Girls, is it a huge turnoff if a guy is honest about in dating right off the bat?

[Anonymous]

I find that even if a woman is really okay with this she hates hearing this off the bat. They say to “date with intention” but every long term relationship I’ve been in didn’t start off with serious intent. I find that most women get turned off if a guy starts off saying outright about his intention (hook up, friends with benefits or serious). Women feel too pressured by it. The relationship most often goes at the women’s pace.

It seems like most women will get pissed off if the guy (politely) straight up says he just wants a hook up or friends with benefits. Even if she is thinking the same thing she will have a slut complex about. I also notice that many women say they like it when the guy is looking for long term. However guy goes to slow and chivalrous in the beginning she might end up seeing him just as friend (this is the worst possible outcome if he really liked her). She will get bored and find some exciting asshole to get her needs met and then turn around and friendzone. I think our society has gotten worse about this.

But really have you ever had any sort of relationship with a guy who tells exactly what he wants when you just met him (hook up all the way to long term/marriage)? I tried this in the past with always bad results.

Updates

+1 y

I hate that I can’t edit. But I meant to say “honest about what he wants in dating”.

I’ve had women and even other married men (who have forgotten how tough dating is) saying I should be straight up from the get go. But this has never worked for me in the past unless the timing is perfectly right. I always have to show my intentions by actions vs. just saying it outright.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I can only speak for myself.. I would personally rather have someone be honest and upfront about their intentions than to pretend or lie to get what they want. That being said, while I'd appreciate the honesty, doesn't mean I'd reward their honesty by doing what they want if it's not something I want, am into... Not agreeing to a hook up, if they want more than that doesn't mean they're angry, just means they don't want the same things. It's kinda like the cheaters that think they should automatically be forgiven for cheating because they came clean about it. Like their partner is supposed to forget their hurt, pain and suffering, his lies, deceit, broken promises, etc.. Being honest doesn't mean always getting your own way, nor is that why people should be honest and upfront. They should be that way because it's the right, decent thing to do, but also because that's the best way to find the person best suited for you and the type of relationship you want, then to try to force or deceive someone into a relationship they wouldn't be okay with

[Asker]

With all due respect I think you are being genuine because you are a bit older (I am no spring chicken myself). However younger women 18 to 25 (even early 30s) have this knee jerk response to guys being up front more. They still have the “slut complex” if it’s about a hook up. Or if the guy says he wants to get serious they can get scared from the pressure. Seems like younger women want the ball to be in their court at all times in the early stages. It’s up to the guy to lead and adjust.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

If you're no spring chicken yourself, why try dating younger women and not more mature women that don't play those games... I disagree that young women are as worried about slut shaming as young women would of been in my day or they wouldn't be bragging about it online, posting nudes or provocative pics of themselves. Those aren't the actions of someone worried about slut shaming.. Have you ever considered not everyone is looking to just hook up or be someone's friends with benefits? That some people actually still prefer a committed, monogamous relationship. And then also, just because there's women that can't handle an upfront guy, doesn't mean there's not also women that would prefer it.. Being upfront weeds out the ones that aren't meant for you.

[Asker]

I actually have tried dating women close to my age. I am still open it if they are decent. Last date was with a 35 year old but she had no problem drinking and driving.

While it’s true that older guys find younger women more attractive it’s not just that. Women tend to be voluntarily single or they have serious problems that inhibit them from developing relationships. The ugly fact of the matter is all the good women around my age are taken.

Also about younger women posting provocative picture online. Of course they often do that for attention. But that’s when they get in direct communication in dating they tend to panic unless they already really like the guy. But if they are on the fence i will always get the answer I don’t want to hear.

Also I’ve met flaky ass older women too. I had a grown ass woman a year older than me give one the worst friéndzone insults of my life.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

This whole friendzone thing or it being an insult... Do you want women to pretend to like you if they really don't? Or do you want them to be upfront and honest? Not everyone you like or are attracted to is going to like or be attracted to you... Just as I'm sure you wouldn't like or be attracted to everyone that likes or is attracted to you... That's life... That's why you don't get bitter about it, you just move on...

[Asker]

I want them to be (tactfully) honest the moment they have come to the decision they are not interested. I might be disappointed but I can fully appreciate and respect where she stands. Also I don’t want to hear that shit after months of pursuing them while they play games.

It’s a long story but the grown ass woman i am talking about literally showed up on my doorstep in another state. We had briefly dated 2 years previously. I ended up dating someone else for close to a year. That didn’t work out and we reunited. We made out in the past but didn’t go all the way.

Anyway she came by my place during a holiday so i invited her to a family gathering. I later overheard her asking my sister in law who she just me if she could stay at her place (I of course never behaved creepy that evening I was with my family). My sister in law was speechless and this woman changed the subject. She ended up coming home with me and the first words out mouth when I walked her through my front door is “where am I going to sleep?”

Funny thing is I never mentioned anything sexual to her at all. We ended up sharing my bed but I didn’t make a move on her. She never thanked me for everything i did for her. She posted about her trip to my state on social media but didn’t mention me.

Anyway she continued for a year and half to oddly like everything I posted on social media. But I never liked or commented on her posts. She never messaged me again.

[Asker]

I then during lockdown had enough when she liked my 20th post in a row. I called her up about what happened. She was in another country for all that time. I was honest about how insulted I was she asked my own f*cking sister in law if she could stay at her place after she showed up out of nowhere on my doorstep. She was real subtle and sneaky when I heard her ask that but I could read between the lines.

She was 100% confident that was okay. To unannounce friéndzone. To not communicate how she really felt but instead try to weasel her way out of things. Again this was from a grown ass woman a year older than me.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Someone's age doesn't always determine the level of their maturity

[Asker]

Yes that’s unfortunately. However I know I’m held to a higher standard than i was at 21. While not perfect I do try to look at things differently.

But I am really fed up with the “man child” bullshit stereotype when there is at least one Wendy for every Peter Pan out there. It seems that grown ass women seem to get more leeway then men do when it comes to this crap. And it’s just because their women.

[Asker]

*unfortunately true

[Anonymous]

Women hate hearing that because they've heard it before and most women are not dating to screw around. By telling them this, you have said I'm only interested in what I want from you and that's sex. I'm not interested in you at all". Gee thanks. Now, If only I could tell men I'm only interested in their money... no matter how upfront, honest, and polite I will be about it, men hate that. I don't get why though, if you can use me for sex then I should be able to use you for money... it's the same thing.

I agree with the slut complex. If women are going to be the run of the mill, then the mill owner needs to be worth it. No woman wants to risk emotions, pregnancy, or Stds just so the average joe can get his rocks off.