BREAKING NEWS: The Friendzone Does Exist?

[coachTanthony]

BREAKING NEWS: The Friendzone Does Exist?

Agree

Disagree

See poll

Updates

+1 y

BREAKING NEWS: So instead of commenting on all the ones who think the Friend Zone exists I wanted to just do an update.

Sorry it doesn't exist!

The Friend Zone is a psychological place in which you put yourself when you behave like a friend with the person you like, because you don't have the courage to behave otherwise.

#friendzoneisnotreal

[Boppy]

In my experiences, it's seemed that some people will become friends with and get to know someone first, then perhaps develop attraction and want to get closer and romantic. Other people prefer to sort new people they've met into "potential lovers" and "potential friends" and only see the people in those boxes.

This difference in interpretation may be why some people will reject a friend who "caught feelings" by saying they should just be friends, and why sometimes this is fine and sometimes the enamored person will just feel dumped and leave.

Upon reading the answers posted here, I think this is just one of many "friend zone" types.

[NineBreaker]

The friendzone definitely exists. However, for those complaining of bring in the friendzone, no one can friendzone you; only you can friendzone yourself.

My advice would be to grow a pair of gonads and do the right thing: either be direct about how you feel, or just move on.

[btbc92]

No! People needs to stop being so selfish and learn to build healthy relationships, not seek friendship just to get into someone's pants. It only exist in the minds of the rejected souls who never really known real love. Love sacrifices, and is never selfish. As I said before, you are not going to be compatible with everybody. Can't get into a relationship with a person who agrees with abortion and you don't, but stupidly started dated because both of you like 'Death metal'. Death metal is NOT going to pay the bills when you start talking about family life and being exclusive permanently. People just don't use common SENSE anymore.

[btbc92]

Update: hallelujah, thank you!!!

[btbc92]

If you don't open up your mouth about what you really want I'm never going to know.

[purplepoppy]

Why is friendzone seen as a bad place? There are lots of great guys out there was I'm just friends with. Men and woman can actually just be friends, we don't have to date each other. But when we do want to date the chances are we'll have a friend who just happens to know this guy in her friendzone. And believe me a recommendation by a friend is the best type.

[Thessa]

Most of the time that person put himself in that position because he is afraid or not confident enough to show that he wants more

[Gopnik]

or the girl avoids relationships because her first time getting close to such thing got pretty cranky and the guy really only cares about her and no one else.
nothing too specific meh.

[Thessa]

You can act as friend and still show her where you stand about how you feel

[btbc92]

@Gopnik

With such a person like that that is guarded it is selfish to be expecting something that she can not deal with and handle. That doesn't show you care that shows that you are very selfish. Love is about the others needs not what you can get out of them. A person who is dealing with a so-called friend like that does right to reject such a person. That same person is just going to grow frustrated with her and then dump her for somebody else.

[Thessa]

I think it’s all about perspective and this is the way I see it , if the guy really care about her obviously it’s gonna be completely different so she can let herself go because at the end she knows she can trust him

[btbc92]

Actually trust is about respecting the person boundaries. If she is not trusting of him, is not about her able to let go but whether or not she truly wants to. And most people just wants to push you and peer pressure you into something you do not want. These guys only want to get into a girl's pants for sex. And if that is not what she personally believe then he in the wrong relationship. I had guys do that to me and many of them sadly seem to forget that I am a Christian woman who do not believe in sexual things before marriage. And then grown very frustrated and upset when I state my standards and when I come from as a young woman. So it's less to do about perspective, and more to do about having respect. Just because he has a friend that does not mean you're going to be compatible with that person. That's the point of having a friendship so that you can assess a person's character and morals. The friends that had wanted to date me did not share my values regarding relationships. And it wouldn't have lasted. Sadly a lot of people that are under the age of 18 do not think about these things that are very serious.

[btbc92]

That is how people end up hurt and they carry so much baggage into other relationships. And now need professional counseling and therapy just to be able to learn how to cope and deal with life. What this young man is talking about comes from an attitude of resentment, because he couldn't get what he wanted from the person he is pursuing. And that is not a good attitude to have its toxic.

[Thessa]

And I completely agreed with you but the question is if the friend zone exist , so for someone who doesn’t want to be in it I am saying show that you’re available for that girl/boy show that you care for more than a friendship that’s all

[btbc92]

The point is is that we should not even condoning the existence of the friend zone at all. We should be promoting the value of friendship because of relationship should also be a friendship. And if people don't learn how to be friends how are they going to learn how to be a good lovers? They cannot jump from the first grade to college if they don't even meet the requirements to be a college student. So is the same expectations when it comes to people. Showing the person that you are available is not enough. You must make known what your intentions are from the very beginning. And most people do not want a friendship and that's a problem. People have to learn to have patience and build with each other. Because if they don't learn to build their relationship is going fail.

[Thessa]

You’re right , but it’s another debate

[btbc92]

We have to stop babying people and start treating them as adults. People don't know how to speak and communicate anymore. They're too afraid to open up their mouth and be clear about what they really want. They're too anxious, too afraid and have a lot of pent up frustrations that brings about mixed messages and confusion to other people. Just like I told plenty of people that got upset at me because I didn't pursue somebody that I didn't even know, but they saying how that person like me. If they don't come up to meet himself and tell me what they are looking for why am I going to bother? They are going through the same routine and any other candidate. That is what I am saying. And that is why I agreed with your original post.

[Gopnik]

So @btbc92 with so little info you dare say i'm peer pressuring some "poor" girl into opening her legs so i can do my thing and fuck off?
Because that's what i'm gathering from you

[Thessa]

Finally he’s there

[Gopnik]

well @Thessa as you suggested that's exactly what i am doing, i hang out with her, talk to her etc, sometimes i just give her a few compliments if there's a place and time for it, i do not feel the need to let her know i like her as it really won't get me anywhere for the time being, she's stated that due to her first near "relationship" experience being kinda fucked up for a first time she decided to stay away from such things a little while and focus on school a bit more.
something i find very understandable and i'm not very hasty in anything i do or say.
my intentions aren't to FUCK or GET IN HER PANTS (kuch kuch @btbc92)
maybe somewhere in the future it can become something but for the time being it's fine this way.
it'd take far too long to tell you guys how i met her and the first few times we actually hung out, because it really seemed more like we liked each other and yes i did like her and i'm not certain whether that was both ways, i still don't know.
but i'm fine with it for now as i'm fine with it taking a little bit of time, as she's just a lot of steps above the usual 16 year old girl, you'd say a lot more mature.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik I don't think you get it. It's your attitude and how you chose to come off. The point is she said that she is not looking for that right now. So if you said that you find it understandable, leave it at that. But if you're going to spend time with her life that, you better tell her now. Do not lead her on with a friendship. Because friendship is friendship.

[btbc92]

Has nothing to do with little info. Its what I sense from you. And what I sense is exactly that. That is what you want, you need to let her know what she is dealing with ahead of time so she doesn't feel you're trying to use her.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i haven't let her know in a clear cut way i like her, i don't feel like that's gonna bring me anywhere but further down a drain hole, the thing you're not getting is that my mindset is set on let's live in the moment and think about the future what it becomes the moment, i'm not trying explicity to get into a relationship, yes i like her, but i'm not trying to push her that way.
i'm fine for what it is now, and i feel like if i tell her i'm just gonna make things awkward and than i'll have one good friend less because i fucked up royally.

[btbc92]

You're really not getting it. I know exactly what type of personality you have. I know what your personality is. If I can go on MBTI terms your personality type is very similar to an ISFP. And what I am telling you it's that you like her you better tell her now. Because here is what's going to happen. I knew and since you was going to reply back to what I had said so thank God I thought of what needs to be said to you. If you are not careful oh, she's going to sense that you liked her for quite a while and then she's going to question you. And it's going to come off as antagonistic and you're not going to like it when it turns it's ugly head. I'm telling you as a guarded woman myself so I know where she is coming from. It's not about you pushing her now it's about you going to push her later. Because she's still not going to be ready. How long do you expect her to be ready you are 16 years old you got two more years until you become an adult. Guarded girls like us can take years. And I doubt you're going to want to take years for her. You don't understand that it's about what her needs are. And if her needs are not for somebody like you to be a lover then you will always be a friend. You have to be okay with whatever Choice she chooses and you should not be trying to wait for somebody you are uncertain is going to want you to same way. It will just lead to resentment as I said before.

[btbc92]

You can live in the moment or you want me you got to think about the future and that is her future not just yours. Because what if she tells you no even if she's now ready? Then you go to feel like crap even worse, because you knew this entire time you had feelings for her and yet and still you kept going in hopes she will come around. You don't play games with life like that buddy I've been there when I was that girl. I am now 27 and I'm still single and by myself. Because exactly what she been through. Listen to somebody who had experience in this area and stop trying to push your away. You have no idea the dangerous game you are playing. Cuz you're focusing too much on your feelings and your selfishness that you are not thinking about how she feels, and call it caring. You better seriously look at yourself in the mirror. It ain't about what you feel is about what needs to be done. Because if you don't tell her now one or both of you is going to get hurt and that I promise you. And then you're not going to have no friendship. Be honest and authentic. How can you expect her to trust you and love you if you cannot respect her and love her in return. As an INFJ I know these things these things come naturally to me. You cannot be that way with a guarded girl or woman. We will not open up to you like that. Because we will find every way to say that the relationship is not going to work out and make excuses for it if it is an excuse. And sometimes it's not. Because as mature as she is or appear , she's very insecure of herself and of the people in the things around her. And that what makes her anxious. You really don't know the battles in the struggle she has to do with internally just to survive and to be able to build herself up as the person she is now that you see. And she is afraid of somebody else coming into her life and ready to destroy what she built. So it's best you don't make promises you cannot keep.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 oh i damn well know she also has a choice, i'm quite patient on that front, her choice can become clear sooner or later, i'm perfectly fine with either one, i've had worse things happen in my life.
and yes, i am very used to being alone as i've only had one girlfriend and she said ciao after 2 weeks because essentially she just didn't care enough.
those years don't bother me, tides can always turn and maybe i meet someone else who the fuck knows, i know eitherway that if her choice is not on me i still want to be her friend.

[btbc92]

Every action, every words and every step you take she is going to observe you like a hawk. Yes it means she has a choice but again, you have to let her figure that out for herself. Because of you keep trying to be her friend and hopes again for a relationship down the road, it's going to make her feel like she is obligated and that's not a good thing. You can't treat it like it's nothing because in the end while you may be okay is going to hurt her. And if it's going to hurt her, she's going to cut you off as a friend. You don't want to do that oh, and I know you don't do it intentionally but I'm telling you where you are wrong. Before you end up losing a good friend.

[btbc92]

At the same time you did somebody else nine of the 10 times we're not going to want to be with you at all. Either you're serious about her or she's just an option so it's just as your pick as it is hers. For somebody like me I rather just have closure so I can just move on with my life. I had people who did that to me and I just told him straight off the bat that I am not going to play those games. I've been hurt more than enough times in my life to be where I'm at today, and I do not want her to go through what I went through myself let alone for you either. It's not worth the pain. healthy relationships has to go with something that is solid. If it's meant for you to be together you will be together. And if not, then it will not. Even if you're okay with it, she has to be okay with it too. Otherwise she would not be able to move on with her life because she be stuck on you.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i know of a little bit she's been through, she's told me some things, things i myself had to deal with.
but as of right now i'm just trying to make the best decision with my own judgement, since my own judgement is the one with the most knowledge about this situation.

[btbc92]

The only thing I can tell you is that you better hope your judgment is right. Because of what from what I am sensing she is dealing with a lot of hurt. And her pain is not like the pain you know. It is deep and she has to be willing to be emotionally available for you as a lover not just as a friend. It's not a trivial matter. Because now her heart can get really broken because she put her trust in you emotionally and that's just as worse.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i really don't think of girls as "an option" i don't go about that way, my ex actually made it clear in all of her stupid sentences she tried to just get rid off me with that i was just an option to her, which kinda fucking hurt when you thought you could trust that person.
she just let me fall as if i was just another discardable option so i actually know how that feels.
i've never really thought of girls as an option, and for your context i like her for about a month or 2 now, and so to make it clear to you that she's not just "an option" for me if i heard some guy tried to touch her, hit her, etc without her wanting that you bet your ass i'm one of the first people to go after him.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i don't know her whole life story so i can't know what she's been through or not, i do however know my own uncertainties and where they all come from, i have quite a harsh past and it's one of the reasons i'm much more subtle about things.
i might be borderline anxious to lose people because i've lost quite a bit.
and because of that i do know to an extent that there can be quite a bit of backstory behind her and that's why i'm so damn cautious with my fucking approach.
i don't like losing people especially this way.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik I never said you did. But the mentality you have for life overall. The 'live and let live' and 'go with the flow' cannot work in intimate relationships. That's not how it works. You do not need to tell me who you are, I know what type of person you are and how you come off. Again, going by your personality, you cannot just do that with girls. We don't want a guy, let alone a male friend just step in and he has no real reasons for it. All your actions tell us that you want 'something' from us. You say you like her for a month or two, you should have said something sooner. You wait too late in the friendship to say something, it's not going to make her happy. It will make her question what she did wrong to get you to like her in that way.

So I understand your feelings. But you have to understand how what your saying is, again, coming off selfish. Because see how you speak? Your cautious because you're scared to lose people. That come's off as people pleasing. Don't do that. Trust me, Iv'e been there, I've done that, and where it got me is being bullied, beaten up, harassed and revealing to me who were my real friends and who weren't. You have to know ALL of who she is in and out before you make a decision to want that kind of intimate relationship with somebody. You cannot take it for granted. Her needs are far more than whatyou can give and far outweight what she experienced in the past. She has problems. Serious ones. And you cannot afford to try to fix them. She has to fix it herself, like you need to fix your problems and be confident as a young man.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i'm all but a people pleaser, i just don't want to lose HER, and the go with the flow mentality is more in general, i obtained that through skateboarding since it was the only way to push my boundaries, i can plan ahead and all that shit it's just that i use the go with the flow to push myself out of my comfort zone.
and as far as bullying and beating up goes, i've always been above that, people have tried to bully me and have failed all the time.
i either just won't give a shit but if i do decide to care the bully will feel it.
and YES i know she's going to question that, i have already recognized that my timing is off to say the least.
i originally planned to tell her, but i heard through her best friend (my cousin) some major stuff happened which i'm not disclosing so i just wanted to let her deal with that before i do anything dumb causing her to make irrational decisions because she can't think about them the way she normally would.

[btbc92]

She is not yet confident to be her own woman and be assertive. She is in a turbulent state is dealing with some form of philophobia, which is a fear of love. It's serious. That's why she never went through with the person who she or was pursuing her. She can't handle that. You got to understand that she cares about you ENOUGH to open up to you about her romance problems. But that doesn't mean she is looking for you to step in and be that man for her life. She is seeking a friend. But now that you have feelings for her, your already making it too complicated. Now, everything will message ' I do this because I love you', 'I do this because I love you', 'I DO THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!' See? So where does that spells, a friend does it because he is a friend that cares? Somebody will see what she is not seeing and says 'hey, your male friend over there, likes you more than a friend, wake up.' And pop goes your plan and then you'll be forced to own up then it's going to be really embarrassing. That's how I found out my close friend liked me because our other friend had a crush on him and he didn't like her, told her, and got mad at me for something I didn't do. He had a crush on me for years and never told me. I was really shocked and upset. Because now I had to straighten it out with him about what I wanted and that is to be friends because we are not compatible. And I do not want to see your friendship go wrong because you want to protect your feelings and emotions over her own. Yes, think about yourself, but if you say you like her, you have to think about where she is coming from also.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 the reason she didn't pursue after the other guy was not because she "fears love" it's because he tried to use her CAUSING this whole mess.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik Do something dumb? It's too late now, you got feelings for her. That's the point. Regardless of what is going on in her life NOW, in the present, its what's going to be in the future. Is this the future she wants out of this friendship? That's what matters in the end. Can she see YOU as a lover? Period. Because not everybody is keen on the idea of dating friends. That's why some if not most girls go after strangers to date. It gets too messy.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i know what kind of girl she is, if someone made her realize i like her, and she asks me 1 it would be between us 2 and 2 i would fess up to it and why i hid it.
i'm not scared of fessing such things up.
and this is less like a plan and more like a desperate attempt to not fuck up a friendship and MAYBE a really slight slim chance of something more which i'm already doubtfull of.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik That is a fear of love. Why do you think she told you that she wasn't ready for that. I know why she is like that. That's why I am celibate now. Because every guy was just trying to use me.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik Do you really hear yourself?

"and this is less like a plan and more like a desperate attempt to not fuck up a friendship and MAYBE a really slight slim chance of something more which i'm already doubtfull of." If you already think like this, you already lost. It's not about the friendship. So stop it already. This is about you and HER. YOU wanting HER. And HER right now is scared and vulnerable right now in that area, and you have to make it known what you want. Because either way, she is going to protect her heart from anybody who tries to get close to her in that way. You need to read the signs.

[btbc92]

She doesn't want any guy, even if it means you getting close to her in that way. She wants to feel safe. She wants to feel comfortable. And she wants some peace of mind. The last thing she needs or wants is for somebody she trusts and gave her emotions to tell her he wants a relationship with her. If she is getting like that now, the problem already started. And its a habit hard to break. That means she's going to start rejecting ever guy. And you're not exempt. That's what we guarded girls do. Some just handle it a bit differently.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 it's not the mess i started.
i might have fucked up in my own way but i didn't put her guard up that high.
that's what the other guy did.
what i'm gathering though is that you fail to recognize that i find her needs & safety more important than my own it's what i do.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik It's not what you started. Its how it's going to end. I am reading it EXACTLY what you're saying. I knew you were going to say that. That's why I told you. Its OKAY for her to be guarded. Let her do what she feels is right for her. And stop worrying about something you cannot do anything about. It's not about the other guy. It's about what you choose to do now. And as I said before. She doesn't want any guy to like her romantically. AT all. And you cannot expect or force her to let her guard down. You owe her nothing. She owes you nothing.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 I FUCKING KNOW THAT AND THAT'S WHY I'M NOT TELLING HER IF I TELL HER NOW SHE'S GONNA KEEP QUESTIONING AND DO EXACTLY WHAT NO ONE WANTS IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO PREVENT.

[btbc92]

So either you move on and find another girl to like, or else your going to continue to be on this rollercoaster ride. Even or myself. I don't care if its a friend or not, I don't even want a relationship. And I got hurt just like she did. And that is from years and YEARS of that. Years of emotional abuse and somebody telling me nobody is going to want me because of who I am as a person and where my standards lay. You cannot prevent it. There is nothing to prevent except you hiding. And if all your going to do is hide, then look, move on to another girl. Please. For your sanity and hers.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 my sanity has been lost years ago when i got into middle / high school.
for myself i have nothing to lose, i'm just trying to be the best friend i can possibly be for now and see what comes of it, based on how she acts i'm gonna make a decision for myself what to focus on more.
skateboarding or smth else.
the answer most likely being skateboarding whatever the 2nd option may be at the time of decision making.

[btbc92]

By you hiding that, you're going to make it a reality of self-fulfilling prophecy. This is your problem. This is not her problem. You already have a problem, and why does she need all of that emotional toxicity you got going on? You're not stable emotionally either. Figure out how serious you are about this girl. Being fickle isn't going to get you anywhere. She is not going to chew your head off when you tell her. She will understand how you feel and maybe consider it later on.

[btbc92]

Because you're hiding behind friendship. You should be able to trust her enough with your feelings too. Because if you cannot do that. There's no point in having a relationship.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i've had my own set of fucked up things happen in life, it's why i'm so unstable and not understanding with girls.
i don't know how to handle shit with them.
yes i'm quite serious about her, yes i know she won't bite my fucking head off.
but do i really want to go through this again? no i actually don't because most likely i'm gonna hear the "i just wanna be friends" talk and i've heard such things a lot and i really don't like those talks because what they essentially mean is i'm gonna ignore you for 5 months and maybe just maybe we can start talking normally again after that.

[btbc92]

Look how Brave she isn't telling you what she went through. If she can be brave and forgo her negative emotions, you can do the same too.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i trust her with my feelings yes but as previously stated i don't feel like i wanna go through that again.
we've talked about deep things before, things i would only be able to say specific people.

[btbc92]

If you don't want to go do this again then you need to end it and just find somebody else like I told you before. See, no no no no no no no no. What you're doing is wrong and that is not how you treat a person. That person is not being mean by telling you the truth about what they want. They telling you about what they need in the meantime. The last person that did that to me I cut them off for good and I want nothing to do with them. That's why I told you that comes off as very selfish

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 you don't get that i really don't want to have those talks, not for selfish reasons but because i know those talks mean more than they show on the surface.
those talks have always consisted of "let's be friends" but acted more like "i'd rather not speak to you in 5 or 6 months and maybe i might speak to you after that"

[Gopnik]

and i just really don't wanna force her to go through such talks as right now they're very unnecessary.

[btbc92]

I do get it! But that shows me your not a man. That is a coward. If somebody treated me like that, which did happen to me before, guess what, they are no longer my friend. I rather move on. It is selfish. It's not about what you do t like. It's what makes a relationship. That is how you communicate. And I just don't think your really ready for a serious relationship if that is your attitude. No woman no offense wants to deal with a man who refuse to communicate. She will move on the next man and you will be alone.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 well guess what i really don't care about.
what people think of me.
FUCK that.
i do what i think is the best option and i do not give a flying fuck whether or not you see me as a real "man" because for all i care you define shit as a man.

[btbc92]

You think your the only one who feels like that. NOBODY in the world wants those talks. However, it's what an adult must do. It's what an adult must deal with everyday. It's what married couples have to strive with every single day of their lives. Thats a relationship. Hurt feelings and all, you must communicate. Because no communication is a breakdown on the relationship. Guy's like you get women and girls like me hurt.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i'm fairly done with this because as of right now you're blaming things on me.
i'm the one hurting girls?
i'm not here sitting around seducing girls just to have 'em for one night and than make them wonder why i'm gone the next day and how i used them.
that's not what i am doing here, you can stop right now because you know very well you're blaming your hurt feelings on me because you can't face them head on.

[btbc92]

That's why I told you if you don't care what I have to say say or think about you in that manner again you don't need to be in a relationship. You making it out like it's all about her and you know darn well that is not the truth. This is about you not wanting to take a step up as a man and actually do what you have to do as one. How in the world she going to rely on somebody like you and this is how you act? I can already see how if God forbid you both ended up in a relationship it would have been a disaster. It would always be an argument about something and then you're going to want to run away because it's getting too emotionally heated for you, and you won't be able to deal with the criticism. And then she's going to feel hurt and Destroy because she can't no was going on with your mind and how you really feel, and then she's going to feel like she's a problem. Who wants to deal with that drama! By you behaving that way you going to push somebody away.

[btbc92]

I know you are done with it because you don't want to see it is you. I can face them head-on to tell you the truth because everything you're saying is exactly what my clothes first ex-husband did to her and that's what ended up their divorce. I am not telling you didn't dust what type of person you are. I'm telling you that because you refused to be honest about how you feeling be authentic as a man, you going to end up hurting this girl. And you're focusing too much about your feelings and how you want things to be that you don't say that it doesn't work that way in real life. This is not fiction this is real life. I am blaming you for how you choose to handle this situation. She doesn't need all that. She needs you to be a stable pillar and a force in her life. You're hurting her with your emotions.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 you know what fuck off.
just fuck right off.
i'm not continueing this dumb shit.
i know more about my own capabilities and ways of handling arguments and critism than you do.
if all you're gonna do is try to stomp me into the ground this conversation is fucking done.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 can you now stop making a fuss about a situation YOU HAVE 30% OF THE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT.

[btbc92]

I'm not here trying to stomp you on the ground. I'm telling you to stop being stubborn. I know what you're capable of and I know that with the right guidance you be able to have a good relationship with her if that is what she wants. But I am telling you right now this is not a good way of handling things and you just don't want to hear that. I don't need you to be so disrespectful because you don't like what needs to be said from an adult. You are a teenager that is still learning to become a young man of your own stature and abilities. I have more than enough knowledge to know what is going on. You don't have to tell me all the stuff that is happening in her life for me to know these things. If I didn't know what I was talking about I would not be talkin about it. Do whatever it is that you like and what you feel is right to do for yourself. But do not say I never warned you.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 if you don't know how i got in this place, you can't put the blame on me for liking her, that's all i'm fucking saying.

[btbc92]

You got in that place because you're emotionally sensitive, and you want to have good relationships with people and you're not the type of person that wants to hurt others. But sadly others take you for granted for who you are as a person because they are unappreciative. I know you don't do it because you just want to get things from other people. But you have to understand something. Relationships needs communication. She values you as a person more than anything else right now. But you're not understanding this. Relationships are not about you. It's about the other person. And she is a person who has been hurt so badly that she needs a man who can emotionally be able to withstand the test of time and actually be the strengths that she needs. You like her because she did not treat you like how others have treated you. She treated you like a person.

[btbc92]

She is unique and different and full of life and spirit. He was kind and has no ill intentions towards anybody and has similar qualities and characteristics as you do. Almost like a soulmate. You think I don't know?

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 YES and for that i would be able to give TIME.
but the uncertainty is that it might not be worth it but that's at least time alright spent as a friend.
and for what she needs, i would be willing to at least try to give her those things, for one thing i know she's suffered from depression and went as far as to cut herself.
i've suffered through the same thing for about 2 years, and i know how to handle such a thing as to not fall back, it's just one example and of course that's not enough but it's just one example, and yes no one will be able to give her ALL the things she might need but you can;t help but at least want to try, either as a friend or a lover.

[btbc92]

I had guy friends like you before. Especially when I was close to and grew up with since elementary school. He was very much like you. Acted very scarily like you too. He never like violence or to be criticized for how he felt. Very independent and firm with his beliefs. And that's what I liked about him as a friend because I felt the same way. And you always got bullied because he was more emotionally sensitive than other guys. But he wasn't mostly sensitive because others thought he acted like a girl. That was just uniquely him but he was very much a young boy who is more empathetic towards others. When he started getting bullied things started to shake his self esteem. I was the only friend that he really had a fully understood what was going on around him, and defended him from others who did not like him even though I was going through my own struggles. And guess who I ended up realizing he fell for? Me. I never blamed him for how he felt towards me. But I was upset that he never told me how he really felt.

[btbc92]

The same way that I'm telling you it's the same way she's going to feel. I'm not telling you to not try. But I am telling you do not wait. Once she knows how you really feel then you have all the time you both need to really get to know each other as both as friends and as potential lovers. You don't have to date each other right away. But as long as you both know how you really feel towards each other, it would give both you and her a piece of mind.

[btbc92]

You won't have to worry or feel anxious if that other person designs the same thing you do you already got your answer. And that's all I'm trying to tell you. Allow her to have an answer so that she can give you an answer. And it matter what answer she gives you just love her even if you must just love her as a friend. That is better than nothing. At least it shows that you have respect for her wishes. And it will allow her to be set free from the bondage of hurt so that she won't have to think that every man is an enemy. And it will allow you to have the freedom to be able to love freely without having to fear.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 the difference is that i don't go out of my way to help people unknown to me in that way, yes a drowning person ofcourse but not in the emotional way.
i have always been the "leader" of my group of friends, because i used to be the one who did not care.
if anyone tried to bully me or a good friend of mine i'd be on top of it and if he didn't stop he'd just get it.
that's how it went for me.

[btbc92]

Yes you two are both different people but you still have the same personality. Therefore you both function the same way. Why do you think I'm telling you all of this? I'm trying to make it easier on the both of you. All that uncertainty is not healthy and you do not want to start a relationship like that. I always make it very clear even towards male friends that if they feel anything towards me, do not hesitate to tell me anyting. I would rather know now then you wait later on. I find it very disrespectful when somebody tries to hide how they really feel towards me cuz it will make me think they don't really like me. And start making me assuming bad things about them that may not be true. You have to tell her anyway because you need to know whether or not she is open into dating friends. As I said before some girls are not willing to date a front because they don't want all the complications. That is not me. I believe in being with somebody who already knows you and have some things in common.

[btbc92]

Like I said before you don't have to rush into dating right away. But at least she won't think you're behaving weird. And you won't have to be self-conscious every time you try to be affectionate with her. You can't develop anything if you don't say anything.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 as stated the reason i haven't said it yet is because her focus lies elsewhere.
from the beginning when we first met my cousin had asked her in private what she thought of me and she made it clear that i was a friend to her FOR NOW. (her litteral words) aka she considered it.
i know from my cousin this would take time if i wanted to pursue it.
and yes i do have quite some similarities in the way i function with her.
in terms of what i used to do and what my interests were / are too.
but it's just that because she made it so blatantly clear it's not her focus it's why i'm so confused, because on one hand we've got what she told me, and what she told me cousin, basically making clear there's a consideration even if it's so slightly that.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i'm going to hang out with her Friday (we're gonna smoke weed yes i know the usual thing bad habit all that) but knowing me i might say something, i get quite open and emotional on weed sometimes.
if i do i do and i'll see what happens, if not I don't know we'll see sooner or later.

[btbc92]

See, I really don't like that. I hate it when other people want to butt into my personal affairs when that person should just tell me that himself. Cuz now I start to lose respect for that person who says they have feelings for me. Yes her Focus maybe elsewhere but again if you don't say anything she's going to think you really don't like her in that your cousin is just bull jiving. That's where the confusion came in because your cousin got in the middle of it and he should stay out of it. Never, ever try to have somebody try to be your wingman. Ever. Because if that's the case your cousin should just date her not you. I do not want a person who cannot come up to me and tell me himself what he really wants.

[btbc92]

And please do not use the weed you're going to definitely be screwing up. Talk about awkward.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 my cousin is a girl.

[btbc92]

Girl or guy, you should have kept her out of it. Now you already made your friend suspicious.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 and no it wasn't a wingman type situation.
more a oh what'd she say about me?

[btbc92]

Yeah, no. That's not respectful of her feelings. That's how some girls end up losing respect for the guy. Because now what she's going to think is " why is his cousin asking me if I like him that way?" Sounds like to me she already knows you have feelings for her.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 I don't know why she would be suspicious.
we had hung out about 2 times and to me the things we did felt more like we were dating (which we obviously weren't) so i just asked what'd she say about me?

[btbc92]

No point in hiding now. She would feel suspicious because it's not a day unless you tell her that it's a date otherwise she's going to think you're just going out as friends. That's why you got to verbally communicate what you are after. It makes us confused.

[btbc92]

And so she said it like that to your cousin , I don't know. That doesn't sound too good. See sees you as a friend for now. With emphasis on the for now? Yep she's watching your every move.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i'm already confused as fuck so i couldn't really make an effort to make it even more so.
the real reason i did that is to just get an understanding of where i stand, because on one hand it might seem great but you don't know and you don't know whether you want to take such a big fucking risk and blow it all in under 2 days.
and you don't really ask someone hey come date me after 2 days if you just found out they had a bad experience 3 months prior which she wasn't over at the time (now she is)

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i don't even know if that was a positive thing or not.

[btbc92]

So do you think being fake is going to make things any better? It doesn't matter when you tell what matters is that you tell her. Just because it happened the way it did it doesn't mean that you just did this and how you feeling and not think! You want to know why you're so confused that because you're not thinking. Now all your plans already ruined it's going to happen a lot sooner than you think. And it sounds like to me is right around the corner

[btbc92]

Trying to get somebody to tell how the other really feels about them is never a good thing. It's not positive. It may work for some people. But for personalities like you me and her always ends up in an awkward situation.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i am very much the type to procrastinate especially with this, so even if it is around the corner, at least it would make me fess up, even if it's in such a delightful manner.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 this stuff is always awkward, and if she asks me if i like her yes that's awkward but that's something that would at least trigger me to fess up and be honest.

[btbc92]

Yeah I know. Procrastinations is part of your personalities resume. You can't say I never told you so. Knew this was going to happen.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 at least if it happens in the way you say it will i will have no choice but to fess up.

[btbc92]

Just don't think of it as a negative thing that's the last thing she don't need. What matters is that you're honest. When she see that your honest then she'll be able to respect how you feel. And it won't be as difficult as you try to make it. The longer you try to hide the tougher it becomes.

[Gopnik]

@btbc92 i don't find it hard to be honest, as long as i'm not the one starting that it wouldn't be too hard for me.
it's just that i can't "pop" myself into that.
whenever someone starts talking like that it's easy for me to switch into that and talk honestly instead of speaking ironic dumb shit.

[btbc92]

Well you can't look at it like that. That's not the type of person she is. She just wants an honest relationship and if you say that you can do that, just do it. That's all you got to do.

[Gopnik]

I can do that but I don't know if she wants that with me

[btbc92]

You won't know that unless you try. It doesn't have to be now but at least you won't have to hide it anymore. Just tell her from the heart that's what matters. It's what's in your heart. What does your heart want?

[Gopnik]

There was a time when we used to talk every single day and we talked very long and sometimes very deep

[btbc92]

See what you just told me right there. Tell her that!

[Gopnik]

Well it wants a relationship which is unachievable without saying it.

[Gopnik]

But btbc92 don't forget that the odds that the weed Friday is gonna make me extremely honest and emotional is quite high so the chance is there that i won't even think about it and just do it

[btbc92]

And you know why is unachievable? It's unachievable because you choose to do nothing. And you only making your own mountains that is hard to climb. And you're blind to see that. You don't need stinking weed for that because all that's going to be talkin is the weed it's not going to be your heart talkin. So who is she going to be dating? The weed or you?

[btbc92]

She needs to hear from your heart not the weed. She already showed you her heart do not be afraid to show yours.

[Gopnik]

Me but the weed just opens me up. It makes me say what i want.

[Gopnik]

But what did you want me to tell her?

[btbc92]

No, you using that as a crutch. I want you to tell her exactly what you just told me now. How there was a time when you used to talk every single day and it used to be long and be deep conversations. And then you take it from there. That is what she needs to hear. Because the weed cannot do that for you only you can.

[Gopnik]

I guess but it will be significantly harder without that since i find opening up extremely hard

[Thessa]

This conversation is going way too far haha

[coachTanthony]

Yes please take to DM !

[Thessa]

Please

[btbc92]

Hey! This is the true test of your feelings. Either it's real or it's fake. Thats what makes it worth it.

And sorry @Thessa, very disrespectful towards you. I apologize.

[Thessa]

No but like it’s really intense for what because once you felt like that so you think you understand that girl and what she needs?

[btbc92]

I know what she needs. She needs something real and she needs to know that what people feel for her is just as real. She doesn't need to live a life of disappointment. I should know. It becomes very depressing.

[Gopnik]

Well thessa to be quite honest she isn't too far off.
She definitely has some problems but if i were to describe her: sweet and mature from the outside but hurt from the inside that's quite clear

[btbc92]

She needs to know that she is enough and that she doesn't deserve any less than what she really needs. Everybody deserves to be loved. But what they don't need is to be used for their kindness.

[btbc92]

Yep. Sounds just like me. Top main reasons why I chose to never date anybody.

[Thessa]

Well I’m going through that same shit right now and I don’t think at all like you , so maybe you should stop telling him how to be and what to do because this is you maybe you’re a girl but we’re not all the same

[Gopnik]

Well i don't think her telling me to be upfront is too bad

Oh and by the way if it all depended on me and it did go anywhere depending on me that relationship would absolutely last untill death (i'm quite dedicated once i'm set)

[btbc92]

The point is you're handling it a lot differently, your reasons maybe your reasons but only you really know what your reasons are. But he already made it clear that she also smokes weed. And I know people who does smoke weed. It's often done to hide their problems. I don't agree with that, and I definitely wouldn't smoke that myself. But for her she definitely has a lot going on for herself and that is why I am trying to tell him how to handle the situation appropriately so that both can achieve what they want.

[Gopnik]

I really just want to have a relationship with her so that i can make her happy since that's all i want

[btbc92]

@Gopnik I believe you. You have the drive for it, don't lose it.

[Thessa]

Yeah but you said you were Christian Right?

[Gopnik]

I have the drive i just don't know if she wants to accept it

[Gopnik]

I'm an atheist

[btbc92]

Of course, I am. Just because I am Christain, it doesn't mean I don't know these things. These insights come from God, and when he leads me to say something, it never goes wrong. That's how my friends whether their secular or Christian end up in good relationships. I have it harder because let's face it. I was told more than enough no guy is going to want somebody like me because I refused to be sexual before marriage. That I wouldn't make a good wife, girlfriend or mother and that crushed me. I wanted to be friends first and do exactly what @Gopnik wants with his friend now. But they never wanted that with me. They just wanted my pants.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik She was asking about me.

[Gopnik]

Didn't know but i'm going to sleep now and ill see what my dumbass brain thinks about it in the morning

[btbc92]

After that, I said I was done. My family life was dysfunctional, my mother got sick with MS and then died of cancer. I was her caregiver and raised 3 st bernard dogs on my own. I never went to college and be able to have a life of my own. I went through my own hell. I could have god forbid ended up like her with the weed and all. Who knows. I thank God every day I didn't. I held on to my values. But for her, again with philophobia and being guarded it's tough to reach a person like that being hurt. Just her direction of the hurt is different. For me, it's leaving it in God's hands. For her its with the weed.

[btbc92]

@Gopnik Goodnight. Don't stress yourself too much about it. Like I said before. If it's meant to be, it will be. Enjoy your early summer.

[lovedejj_xo]

The friend zone is very real stay in your place. Lol

[Iwant2kno]

Yes, I agree! The friendzone does exist! 😊👍🏼

[Iwant2kno]

I have to disagree with your update. When a woman likes a man, there is no way back. When a woman likes a man as a friend, he is friend zoned. The majority of women automatically know based on the physical attraction they have for a man. So 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️ I continue to think it exists. 😊

[coachTanthony]

That’s not the friend zone that’s just you not liking the guy more than a friend because you are not attracted to him.

[Iwant2kno]

Huh! 🤔 All this time, I had assumed that is the real meaning. But given that I’m obviously ignorant about and if you don’t mind me asking, would you please explain in detail what does it mean to be friend zoned according to you?

[coachTanthony]

Man meets woman and woman likes the guy romantically. Man doesn't give off any signs of liking her in that way. So her attraction goes away and they end up being friends. To her he is like one of her girlfriends. For him he will always be trying to get up the nerve to make a move.

He is now in the Friend Zone and blames her for said Friend Zone. Goes back to my update. Most men don't make it known how they feel but blame her. He put himself there... it's not her fault.

[Iwant2kno]

😮 ohhh that makes perfect sense now! Thank you for explaining @coachTanthony 😀👍🏼. And I’ll take my initial answer back too 😄

[Iwant2kno]

Thank you for the MHO @coachTanthony ! 😊👍🏼

[ret04]

You stated the the friendzone doesn't exist and then proceeded to explain how it does in fact exist. It's a concept. Therefor it exists. Do people put you in the friendzone, or do you put yourself in the friendzone? Could be either, but I don't really see what difference it makes. Nobody wants to be there, so how can you blame them? Courage and self-respect are in short supply.

[coachTanthony]

I guess my next book should be about the friendzone!

[LoU_Hades]

I have slept with all my female friends and I didn't initiate that. I think there is always a little bit desire in true male / female friendship.
Other guys mean that friendzone is just a backup plan of girls, but I think they didn't have a real female friend, because a backup guy is never a real friend for a woman.

[pervertedjester]

It's there to an extent. Guys get bogged down with that term though. You gotta think of it as more of a "Contact Zone" because as it turns out... Women know other Women. So if a guy keeps his cool whilst being rejected and becomes an actual friend to her, she's more inclined to set her friends up with him. That's the "Friend Zone" in my opinion, because Women like playing matchmaker for their Friends.

[Liam_Hayden]

Of course it exists, but it is entirely mental and voluntary. Men and women who are "friendzoned" choose to remain "friends" with a person for whom they have romantic inclinations in the 99% fruitless hope that one day it will happen.

The easiest escape? Leave the mental prison. It is all up to you.

[GuidoThePizzaMaker]

Authenticity is important, if you become friends just to get sex, you will get neither friendship or sex.

[sean1234]

I disagree. If a girl doesn't like me, she doesn't like me no matter what.

[Giggletr0n]

Yeah of course it exists but it's just a state of mind that the rejected person places themselves into

[DDpsy]

Hmmm

[Anonymous]

Women might act fool or be dishonest but they know when a loser wants more.

Nothing stops them from making the loser take all the fault instead of giving him a push because, who in her right mind has dreams of dating or being with a weakling?

I don't blame women for rejecting the guy but for guilt tripping him with false hope shit even as they know well what is going on, right from the beginning. Specially those with more experience.

[Anonymous]

You're saying a guy can let her know he's attracted to her throughout every exchange they have (flirting, talking about sex, even directly saying he likes her), and a girl would never say "I like you as a friend"

i call bs

[coachTanthony]

So if she states that she only likes you as a friend then that to you is the friend zone?

[Opinion Owner]

it is the definition of the friend zone. you can't romantically pursue her

[coachTanthony]

You can’t because you would make a better friend then lover?

[Gopnik]

and i'm more so trying to prevent a complete and total mess.
i don't want her to have to deal with that, if it's not gonna go both ways, i'm not even gonna wanna say anything if i'm not 99% sure.

[MisterAnon69]

It definitely does, my girlfriend thinks so too as a girl. You do put yourself there but the girl will take notice of it and remember you as "in the friend zone". People can read behavior, touch barrier, confidence, exasperation etc.

[crazy8000]

For some are the friendzone unbreakable when they put someone there. but for those that assume they are friendzoned is due to themselves putting themselves there in their own mind.

[Bmories99]

Been there too often and way too long. Always seemed the nice guy but I see you more like a brother than a lover.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes i agree with you Friendzone does exist , have experienced many times.

[WildNekoWolf]

Aye! It does exist. Never been there myself, but I know someone who has.

[Anonymous]

Of course it exists! What's up fo debate is whether you can escape it or not.

[Giggletr0n]

You totally can, it's just a place that you put yourself into. You can escape but you will most likely still be a friend and nothing more - what you are escaping is how you view that rejection.

[Opinion Owner]

@Giggletr0n thanks i wasn't speaking personally i haven't dealt with that in like a yr. And i'm long over it now. :)

[Opinion Owner]

Coach you're making a lot of assumptions. Here's why you're wrong. The last woman i asked out i had known for 2 years before i asked her out. I didn't friendzone myself. For two years i never consideredher anything but a friend. Then she showed me a different side of her which caused me to look at her in a different light. It had nothing to do with courage and everything to do with lack of interest.
Also the simple yrith is some women are flakey. One woman on here told me she gives a guy 2 weeks to make a move and after that she loses all interest. To take such a black and white approach to people is silly and screams egotistical.

[coachTanthony]

Okay then you were just friends. She didn't PUT YOU in the Friend Zone. Men can be friends with women they are not interested sexually.

Not sure what you are trying to say. There will always be "one offs" like yours that doesn't fit the mold but for the most part the Friend Zone is a psychological place in which you put yourself when you behave like a friend with the person you like, because you don't have the courage to behave otherwise.

[MarketData]

Sure, I mean why do you think Buffy never slept with Xander?

[dummyoof]

I feel bad for it but yeah I friend zoned this girl who I could tell from the start liked me just from the way she acted around me

[ecfresh]

“Fake News” :)

[coachTanthony]

Ha Ha Ha