My boyfriend broke up with me because I "emotionally cheated" on him?

[Anonymous]

I have a guy friend I've known since I was a kid. He recently got back in touch after he moved back from travelling abroad and it was good to hear from him. Unfortunately, some bad things happened with my boyfriend; his mental well-being declined and he was diagnosed with depression. I don't know what triggered it, but he's had in the past before he met me but he's now so much worse.

I do love him, and I supported him as much as I could despite having my own family issues (my mum has a terminal illness). Anyway, my guy friend knows my mum so understood how difficult it is. So does my boyfriend but he's not all "there" and keeps himself busy with work or isolates himself.
So yeh, I ended up talking more to my friend and started talking about me and my boyfriend. He was really understanding, and we met up for coffee every now and then to see how we're both doing.

My boyfriend saw my phone one night and saw a message from my friend "thanks for the drinks today hun. Don't forget you're amazing. Same again, soon?"

He freaked out. I told him nothing had happened with my friend, but my boyfriend dumped me because I'd emotionally cheated on him. I've not heard of that before, and I don't think I've done anything wrong. He shut me out but I want to get back together with him. I just wish he talked to me when we were together :(

[gomalley411]

Wow, that really sucks. This is what I hate about being friends with a girl who's taken when I'm single: the boyfriend always presumes I'm a threat when he doesn't even know what I'm thinking. I could even be gay for fuck's sake and he wouldn't give a shit. (sorry for language).

This actually happened to me too. Not mentioning names in case someone from my school reads this, but a couple of years ago I met this Russian girl and we became friends, sitting together at lunch with some other friends of ours. Among them was a sophomore (thankfully he graduated this spring) who had an interest in her, who I'll call Mr. Douche ('cause that's what he was). While I DID think she was pretty I had no romantic feelings for her at all, but Mr. Douche didn't get the message. The two started dating over the summer and were bf/gf the next school year. She and I (but not her bf) signed up for a club together after school, which somehow caused him to believe that I was trying to break the couple up (I wasn't). At one of the events, it slipped out that I thought she was pretty, and apparently Mr. Douche thought of that as telling her I liked her. So he forced her to stop the friendship with me against her will (fucking idiot! all while knowing she didn't want to do it, too). Later I found out he was not only cheating on her but -- I won't go into much detail here -- he also wasn't treating her right after we broke off the friendship. He broke up with her over the summer saying he just didn't like her anymore, and immediately started asking out like 5 other girls.

That's the type of boyfriend you're dealing with here. Although it may seem like you want to get back with him, he secretly wanted you to cease contact with your friend just so he could have you all to himself. I wouldn't even bother trying to get back together with him, as you'll likely just be hurt more by his actions.

[Anonymous]

Looks like most of the guys just don't get it. That was emotional cheating, and often the beginning of something more. This guy was wise to nip it in the bud.

Reverse the situation Miss Anonymous. How would you feel if your boyfriend was going for coffees with a girl from his past, discussing things about the relationship with her, and in contact via text.

You think you've done nothing wrong, because you aren't looking at it truly from his point of view. All of those emotions weren't meant for that other guy and you know it. But this is what most women do, when things aren't going too well, they start spending more time with their backup plan. The guy is smart...

[cipher42]

First of all, if that same message came from a girl I doubt it would be taken as flirting, so why is it "emotional cheating" when it's a guy? Second, it was the guy that sent the message anyways, not the girl. Even if he was flirting with her, that's on his end and not on hers, so why should the girl take fault if a guy flirts with her?

[Opinion Owner]

@cipher42 Like I said, you simply aren't able to see it from his point of view. Until you are able to do so, no progress or changes can be made and you will remain on the defensive.

[cipher42]

Sooo you don't actually have an argument other than "it is this way because I say it is"?

[Wonderer89]

If you're sharing intimate details of your life with someone who isn't your partner and relying on them for emotional support and strength instead of your boyfriend, then yeah... it's emotional infidelity.
However; you're going through a tough time too. If your boyfriend wasn't in a position to support you (and I'm assuming that you tried him first) then you shouldn't have to do it alone and it's understandable to open up to a friend. I don't mean blame or gaslight him, but just to put it in perspective of what you currently need and be open about that before meeting with others. Could this have been prevented if you'd mentioned it to him previously?
"Hey babe, having a rough day so xxxx is going to catch up for a coffee and a chat"?
My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness a few months ago and it's been hard. My husband has been an endless source of support and strength, but if he wasn't in a position to be I would have discussed my needs before meeting with others

[Anonymous]

Agree with Wonderer89,

You going out with a friend is not an issue. I do believe the line is crossed the he calls you amazing and hun that your boyfriend doesn't know about.

If you are with your boyfriend. he is the first to inform who you are going out with and should be part of your life to know your childhood friend.

Not including him, can create even more stress and insecurity in him.

[XYZTRE]

very good detailed explanation

[NatashaJ]

He sounds emotionally abusive meaning if you two never agree that you can't hang out with the opposite sex he has no right to accuse you of this or tell you who and how you should hang out. He insecure and you better off without an insecure guy trust me they just ruin dating for you because insecure guys suck.

[Sand242]

Emotional cheating is a real thing, but given what you shared, this was not a case of that.

It's likely that your boyfriend's reaction to your relationship with your friend stems from depression issues. One of the biggest companions to depression are feelings of insecurity, and that can cause a depressed person to blow things out of proportion.

Because he's so isolated, it's hard to say why he would have an overreaction to this text. If I were to guess, he might be feeling insecure with himself, and when you feel like your self worth isn't that great, you start to question your relationships and wonder why someone would want to be in a relationship with you.

So he might already be mentally primed that you are going to dump him someday. He might be thinking that he can't compete with other men, and that once you find someone "better" than him, you are going to leave.

It could be that, or just trust issues is my guess. If it's possible to communicate with him, I would ask him to explore why he thinks you would cheat on him, and really search for his emotions that are the root of his reaction. Keep asking about his feelings and you might get to the root of the problem.

Dealing with a depressed partner is difficult. It's their own battle to fight. What you can do in response to it, is create an open and accepting space where he can share his emotions. If he wants to enter that safe space you create for him, then awesome. If he isn't ready for that, then you would just have to let him know that you are always open to listen to him when the time is right.

Good luck to you.

[SaintRichie23]

The guy's a wuss. Way I see it, you get along with this guy friend of yours. I'd give him a shot.

I never heard the term "emotionally cheated," and sounds like some BS term made up to put blame on you rather than the guy admitting to being jealous or paranoid.

I don't have much sympathy for people with mental issues that start dragging other people down with them. My uncle had gambling and depression issues, and it cost us some money when the mob came knocking for him. He realized the weight he was putting on others and snapped the fuck out of it - no prescription needed.

[Jaleel]

In your situation that's not emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is where you're confiding in someone on a deeper level than your relationship. The break up happened as a result of depression. Depression can cause a lot of insecurities. If anything to get back together you need to sit down with him in person and talk about what happened. Also, show concernment to his situation. Rather than letting him figure it out himself try to help him identify why the depression started and address it. Take it day by day.

[tyber1]

Your boyfriend has a right to be upset in my opinion. Your friend seems a bit too 'friendly'. I can't read his mind but based on what he wrote it seems as though he is interested.

You need to remind your friend that there are boundaries he shouldn't be crossing, as an adult he should know better than to send a text like that to someone with a boyfriend, and then once you tell your friend to give you space you should talk to your ex.

For what it is worth, I don't think you did anything wrong but your friend definitely did. Tell your boyfriend that you understand why he is upset and you told your friend to back off. You didn't do anything wrong but your friend crossed the line and you've already dealt with it.

[Justinaveragedude]

He is depressed and not being rational. You can have an emotional affair, but all you did was get coffee with a friend. If you shut out your boyfriend and only opened up emotionally to your friend, I would say you crossed a line. But you were still trying to be supportive and understanding with him. He is in a bad place. I fortunately it will get worse before it gets better. Do you want to fight to get back someone who is going to push you away? Ask to talk to him, but do not fight him on this. You will not be able to win.

[MarkGerrits]

this guy saved me a lot of typing ^^

[JohnDoe3000]

I'm split: on the one hand nothing happened and your boyfriend is dramatizing because of his depression, on the other hand it's clear your old friend was trying something ("hun") and you didn't shut him down, I'm sure you wouldn't have liked it if your boyfriend had done the same with another girl.

[Anonymous]

I would have done the same. You are sharing feelings with another guy, spending time with him alone, and he is calling you hun. And you spent more time with him than with your boyfriend.
Sounds like emotional cheating to me.

Most likely your only chance to make amends with your boyfriend is to agree to not be around that friend anymore.

[naraku]

So your boyfriend thinks you have an emotional attachment to this other guy. Some people think emotional attachments is worse than physical cheating bc you will always think of that person.

Your boyfriend does not help himself by isolating himself though

[Anonymous]

You didn't do anything wrong by meeting up with your friend, but you should have told your boyfriend about it when it happened. If it's really completely platonic, then you had nothing to hide. Your boyfriend overreacted, but I understand him completely. What you need to understand is that people with depression are much more sensitive and insecure and emotionally vulnerable. What you did probably really hurt him and broke his trust in you.

[kayfeb]

technically if you're in a relationship you should feel that you're able to tell them everything and anything, even if it's about that person. I know my misses likes to tell me whats on her mind can be anything or if she's annoyed or sad especially when it's me that did something.
trust is everything in a relationship. if you dont emotionally connect there's a problem. in my opinion

[WolfieRoze]

But you also dont have to constantly tell them every detail of your life. It sounds more like she wasn't trying to hide it, but it just never occured to her to tell him.

[kayfeb]

I know but in my opinion the first person that would come to mind I'd wanna talk to would be the person I'm with, or is that just me?

[madhatters4]

this doesn't sound like emotional cheating. unless there was romantic interest here. it sounds like you just had a friend who happened to be male and that is an issue for your boyfriend

[Malikai96]

You're better off without someone who trusts you so little that they freak out over something as trivial as coffee with a friend.

[Asker]

I can see your point but I love my boyfriend, and I hate that I've hurt him :( he's not made it easy for me though

[Malikai96]

I understand, have had a similar ex in the past who was very difficult also. It feels better to not walk on eggshells if you can help it though. Best of luck~

[ccal28]

you didn't even emotionally cheat, you had coffee with a friend you've known forever he's overreacting, I think the fact the guy called you hun and you didn't tell him you went to see him made him act out

[XYZTRE]

i think that guy was using her weakness. what is that hun and same again and you are amazing. for me it sounds like a words of someone who wants to lay someone in bed.

[NajemEddine]

put yourself in your boyfriend shoe u would see that this so called old friend is simlpy seeing uas more than just friends and u liked his attention

[themiddlechild]

Emotionally cheating, yes. Most men that I know would agree. We tend to only emotionally invest into 2 women our whole lives (mother, SO) It's not okay for our SO to invest into another man. (Emotional = physical IMO)

[CheckPlease]

Well you know what crap your getting into so go for the guy who broke up with you over a guy freind.

[Anonymous]

you know, your boyfriend is at fault but that so called friend of your seems suspicious. talk to your boyfriend, also show this conversation to him so he understands, show everyones comments here and let him know.

[DizzyAster]

Your boyfriend has depression, i. e he's not well. Mentally unwell people do stuff like this. It's the depression talking.
Does he take meds, cuz if not, he's NOT going to get better soon.

[Darknut123]

Lose the boyfriend of you're close friends with the kid from while back. Those type friendships don't often last

[Midget_Hug]

Actually that's legitimate. Bravo to him!