Commitment phobia / Relationship sabotaging...

[Anonymous]

It seems to me I have a bit of a problem. Whenever I meet a guy I like I wish nothing more than to see him or talk to him everyday, that is. Until I find out he likes me back. Once I know he likes me I get bored and usually don't want anything to do with him. It's like I prefer the hunt a lot more than the actual prey. I don't like to do this because I know the guy can get hurt and it's not my intention.

For example, right now there is this guy I had had my eye on for the past 2 - 3 months, we recently went out more in a sort of hang out way than date in itself. He told me how he didn't want a girlfriend because he had no time and didn't want all the 'baggage' and 'responsibility' that came along with the tag. I got that and I was fine with it, I wasn't looking for anything more than friendship, even though I did like him in a different way, although I didn't say anything, all I responded was that I understood because I didn't like to have a guy around 24/7 either and that I can't stand clingy people too.

Ever since that he texts me constantly, every single day and is desperately trying to find out when we are going to go out again. That stresses me out, I find he is being clingy and needy (just because he texts everyday, if I don't answer he won't keep trying, I doubt he's being clingy but I feel it so). So I don't know if I want to go out with him again, I like talking to him but I feel like he's being overbearing, and I don't want to hurt him. I can't talk to him about it because he's never actually admitted he likes me in that way.

Basically I guess what I'm trying to say here is:

What makes a guy/girl clingy, needy or overbearing in your opinion?

Do you have commitment phobia?

What can I do with this guy?

What makes a person have commitment phobia?

Thanks. :)

[vice-chix]

I am a commitment phobe - who sabbotages relationships as soon as I really start to feel something. It isn't the commitment that I fear as much as the emotional attachment and vulnerability of intimacy that I fear.

For me... it's that fear of a deep connection that triggers my walking feet. Trust me when I say... he doesn't want to leave. He doesn't. If anything he probably wants it more than you... and that is why he pulls the chute because of that want for a future.

At first he you have your sh*t together and say... hey I can do this. And then when that intimacy does take place... you freak out.

In my case... I freaked out after spending a very intimate time with my best friend of 10 years. He knows I am in love with him...and that I am going through a divorce. We spent the night having sex after our first date (10 years in the making)... and he would try and snuggle and I would freak out and move away. He would find me under the covers and hold me anyways. He knows me - thank god for that. In the morning when I woke up in his arms I really freaked out because I really want him in my life and I really do care about him. So I tried to leave. He woke up startled and saw me dressing and begged me to get back into bed. And it took me a good hour of sitting on the edge of the bed to give into him holding me. Which he did... he didn't say a word. He just held me in his arms... rubbing my back and holding my hand to reassure me that he cares. He then made love to me. Not sex... slow intimate love making. He then collapsed on me overwhelmed with emotion...holding me tightly. Again, I was overwhlemed too with fear... and something in that embrace calmed me down. And we just held each other for a good 20 minutes. Afterwards we layed there for 2 hours chatting about anything and everything. He broke down the wall... and I let him in.

Then I freaked out again. On the train home. OMG! My best friend and I had sex. OMG! So, I panicked again... sent him a text saying it was fun. He responded saying that yes we would see each other again soon! He knows.

It's been a week...and I have been trying like hell not to sabotage. I want to send him emails to tell him to go to hell... I want to destroy it. Why? Fear. Fear because I care for him. Fear that I will get hurt.

Again, I send him a few more emails...to push through the wall... and again he knows.

If we are to build anything that we have to take it slow. Really slow. Keep it casual...with our friendship as the overtone for our coming together. He knows if we plan too far in advance I am going to freak out and sabotage. Patience is key.

Why does he know this so well? Because he WAS the biggest commitment phobe in the world! And he has grown up... and has beaten the fear... and at a stage in his life where he wants something real ... I do hope it's with me.

So hang in there! Good luck and I hop my story at least helps in understanding the CP game

[iloveyou]

Hmm. To answer your questions:

1) I have had many clingy people in my life (they weren't even relationship wise). They always seem like they NEED you to be with them all the time and it stresses you out. They call all the time. They always ask you to hang out and whenever you say 'no' they have trouble accepting it. If someone is clinging onto you, you'll know right away. Especially when you begin to hate the sound of your phone vibrating again.

2) I do get scared once I feel like the guy might like me back. It's not because I think I'll get bored of them. Because I really do want to be with someone, but the fear of things going sour always comes to my mind. Let's face it. Being single is definitely less painful when you've been hurt before.

3) I think you should talk to him about it anyway. Even if he hasn't mentioned if he has feelings for you or not. He still is acting clingy and that isn't fair to you. Everyone needs their own space. Let him know that sometimes you become overwhelmed with all of the attention even if it's not his intention and that you do like talking to him and spending time with him, but you like your space as well.

4) Commitment phobia is when someone is afraid of being with someone. They can either hate the feeling of being tied down (this doesn't mean they'd rather sleep around with no responsibility, it can also mean that they really need a lot of space and freedom) People with commitment phobia often fear being intimate with another person (this doesn't have to mean sexually, but also when it comes to feelings and talking about them. It's really hard for some people. )

I hope I was helpful. Try not to hurt this guy because he seems like a nice guy who might be fighting his early statement of not wanting to be with anyone. You might have changed his mind, but that's just an assumption. Good luck, and hopefully one day you won't mind settling down with a nice guy. It's really not that bad! ;D

[Asker]

Thank you, your answer helps, though I'm not terrified about having a relationship, I have had one or two in my past and am too longing for my one and only. Is just I tend to lose interest easily.

[iloveyou]

No problem. I'm glad I was helpful. Good luck. :)

[artofwar]

This actually happened to me recently. I'm the same way, when I find out guys like me/want to be with me, I get bored and tend to sink away into the abyss. Recently this guy and I started chatting from college, we both told each other we can keep emotions out of the way and that we were "un-exclusive". He starts texting me, calling me, asking me when he'd see me again cos I never call him or txt him. I stopped talking to him though but I run into him at school which is awkward.

I come from relationship after relationship of clingy/needy guys and I don't like it at all! I feel suffocated. I might have a commitment phobia. I don't know, I'm up to the idea of being in a relationship but when it comes down to it, I shut down.

I think what makes someone clingy/needy is the fact that they must have someone as the object of their affection and be around them a lot. If you don't feel like you would want to be with guy, then just stop talking to him. It prevents him from thinking you're into him, when you're not.

[lilyogi6]

well to answer you question it almost seems like your afraid of having someone there with you everyday and every minute. This is normal for a lot of people becuase many out there like a guy or girl and they just don't want to have a relationship they just want to see them as a close friend to be there for them not the whole togetherness that comes with the relationship. It seems as if he's keeping you around so that when he feels he can be in a relationship you will be right there for him. Most guys if they don't like you they won't text you everyday...its mostly if its like every other week but he sounds like he does like you back but doesn't want to say it so if things don't work out the way he wants them too you and him won't get hurt...I hope this helped :)

[NotSoBad]

Hey I'm a guy who finds himself in this position. I have been dating a girl recently and I get scared of commitment because I feel as soon as I get committed she will be turned off. Which makes me want to take it slow. But then again I feel if I hold back to much she will get the wrong impression and think that I don't like her. It really is hard to just open up and just love someone when you don't truly know how they will feel about you.

Do you fear that if you allow yourself to fall in love that you will be hurt?

[Asker]

Actually no, thankfully I've never been hurt in a traumatic way relationship-wise and it's not really my fear, I just lose interest easily and really like my space *shrugs* don't know know, I have committed before though and I didn't have this problem.

[NotSoBad]

Well from your experience what can a guy do to not make you lose interest? I think this has happened with this girl I was just dating. At first I wanted to take it slow. I did my own thing and she did her own thing.

[NotSoBad]

Then she wanted to become exclusive. So we eventually did. I figured since we were exclusive we could do more couple things. I would invite her to go out with me but she would always say no. And she really didn't seem interested in inviting me along

[NotSoBad]

With her and her friends. She seemed to lose interest. Why would someone want to be exclusive if they just are going to lose interest?

[NotSoBad]

Sorry you'll have to read from the bottom up.

[Asker]

Hmm, I don't know I guess it was because they gave me my space, like I had o find them sometimes not him being all over me all the time. I don't know, that's a good question, I'll have to think that one through and get back to you. As for your girl, I have no

[Asker]

Idea, if she wanted to be exclusive then it must've meant she wanted to be with you, so she should invite you along mostly everything. Maybe she lost interest? Maybe you gave her too much space and she thought you didn't want her? Contradictory I know.

[NotSoBad]

I don't know if she just wanted someone to have sex with. Maybe she just wanted to make sure I wasn't fooling around with other people. It seemed like she really only wanted to spend time with me to have sex.

[Anonymous]

You sound just like this girl I know. Please do the guys a favor and don't lead them on. She's driven me to tears more than once. I mean, if you were attracted to him, you should be excited if he likes you, not turned off.

[Asker]

Aw, sorry about that. I know, it's precisely what I don't want to do, I really don't want to hurt him but I don't know what to do he is driving me insane with all his texting, even though it shouldn't be. Hope things go better for you.

[Opinion Owner]

You're name's not alli is it?

[Asker]

Heh, nope sorry. ;)