Can you see a girl as dating material if you two start off as a casual hookup?

[Anonymous]

Can you see a girl as dating material if you two start off as a casual hookup?

I recently started hanging out with a guy & he told me he's very attracted to me but isn't looking for anything serious, to sum it up we agreed on trying the whole "friends with benefits" thing. This goes against a lot of what I believe in but I'm highly intrigued by him & the feeling is mutual. I'm looking for something more serious than he is but decided to give it a try. I'm not trying to rush anything or pressure anyone into anything. My question is, if & after we do hookup does that ruin any chance of him ever viewing as a girl he'd be in a committed relationship with? Note, I'm treading lightly on the whole situation & we haven't hooked up yet. I'm just looking for some insight from a guys point of view before I proceed.

[SteveSmith1985]

I think this is a bad idea.

First of all, personally, I'm UNLIKELY to see a girl as dating material if we start off as a casual hookup. It's not impossible though.

Now I could be an exception to the rule here... But for me, the reason would be related to what you said about "this goes against a lot of what I believe"

For me a girl who thinks like you do; as in isn't looking for friends with benefits generally... Is ideal.

But then again I AM more looking for something serious.

That brings me to my second point. You should believe a guy when he tells you he isn't interested in something serious. He's usually not lying about it.

You are setting yourself up for all kinds of emotional hurt. If you really like this guy, and your plan is to fuck him until he really likes you back... In my opinion, you've got one terrible plan.

I think you'll find the sex emotionally unfulfilling, and you'll be unhappy with just being friends.

Sex will only make you want the relationship-type thing with him even more than you do now. Whereas he is being super clear about not looking for that.

In a situation like that a guy (any guy) will be able to have sex with you without necessarily wanting the relationship-type bond with you any more than he does right now.

I think counting on this turning into something serious over time if you start off as friends with benefits is a suckers bet.

Sorry... That's just how I see it. I guess it comes down to: you need to be equally honest about what it is you're really looking for. It's not the same thing. If you can't be happy as a friends with benefits, don't ever become one.

[Dongtai]

In my experience, you’re going to end up sleeping with him regardless of what we tell you. My girl friends do this all of the time.

He’s told you he doesn’t want anything serious but still wants to sleep with you. You want something serious and want to sleep with him. The only thing you two have in common is that you want to have sex.

That’s it. No you can’t change his mind. No it’s not ruining your chances because he’s already explicitly told you he doesn’t want anything serious. Why do women do this to themselves? Stop trying to change our minds about you.

If we like you, trust me we will let you know. This man has told you he doesn’t want a serious relationship. He wants to have sex with you. It’s just physical for him. You want emotion but he’s not wanting nor obligated to give it to you. Especially with you knowing he doesn’t want to.

Like I said you will most likely end up sleeping with him. You want him to emotionally acknowledge you and you think by having sexually chem there’s a glimmer of hope there. But don’t blame anyone and especially not him if he never develops feelings for you.

[Apope16]

YES! YES! YES! Absolutely! That has been how most of my relationships have started.

My longest relationships have started out as hookups and I prefer to start out my relationships that way and just have them slowly evolve. It just makes it feel more natural than forced.

[Asker]

Cool, thank you for the input

[Asker]

How long was it casual until it became more serious?

[Apope16]

With one girlfriend it was a four months and then we moved in together. I did not really fall in love with her until about a year later. Her name was Irena.

With the next girl it was a couple of months and then she started leaving a toothbrush at my place. Her name was Caitlin and I fell in love with her pretty much after the first night we had sex.

Most recently, I am dating this girl named Olivia. She started fussing about leaving her toothbrush at my place 1.5 months in. But I dont think I am in love with her.

I would say that on average it takes about 2 months for a woman to fall in love and actually show signs that they are. For me it completely depends on the person and the connection. I can separate casual sex from emotional connection.

Also, I have had sex with about 3 girls for several months and had no feelings for them. It was just about the sex and pleasure. So it is possible to have sex for a long time and feel nothing. But those girls did start to like me I think.

[Asker]

4 months & then you moved in together? That was an extremely fast move lol but okay thanks for the input

[Apope16]

Yes. It was her idea. Her roommate was moving out and I hated my shitty place. So it kind of came together randomly. It was not planned really. We lived together for about a year and a half.. nah. Until we broke up. I wouldn't recommend it but it did make us closer as partners quicker because when you live with someone you learn their quirks so much faster etc.

[Asker]

I get you. I wouldn't move in with someone after 4 months of dating

[Apope16]

Me neither. Its one of those things in life where you want to be a bit wild and do something out of character. But i had to move out of the place I was at. I hated it. Someone was murdered in it and I was creeped out.

[Logorithim]

I don't do hookups, but I could see that happening if I had some good convos with her and thought there was compatibility there.

[TomasLyy]

because you're an old man lol

[Logorithim]

@TomasLyy : LMAO

[0112358]

In answer to your original question: no. Starting as a hookup doesn’t prevent me from considering someone dating material. It might even be a plus. Some men think the same as me, some the opposite. The latter group like random sex but look down on women who do it. I’m not sure why women would actually want a relationship with a man who’d look down on her for doing something sexual with him they both liked but anyway it exists.

The bigger issues are:

- he’s outright saying he doesn’t want anything serious. While there is a chance he’s saying that theoretically and actually could fall for someone, the more likely explanation is he really doesn’t want anything serious. And if he does he might have very different criteria. Which leads to:

- the main reason hookups don’t typically lead to relationships from the guys perspective is that he has different (mainly more specific) criteria for a relationship than a hookup. It’s not even just “different”. Even something like looks, men typically have higher requirements for a relationship. So most hookups, the guy wouldn’t date the girl because she doesn’t meet his “date” standards.

To flip this around, it would be like if a guy wanted to date you, and you said you weren’t ready to date and should just be friends for a while. Him being friends first is not going to blow his chances... but his chances are not very good.

[namino]

In my opinion there are many risk of ruining because you may feel in love and hard to get over and move on but what if he does not truly love you, you will feel more difficult to get over and move on from him.

I used to have texting kind of what you telling.

We almost have relationship like that from only texting but do not put in to behavior.

Cause i have been thinking really hard about many risk of feeling hurt and ruin so i have decided to deny that mutual relationship and be better truly friend without some kind like that.

Hope my counsel of love will help you to consider weather less or more.

Sincerely mate 😊💓

[JackSmy]

"Dating Material"? That's a little degrading, isn't it? What about meeting, and wanting to get to know about a person that maybe makes you smile, and sharing things together?
Dating, should be a natural, next step, to liking someone, and sharing some good times together!
I never meet someone, and think about anything but getting to know her, as a person, and just seeing how we relate! But I have no agenda, no 'plan' to get married, or have kids or anything.
For me, it is just about meeting really amazing people, and sharing quality times together, and then see where it goes! No pressure, no time-line, no expectations!!

[MrNameless]

If you have common interests and like their personality, then yes its definitely possible.

You shouldn't wait for the guy to feel that way though. That's like waiting for your crush who's already in a 3 year relationship to just break up and be with you

[Asker]

Thank you 🙏

[JSmuve]

Sure, it can happen. If I'm hooking up with a girl its because I'm physically attracted to her. But if she can show me that I can trust her, that she's there for me and is emotionally nurturing, we're compatible on lots of things, and I can genuinely be myself around her without any fear of judgment, then it can easily progress into something more.

[Asker]

Thanks for the positive perspective

[djkimo]

Yes. I can turn it on or off when I am hooking up or when I'm with a playmate. For the girl's sake I will turn off my desires for more and just stick to having fun; but if we both talk about having more then I have made the switch from playmates to dating. It doesn't hapoen often; but when you can find an amazing playmate that is also interested in dating it's just a bonus.

[B-radley]

The answer is maybe!

I have friends who started out as casual hook ups that are now getting married. I have others who won't date a girl he slept with on the first date/meet up. 🤷‍♂️

It sounds like you're hoping this could lead to a relationship and it might but he has expressed that he doesn't want serious. He wants casual. You have to be ok with it just staying casual. You're allowed to just want to hook up with him.

I wouldn't expect it to go anywhere, if it does it's a happy surprise.

[ShortCircuit]

Such a situation couldn't possibly come to be in my case, because I do not do casual hookups. However, if a girl approached me for a casual hookup, or even expressed that she wanted to have sex with me too soon in a relationship--I would no longer see her as dating material.

[henta1boii96]

Yes for guys we fall in love easily, and there is a high chance that he starts finding you romantically attractive. How long that takes I'm not too sure. However, I would advise you to hookup with him if it goes against your beliefs. Right now he's looking at you as a sex object, things can change in future but not at this moment

[BirdFan360]

Gonna parrot for a second only because its a common truth that always get swept under the rug of promiscuity. Loyalty will create a bond. Have him be your only friend with benefits and you win!

(Relationships are a bit more work than that, but these payoffs are always bigger than the challenge!)

[TripleAce]

Yes of course... but most often she’s a hook up cause she’s an easy target for sex... that’s why it’s usually unlikely
But sometimes you end up with a hook up partner that is actually what you want a girlfriend too

Then it works yes

[Asker]

Cool 👍

[Didi1337]

It depends on how you react, for instance if you break up, or even decides to go back to friends with benefits, will you or him change how you act and treat eachother? A lot of people distance themselves from their exes, ex-hooks etc. I never have, unless the person was bad for me according to my standards. Like if someone lies or cheats, i tend to break away from them. Otherwise i have no problem beeing friends just days after. I also had a friend who i had sexual intercourse and got emotions for, she felt the same way, but after a week or two we decided to stay friends instead. She did need a short break for 6 months to reset her head again tho. But i waited patiently, she's my best friend after all :)

so what im saying is, it could go both ways, depending on how both of you act before, while together, and after.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Sure why not? As long as she's not compromising her own integrity to do so. If she wanted relationship but "pretended" to be okay being casual, then it will likely blow up in both our faces soon enough. But every girl I dated seriously or semi-seriously was a girl I hooked up with on the first date. The fact we had sex early on was not a factor in my viewing them as girlfriend material; if anything, it probably helped their cases, as we learned early on whether we could be sexually compatible.

[taleswapper]

Funny thing about guys; While we have a rep as "playas", we're actually the opposite. The more intimately intertwined in our lives you are, the LESS likely we are to be willing to let you go. So yeah, you can leverage a friends with benefits relationship in a dating one. Just don't EVER decide that sex is no longer on the table. It's the very SOURCE of the bond between you; trying to exclude it is basically stabbing the relationship in the heart.

[BCA6010]

Well I don't do "casual hookups" in no small part because I find "hooking up" to be a shallow practice. So no.

[Asker]

I agree, it is a shallow practice in some aspects

[6ada6ing]

Tend to know pretty soon whether she's interesting for the long term. But it can start with a hookup.

[Asker]

Thank you 👍

[6ada6ing]

You're most welcome. :)

[jmstarling]

It depends on the person. I'm not into casual sex and can't imagine doing this, but it's hypocritical to not be able to see someone as dating material after hooking up.

[Asker]

How would it be hypocritical?

[jmstarling]

How is it not hypocritical to judge someone as bad for having sex on the first date when it takes two?

[Asker]

Okay, I get you. Good point

[steffel483]

Yes, a man can always see you as dating material. In this situation it looks like he has an eye on you, but he is busy with someone else. THIS IS JUST WHAT I THINK, SO IT COULD BE DIFFERENT

[JeremyT]

It actually the best way to fall in love, being intimate to slowly discover the other and if everything is aligns you can build something serious.

[Asker]

Thanks

[rjroy3]

Possible but unlikely. That said, it's really all about how the both of you feel about eachother. Where you're at in terms of what you want and what you are ready to have in a relationship context.

[winterfox10]

It wouldn't ruin her chances of becoming something more with me, but I wouldn't have any reason to pursue something more with her. I'm already getting sex with her, and the freedom to do whatever I want, so it's kinda like... why would I bother?

[cavmanier]

This situation makes me think he likely sees you as lower than what he deserves. It can work out if you're lucky but you'll have to beat out the other girls he's sleeping with.

[Asker]

Damn

[cavmanier]

Sorry that's it's kind of harsh. That's a good sign that you didn't react with anger though (you might be a keeper).

If you think about it though many more guys want casual sex than women (we'd both agree I think). So men statistically have to take what they can get due to the greater difficulty. Girls are generally more picky about guys they'll do that with. What this can lead to is the most desirable guys (your guy maybe) being able to have his casual sex with multiple women. That isn't always the case, but he may just want to sleep around and maybe if you're the lucky one, you'll could be his pick one day.

[Asker]

😆 I don't know man. I'm treading lightly on the whole thing

[cavmanier]

How long have you been hanging out?

[Mossberg500]

I don't know I'm kind of the jealous type. I prefer girls that make me wait a little while (Not too long of course.) If it was a quick hook-up I may cause me to be more suspicious and that wouldn't be a good start to any relationship.

[Chamberskevins]

No. Im only going to get intimate with someone I have feelings for.

[Anonymous]

Depends on her history. If I'm her first or it was a very unusual circumstance then okay. But if this is something she has done before, especially if it's with anything even remotely approaching regularity, then I'm grossed out.

[GuidoThePizzaMaker]

I tried this with my ex
She is my ex because we had sex way too quickly and a year in she realized she didn't love me

[TomasLyy]

Yes, yes and yes.

Listen girls you're not slutty if you fuck first night. If guys are looking for someone to date they'll date you if not they won't call you up. Lot of the time guys get attached to their booty calls and it'll be unrequited

[FakeName123]

I don't do hookups, but if I did then it would instantly disqualify her.