Should I be supportive/optimistic about my mom dating a much younger guy? I so how can I change my mindset to become that way?

[Anonymous]

My mom's been dating a much younger guy (he's 26. She's 42). When I found out about the age gap I assumed she just wanted a fling with a hot young guy. When I found out that wasn't the case/she's dating him with the hope of the relationship becoming long term I became very concerned. Firstly, I think it's just plain weird. He's closer to my age than hers. There are a couple times I came to my mom's home (she gave me a key) and heard them having sex upstairs (my mom is super loud). I wanted to throw up.
But there are more substantive concerns I have as well.
1. They're in very different stages of life and likely could have very different life goals.
2. My mom's a successful real estate agent and he's a poor grad student. I'm worried he may at least partially be dating her for her money.
3. She may be dating him as a consequence of a mid life crisis. She's always been a hopeless romantic. I think that the fact she's 42 and none of her relationships have worked may have sparked a mid life crisis.
4. I know she's always wanted another kid. I'm suspicious she thinks being with a younger guy will increase her chances of pregnancy (if they get that far)
I've talked to my mom about my concerns. She explained why each of them were either non-existent or have been figured out by her. She didn't tell me directly, but I could easily tell she desperately wants me to be supportive/happy/confident about her relationship. I know the rest of her family isn't supportive/thinks this is weird&that really bothers her. I want to be confident/happy/supportive and I feel bad/guilty that I'm not. I do think the age gap is weird and I think the chances this relationship works out long term are very low. Am I wrong for being weirded out by their relationship? Are the chances it lasts better than I think? I want to be confident/happy/supportive for my mom, but I just don't think I'm there yet.

[sejla]

As hard as it is for you to understand as long as the guy is a good guy you have to let it run it's course. Now if you get any sense he's not a good guy then you can voice your concerns once or twice at the most.

You are right in the chances the relationship will survive long term is pretty low because as you say the timing is off. I have seen at least one couple beat the odds with that kind of age gap and they are still together after 20 years.

I'd say let your mom enjoy herself as long as the relationship isn't destructive. Your mom is going to have sex with someone so that will have to be something you have to live with. Also, not many 20 somethings would be comfortable with their mom dating a younger man but it really isn't the worst thing in the world.

Post Note: Call your mom before you come home to avoid walking in on sex. If you had parents who were together the same thing could happen when their adult children are out of the house.

[Asker]

I know that at this point I need to let my mom make her own decisions and let the relationship run its course. However, what I want to know is whether or not I should change my mindset about it. Right now I'm letting my mom/her boyfriend be, but at the same time I still think it's super weird and I'm very pessimistic about it working out. So are my grandparents, my sister, and a lot of other people. I know it would mean a lot to her if my mindset was more of optimism/support/not thinking it's weird. Apart of me feels guilty I don't feel this way and part of me thinks maybe I should change my mindset (although I'm not sure how I would do that). However, another part of me thinks I'd just be lying to myself if I thought of it any other way.
Should I change my mindset? If so how can I? If not what's the best way I can still be supportive/loving despite thinking it's super weird and being pessimistic about the likelihood it'll last?

[sejla]

On the age gap part I think you need to let it go. There are many times in life when that possibility will present itself. It has happened to me where men who are in their mid to late 30s and early 40s have shown some interest. I just didn't pursue anything with them. Like you say I don't start something when the timing is off and I don't do casual.

You don't have to go out of your way to be supportive of the relationship just be cordial/mannerly when you have any kind of interaction with him. Give supportive affirmations to your mom when you see her doing something positive whether it be in this relationship or something else in her life. Not all relationships are meant to be long term and if he is a decent man he might heal your mom a bit so she can move on. She probably needs a bit of therapy if she's had relationship issues in the past.

One thing to remember is that many women actually have their sex drive increase as they age. It has to do with testosterone being more prominent than their estrogen. That leads to them seeking out partners with a similar sex drive that they might not find in male partners their own age. Sexuality for 40+ women is sort of a taboo like they should put themselves on the shelf.

No adult child wants to know the sex life of their parent.

[Asker]

How would I change my mindset about the age gap/stop thinking it's weird? They've been dating for about 7 months and I still think it's weird. I'm not sure if me thinking it's weird is just going to fade out over time. How do I change my mindset into not thinking the age gap is weird?

[Asker]

Also, do you think my mom is having a mid life crisis?

[sejla]

Either a mid life crisis or she's just enjoying her life. Probably the sticking point for you is the guy is close to your age. Not thinking it is weird comes with age. When I was 18 I thought it was weird to date a 30 year old but now I know that's a bit silly. If your mom enjoys the relationship for a year or two that is 2 years that were good for her. I think focusing on if she is happy and he seems like an ok guy will help you get over the age gap part. My daughter being 20 I don't have to worry about dating a man close to her age it isn't going to happen but dating younger is a possibility because I generally look younger than my age.

[Asker]

Are you saying that you don't think it's weird that a 42 year old woman is dating a 26 year old guy as a result of the hindsight of age? If that's the case could you explain to me why you don't think it's weird (beyond just "I'm older so I understand with hindsight it's not weird". I know age gave you the hindsight to understand it's not weird. However, I don't know what the new perspective that you gained with age/hindsight specifically is and how it helped you know that age gap in a relationship between a 42 year old woman and a 26 year old man isn't weird). If that's not what you're saying could you please clarify what you meant when you said "Not thinking it is weird comes with age. When I was 18 I thought it was weird to date a 30 year old but now I know that's a bit silly. "?
Thank you!

[sejla]

You were asking how to get over the age gap part and support your mom. It's up to you to decide if it is weird to you. If they have absolutely nothing in common or he is using your mom in some way than it is going to be a toxic relationship. She could find a man her own age who treats not good too. Right or wrong this age gap relationship age wise is pretty and people start them for various of reason. Some do it just for sex and some because they have something in common.

[john2night]

Be happy for her, she deserves it