Answer

No it's not cheating if you aren't committed and I have to ask, is a woman ever really alone when some new guy comes in the picture? I suspect not.

Bethany22 · Answer

No, just talking is not considered cheating if you're not even in a relationship yet. Or married for that matter

WhitneySnow · Answer

That’s a tough one but I don’t think it counts. You and K were just friends plus S knew about it and he was cool with it at the time.

Does talking to someone else while you’re not yet in a relationship count as “cheating”?

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