Boyfriend cheated, I forgave & stayed and now I just feel angry all the time?

[Anonymous]

this will hopefully not be too lengthy

but i found out by the girl who he cheated on me with, i had her on instagram and somehow we started talking. i knew they fucked but i didn’t know the timeline of things (duh, ofc my boyfriend “forgot” when it happened) so then i asked her if she could just tell me when it was. she was super kind and gave me a phone call and told me the dates but wanted to make it sound in a way that they weren’t anything serious and they both were just trying to fuck. but then she gave the days when it happened — of course it was valentine’s day! and the next day i went to the hospital because of what i thought was a miscarriage. and the night before he just happened to be fucking another girl. she sent me pictures with him in it, and they had been talking for a month after that happened. me and him broke up in May 2018. they talked for a month in Feb. 2018. we broke up in May ‘18, but got back together in December ‘18. we’ve been together since then but i just found out he cheated on me last year.

i keep having dreams about this and everyone around me is telling me to forgive him and stay with him because he’s a different person now and he loves me so much. but i feel the spark is gone now. i’ve been through so much shit w/ him I don't know what to feel

Updates

+1 y

I should have left him when my intuition told me to. He ended up raping me twice.

[ChurchOfIron]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I really am. I'm sure that does not feel good. And typically, if you're dreaming about something over and over again, that definitely means it's something serious weighing on your mind.

But. I'm assuming that is the father of your child. And, if you are basing your relationship with your family based on whether or not there is a "spark", then it was doomed to failure from the beginning, as that's an inherent misunderstanding of what relationships are supposed to be. There's a reason it's called the honeymoon phase, ya know? That's only hormones--it isn't love.

That said, naturally, it's up to you whether or not you can forgive him. A lot of people think of cheating as the single most unforgivable thing that could ever happen. I don't think that way. I think that there is magic in sincere forgiveness--both for the person being forgived, and the person forgiving.

I also think that forgiveness is a much more important trait than a "spark", in a relationship. At least, if one wants it to be maintained. You will be fucking up, in the next 60 years. Whichever person you get with will be fucking up, too

But, it doesn't matter what I think. This is a pretty big deal, for you. It's really something you have to think about and discover on your own. Is all the pleasantness gone? What future do you want to have? For you, for your baby.

As for how to forgive. That's a good question, and a hard one to answer. I guess I would think it revolves around acceptance. And, in this case, determining whether or not you see a future with him.

[coachTanthony]

Stuff like this will eat at your soul every day. You will never GROW closer to a cheater just move farther away in mind, spirit, and self worth.

It doesn't matter if he is a different person now or has changed, what matters is your love for him is GONE. You are now just staying out of guilt because you have been through so much shit with him and the fact that he has now somehow a terrific guy.

You have to ask yourself... do you deserve better or do you deserve to just settle? Most people settle because they have no confidence in themselves that they are worthy of more. Don't be a statistic.

MOVE ON!

[Brookie1212]

Well put

[roxy_362]

First off, I am sorry about your ordeal, especially the episode of hospital visit where you thought having a miscarriage. These things are never easy.

The story with your boyfriend is no less pleasant. I have been at the receiving end of getting cheated by men, so can relate. The state of uncertainty is normal, and I don’t think anyone can tell you how to feel in such a state. Forgetting and forgiving are different things, so are understanding (the other side) and forgiving. You may understand (to some degree) why he did what he did, and in time you might even find in your heart to forgive him, if you feel that he truly changed and what happened was a thing of the past. But, you will probably never forget, which is at the center of spark being gone.

At the end, this remains being your story, where everyone else, even, oddly, your boyfriend, are supporting actors. So, we all can tell you, with the best intentions, to leave him or to forgive him, and it is possible he has genuine remorse. But, the final response will still come from your heart. No one can shape that, but you.

[roxy_362]

I just read your update. I am so sorry about what happened. Myself being a victim of rape by men, I can certainly relate. Please feel free to write back if you'd like to talk to a woman with an experience like yours.

[AuroraRoseat]

I think you know what you want. I think you can't forgive him and simply won't be able to trust him because of what he did... which is okay.

Sure, he's a "different person"--he would have to be in order to keep you. That doesn't mean his change is genuine and why did he need to cheat in order to realize that he loves you?

I feel that you're angry because you're stuck in this situation that you don't want to be in with a person that you don't trust. I feel it's better for you to leave him for good---and make him realize that he should have loved you better and more before he decided to go off with someone else.

[Logorithim]

You should never forgive a cheater except perhaps if you have kids with the cheater. This guy is a jackass and you never should have given him a second chance.

[lightbulb27]

you are a normal human!:) to be clear, he hasn't cheated on you again since got back right? So this is a wound from the past haunting you now, which is how emotional wounds work. no wonder... how can you trust, if you dont know. it's a real leap of faith.

So try to base that faith of trust in him on some better foundation. talk to him and find out how and why he changed? people do change, but they should be able to explain why. if he hasn't changed, then this is a short spell before he goes back to the old pattern and that is what you fear.

you may need therapy to process that emotion and put in perspetive. he may need to do more to ensure security. lets be honest... cheating, honestly, trust... is a high value for you. have someone who has good discernment with you when he explains why he is a new person. It's hard to see clearly when in relationship.

[thomual]

This is a tough question. As a guy, I empathize with him and say you should forgive him. But i have also been cheated on and i know that hurts.

There are a few things that matter. How serious were you when it happened? Did he lie? Can you trust him? Is he still lying to you about things? Do you even really know him at all or just the fake lies he has presented himself as? Does he really love you in a selfless way or only for what he can get from you?

I cheated once. My reasons were she kept breaking up with me and made doubt she was serious.

[Glue-Sniffer]

This will never change because the trust is gone forever. You need to break up and get rid of this toxic person. He will bring you down and make you feel miserable as long as he stays in your life. You can find another guy who isn't a cheater. Don't destroy your life for this pathetic person.

[Therisinghero12]

You can't have a healthy relationship without trust, and he broke that trust multiple times, that's on him, and it's your choice to make decisions to secure your happiness, and if you aren't happy with him you shouldn't stay with him to make everyone else happy.
So it's your call, but if you decide to split things off, don't make excuses, don't shift the blame onto him too much, just calmly say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I just can't trust you anymore, and I don't feel the same I use to; it's been hard on me, so I think it would be best if we split up. Hope you understand"

[theshewolf]

You'll never get over it he ruined your trust in him, everything he says will feel like a lie, you'll wonder if his trip to the store is a trip to see someone else. You'll start to question yourself and how you can be a better woman, was it something you did? Etc its time to let go. I never give cheaters 2nd chances because after the 1st time our relationship is never the same and i resent them and hate having sex after i find out.

[Neelie1x]

Together, breakup, together again, spark is gone, what to do?
Get a hold of yourself, girl, and make up your mind. Don't wallow in self-pity. Maybe you enjoy being mistreated; nothing wrong in that, there are many who do. Maybe you're trolling. Maybe you just wanted to use the word "fuck" repeatedly. I don't know. I'm not wasting my time.

[Butterfly-x]

Do yourself a favour & go slap yourself & wake the fuck up, because sweetie you look like a 🤡

[Asker]

Honestly

[LonewolfMeme]

i think you're angry because you know you'll regret your decision or already do...

[Piteka5]

If you still feel something, and he has changed, you could try, but if you don't feel anything better not deceive yourself (and him).

Those dreams are happening because it troubles you during the day and at night the brain will process it, and it ends up in dreams.

Maybe you could get the spark back if he tried to do some surprise or something like that.

[Scubari]

Been in a similar situation. Trust is paramount, it's no longer there and you resent him for what he did. I'd recommend for you to find someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

[AynonOMouse]

Once someone ruins the trust in a relationship there is no way to get it back. Things will never feel the same again no matter what so you should just leave and cut all contact with him so it doesn't affect your future relationships too much.

[GuidoThePizzaMaker]

This guy is an asshole. Dont stay with him. What disrespect. Leave him. Shame on your friends for telling you to stay with him. Forgive him and then move on.
You obviously dont love him anymore, you dont trust him especially.

[MannMitAntworten]

Kick him to the curb. However, always be suspicious of those willing to volunteer details of their liaisons with your men. They have motives too. I would not trust them either.

[Lgmswolf024]

Dump his ass he doesn't deserve you. You deserve much better. He can fuck a cactus

[Unit1]

You staying with a cheating boyfriend equals to "I am okay with being a girlfriend to a cheating and unfaithful boyfriend, who will keep fucking me over behind my back".

[Seket]

Then leave him. Say goodbye and try moving on with some sports to make the process faster.

[BlacklightShade]

It is difficult to ever trust someone again after that.

[PondyPand]

So you're an idiot basically

[Asker]

lmao. even though it was a year ago? the women i’ve talked to tell me every relationship experiences some sort of betrayal but i’m just kind of like... fuck allat

[PondyPand]

So the women you talk to are idiots too.

[JayParris]

If you feel angry about it all the time, you didn't really forgive him. You just said the words.