I can't develop feelings for anyone and I don't know what to do?

Question

After my feelings got hurt a year ago, I can't develop feelings for anyone anymore. I really try to do otherwise, but it just doesn't work. Since then I met a guy and he was so adorable and he really liked me but I had to "break up" (without hurting his feelings because he also didn't develop feelings for me) with him because I wasn't able to feel something for him, thankfully he understood and we stayed friends. Now I've met a guy who wants to be around me on a daily basis and always tries to come near me, but I just can't handle that, I need physical distance, but he can't understand that and I don't want to be rude. Tbh it somehow really pisses me off. He's always asking "Why are you like that?" And the only response I can ever give is "Because that's the arsehole I became." He already knows the story why I'm the person I am now, but he thinks he's different and that I shouldn't be this way around him. What should I do?

GeorgeDubyaKUSH · Accepted Answer

I know exactly what you mean. I'm a sensitive guy, and the very first girl I ever seriously dated when I was 17, I fell in love with completely, and I mean completely - with all my heart and soul. I fully exposed myself emotionally and abandoned all my guard and defenses. She ended up cheating, leaving me for the guy she cheated on me with, and tore my heart out, shattered it into a million pieces, and stepped on the pieces.

I fell into a deep, dark depression. I tried to commit suicide more than once. I dropped out of school, and didn't get out of bed for around a month. Ironically it was another girl that saved me- one day when I was planning on attempting suicide that night, she called me out of the blue and we started a conversation. She claimed to be a 14 year old girl that went to my school, I had no idea who she was, I had never met her before, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it was someone from school pranking me, but I decided to talk to her, and we talked for hours - for some strange reason I even flirted with her. She called again the next day, we again talked for hours into the night, and that night we had phone sex. I was the one to call her the next day, she was touched I didn't "pump and dump" her but rather came back to her, we talked for hours again and had phone sex, again. We talked every day for the next few days, having phone sex every night, and within a week's time we became boyfriend and girlfriend, even though we had never met. Our relationship continued for four and a half years, whereby we had phone sex every single night during those four and a half years, until one day she finally revealed she was actually in her late twenties, and a single mom of 4 children, and the name I knew her by - Brandy - was a fake name. She was in her late twenties, she committed statutory rape when she seduced me, and she lied about her entire identity for four and a half years. I immediately hung up the phone and never called her again. By this time i was no longer suicidal - "Brandy" had made me happy enough to where I didn't want to die anymore - but i felt so used, so manipulated, and so angry. But mostly, I just felt sad. That relationship ended over a decade and a half ago, but I still feel the effects from my two first serious relationships. Now I can't fully trust, or fully open my heart, completely surrender, and dive headfirst into a relationship anymore. I can still love, i just can't do it without being guarded anymore. That's life.

EpicDweeb · Accepted Answer

If you do or don't like a guy... don't TRY to get attached. That's just asking to get hurt if you end up succeeding. Getting attached too quickly doesn't generally end well because once the hormone high wears off you tend to find you're not so compatible and then the relationship often falls apart...

That being said, don't try to force anything in terms of emotion or attachment. If you do find one day that you're able to become attached again that's great, but until then my best advice is be willing to let people love you, and make it clear to them what they're getting themselves in to. For the guy who thinks he's different and therefore you shouldn't treat him the same make it clear that it doesn't matter who it is, the issue your ability to trust and be attached, rather than some problem with him. It's not a matter of "when it's the right person I'll be able to open up to them." Maybe it's something you'll get past one day. If it's not, so be it. I would bet you have friends nearby who care for you whether it's returned or not, which is awesome. They may be few and far between, but there will be those few people who simply love you for you without expecting or needing anything in return. You don't have to love them for it, but perhaps you will one day, and if so, I'll be very happy for you and them :)

BrittBratt2416 · Accepted Answer

You have a wall up now and you're afraid of getting hurt again. I understand but the longer you keep it up its going to be impossible for you to find someone who really cares about you. You'll end up missing out on a guy who will really love you and and support you in anything plus you are young, don't let that one person hold you back from loving other people cause all you're doing is giving that person power over you life. They've moved on and probably don't even remember or care about what happened a year ago anymore and so should you. As for the guy, you could either give him a chance or if your truly not interested in him just say you don't want to go anything with him but don't mind being friends. But for guys in the future that you will like, don't constantly push them away out of fear.

MikkiM · Accepted Answer

Me either, I've given my whole heart in my last relationship, and im broken to pieces

Now feelings isn't the thing for me anymore. . . all i can say, this feeling isn't lasting for long, im working my way down to find myself whole again

And with the right person and right timing

I know its much worth it, as i value love not less like before i am

Take time to heal and complete yourself again,

If u dont do it, your life is pretty mess and no value for love right now

Carley99 · Accepted Answer

I'm going through the same thing I'm a really empathic person but when it comes to men and relationship it's as if there is something wrong with me there only one guy I have ever had real feelings for and he's not with me anymore I get frustrated sometimes. Some men annoy ( except for my male friends) me and the stupid questions they ask gosh but at the same time I want them but I never knew that someone else felt the same way I did

coachTanthony · Answer

I think you are in love with "the person you became" .. because its so charming and badass.. you don't want to give it up for this nice guy.. or any other guy who takes an interest in you. Sometimes shit happens to us that makes us into something stronger.. but don't confuse that with you are now this charming BAD HARD ASS... in the end you will never be happy.

ohshee · Answer

for me I believe one of our six senses is our skin... a lot of times we say that we feel a certain way about people and for some reason we assume that we're talking about we're feeling with our heart are our brain I think we also feel with our skin it's aura it's a beautiful feeling try walking up to somebody who you don't like to be around and try walking into somebody that you love being around without saying any words what so ever... this is going to be hard to do but with the person you don't like put your forearm a half inch away from their forearm and what do you feel how did the same thing with the person that you do like and I guarantee you that feeling is one of the most Pleasant beautiful feeling to ever feel so what I'm saying is her skin tells us first before anything else if a person is good or bad and maybe without understanding it you know down deep that the person that is trying to hang out with you is just not a good person and not right for you

InfoBot · Answer

You should accept that your mind and body often know what they need at a given time and at this particular time they need for your emotions to be protected. People often think of these kind of emotional shifts as unnatural whereas in fact they are entirely natural. It is entirely normal for people to go from sad to angry to sad to cold after being hurt. It rarely ever lasts in the long term, it's just about self preservation. Once you get to achieve some emotional peace so that you can learn some ways in which to better manage future relationships you tend to come back to life but as a stronger person.

kyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyle · Answer

When you say that you really try to do otherwise but it just doesn't work, what do you mean? Could you expound on that a little bit?

Your story about meeting an adorable guy but breaking up with him because neither of you developed feelings for one another doesn't really help figure out what's going on.

It wouldn't make any sense for someone like you, who has been recently hurt, to develop feelings for someone who had no feelings for you.

And again, if you meet another guy who is clingy and that's just not your type, it also makes no sense for you to develop feelings when you're not interested.

So maybe there's nothing at all wrong with you, and you're being perfectly normal by not developing feelings for people that you wouldn't develop feelings for even if you hadn't been hurt.

Catskills · Answer

You are in the journey of life, sure you will get hurt if someone breaks your heart, but at least you weren't married to the guy.

When you are around guys, you don't have to put up a fence, you'll know if there is mental attraction soon enough, it might work out or it might not.

You might break his heart or he might break yours,, that is part to the journey.

Maybe you aren't ready to date this particular guy, if you don't feel the chemistry,, if you do, then tear the fence down, if not leave the fence up.

thatguyfromtoronto · Answer

Look, we all have gone through heartache. I probably got my heart broken more than 10 times but till this very day, I don't assume all girls are the same. Everyone deserves a chance. I'm not sure what else to say besides, don't lead any of these guys. I'm not saying you are but if you do then that won't go smoothly either.

You have to start trusting guys again and if you're 18, it may take more time. I know girls in their 20s who struggle with this issue about the past of being scorned by a guy they dated, but I cut those girls out of my life because I am not waiting around for them to change. Please don't categorize all guys like the previous guy you were with.

All the best!

Roadcruiser1 · Answer

Well you should tell him that you do not feel ready for a relationship. Tell him that until you do he should stop hitting on you.

In any case though I think that you are letting this break up do too much on you. I have been through rough break ups before. I thought I could never love someone again. However it is not the case. You should let your ex go. If removing him from social media helps then do it.

You would miss out on a lot of good people along with good things if you let your ex dominate your life.

Good luck though.

Margillard · Answer

Start with loving yourself first, it may take years of solitude and soul searching. Once you love, understand and can live with your own thoughts and feelings, only then is when you can love, understand and live with other peoples thoughts and feelings.

Robertinho · Answer

Your past defeat haunts you... and you have not moved on from that at all. At the same time it has only been a year... and from the looks of it you still need much more time to recover from the grief that you have. You are still very young, and in life... you live and learn from it all.

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

If you think it's affecting your dating life, there's no shame in going to a counsellor to talk about why you are afraid to open up emotionally. A professional can help you overcome your fear and start living again.

Alan180188 · Answer

me too, but in my case i had my heart broken after giving up everything for "love", so now I can't fall in love again no matter how good the girl is !
maybe for you is the same, or cause your young and beautiful and searching for an equal or someone who deserves you...
in my opinion it's not important at this age, you have a lot of life ahead of you and many adventures, so enjoy your life while you can, love comes by it self you can force it or search for it...

RAINSKY · Answer

I am sorry to say that he might not be the 'right' guy you are looking for or at least at this current stage in your life. It may be due to the fact that you have not fully recover from the hurt to love or rely on another guy. Perhaps you need time to be by yourself, love yourself, to heal properly. I believe that by doing so will you be able to truly accept and love wholeheartedly the next guy who steps into your life.

Richierich8787 · Answer

Can't you meet halfway and take it slowly? everyday seems a little intense. You can't magically change your feelings , but over time no doubt you'll get those feelings again with someone. There's no rush or need to beat yourself up over it :-).

Lover_not_a_fighter · Answer

I think your not putting effort into potential realtionships. You might be talking but your not really opening up and letting your gaurds down at all. I believe that your capable of feeling some type of way, but you confuse others when ur hestient to open up which makes them reluctant to trust you and probably think ur not interested in them. but the truth is ur scared to get hurt so you don't try so you won't feel the pain. that's just my opinion

TheSpartan · Answer

That's incredibly normal, at least for me. It generally takes me several years before I'm able to have feelings for a woman after having my heart broken. My advice is to not be afraid of falling in-love, to relax, let things come naturally, and always be optimistic.

Good luck.

Bonnie12I27I12 · Answer

this has happened to me before. for me it just meant that I was still hurt. dont worry about it too much because it WILL pass and someone will come along. just give it time and love yourself instead of someone else while you fully heal

HOAAH · Answer

Maybe you are protecting yourself and it's easier to not trust and get hurt than the fear of possible trust and get hurt, because the pain is just too much

AshrafWest · Answer

Where are you from? Where I am from there is a saying "fall seven times , stand up eight" and another one "it's better to have a love lost than to have never lived in the first place "

Nicgafpb · Answer

Someone hurt your feelings a year ago? And you're 18? Just move on.

steveguitar · Answer

You're probably trying too hard. Don't force it, give it a try and if it doesn't work, the relationship wasn't for you

I can't develop feelings for anyone and I don't know what to do?

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