Should I tell my boyfriend I was raped?

[Anonymous]

I’m so conflicted about this. I trust him completely- he is protective, yet not possessive, and is the kindest person I’ve ever met. Hands down, our relationship has been the best relationship, the easiest, the most right, that I have ever had.
However as I’m starting to fall in love with him i am experiencing a lot of fear- for letting myself feel that way again. I feel a lot of this comes from the rape. The rape doesn’t affect me on the daily and I do not have PTSD or lasting effects, however, it was one of my boyfriends that raped me. I truly did love him. So while I have had a healthy sex life and healthy relationships since the rape, my current relationship is the first one where strong “love” is surfacing. And because the last person I TRULY loved, raped me, I’m not sure how to handle my new relationship, or the love that I’m feeling.
While I am healed, I am not broken, and my boyfriend and I have a healthy sex life... do you think this is something I should tell him? It may help him understand my fears or why I have struggled with showing my affection. I also feel that I can’t fully love him unless I know he can love me despite the rape. I haven’t told him I love him yet even though I want to, because of the rape... and I do not want there to be anything that could divide us.

[Anonymous]

You need to proceed with caution. You need to understand what you expect to gain from telling him and what you are expecting from him as a result of you telling him.

Having struggled with this myself, and having gone through counseling, id say that you don't need to tell him just for the sake of being open.

If it is causing issues, then you need to assume telling him is the first step, not the solution. And you also need to be able to help him understand where he fits in this. As much as he is open and caring, that doesn't mean he will know what to do or what you need.

With me, it caused my boyfriend to go from relaxed and just being him, to being unsure of how to act and what to do and fear of mishandling me. So while I was appreciative that he didn't react in a negative way, his actions really weren't a positive for the relationship and he needed me to give him some guidance...

[Asker]

Do i even have to say the word rape, do you think? I’m worried less about him leaving me and more about how that could change our relationship, like the last scenario you described. I don’t want to be treated any differently. I know the rape has made me have to re-learn what love is and how to show love, which has made me conflicted and distant, but do you think explaining that “something bad happened with one of my exes” and how it’s affected me and that I need him to be patient, would be enough?

[Opinion Owner]

Well brining it up is just gonna create questions. So. I didn’t use the word rape. I explained how the guy treated me in a very weird awkward not though out emotional way that wasn’t graphic but it got the point across. I think you’re whole point here is to describe the impact it had on you as acway of explaining your behavior. You can’t really do that and minimize the impact cuz it’ll sound insincere or it won’t make sense, you follow me?

[Factshurt90]

I would. Building trust is a good thing. Admitting some shit that may scare you wards off future confusion.
I can't stand to have men grab me in ANY way... I was abused before so I tell men not to grab me as to curb future confusion.
If he knows where you come from he can proceed with caution as to not make you feel threatened.

[ecfresh]

If you feel like the level of trust is strong enough then tell him. Let him know that you are falling in love with him and if those past fears and pains come back you will tell him. Be sure to tell him how he can support you when you feel scared also.

[Saurav11]

Hold on. What u say ur lover raped u in past? Are u fkin serious? Dont post nonsense for get attention.

[Asker]

Don’t be an idiot. Why would I post anonymously for attention.

[Saurav11]

Heheh. Dont tell him about ur raped he will leave u.

[Saurav11]

Wow thank sweety 😘.
I hope all gng well

[FakeName123]

If you trust him enough and see a future for each other, eventually you should. But do it when the time is right.

[thechesseman]

He may hurt your ex. Other than that you should tell him so you feel less conflicted about him.

[Shy_Steve]

Yes, If you fully trust him and also explain to him how you feel aswell.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should tell him. Your relationship shouldn't suffer because of it, and neither should you.

[Calmman45]

Better to tell him in order to feel more comfortable with him in the future.

[loveslongnails]

It'll come out later. Best get it over with now.

[wilcross]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Regretted sex is not rape.

[Asker]

Tell me how being asleep, waking up to my boyfriend having sex nonconsentually with me is “regretted sex.” Idiot.

[ravagesavage]

Bro, you tweaking for saying that 😂😂😂

[Opinion Owner]

He's your boyfriend and you were in bed with him. Consent is implied. I feel sorry for any guy who gets snagged into your miserable life.

[Asker]

Consent is not implied I WAS FUCKING ASLEEP.

[Opinion Owner]

Consent was implied the moment you got in bed with him. That was not rape. No matter how much you want to be able to claim victim status, you were not raped.

[Asker]

I don’t WANT to claim victim, you asshole. I was asleep. Had he woken me up, it would have been fine. But I was fucking ASLEEP. I pity any girl that is with you. Being unconscious does not give you the right to rape her.

[Opinion Owner]

NOT rape, sweetie-pie.

[Asker]

Go fuck yourself, because it is, by definition, rape. I was unconscious.

[ravagesavage]

Y'all still talking about this? I belt anyone if they have sex with me asleep, even if it's my girl. Didn't give her permission to do that.

[Opinion Owner]

Unless he was punching you in the face, it wasn't rape.

[Asker]

Rape does not have to include violence, and I feel sorry that you think that way. I bet you’re one of the ones that think Brock Turner was fine. Rape is non consensual sex. My ex had sex with me non-consentually. And it took a LONG time for me to come to terms with it so stop invalidating my trauma, you fucking asshole.

[ravagesavage]

Are y'all tweaking? This conversation is pointless.

[Opinion Owner]

Your "trauma" is completely self-induced. Because you've been convinced that having a prior rape to brag about gives you some kind of street cred. It doesn't. And you were never raped.

[Asker]

I don't brag. I've never told anyone. Fuck you :) And ravagesavage, I will defend my past as much as I want to. Anon is being incredibly disrespectful because it was not regretted sex, and he's just another part of rape culture. Ridiculous, it's the 21st century.

[Opinion Owner]

And... THERE it is..."RAPE CULTURE." Hahaha

[ChloeTrobinson]

Tell him