Attempting to reconcile with commitment-phobic ex. What are my chances of success and what advice should I keep in mind?

[M1989]

Hi good people. I just broke up with a guy who I had been talking to for almost a year (10 months). When I say we were talking, I mean we started out with the understanding that we had amazing chemistry and connection, and we would explore it like that, and see if we should date. I'd like to add here that he reached out to me on Tinder - we were based in different cities, but we connected so well that within a week of talking, he came to meet me in my city.
Meeting each other was phenomenal - sparks flew and we were super attracted and comfortable with each other. He opened up about his past, his family, hopes and dreams etc... and was the first one to text after and say how good it was and how he wanted us to meet and get to know each other a lot more. I moved out of the country for a couple of months but we stayed in touch, talking to each other daily, having intense conversations about every topic on the planet. We hadn't met since our first meeting up to this point, and 5 months after we started talking he felt that this wasn't going anywhere (I had come back to my city but hadn't had the opportunity to visit him) and he ended it. Two weeks on, he contacted me again saying he realized he acted in haste and that he wanted to give this a serious chance.
I went to visit after which he got distant and eventually disclosed that he felt as though I wasn't attracted to him and didn't give him a cue to make a move. We got past that as well, and over the next couple of months we flirted heavily and hooked up a couple of times-the physical part was incredible as well.
The last time I visited him, he stayed with me for two nights, we had an amazing time together. He took 2 weeks off from work to study for GMAT and apply to business schools and we didn't really talk to which I reacted poorly and accused him of being an asshole. He broke it off saying that I expected him to give me a relationship he wasn't ready to be in and that he would hurt me if we continued.

[GuildLegend435]

ah that sounds like a rough ride. my condolences.

that part at the end

so he's studying to apply to a business school program, right away that looks like he's prioritizing the training over you. and if we think logically about it - business studies includes a lot of math and statistics. are you sure he'll be able to both nurture your guys's relationship on top of also keeping his grades up, with his history of breaking it off with you at the drop of a hat?

Just feels like he's not ready, and who knows when he will be. to me it didn't seem like there was a good reason for him to break things off suddenly twice, so i'm only left reaching for reasons like 'he has past trauma / deep emotional issues requiring therapy'.

I'm sorry, the prognosis isn't good. I'd advise you to find a more situationally stable guy to chart your future with.

[M1989]

Hi. Thanks so much for your insight. He's been in 3 long-term relationships - the longest one was 8.5 years long - he got cheated on and the ex went on to get married to the guy she was seeing behind his back. The next one was a rebound that lasted 1.5 years (he broke it off because he claims the girl was really flaky). The last one lasted another 1.5 years - he intended to marry the girl, but she moved abroad to study for 2 years and they broke it off mutually (the girl passed away a year ago-2 years after their break-up). So that's history I was dealing with.
We both had identical plans for the future, and we had shared them with each other time and again. That was a big part of why he was interested in me.
At the time that we broke up, we hadn't spoken in a week - since I had called him an asshole for not letting me know I wouldn't be hearing from him - and let the unpleasantness fester. When we finally spoke, he said that as he was talking to me, he realized that there was a gap that couldn't be closed (in our expectations for each other- I am looking to settle down, as as far as I had known for the last 10 months - so was he) and that even though I was the ideal person for him, at that point he wasn't sure that he could give me what I wanted, and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I pointed out that he was hurting me, to which he started crying and saying that he was more sorry about that than I could ever know, and that he had been screwed over in life since day 1 and that it was his own mental fuck ups that were causing him to be this way. We were really close, we were friends on top of everything and more than anything I think I miss that.
Would this information alter your prognosis? I'm dealing with this quite well I think - but before I move on for good, I wanted an objective opinion on whether on not there's some value in giving him (and me) some time to focus on our own lives before attempting to reconnect.

[GuildLegend435]

thanks for the extra information. yes, i see he has quite a bit following him around there.

so if we're talking about prognosis, i guess it does get a bit better, but his actions will determine it, something like the following:

1) if he's actually willing to seek counselling for his problems and actively start working on them. will he show the initiative to drive forward and start working on those wounds of his, find a counselor and start making a path to the future

and

2) if you're willing to wait for him to make those changes and find those solutions. the road to recovery isn't going to be short for him, are you willing to hedge your bets? (bearing in mind though - it's not your responsibility to play patch adams with him unless you think he's 'the one' ofc.)

i think that's the crux of it right there. if he actively works to start mending AND you feel like waiting, you might have a winner winner chicken dinner.

if he puts it off though, as he's done before, and doesn't envision a healthy future with you involved, then it might not be worth your while, it could be years before he admits to himself that he needs some outside help with sorting it out. i think he's close to that admission though, it might be worth bringing it up to him.

you've invested a lot already into him, i can see why you'd want to at least see if he's worth a final shot or not. you've got a pretty big heart! hang in there!

definitely take your time with this, think it through and sleep on it a few days before making a move. hopefully some other angles can come to you in this time as well. good luck!

[M1989]

Again, Thank you SO much for your time and thoughtfulness - I really, really appreciate it. I'll just pick your brain this last time if that's okay? So I haven't spoken to him since the break-up, its been about a week - and we ended our conversation on the understanding that it wasn't a good idea to remain in touch - it would be too painful. I know what his plan for the next few months looks like - he's applying to business schools and working out a plan to move out of the country, while transitioning to a senior role at work. My plan looks exactly the same - I'm applying to grad schools and looking to relocate. I want to focus all my attention and effort on this right now - partly because I don't want to dwell on the "what could have beens." and also to maybe come to a realization that I'm fine with ending things - I'm not sure yet, it's too soon to tell. His birthday is in a couple of months - I was hoping to reconnect with him then (if I do, at all). Would you think that's a good idea? I can have the "getting professional help" conversation with him then? Thanks a million for your help already!

[GuildLegend435]

it's never too late to get back in touch. i see you left on a sour note, so there will be some trepidation there, don't let it stop you, as you say, regrets are the worst. definitely try. if he cuts you off at the knees, i guess that's just a quicker answer than anyone was expecting. i hope he doesn't do that.

i hope he's able to differentiate the pain he feels is from 'what you represent' rather than 'pain being caused by you'. those wounds of his, i'm not quite sure he knows they are there.

but yes, it'll be a difficult conversation. you're going to be trying to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time before both of your schedules start to take over.

as for how you'll brooch the subject, that'll be up to you. i advise big caution with that one. be gentle, and suggestive / supportive rather than accusatory. remain peaceful and calm instead of obstinate and inflexible. come to him from a place of love, not from a place of demanding or ultimatum.

the goal will be to suggest that perhaps he might have a bit more success/efficiency working those issues out with a pro, rather than trying to go it alone.

i hope you keep yourself in mind as much as him, because the other part of this is, don't overextend yourself trying to help him out. secure your own oxygen mask before trying to help someone with theirs, ok?

best regards!

[thomasmore]

let's take a look from a different view, please forgive me if i sound like an ashole.
do you plan to have one or more kids?
if you do, getting into a stable, working relationship should be on your priority list.
at your age, the clock is ticking for you, and the closer you get to 40 the more difficult it will be to get kids the natural way, and if he is starting an education now, financial stability is another thing to consider.

[M1989]

Thank you for your response. I'm 29 and he's 32. We've both spoken about having kids within the next three years. I know I'm coming off across as desperate, I'm just genuinely struggling with the idea of us not being together because he's scared of commitment, We're not talking at the moment - we ended things on the note that we shouldn't talk because it would be too painful for me, but I'm trying to understand if there's a prognosis and what it could look like. We both invested a lot into this and it seems worthwhile making an effort one last time. I'd really appreciate your advice.

[kawaiiguineapig]

kind of sounds like a mess that you shouldn’t waste your time trying to clean up

[Dean269]

Let the things cool down and then see what his reaction is

[M1989]

How long would you recommend waiting before I reach out to him?

[Dean269]

Its not like u guys have to stop talking or something. Sometimes just being in touch brings the magic back automatically

[M1989]

Actually it's been a week since we had the break up conversation (it mostly went him crying and apologizing, and me asking him not to be stupid for ending things) and he was adamant we shouldn't be in a relationship because he didn't want to hurt me or ruin my life. we agreed not to talk since it would end up being painful, and haven't spoken since. How/when do I go about reconnecting from this? Again, thanks so much for your insight - means a lot.

[humanearth]

Move on and find another fish in the sea