Why didn’t he wish me a happy birthday?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been chatting to this guy for over 3 months now and we met once due lockdown conditions. To keep things alive during lockdown we’ve been video calling and sometimes things get naughty. After our last call the other day, I decided to tell him my birthday was going to be in 4 days to what he replied “Ohhh how excitiiiiing, sending you lots of love wish I was there to hug you” then I said “wish you could be there well save the date” and he replied “I SHALL XXXX” but then on the actual day I posted a couple stories on ig he saw them all and sent nothing. What the hell? I thought this was ver strange!

Updates

+1 y

I mean I know our last call lasted almost 5h and it got sexually intense towards the end and I understand if he needs some distance and time to process but I mean seriously after everything he didn’t have the decency to text me on my birthday?

[Anonymous]

I’ll put this bluntly — he’s using you. I gathered that much from the title alone, but I read the whole post anyway, wondering if there was even an excuse good enough to make up for what he did. To my disappointment, all I read was you trying to make excuses for this guy and justify his behavior. As if he simply forgot to pick you up from work or couldn’t make it to a date. But this asshat forgot your whole birthday! He talks to you all day every day, and I’m positive he doesn’t forget to slide in some sexting and/or gets you to help him c*m everyday. His relationship with you is self serving with no intention of a relationship, otherwise he’d ask you out by now. Lockdown or not, if you’re talking to someone religiously everyday, after at least 2 months you’re gonna know if you see potential. If he can’t even remember your bday, then what message does that send? That he sees no potential and he’s probably still active on dating sites. He’s trash, plainly put. You should want someone who’s interested enough in you to spend the minute it takes to make note of your birthday. It literally takes seconds to throw that memo on the calendar app.

[Asker]

He doesn’t talk to me all day everyday but yes we text regularly and we’ve met once before lockdown. He actually has invited me to go out with him recently although we haven’t planned anything in concrete. He talked about either me going to his place or us meeting at a park. Do you reckon he’ll be coming back after knowing he didn’t wish me a happy birthday?

[Opinion Owner]

Okay, maybe not all day everyday but it’s safe to say everyday or at least enough that he feels comfortable diving into sexting. It gives the impression that a friends with benefits type of distraction is what he seeks. Especially when his suggestions to meet are his place or the park. Will he come back? Most likely, they always do. Hopefully you don’t welcome him back though. All that flirting and stuff is fun but it gets old, after a while you’re gonna want a more solid person and not settle for someone who can’t even rent our bday.

[Asker]

Well it’s either his place or the park cause we’re in lockdown and there’s nowhere else we could meet. Do you think I should ask him why didn’t he wish me a happy birthday or tell him something like this?

I think you and I want different things. I mean I wanna have fun yes and I wanna have sex of course but I’ll eventually want a committed relationship further down the line too and I can tell, you don’t. You’re more words than actions and that leaves me confused most of the times because clearly you’re only after one thing and that’s okay I understand. I’m pretty sure there’re thousands of girls out there who’ll gladly give it to you without effort but me, I’m better than that.

[Asker]

And I mean even friends with benefits wish happy birthday to each other

[Opinion Owner]

Not even like going out for dinner and/or a movie? I don't know where you live, but a lot of places are open for outdoor dining, there’s drive in movies now and even outdoor bars. I’m not trying to raise an obstacle, but i just feel like this pandemic has given guys so many cop-out opportunities in dating. Like of course you wanna be safe and if he’s being honest about being concerned about covid then that is responsible and respectable. So many guys use it as an excuse now tho, it’s hard to know who just doesn’t wanna put in real effort. Also, I think what you wrote is great! This is coming from someone who’s had to send that sort of text in the past.

[Asker]

I’m in the UK nothing’s opened. Also I was just thinking could it be that he didn’t wish me a happy birthday cause when I mentioned it to him he said “sending you lots of love wish I could come and hug you”? Maybe he saw it like that as he’d already given me a happy birthday.

[Opinion Owner]

Personally, I don’t feel like that is sufficient. “Sending you lots of love wish I could come and hug you” just sounds like a thought, or a little rope to throw you, so that he isn’t giving too much sentiment and keeping you at arms length. It’s typical fuckboy mentality. Like if you said “I love you” and his response was “I think you rock” or some bs like that, you know what I mean? It’s just such poor behavior and that’s what you would have to look forward to.

[Asker]

Also should I wait on him to text me before dropping that text pr should I just drop that text out of the blue?

[Opinion Owner]

I’d say let him text you first so the ball is in your court, not his

[Asker]

Okay so he just texted me 4 days after my birthday, a week after our call.
He texted the following:
“How are you? xxx Did you have a marvelous birthday? 😃😃😃”

I took 7h to get back to him and texted:
“Well it was almost a week ago... yeah it was a great day”
And then he said:
“Sorry I missed it. But last week I found my old piano teacher is in hospice and I was a mess...” (he’s kind of a famous pianist so that’s why)
Then I found she’s in hospice but she won’t be getting better, she’s going to die.
Nevertheless I think he could’ve send me a short text on the day given he watched all my ig stories as I remember he posted a story on that day too at a wine taste event on zoom lol.

[Opinion Owner]

Bruh, that’s like one of the biggest male cop-outs in history lol. I’m not saying his teacher didn’t die or that he doesn’t have the right to grieve if they really meant so much to him. I’m just saying that he conveniently disappeared when something important happened (your bday) then pops back up with an excuse that would clearly garner your sympathy so that you wouldn’t go off on him. So for me (as a woman pretty hip to the dating scene) who’s dealt with dudes like him who have excuses like that, I just stick with this logic: ‘if he can go days without talking to me, then let him go a few more, I’m good’. That’s it. Because it doesn’t matter what he says — he didn’t fall into a coma or lose access to his hands. He still did everything normal in his life except take 5 mins out of an hour of his day to even just to be like ‘hey I just wanted to wish you a happy bday. I got some rough news and need some time to myself, if that’s cool, just didn’t want you to think I forgot about you’. Something like that would’ve been so thoughtful! What can you take from his silence though? It’s that you’re just not a priority in his life and no matter what he says, it just wasn’t important to text you that day, which is hurtful. You can forgive him, no grudge or any of that but I don’t think he’s a good suitor. Don’t do what I did, like reluctantly accepting his excuse because you like him a lot. All you’re showing him is that he has to take no accountability for his actions, and will continue to be that.

[Asker]

I might actually send him this next time he strikes a conversation:

Hey, I want to clarify something that has been bothering me and think I should let you know. Sometimes I have the feeling you’re not being completely open and honest with me. Also it feels you’re only keen when you want something. I actually meant it when I said I don’t give myself often to just anyone, I need trust and consistency (especially given most of our communication is online) but if that’s all you want right now is fine I understand. I’m pretty sure you’ll find lots of girls out there who will give it to you without effort but I’m not like that, it’s not who I am.

[Opinion Owner]

I really like what you have to say, but you should do it in person or otp. Once the text gets too lengthy (at least in my opinion) then a conversation definitely should be had.

[Asker]

So maybe I should wait until our next phone call?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, that would be the best route, if you feel like you won’t lose your nerve. Just be ready for the outcome, and consider what you have to look forward to from him in the future. Feelings aside, his actions have really said a lot about who he is as a person.

[Asker]

Do you think by saying that I’m asking him to act like a boyfriend or respect? Cause I mean I don’t want him to think I’m pressuring him into a relationship nor anything it’s not about that but I mean even to be friends with benefits there needs to be trust and respect

[Opinion Owner]

I think it’s a fair point to ask him where you guys stand, and if he only wants friends with benefits, then decide if you are OK with that. You seem like someone who would prefer dating/relationship. friends with benefits aid super no strings attached, and that would mean you couldn’t be upset about the birthday thing and would really have to subtract the romantic part from your relationship. That sort of arrangement isn’t for everyone, it gets old and eventually you’ll want something serious..

[Asker]

by the way what would you have to say if he’d go radio silent after acknowledging my birthday last Tuesday after it happened? Why would he show up to disappear again and not say anything for a whole week? Is he ghosting? I mean he still watches all my stories

[Asker]

We never been this long without texting

[Opinion Owner]

I’m not sure if I can say he’s ghosting, but girl, if he comes back after not having spoken to you in over a week then please consider returning that energy to him and cutting him off. At this point, I feel like it’s clear that he is inconsistent and treating you like an option, not a priority. What’s making you keep your foot in the door for him? He must have some really great redeeming qualities. Don’t take me saying all this in the wrong way, I’m not here to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. But from the outside looking in, you’re setting yourself up for constant disappointment from this dude.

[Asker]

Oh no not at all!! I completely agree with you and please do be honest. Yeah actually that’s what all my friends say that he’ll come back eventually! Cause I don’t believe him to be a bad person nor a fuck boy I just think he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s a bit over the place kind of person, like distracted. But I wanna believe he doesn’t wanna hurt me nor my feelings. Also I think he was just looking for fun until he stumbled on me and wasn’t expecting to find someone he actually sees potential for more (cause he actually told me he’s been with a few girls but nothing serious and now he’s met this girl whom he actually likes her personality) but then he acts this way so I don't know

[Asker]

I mean before our last call he was even inviting me to his place or to go to the park and even though we didn’t make concrete plans he said he’d live to have me over either for lunch or drinks and so that’s why I don’t understand why he’s acting like this now. It doesn’t make sense...

[psychoticanimaIIover]

He clearly forgot. He is a goldfish.

[Asker]

But he checked all my stories through out the day

[GAGSucksBalls1]

why won't you wish me a happy birthday in 3 weeks