Avoidant / commitment issues / any future?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been involved for years with a guy that has a fear of commitment / avoidant personality. I’ve reached my breaking point and can’t continue it. Do men who get walked away from for these issues ever change?

[OlderAndWiser]

Don't leave him as a manipulation to try to change him. Leave him when you are ready to move forward and then don't look back. IF you could manage to change him with a manipulation, you would only get a temporary commitment; as soon as he no longer worried about you leaving, he would return to his same old self. Is THAT what you want?

[Asker]

Nope. Not what I want. I just wondered if someone bailing on the dynamic would be a cause for change

[OlderAndWiser]

Why does it matter if he changes after you say goodbye?

[Asker]

Curiosity.. maybe a silver lining. I don't know has no bearing on my decision to move on.

[OlderAndWiser]

As long as you wonder about such things, he has still captured your attention.

[Asker]

How does one stop that

[OlderAndWiser]

Tell anyone who will listen that you are going absolutely no contact with this guy for the rest of your life. Commit yourself to that course of action quite publicly. Use the possible embarrassment of breaking that promise as a motivator for yourself. That's one way to do it.

[Kaneki05]

Won't ever change without therapy.

[midnightmoon05]

Do you understand him? His past? His childhood? Relationship between him
and his mom? Dad around?
Takes work. Up to you how much you are willing to work through it.

[Asker]

I do. But knowing all of this dosent make it right or bearable. The disrespect ensues and the pattern reinforces the longer I accept

[midnightmoon05]

You don’t accept ill behaviors. However, if you two truly want it better, will try to work together for a better life.
I met my husband here… he had a much longer list than you can imagine. After getting the core of it… he is much happier … took us 6 years. to get here.

[Asker]

He dosent want commitment just wants to be in and out casually but remain in communication in between. He wants to be free to do as he pleases. I can’t participate with that anymore regardless of why he is the way he is. He actually dosent want to change. If it were more of an issue that he was trying and struggling I would stick it through … he is the highest level of avoidant personality that I’ve ever witnessed. I’m happy that your situation worked it 🙂

[midnightmoon05]

We are talking about two diff. issues… he doesn’t want a relationship…so you leave. Otherwise you will be torn into pieces emotionally… no matter how strong you are, how high your confidence…you will eventually get sick … like now… so yes… move on you deserve better. When you let go of the bad…you make room for the good.

[driven159]

some do but not all if he is getting close to 40 more than likely not