Ladies: Would you date a guy with Asperger Syndrome?

Question

Just wondering if all you women here would be able to date a guy with asperger syndrome. I have it, and it's a mild form of autism for those of you who don't know.

I ask this because many AS traits would appear to be turn offs for girls. For example, girls want guys with great social skills who are great at approaching them, something most guys with AS lack, as we are quite socially awkward.

Relationships are especially hard with AS males since they have to initiate contact and do the asking, Women giving cues and signs that they like us doesn't work due to our inability to read body language, So if you’re a girl and like a guy with AS, you may have to do some of the initiating. I have only asked out a tiny fraction of the girls I’ve liked cause asking out girls is when my social skills are at their worst. Fortunately I met this girl who did initiate contact with me and even told me she wants to make it official between us. We’re not official yet (somewhere between friendship and relationship), but things have gone nice and slow. And she knew I had AS before she initiated contact.

So for all you women out there, would you be willing to date a man with asperger syndrome? Or is it too much of a turn off? No sugar coated answers, be real with me.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Be real with you? lol okay. It's not a turn off per se. If anything its pretty intriguing, but there’s the reality of symptoms that is a problem for me...However, judging by these answers I might be the only one. Ha ha

Yeah, I read up on AS a few years ago because I found it pretty interesting.

honestly, I don't know if I would. its not as if I would treat him like a leper or something, I would definitely give it a shot in a theoretical sense, but if you aren't good at communicating with people or picking up on body language or giving off signals that I can interpret, how are you going to ask me out ? And if I'm supposed to ask you out, how am I supposed to know that you like me if you aren't good at sending me signals. Liking you isn't enough. I need signs to let me know if you're into me as well. Send off the wrong signals, and I'll assume that you're trying to tell me to get the hell away from you. lol Assuming that we actually get passed the point of asking out, now the relationship communication comes in. If you have horrible communication skills, and it's not even your fault, that may be a problem. I am a pretty honest, straight forward person though so who knows it could work. I would just feel a bit sad for the times when I do need emotional support and AS guy can't give it because he can't tell that I'm upset. Sometimes they do things or say things that are offensive apparently and they don't know any better, and AS people are also said to be unable to pick up on things like sarcasm or wit. These are two things integral to my personality and if you don't pick up on them, it's going to annoy me eventually and you might be turned off as well. I would also assume that, AS people don't get humor very well, no? That’s another important thing to me. I can't see me having an ideal relationship with someone who takes EVERYTHING literally.

I read that AS people often appear cold, lacking in empathy, and emotionless. I know this isn't true, but as a very emotionally expressive person, I think I would be hurt quite often it a guy doesn't respond with and to my emotions at certain times. I'm also really romantic and I like to make connections with people. I would think AS guy would find it annoying if I'm trying to get him to make eye contact all the time, cuddle, and try to make a connection with them. You said you like things slow, for example. I admit that's not something I'm good at. I throw my whole heart into a relationship pretty easily and I love passion and emotion and sex. Also I like talking about a variety of topics instead of your tendency to focus on one thing in extreme detail. I’d probably annoy an “aspie” to no end.

Having said all that, I'd love to try it! :D lol I mean I don't think I've ever met an AS person. It takes a lot of patience I would think to date someone with AS. And perhaps it also requires a personality type that I just don't have. Kudos to your girl though. That's very cool of her. :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

my last boyfriend had AS and I have to say that dating him really made me re-evaluate what is important in a boyfriend. his personality traits that stemmed from AS made him the most amazing boyfriend in the world in some ways because he did not know how to handle or express his emotions, so he was honest and raw. I don't think I could ever go back to dating a guy who didn't have those traits now because it cut down on so much misunderstandings and drama. a big part of it was because I learned to accept that the only way he could communicate was with his words and not with his body language or through subtlety. I couldn't predict anything he was going to do so I stopped trying to and just let whatever was going to happen, happen. in a lot of ways he was the most amazing guy a girl could ever ask for and it was ALL because of the personality traits that are common with guys who have AS.

there was a down side to it too though and that was that he had problems with intimacy. even things as simple as kissing and cuddling were strange to him because it seemed like they just weren't natural acts for him to do. everything that involved intimacy on his part was forced and, as a result, awkward.

in the end I decided that we should just be friends because his issues prevented us from being able to do the kinds of things together that people who are in love typically do. but if it makes any sense, I would rather have a friend like him than a boyfriend who wasn't. and in a way he kinda ruined me for future men because I don't think I could ever be with a guy who didn't have that kind of raw honesty. the way he was totally up front about whatever was going on his head at any given time because he had no other way of expressing it really made him amazing in my eyes. and I think I need that now.

toulouse · Accepted Answer

i think I tend to like guys with Aspergers. I have many friends with Aspergers- I have noticed I get along with them very well. I have the ability perceive nuance, and I can enjoy it w itin certain situations, internally- but when dealing with other people, I'm very literal and I like to think things thr you logically, and clearly defined. I find people with Aspergers t end to be direct and t hey don't play games, and generally are very earnest because hey may not 'feel like they are relating' but put effort into things lots of people take for granted. and t hen are too full of themselves to do well anyways.

I am definitely not attracted, or into all the extraneous bullsh*t that accompanies a lot of guys attitudes when trying to 'lure' women. I also I have no problem approaching people, and I like the freedom to do so, without dealing with a guy who can't outside of w/e rules he has learnt about who is supposed to do what.

Also, reading body language doesn't account for much, be cause everyone covers that sh*t up. And a lot of what the say things mean people don't exhibit in the 'proper context'.

Do you actually know you can't relate to people 'normally'-- or are you just worried you cant?

like what happens when you are talking to someone.. at w hat point do you become confused as to what's going on?

Slugworth99 · Accepted Answer

Wow. This is a great question. My own son who is going on 14 is AS. He is really doing well to deal with it. His mother and I both suspect that we have some degree of it, but back in the 1980's, AS was not even heard of. Anyway, he struggled with friendships, society and especially girl interaction up to the sixth grade.

This year, he is in seventh grade. He has had his best year yet. The school has really worked with us in trying to help him. He has at least 4 to 6 girls who are friends with him now. At least 2 to 3 of them are 'sweet' on him. I think he is rather clueless on the girls who are sweet on him, but I want him to just concentrate on treating them like young ladies and being their friends. He does have his moments of outbursts and getting very angry. However, they seem to get past it.

I hope this continues into high school. I had a very unheathly relationship with women and was sexually active by the age of 15. I am on this board mainly for him. I want to learn as much about teens, what girls like in a young man, what kind of dating is acceptable.

As a father of a AS child, I applaud you for your efforts in trying to understand it and how others approach it.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Although  I am not diagnosed I fear that I may suffer from AS. I struggle with making eye contact and I always find I cannot read peoples' intentions, even when they are obvious according to others. I never know what the right thing to say is in a social situation. On the other hand, I find pursuing certain endeavours to be quite easy - I enjoy studying chemistry, which is what I am doing now at Oxford University, and I find that abstract ideas in Chemistry comes to me quite naturally, while social interaction is really difficult. I have never had a girlfriend and I don't know what to do with girls that I like - If I try to interact with them I'll probably say something really weird or stupid and frighten them away. If only courting girls was as easy as chemistry...

LOL89 · Answer

Depends how severe your AS is.. if you're a nice person (and you seem to be) then I wouldn't see why it would be a problem. The only problem is that with your blunt honesty, unfortunately a lot of people love it when others lie to them. God knows why but it's just how people are. Everyone loves to think they're better than they are I guess and the truth hurts sometimes.

I reckon it is possible though if you are willing and she is willing too. I know someone with AS and it's not just his honesty that makes him annoying, he is just a bit of an ass about stuff for the sake of it. I guess the problem you might have could be intimacy once you may start dating, but I'm sure if she is the right person for you then you can work past it.

Bottom line is : I think AS is so diverse that you shouldn't let it hold you back from what you want, because it's not something that we know a lot about anyway. There are all different variations of it so I have heard and sometimes if you have a certain mindset about things then you can end up letting it affect how you behave anyway. If you are possible to want a relationship then try and allow yourself to. Live with no limits and the limits should stay limited I guess :=]

Anonymous · Answer

I have AS, and I only want to date a guy if he has it too. I have dated guys that don't have it, and they just don't understand me. They always get mad at me when I don't look at them when they are talking to me, or when I don't want to cuddle or kiss. They always push me and pressure me into going places or doing things that I'm just not comfortable doing. Once I had a boyfriend that told me he was taking me to a park to take a walk, so I went with him. Turns out he tricked me, he took me to a club and he was my ride so I couldn't go back home. He forced me to go inside with him and I ended up having a meltdown in there. It was the worst experience I have ever had with a boyfriend. I ran out of there and he told me to stop acting like "a little immature bitch". He though I was faking it. I broke up with him right there and had to walk home, and got lost like a hundred times so my cousin had to find me and take me home.

I have always had bad experiences with boyfriends, they just don't understand me. I have yet to meet a guy with AS, but I'm for sure not ever dating another guy until I find tone that has it too.

Anonymous · Answer

In a 2 year relationship with someone who I feel is autistic.  He's 31.  Actually, I realized he might have it after watching a program on the Discovery Channel last year.  He then went to a physchologist/phsychiatrist who diagnosted him in 45 min with ADHD.  Yeah, right.  He sometimes has difficulty with reading comprehension, as well as sarcasm.  He takes things literally a lot.  He can have a short temper, and yell, but never verbally abusive.  He's a sweet, quite, gentle guy, and he loves to cuddle.  The issue I have with him is his inability to communicate, comprehend, and verbalize emotion.  He takes a while to make decisions sometimes, or just says "it doesn't matter" and defers to me.  He's a Aries (but acts like a Pisces) and I'm a Virgo, so we're both very loyal.  I love him.  A matter of fact, that's why I'm posting this, because we're "off" at the moment and we got into it about Valentine's Day.  Now that I've read the posts here, I think his reaction wasn't intentionally, but based on the literal meaning of something I said.  Patience is definitely necessary when dealing with an autistic person, but I'm working on it.

AslinnNight · Answer

My boyfriend of 4 years has AS and personally I don't see any difference in him. I don't exactly fully understand the illness or anything, I've tried, he doesn't talk about it but its also never come up. I wish I could understand but I don't think it bothers him at all. When he first found out he had it we were on a break from the relationship and well we didn't talk at all for about 4 months but from some of the stories he told me, he seems to cope with it amazingly now and when he has been brought up he says I help him more than anything.

aestuum · Answer

I do not think it is necessarily a turn off, just an added obstacle. I think the best thing to do is let girls know what you have and explain it to them soon after you meet, because most girls would just assume that you are not interested if you are not responding to their advances/flirtation. I think if a guy came up to me and explained his situation and said he was interested in me, then I would consider it and give him at least a chance to take me on a date before deciding. Like they say, you never know until you try!

aidsleen · Answer

we had a kid with a severe case of aspergers at my school.

someone like him will only ever get an extremely kind person with a lot of patience.

the way you understand your condition, and word your sentences shows me you are a smart guy, as most aspergers sufferers are.

i think you can beat this and while it will may be a large effort you can turn it in to an almost non-existant problem.

Girls aren't cold hearted bitches who run as soon as they hear syndrome.

smart people usually have a keen sense of humor, that will take you very far.

no matter what condition you have, you just need to keep the attraction going and you'll be fine.

Flirt, joke, compliment (not too much, and never absolutely) and NEVER get too comfortable and think you can stop trying altogether when the relationship gets going.

BlackJoseph · Answer

I would date an aspie however I happen to be an one myself so this is interesting.

The guy I like has aspergers as well and he's the easiest guy to talk to we just click and it's very rare for two aspies to find each other when everyone else in the world is an NT.

He's in a non-serious relationship right now and has been hurt in the past many people don't understand him, we have a strange bond everyone around us can tell there's something up.

He's funny, a goofball, always tries to make me laugh, just a really cool guy and I hope something can happen between us I've never met a person or guy in general who just gets me and has such a wonderful vibe around him.

anonymous1422 · Answer

The amount of insight that you have on your personality and traits affected by AS is incredible. I have 2 friends that have asked me out that had AS and turned them both down, although there were good reasons for each. One of these people was my best friend's brother and the other was 3 years younger than me (in 6th grade when I was in 9th) and always had a foul odor. So basically what I am trying to say is the AS itself doesn't make me reject guys, but sometimes in my experience people with AS don't know who to go after all the time.

grenn126 · Answer

Honestly, you having AS would be a make or break with dating you. It has to do with the special person that you are. I have a friend who has tourette syndrome. I think he is nothing like I have ever met before. I is so charming and strong. He told me and trusted me with the fact that he has it. He doesn't flaunt it because it shows without him saying. I believe he is a great candidate for a date because people have so much to learn from him. I hope this helped and inspired you that just because you are a little different each and every person has a special trait that they can share with their significant other can will be completely and utterly acceptable. Have a great day and keep your head up. :)

Anonymous · Answer

I am sometimes very socially awkward. It's because I sometimes feel extremely shy - when I+m on my own mostly. When I'm with my friends somewhere I feel fine, I may even feel outgoing and a bit crazy, but when I'm by myself I withdraw myself from society most of the time... I'm not saying I know what you're going through, but I do know how it feels to be uncomfortable with a lot of people around you...

Yes, I would date a guy like you...why not? :)

But the problem with me is that I never initiate contact...so it wouldn't be so easy...

Anonymous · Answer

No, I would feel lonely, sad and rejected. I need my boyfriend to love the way I do at least a little. I fell in love with a guy with Aspergers and it was a traumatic experience. Still, even though I thoroughly studied he's condition I couldn't help feeling like he was acting selfish and too childish sometimes. When I was sad I felt so alone and unloved. When I said something jokingly he took me seriously and even after apologizing and explaining it was sarcasm, I felt like I was hurting him and I hated myself for it. I wanted to be closer to him more then anything, but I just didn't belong in he's world and I always felt like he doesn't want me there. He's lack of empathy for others even made me resent him, regardless of the fact it could have been the consequence of the syndrome.

Btw, back then he didn't know he had Aspergers. After we started dating I "diagnosed" him accidentally learning about the syndrome. Later he was properly diagnosed.

Anonymous · Answer

I had to look up what aspergers is. I don't know anyone with it. Sure I would date someone with AS. It's not like you have a leg growing out the side of your head. Or you have an eyeball growing out of the side of your cheek. By this I mean there's nothing physical that makes you look different. For me its more about are you a good person?. Can I trust you?. I would probably think If I met you that you were just shy or something, not that you have As.

I can identify with being more of a quiet shy person with not the greatest social skills. Have you thought about dating someone with As? Maybe that would work.

kt_kyleen · Answer

I don't see it as a 'turn off' per se, but I know the relationship could end up challenging at times. But I s'pose that's natural in relationships. Personally I'd want to know all about it so I could better understand the fella who has AS. 'Cause as it were, I know very little about it (besides watching the movie "Adam"--great movie, highly recommend it). If I were to accomplish that, dating a man with AS would be just fine.

Tonks · Answer

I would... It doesn't matter whether he has AS or not. (My brother has aspergers) It is about who they are as a person. All the traits from AS is what makes you who you are change them and you become a completely different person. Which I think would be rubbish. You have to look at it that its a gift not a curse, people with AS are unique and should not feel embarassed or ashamed. In my opinion anyway...

nightmarewriter · Answer

I did or am dating a guy with Aspergers (we had a fight and I think it may be over since he blocked me on fb and won't talk to me) and he was more caring to me then any other guy i have dated. We had met on Facebook, and had talked for a month before our first meeting. August 12th was our first meeting, and he held me in his arms and held me tight. It was the happiest I've ever been. Would I date another guy with aspergers? Honestly I don't know, I'm hoping that this guy and I are okay because I don't want to be with anyone else.

20Katerina · Answer

I would date somebody who has as. I don't think its right to judge people for any disability. I don't look at all people the same I would be with my friend right now he is in a wheel chair but so far away. The sad truth is people can't look past things. I would also do anything I could for someone  as well. I'm sure your a great person that's all that matters. ;)

jujubeetzzz · Answer

i think you just should let them experience you without telling them,...if you tell them immediately you'll just scare them away. just let them see if they can handle you, if anything is a major problem and you know its  because of your asberger syndrome, its probably a good time to tell them and tell them you were nervous about telling them.

willowthegreat · Answer

I am in enourmous like with a guy with AS! He's beautifu and charming, and when he hugs me, he holds me until I make him let go.

Here is MY problem... He hasn't told me he has AS, and I'm actually not sure if it's AS or Autism, but a week ago I asked him to hang out over the weekend and he tol me I was nit his type. Was he just affraid that I wanted to move too quickly, or am I really not his type?

Also, since then I told him that I was not trying to sleep wuth him, and since then things have gone bavk to OUR normal. Talking every moment we're in the same building and holding me until I make him let go. What should I do?!?!

minerva_milano · Answer

Well I REALLY don't know, it would be a HUGE challenge for me, not because I'm needy of attention but sometimes I'm pretty insecure when it comes to relationships, I know that would be almost impossible for an Aspie show me his feelings but its one of the things that I like most, being loved and knowing that, I'm not a "reason/logical" person I'm a totally emotional.

I personally think that you're a lucky guy and this girl is a diamond!

Good luck

scar1 · Answer

sounds like you have autism not asperger's, being in inept socailly is a characteristic of autism, people with aspergers are either normal or way above average socially (due to the type of intelligence being the exact opposite of autism). but at the same time are really awkward socially. I know what they are considered but they are totally.

Ladies: Would you date a guy with Asperger Syndrome?

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