Do I have to tell my new partner I was raped?

[Anonymous]

Recently my new partner and I started talking about sexual boundaries. When saying that I don't have a lot of positive experience and would prefer to go slow, he looked confused because of my age and bluntly asked if I was a virgin.

I don't want to lie. And became visibly increasingly uncomfortable with the topic. I said it was hard to explain. He kept asking whether I was or not. Eventually I said "technically yes" But I feel scared and guilty.

I wear a purity ring. I don't want to lie to him and build a foundation of distrust, but I also don't want to tell him that a couple years ago 2 of my friends and my ex raped me. I don't want him to know that. It's embarrassing. And I don't think any man would believe me anyway or take it well if they did know. I don't want that kind of attention. And I'm scared if any male knows they got away with it then he would try to assault me too.

What should I do?

Yes (explain why below)

No (explain why below)

[ChrisMaster69]

Really sorry for what happened this is always a nightmare and there are some big things to consider and be aware of:

How do you feel in yourself, are you under counselling, are you easily triggered by closeness, by sexual activity, him holding you in a cuddle, blocking you in etc.

How much can you trust him? It’s been known for guys to use the ‘she’s been raped’ thing to emotionally and physically abuse her, as well she’s will to do anything. That is a very real and very scary fact to consider. (Which you are aware of)…

.
Are you still going through regular counselling sessions with a rape counsellor?

have you got your PTSD under wraps?

I worked as a volunteer at a counselling centre, and what you described is all too common and takes a long time to learn trust and security again.

the other bit to all this, it’s your body, it’s for you to decide if you want sex or not.

At some point you need to tell him something, it does not need to be the exact truth, ‘someone tried to…’ etc dilute it down but explain how it affected you.

If you have not had sex since the rape, you will most likely hit a trigger point.

my view is keep the counselling going, keep him at arms length on the sex bit, increase your level of cuddling and being close, see how you handle it emotionally.

only you know your level of anxiety and PTSD.

you don’t need to answer the next bit, but think about it and how you really feel.

when masturbating, do you use toys such as Dildos for penetrative pleasure?

can you emotionally handle it, do you get flash backs or tense at anytime?

this is all stuff to consider.

happy to discuss further.

[Anonymous]

The people that are saying no is disturbing! Yes at some point, especially if the relationship is getting serious. Like your example of this situation, he's already wondering why you're acting the way you are, so knowing you were raped explains ALL of it. Not to mention he'll know what NOT to do with you (because of your experience). If it was reversed, would you want to know this about your partner? Would you feel a little hurt if he never shared that with you, especially if your relationship got serious. I understand your feelings, but that wasn't YOUR FAULT! I really think you should look into post rape counselling, because you have to work though all these feelings. And you also can assume a guy is going to think "he can get away with it" from you telling him of your past. If he's a good guy, that's not even going to cross his mind. And if he was thinking of raping you, he already was (ie this won't make him suddenly consider it). Yes it's a very private and personal thing, and I'm not saying someone new necessarily has to know this right away, but when things start to get serious, and/or you trust him enough, absolutely tell him.

[Opinion Owner]

*can't assume a guy... that should say lol

[Screenwriter]

No. You first need to see a therapist and work through the issues of fear you have about exposing yourself to emotional and sexual risk with a new person. This will take time. Don't rush into a relationship OR sex with a new person.

13 sessions is the average time it takes to work through one issue. Rape is very serious and it may take longer for you. That's three months and a week at least.

You might need to tell your friend you were assaulted and you're seeing a therapist about it. There's no need to go into any more detail than that. "Assault" could simple mean attacked. You can leave the sexual part out. You have serious trust issues and any sensible person could understand why you need to take things slowly. Good luck.

[DarkCarousel]

Don’t wait to talk about it while you’re in the moment. If you tell him (which I think you should for both yourself and him), tell him you want to talk about something important that might help him understand you a little better. Tell him that you’ve been nervous about answering his questions about sex because someone has hurt you sexually. Tell him upfront that if he has questions, you may need time to work through the mental chaos before you answer him but that you will.
It’s only going to help you both for you to be a little open about it. Better to be open about it before the moment and no one is blindsided.

[JackSmy]

Complete HONESTY is the best!! If you tell him, and he can't handle it, is he the one you want? If you don't tell him, and later, he finds out, then there is the LIE, and that is worse!!
If you LOVE someone, really LOVE, then you HAVE TO BE TOTALLY HONEST!
It may hurt him, that you were abused, and went through that, but he should know, as it might affect your intimacy, and relationship, later!
You did NOTHING WRONG! If he cannot accept that, then why would you want someone that doesn't just love you, unconditionally?

[Asker]

But I don't want anyone to know. And if he knows I'm worried he'll act like because sex already happened that I didn't want it means I don't deserve patience or any type of considerate gesture when it's our first time because my virginity was already taken so it's no longer special and now waiting is stupid cuz it's already gone.

[JackSmy]

Nobody needs to know you were raped! If he is using that, to control you, in ANY way, he is a PRICK!!!
Why would you want to be with someone that is using/abusing you, or manipulating, and controlling you?
You didn't make that ASSHOLE RAPE YOU!! I isn't your fault!! Why do you feel guilt!! You didn't choose that!!
If he thinks, for some FCKED UP reason, that you are now, like "Something" and "unlovable" because of that, he is an ASSHOLE!!!
Is this some "Religious" thing? Islam?

[Asker]

No he's an atheist. And He's not trying to make me do anything. He said it's okay to go at my pace and be slow with this stuff. But I can see the wheels turning. Him trying to make things add up. He actually goes on rants about how rapists need to have their dicks cut off and stuff like that. I'm pretty sure he's not a bad guy. But I'm concerned if he knows I was raped then he's not gonna think our first time together is capable of being special. Because I'm unable to give him my virginity. My concern isn't even because I believe he will be mad at me. I just don't like feeling like I'm lying about something that I don't want to disclose. I told the last guy I was dating because he wouldn't drop it either and he broke up with me because I wasn't pure.

[weasley8]

No. You don't have any obligation to tell anyone about your past traumas. I would expect that it would come up eventually if you end up staying with this person for a long time. But there is no timeline of when you should tell him. Just make it clear what your boundaries are. If he asks why it's so important to you, it's perfectly okay to say that you're not comfortable talking about that yet. Lying isn't healthy for a relationship, but that's completely different from honestly telling someone that you're not ready to talk about something. A decent person will respect that answer.

I would recommend seeing a therapist though. Just because from what you said in your question, you're showing some signs of PTSD. Not to mention, it's clearly causing you anxiety, specifically when it comes to your relationship. A therapist could help you through it far better than anyone on the internet can.

[Asker]

I told my therapist the morning after it happened and she called me a slut and said if I was smarter I wouldn't have put myself in the situation of having those kind of friends/partner. I haven't talked to her since. I sought counseling from the church and they told me I don't need to tell anyone until they propose to me. But that doesn't really help when I feel like a liar for evading his question and he seems to put a lot of importance on the topic to keep asking me.

[Jessica405]

He ain't gonna be too pleased if it gets serious enough for him to propose and then you tell him.

[weasley8]

If your therapist said that then they're a bad therapist. And what they said is completely unscientific, and harmful, and it's the sort of thing that she could get fired for. I'd suggest finding a different therapist, and maybe checking specifically for one who works with survivors of sexual assault. There are loads of databases you can look on. I just found one on google called TherapyDen. com, for example. It lets you do an advanced search and filter by location, cost, specialty, and numerous other factors. One of the specialties that you can search for is sexual abuse or assault.

I also know that every church is different, but I would be cautious getting all your therapy from a church. Most church therapists aren't actually trained in psychology. Not to mention, certain church officials haven't always been the best at dealing with the subject of rape and sexual assault. I'm Christian myself, but the people in the church are completely fallible, just like everyone else. And due to the fact that most of them aren't actually trained to give therapy, church therapists in particular can be risky.

I don't think you would need to tell him even if he proposed. Again, I don't think lying is healthy, but it isn't a lie to say that you don't feel comfortable sharing a story yet. You can do that without evading the question, and it's a completely honest thing to say. If he feels like he needs to know that in order to propose, then he can wait to propose until you feel comfortable sharing.

[weasley8]

@Jessica405 If she tells him that she isn't comfortable discussing it, then it isn't a big surprise. He knows that something happened, and that it was traumatic. She can tell him that without having to relive it by telling the story. I've taken several psychology courses and telling traumatic stories before someone is ready can actually make the trauma worse.

And to the asker, if you're really worried about it getting too far into the relationship, you can see a therapist and tell them that one of your goals is to get ready for that conversation. And they can coach you on how to get comfortable talking about it without re-traumatizing yourself. A good therapist will pay attention to what your goals are for therapy, and if that is one, then they will respect it.

[Asker]

Thank you. I'll check out that website. Your last sentence made a lot of sense.

[Jessica405]

I am sure he would want to know wha the issue is. If he isn't told, he will start inventing scenarios. Then he will back away because some may be unacceptable.

[weasley8]

@Jessica405 If he does that that's his own decision. In my opinion, a good guy wouldn't do that. I don't think that any of the guys I choose to talk to would do that. And I don't know what you mean by saying that some might be unacceptable. But even if that did happen, it's a far better outcome than it would be to worsen the trauma that someone has already gone through by telling stories before they are ready to be told.

I'm sure he would wonder. But if he's a good guy, he will respect the fact that the person he's dating is not comfortable talking about that. And he would wait.

[Jessica405]

To the asker. You, yourself, said to @JackSmy that the wheels are turning. He IS inventing scenarios. You do risk losing him. Not knowing is a lot worse than being told.

[Jessica405]

Believe me, he could be the best guy in the world, but invent scenarios like she was done for murder.

You psychologists go by what is a median of behavious in different scenarios. There will always be people, like me, that just do not act according to your predicted model.

[weasley8]

@Jessica405 That doesn't mean he's going to leave her. I've had stories that I wasn't comfortable telling people yet, and they were curious, and they thought about it a lot as well. And it effected things that I was willing to do both in friendships and with people that I was dating. But none of them left. Because they're decent people. From what I've read, the guy seems like his views on rape and sexual assault are correct in that it's the perpetrator's fault. So even if he does figure some things out on his own, he won't leave just because the person he's dating isn't willing to share her traumatic stories just yet.

[Asker]

Ye he's vocally anti rapists and he's beat the crap out of a frat buddy who raped a girl when he found out. I'm not concerned because I think he's gonna hurt me. I'm concerned because I don't feel comfortable telling him the truth, but I feel bad about myself letting him believe something that isn't the full story. Also I just don't want that type of attention and I don't want him to feel sorry for me or start treating me with kid's gloves or break up with me because it's "too dark" and he "can't handle knowing that." But the biggest fear that cuts the deepest is that I never got a first time that got to be special and mean something. And I'm worried if he knows that was already taken that he's not gonna care about making it special anymore because I'm not special anymore because I'm not a 'real' virgin.

[weasley8]

If that's what you worry about then tell him that you want your first time with him to be special. From what you've said he seems to listen to you. He should want it to be special anyway. And by the way, virginity is a social construct. Nothing changes in your body just because you have sex for the first time. Women don't come with a purity seal. In my opinion, the main difference between someone who is a virgin and one who isn't is that in most cases, one has chosen to have sex, which shows that they have reached a level of comfort with the subject that the first might not have. If you haven't had consensual sex in the past, I would consider you far more similar to most "virgins" than to most "non-virgins."

He should already want it to be special because he cares about you and wants you to enjoy yourself. But if you want to, you can tell him that it's important to you that the first time you have sex with him is special. And because it's the first time that you're making that decision, it will be special.

And I understand the fear of being treated with kid gloves, and worrying that he will be scared off by dark stories. I've dealt with those fears myself. I can say with confidence that no one who cared about me has ever been scared off by my stories. As for being treated with kid gloves, that's happened a few times. Not when I tell people I'm not comfortable sharing, but when I do eventually end up telling them my stories, people will often view me as more fragile. But it's temporary. They realize that I'm the same person I was before I told them. If it bothers me sometimes I go out of my way to be loud and silly the next time I see them, and jump around just so they can see for themselves that I'm not fragile, and that I'm a happy person despite everything that happened. And then they move past it, and by the time a few weeks have passed the tension is gone, and we go back to a normal dynamic.

[MrOracle]

in my opinion, if you trust this man enough to get sexual with him, then you should trust him to know the truth, because I can almost guarantee that you're going to have some serious emotions once you start to get sexual due to that past trauma, and he's got to be ready for that, and know why it's happening, or things are going to get ugly when they don't need to be.

Imagine if the situation was reversed, and when you started having sex, he started freaking out or getting all emotional for seemingly no reason. How would you feel, not being able to explain why he's losing it? I'm pretty sure you'd want to know.

[Asker]

But we're not having sex yet. We only just started talking about our sexual boundaries. He said he's okay with taking things slow, so can't I at least wait a while before having this conversation if I truly have to have it? Also, he knows I have anxiety so theoretically couldn't I just blame my general anxiety if I freak out about sex instead of having to tell him what happened

[MrOracle]

You don't have to tell him now if it's going to be a while before you have sex, but in my opinion you DO need to tell him (THE TRUTH) before you have sex. You do NOT want to start your relationship off with a lie, because one lie will beget others, and soon he won't be able to trust you. If you can't tell him the truth, then you shouldn't be with him.

[daryan12s]

You have nothing to be ashamed of! Better talk to your boyfriend and tell him about it. Tell him that the rape has greatly affected you emotionally and now you have a difficult sex relationship.
If you don't say this, then the guy starts to think that you are hiding something from him or that he just does not turn you on. Who knows what else he will come up with?
You wrote that you do not want to deceive him. Already this moment should push you to a conversation with a guy.
But before that, you should ask yourself a question: do you want it to be a long and strong relationship that could become something more, or is it just a relationship for a short period of time? After that, I think you will decide for yourself - to tell him your secret or not. Good luck to you!

[Jessica405]

You should discuss everything in your past that is significant in your relationship. It is better coming from you than for your guy to find out from someone else. Do not have any secrets. A relationship with secrets is prone to failure. People just can't keep their mouthes shut!

[Jessica405]

You should discuss this now. Before your relationship gets too serious.

[Asker]

There's not really anyone who could tell him. Nobody knows except for the three guys who did it.

[Jessica405]

Exactly. I know they are the guilty ones, but can you be sure one of them hasn't bragged, in some way, to a fourth person?

[Jessica405]

Looks like someone can't accept my thoughts. My opinions have been deleted by someone that doesn't like being challenged. All I can say is good luck!

[natured]

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but honestly, I think you should tell him, you should not be embarrised in fact you should be very proud of yourself that you are standing where you are standing right now as a strong woman. And as a strong woman you cannot hide your wounds in these cases, TELL HIM all about it, i'm sure he will believe you, understand you and even have more respect for you than ever.
Wish you the best

[Leavesbound]

It is your choice to tell him or not. Either choice is a valid one. The more important thing to consider how you feel not how he feels since you were the one who was raped. But if you tell him he may understand and in fact be more understanding than you expect.

[Arumin_Ian]

Depends if you see something long term with this guy. If you do then you should 100% trust him.

But that doesn't seems to be the case. You have fear that he might rape you. That's distrust. If you don't trust him that much, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Why tell him about it?
This is one of the most traumatic exp of your life. And we want comfort within our partners. He needs to know your fears and insecurities and with time and support help you to heal them.

[Asker]

I don't think he specifically would. I think any man potentially could.

[Arumin_Ian]

Not really. It takes a very messed up men to rape. Though they exist, that's a small percent of the whole men

[Berethor]

Yes you should tell him the truth, as your partner he deserve to know your background.

[Dchrls78104]

Keeping secrets from the one you say you love and want a relationship with, is like texting while driving and expecting to be fully focused on the road and on your vehicle.

[Sassa74]

It’s to early to share that info. Might make u look looking for attention

[MLGbreezy]

I mean you don't have to but that's probably some important information you should divulge.

[Aquariusmystery]

If he doesn’t know he could do or say sth to trigger you

[Anonymous]

Men aren't mind readers. As a guy I can understand you wanna take things slow because of your past rape experience. But if you say nothing and still don't want to be intimate , I will deduce you are not into me. So it's better to break up then

[JesseJayNeak]

Yeah, he'll understand. It wasn't your fault you got raped.

[Anonymous]

If your not comfortable telling that then why are you with him.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I would wait until you are engaged or about to be engaged to have that conversation.

[DeltaCharlieEcho]

Since it probably didn’t happen, I’d say no.

[Iron_Man]

Yes you have to

[Asker]

why should i have to

[Iron_Man]

Because it’s too big to hide

[Iron_Man]

Eventually You’ll tell him anyway

[Iron_Man]

If you wait too long he won’t like it