Would you date someone until you find someone better?

Question

Dating a guy who I used to be friends with until I find someone better. I'm going away this April for a few months abroad and he knows this. But kind of feel like I'm just using him for the time being.

We fancy each other and as awful as it sounds. But is it that bad? Feel a bit guilty. He thinks I'm the one. But I want to spend my early 20s finding out the type of guy that I'm into and don't expect any relationships in my early 20s to end up in marriage. He's a nice guy but going to break up with him before I go away. What you date someone until you find someone better matched to you?

ErnestSamuels · Accepted Answer

Dating this guy until you find someone better?
And do you have a clue of what "better" looks like? How many dicks you planning to suck until your find MR. RIGHT, sweetheart? How far up the ladder you wanna climb, eh? Hey, maybe if you screw over a few dozen guys in your twenties, constantly looking for someone "better", you'll end up as the Queen of FUCK MOUNTAIN! 😆
Sorry to spoil it for you, but there is no MR RIGHT. As humans, we're all deeply flawed. Perhaps, instead of fucking your way through the jungle, searching for fuck knows what, hoping to find out what kind a guys you like, maybe spend more time on becoming less judgmental and more compassionate towards people who put their trust in you. Be honest with yourself and with other people. Always.
One more point. You already know what guys you like. You just wanna screw away your most fertile years. Don't believe me? I can save you the trouble of having to bang a bunch of dudes to gain some kind of revelation by just telling you what you like. Chances are you're not special and you like pretty much the same shit that other women like: a genuine man, quite well off, making more money than you, physically healthy, taller, squared jaw line, slight stubble, deeper voice, about 4 years older than you, average size penis, a good social circle. Emotionally he's not too soft, but not too cold, someone capable of displaying manly aggression and gentle tenderness when necessary. He is compassionate, dominant, confident, and a bobcat in the sack! And he's no pushover. He doesn't allow you to do whatever you WANT to do. He is steering the relationship, and you trust his judgement. He will argue with you to make his point clear so you understand. He will set boundaries and you will test them to see if this guys for real or if he's a bitch.
That's basically the man you want. Biologically, 99% of females are hardwired to seek these traits in men.
You're welcome. But I doubt you care. You wanna jump on the cock carousel anyways. Well, go ahead. Sexist fucks like me are already on it.

skytatoe · Accepted Answer

You don't feel like you're using him. You ARE using him.
No I wouldn't date anyone as a placeholder. I would date someone because I want to date them.

Unless you're very explicit with them that they're a placeholder for you and they are ok with it, I think thats a pretty shitty thing to do.

We all make mistakes OP, don't be hard on yourself, but you know its wrong cause you feel guilty. So cut it out for your own sake, or you will be at risk of developing a shitty self image.

inlovewiththesun · Accepted Answer

guess what, I asked myself the exact question only today and was trying to overthink my view on dating I had. The past time, I thought like "na you can have friends with benefits, you can just make out with people or you can see what you get and feel like." But recently, many of my friends started "dating" someone new they barely knew, right after breaking up with their past boyfriend. When I say right after, I mean it.

So I was thinking like, is this what you´d want? A boyfriend, just to have a boyfriend? just to fill a hole? Just to not feel alone? To feel valued?
is that even necessary in my life? Why is it not enough for most people to get their emotional satisfaction and being in balance with yourself out of yourself, why do they all need another person to feel better (I don´t exclude myself).

But you know what I´m currently far away of having a thing with anyone, and even further away from dating someone. I don´t wanna just date someone. I was rethinking my values and views, and came to the conclusion that I:
1) don´t even have time for dating right now lol. I go to school, I´ll accept a small job soon, I have homework, studying to do, meeting friends AND having driving lessons. There´s even barely time for myself, so how can I even make time for someone else?
2) I don´t wanna start dating unless I love that person.

I dated before, without loving them. It was more like a tryout. I had a thing with people and kissed around. But now, I don´t want that bullshit anymore. Love or leave, that´s my new motto. And as long as I don´t feel the butterflies, I´ll concentrate on something more important, like all the other crap I listed and have to do in my life. One day, Mr. Right will come. But I don´t wanna waste my time waiting for him and feeling unwanted and bad.

Elliegirl · Accepted Answer

I wouldn’t do that. It’s going to hurt him. I don’t really see a point in placeholder boyfriends either. You may be missing opportunities because there may be a guy who really likes you and you two would be great together but he won’t ask you out or make a move because he thinks you’ve got a real boyfriend instead of a guy you would leave if you meet someone better. Keeping a guy around until something better comes along is kinda like he’s just your rubbing post with a pulse. its a red flag to lots of guys if you leave another guy to be with them too. They think if you left one guy to be with him, what’s stopping you from doing the same think to him, and justifiably so. Just food for thought. Ultimately you have to decide this for yourself and accept the results of your choice.

Samathoo · Accepted Answer

Everyone has flings. He knows your going away so he shouldn’t expect the relationship to continue super long. When you’re young you’re suppose to date other people and figure out what you want. I feel like everyone’s so serious. Ignore everyone that says it’s horrible and that you’re gonna hurt him. He knows what’s up, so if he gets hurt it’s on him. He will get over it anyways. Have fun!

XRabbitHeartX · Accepted Answer

No... that makes no sense. The person you date and are with should be the person who is the best for you and who you want. If you are already aware in your heart there is somone supposedly better out there in a relationship then you are just a really crappy person for leading someone on.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Yes, dating someone who you know wants a serious relationship with you although you don't want a serious relationship with them is wrong. You are taking advantage of his affections to provide entertainment for yourself in the interim and, the longer you date him, the harder the breakup will be for him.

I understand that this satisfied your needs but relationships are not about me, me, me. Relationships are about us, about making the other person's feelings and their needs as important as your own feelings and needs. That means that if you continue this relationship any longer, you are proceeding with a callous disregard for his feelings. The best thing you can do for him is to break up now.

You already know this, don't you? Doing it is the difficult part and I would not want to be in your position. However, if you do the right thing now, you will have a reason to be proud of yourself and it will be one of many steps that prepare you for eventually being a good partner in a long term relationship.

ChronicThinker · Answer

Nah, I'm not a piece of shit willing to fuck with someone like that. I tend to only settle for what I find ideal, otherwise, I fly solo, focus on my life, my goals.

AudreyB88 · Answer

Yes, if it's just 'dating' and not an exclusive relationship. I wouldn't want to be with the person for more than 3 dates though and I would discuss how I actually feel about them. I would need to be partially interested in this person as least.

Logorithim · Answer

I've never done this, and can't imagine doing it. That's just wrong.

Pinay_ako · Answer

Nah man I will not drag some innocent person to fill the void in my life. That's cruel

nightdrot · Answer

There is something primal in what you are doing. In nature, our female ancestors were looking for the mate who could best provide healthy sperm, ward off rival males and predators and find food.

So, at least at that level you can justify your actions.

Some justification. Supposedly, humans are the only creatures on the planet who transcend their instinctual natures. Raise a baby wolf to be the best wolf it can be - it will still be a wolf. Raise a baby to be the best baby it can be, and it may write sonnets or cure cancer.

Congratulations, you've managed to rise to the level of a wolf.

You may wish to consider that you are playing with another human beings feelings. You may wish to consider how you would feel if - when you find that better guy - he did the same to you.

If this guy is not the guy for you, then have the basic decency to tell him. It'll hurt him, but it will also allow him to move on and find someone who cares about him for him. Not just see him as a stepping stone to the next better offer.

liTeWave · Answer

You are seriously using this person. How would you like to be seriously and repeatedly used sexually and emotionally by a guy you are in love with, and then discarded? Jesus, it would be seriously traumatising. That is a truly horrible thing to do to someone. You are going to hurt this person really, but really badly.

He is literally having sex with you not on the basis of free, informed consent but on the basis of deception. That's basically rape, you are obtaining his consent under utterly false pretences. And you're not just fooling him into sex, but also into developing an emotional connection you intend to shatter. Wow.

And the worst thing is, it's absolutely fine to date someone until you find someone better. It's called having fuck buddy. But then you have to be utterly clear with the other person that that's what you want, and you need their free, informed consent to that kind of relationship (and there are lots of people who will be happy to have that with you). There really is no reason why you should be doing this to someone. You could easily acheive the same thing you're doing now by being honest, and without hurting anyone.

Jesus, these questions make me lose faith in humanity.

Laurens_ · Answer

You should date somebody because you love them and see a future with them. At our age getting to know what you really need in a person and a relationship also comes with that. The person might turn out to be not what you need and you learn from it and move on, until you find that one that meets your needs you learnt by all the previous experience and settle with that. The way you think only focuses on striving for the best, but that is the wrong focus. I hope it's clear what your focus should be now. Remember that how much experience you have, how much you know what you need in a relationship... Nobody is perfect, you might think somebody else might be even better. The hard truth is, he might be better in some aspects and then you'll realise he lacks in some things your previous partner had. After a while, you are 'experienced' enough and know well enough what you need. Then you'll settle and with what I said, that person you decide to settle with is the best. Striving for better won't get you far then.

Imafreespirit · Answer

What you’re doing is so wrong... and no, i would never do something like that. Dating just coz is absolutely ridiculous in my eyes. Are you that unhappy with being single? If I date someone is because I truly like the person and I’m willing to risk it and see where it goes... otherwise, I’m fine with being single coz I’m happy with my life, I don’t need from anyone to make it better. Dating someone is a nice addition, not a need so I’d never date someone just for the sake of it. It’s so unfair. You’re using the person, i honestly don’t understand why you think that doing that is okay. Playing with peoples emotions is not a nice move

davidrslopes · Answer

Look, I don't care about you and I think you are wrong and being unfair to that poor guy.. the truth is, he doesn't deserve you and you deserve worse.

So I already know what is going to happen to you: Karma.

You are going to breakup with this good guy and break his heart, you will meet a giant fucking asshole fall in love and at first you think this is right and he is going to fuck you up so bad and be such an asshole with you that you will be in that relationship and think of this good guy all the time.

Eventually things are going to end and you will try to get this good guy again and he is going to say, too late, you should thought of that when you dumped me for an asshole, now I'm an asshole too.

You created an asshole from a good guy. Great job.

Jmcmanning · Answer

I have dated guys but I always told them upfront I don't want a relationship so please don't expect one. He is being mislead if you have not disclosed this information to him. Whether you are just dating or in a relationship, communication is important so everyone knows where they stand. If you know you have no romantic interest in this person, then why continue to date? Personally, that doesn't make any sense to me. Not only are you ruining your chance of meeting someone else, but you are ruining his chances for meeting a female who will apprciate him and want to be with him.

Amylia · Answer

If it would be just casual sex/friends with benefits then that's fine. Any relationship.
But if I would see that he is into me and I am not, then I would break it off as fast as possible. It actually happened to me. And I had to stop this before he will be into me too much. Because the longer we would have something together, the more he would think about me and get more in love... And I didn't feel it at all. And I find it totally unfair.
Just put yourself from the other side.
Imagine you find the one, the guy from your dream that you really love and you are crazy about him. And then bam he says he actually just wanted you for a while but he was going to break up with you from very beginning.

SomeStrangeGirl · Answer

I would never want to date a guy I don't see a future with. That's not only leading him on but its super cruel to make him fall in love with you and you holding him at the heartstrings just to think he isn`t good enough for you. Girl if you feel like he isn't good enough why date him? Like you are just wasting both yours and his time. I'm not gonna lecture or fuss to you about this but you should understand how this is not only bad for him but also bad for you. If you are with this poor guy and the guy you really would want sees or knows you are with him you can kiss your dream man goodbye because he probably wouldn't make a move towards a taken girl.

loveslongnails · Answer

Let me understand this... the guy has told you he thinks you're the "one", as in he'd marry you in the future. He knows you're going away, but he doesn't know you don't feel like he's the one, or even close, and you'd dump him in a heartbeat if you met someone you liked better, right? If that is correct, what would you think if the situation were reversed, and you go dumped before he went away? You'd think the guy was an asshole, and you'd be right. So... yes, you're being an asshole. You feel guilty because... wait for it... you're being an asshole. It would be different if he KNEW his love for you was in vain but accepted that just so he could spend whatever time you graced with around you. But he doesn't. Put your big girl panties and go tell him right NOW, and stop "acting" like an asshole, because you're probably a pretty thoughtful person otherwise... right?

Sorathevilone · Answer

I know it maybe the way you worded it and it more than likely is just me. I would not play with someone like that and if your not happy with it then that's fine but if your just with him because there is no one else than you come across as a bit narcissistic for they will "monkey bar" from partner to partner to find someone they can manipulate and gain their supply from. Am not saying that is what your doing am simply explaining where am coming from. Am also not judging you for it this is just my opinion and nothing more.

Whisperhead · Answer

I think your choice to string him along like some kind of plaything is going to cause him very serious problems with trust later in life.
If you know you are going to break up with him soon, why not tell him the truth now and see if he finds it acceptable or not?

I suspect the reason you haven't done this already is because you know you are using him and you know what reaction you will get, but are afraid to face the consequences.

Quite frankly I think your behaviour is deplorable. I've been treated in a similar way, and it caused me nothing but misery and confusion.

You should treat others as you wish to be treated, life is hard enough without purposeful heartache and suffering. If he really feels for you as he says he does, you shouldn't abuse it.

As for me, I treat my partners with respect.

EpicDweeb · Answer

I wouldn't, it just seems like an asshole move like you're leading them on. Then again my approach to dating and relationships is different from most people. I plan to treat dating as a "are we good enough together for this to be a life long thing. Basically is marriage a good idea." I also intend not to start out by dating. If a girl isn't first and foremost my best friend I'm not gonna dare her. I'd be risking infatuation and all sorts of other bad choices. Dating your best friend takes away many of the usual issues in relationships. You know the person likes you for you, you know you can deal with any arguments because you've learned how whilst being friends, you can know even afree you fall out of love that you'll still like each othere and want to stick together etc. I dunno dating til you find something better seems like you're just being an a-hole and as sincere as you may be in a relationship while it lasts... you're still not being loving toward's the person.

Isopsis · Answer

Yes? But with huge caveats... If, while dating someone who I fancy, someone comes along that is 10 times better and for some unknown reason is 10 times more attracted to me than my current girlfriend... sure, why not? But I would NEVER enter a relationship that I was CERTAIN I would break off eventually. Ehat really concerns me about your question is your use of "we used to be friends." The person you date should be your BEST friend. That status shouldn't change just because a romantic aspect was added into the friendship.

Doctor_Strix · Answer

OMG! Babe? What are you saying? You agreed we were soulmates! You said that you loved me! You wanted a future with me! We looked at houses together. Even looked at rings! I even held your hand when you were really constipated and literally gave birth to a turd the size of pug! We named him Asphault, and flushed him away. This has meant nothing to you? Only because you want somebody better? Because you’re young? My god, my world is dead. My sun is burnt out. You’re a monster. A freak. A killer of hearts.

MusicMayhem · Answer

Look at the big picture here. If many girls did what you're doing, then by the time you came to date guys seriously they'd all be heartbroken, have trust issues, never open up, and be likely to just want hookups to avoid being messed with emotionally. So you'd never find the quality man you want. Your actions are going to make great guys bitter about woman and therefore more closed off so you're just hurting your future dating prospects.

Would you date someone until you find someone better?

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