If confidence is so attractive to men, why are so many confident (and attractive) women single?

Question

Disclaimer: I know I’ll get a ton of comments invalidating this claim that say things like men want confident women, just not “masculine” or “entitled” or “arrogant” women or something along those lines. I’m not referring to that type. I’m talking about women who know who they are and stand up for themselves, etc.
It seems like a lot of insecure women have it easier finding relationships than confident women.

TheSpaceGnome · Accepted Answer

When a person is insecure, they typically try harder to impress, when a person is too confident about their worth, they often act entitled and/or degrade other's value, but ultimately you want a middle ground.

I prefer women who are confident in their talents/skills to a very high degree (artistic, gaming, sciences, etc.), but anyone confident about dating is unlikely to be worth keeping.

It's the nervous ones who are terrified to say the wrong thing and scare their dream husband away that are easy to spot the value of, because a person's value as a partner is based on how much they love you.

Confidence in a relationship can come later, once the person gets reciprocated feelings, but you should be nervous at the start, because he should be a very big deal to you.

And he should be just as nervous, because you should be a very big deal to him.

If I see a women who is super confident and isn't worried about how she interacts with me, I see a woman who isn't concerned with whether or not she has me.

But if I see a woman playing 3 instruments at once, or kicking ass in a fighting game, or drawing a masterpeice, and then later panicking about what to do when she sees a guy she likes, then thats wife material.

So I would say it's talent thats attractive, confidence is only atractive in relationships the sense that you are confident about what you want, who you want, how you feel, and who you trust, because being indesicive, or untrusting of a partner, is very unattractive.

Now of course looks matter, but a hot woman who's boring, indesicive, or doesn't trust me, is from an attraction point of view, rather ugly.

IMuser · Accepted Answer

1. Not used to deal with such confident women: majority of the times, you would probably be meeting a woman who has some kind of insecurity or is comparatively indecisive as compared to a guy. Therefore, this confident woman is almost a new species
2. Personal insecurity of a guy: in modern times (i am 20 and therefore referencing the time after 2000), there are a lot of insecure guys, partially due to getting rejected a lot, social media, parenting (i believe helicopter parenting started after 1980-90 because a lot of kids were kidnapped). Naturally this is applicable for girls too (much more applicable however society can give a pass to an underconfident woman much more easily than a guy) and therefore, due to a feeling of inferiority, a guy would not date a highly confident woman
3. Assumption that she is already taken or acts this way with everyone: if you are so confident in talking to me (and things related to it), how can I determine whether you see me as a friend or not? (Especially when she has a lot of guy friends)

Makes sense?

mrsalyssaefron · Accepted Answer

I believe that some confident and attractive women choose to be single because they know their worth and don’t want to settle. That’s how I am.

Sometimes I believe there are some men that are almost intimidated by women like this. When we’re confident about ourselves and what we deserve, we have high standards. There are some that can’t meet these standards or maybe just think it’s easy to woo women like this.

I think it’s more about the self respect that women have for themselves. There are some women who struggle with insecurity (which is totally normal) and feel like they need to be in a relationship because it makes them feel valued. For many people, it’s hard to find that self love and self worth so they tend to look for other ways to substitute that feeling of insecurity with things that make them feel like they are worth it.

Just my opinion.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

A lot of helpful male responses here. (They always like this female confidence topic.)

As they say, some of it is female misinterpretation. You don't want your definition to be challenged, but it always will be. Because 'confidence' is often a malleable and subjective term.

And the rest of it is not about intimidation so much, as the standards and requirements of a woman like this. She doesn't need a man's help much, and that makes men feel unnecessary, more like a side piece to her life. While no one wants to be relied on too much, not being needed at all provides no sense of purpose or appreciation.

WhatTheHeckkkk · Answer

Seems like some men can’t handle confident women then. I am not sure.

BFSLina · Answer

Perhaps it is a little too late to post, but I suppose it never hurts to contribute.

Confidence comes in many forms and is not necessarily always apparent in one’s actions. If a woman is confident around other woman, that may not translate into confidence around men. Even if she is, she may not be confident in the realm of the romantic for any number of reasons. This is all valid, but the prompt is about confidence, not the possible lack of it.

Assuming that our hypothetical woman is confident in her romantic life, she would face many challenges. Confidence in oneself breeds self-reliance and an independent spirit. Her independence may find the highly collaborative nature of a relationship stifling, though this is dependent upon how she developed her confidence.

Something more common is that she simply isn’t able to find anyone to fit her standard, as others have said well before me. I will simply add the caveat that as confident as anyone is, they are still human and will make mistakes. For the insecure, their faith in others and lack of trust in themselves is more conducive to cooperation, depending on the nature of said insecurity, than a woman with confidence in her own judgment and ability, of which I have already written. A confident woman leads often because she knows where she needs to go, so errors or carelessness cause her to be much more severely affected than her more complacent contemporaries.

It is difficult to articulate why confidence is attractive, so I ask that you forgive me for any unclear wording. While there is a certain charm present in the long-term benefits of confidence, a more primal glamour radiates from a confident woman. There are expectations and implicit understandings surrounding confident traits that flatter her greatly. These are wonderful, but are ethereal at best. A man who appreciates deeper connection knows this well, but it is not always necessary for them to have.

A confident woman knows what she is worth, and will not settle for less. She has meticulously weeded out what she knows is beneath her, so that she will find a lover of fine standing. It takes time for her to simply grow to fit her own standard, and longer still to find herself a man, but she is rewarded for her patience. It simply skews the numbers.

OpenClose · Answer

I mean there are a surprising number of things women consider confident that guys consider arrogant, and get irritated at other guys for, but then girls like it anyway. You mentioned a bit of that, so I won't repave that road.

There's also an intimidation factor, which girls seem over-eager to make fun of. But like you just KNOW that if she is confident, she expects you to be twice as confident. If she's rich, she expects you to be twice as rich. If she's smart, she expects you to be twice as smart. I've learned to let go of that. If girls are going to expect that, then successful girls are going to be single and it'll be by their own hand, so I don't give a shit.

Otherwise, I *do* think there's another thing that potentially goes on. You know the common female fantasy of finding the "bad boy" who has a tough facade, and then being the one to open him up and reveal his inner vulnerable side? I think there's a male equivalent. At least it was one I always had in high school.

Rather than "reforming the Bad boy", it's "reforming the sad girl". I often found myself drawn to girls with lower self-esteem, or shy girls, and I always fantasized about being the one who helps her realize she is beautiful, or helps her discover her confidence and chase her dreams. This is apparently considered really misogynistic but like... what isn't? But a confident girl in this cased could make it seem like I would have nothing to offer. I mean I've matured since then and have started to prefer ambitious women, especially if they have a bit of a humorous, Toph-like edge. But the attraction to girls who seem like they need a leg up is still there.

hahahmm · Answer

Those women are single because they're not attractive to men. You assert that they are attractive but that's just your opinion AS A WOMAN. Unless you're a lesbian talking about other lesbians your opinion on this doesn't matter.

You could be the hottest looking woman on earth and still be unable to keep a man or get one into serious because you're not attractive to men -- obviously then, attraction isn't all about looks even if some thirsty guys (who have never even been in a long term relationship) claim otherwise.

It's not our fault that when we tell you how to be attractive to men you dismiss what we say because it doesn't fit your preconceived wishes/guesses/hopes/dreams for how reality should work. If you want to be attractive to a man then be feminine, respectful, trustworthy. In a relationship be loyal. Be a team player. Yeah, all of this stuff runs counter to feminist ideology that demands women be strong, independent and self-centered. To the point where you cannot even listen to anything a man says.

Effably · Answer

Confidence is attractive.

It is also a trait people typically self-prescribe. A person feeling or thinking they are confident might not at all exude that to others. In fact most people do not brim with confidence meanwhile a very large portion would still claim they do.

Beyond that, of course it can be a little scary for a guy to approach in that situation. But again this is often misinterpreted. Someone having their thorns out and ignoring you isn't confident but arrogant. Yet given a choice would probably call themselves the more positive of the two. But to reiterate it can be scarier but generally isn't.

If I think about the people I know, the women I would consider confident all have an easier time relationship-wise than their similar non-confident peers.

Lionman95 · Answer

I think this phenomen is similar to when wanting guys to be more open with their emotions. While women wanting guys that are more open about emotions towards them not in general, guys are the same when wanting more confident women.
A guy wanting a confident woman has in mind that when he asks a question he gets a clear yes/no not something in between where he has to figure what she meant.
What he doesn't want is a woman to tell him how to live his life and what standards he should follow and so on.
It's this misunderstanding that leads to problems in my view.

shaysh87 · Answer

because here's what you need to understand about men:

men have huge egos. By dating a woman who is confident, it threatens his masculinity and confidence. This is because nowadays we have a lot of beta men who are unconfident. Unconfident beta men don't do well around confident assertive women. As you can see a lot of these guys on GAG call confident independent women to be "nasty feminists" or women who want to work careers to be " unwedable women". It all boils down to their egos being hurt. And also by a working woman, he is threatened by the fact that she can afford to leave him any time she wants. She doesn't need him if he doesn't fulfill her expectations. Nowadays, vast majority of men are insecure, unsuccessful which is why the sign of a successful woman scares them so terribly. Successful educated men with a proven track record of success tend to look for a woman who is closer to his own level.

MCheetah · Answer

" If confidence is so attractive to men..."

LEMME stop you there! Because no one says this! To WOMEN, yes, confidence is the most important trait. But men are not women!

But to answer the question, "why are so many confident women single?" It's because they're assholes. Their ego has nothing to do with how quality of a partner they will be, and if anything, hurts their chances, because like I said, men do not like egotistical women.

Which only makes me think you're just talking about yourself here. Men do not ego in women. So obviously yes, women without it WILL have an easier time finding relationships than high-ego women.

HighValue · Answer

Because most "confident" women ARE arrogant and entitles. And a lot of the other supposedly "confident" women still don't ask out decent men.

Confidence needs to be earned/deserved. Being confident while bringing MUCH less to a relationship is called arrogance, not confidence.
Bring as much to a relationship as a man does, then she would have something to be confident about, but very few ever will do that.

If you have a contest and person A is ranked 300 while person B is ranked in the top 10, do you expect person A to be confident and worthy of person A?
A confident woman is often person A in that scenario. She could be confident, but it is actually arrogance and overconfidence because she doesn't bring nearly as much. And overvaluing what she brings keeps her single.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

Show me where these women are. I thought I had one, found out I was wrong about her the hard way.

There was another who ended up just being bipolar and I happened to catch her on the upside before she completely switched. To this day one of the most confusing relationships I ever been in.

There was this other girl who a lot of girls dubbed as confident. She was rude and mean and randomly callous to people. Kept catching her looking at me and she would always beat around the bush texting me... To the extreme. Maybe a little closer, but still not confident.

I think the problem is

1. People think that confidence is a thing for manly men.

2. People's idea of what it means to be a man (especially a lot of these "confident" woman) is really fucked up and wrong.

TwinTonyz · Answer

I don't know that confidence is all that attractive to men. In my case, certainly not. Now I'm not gonna shoot down a woman just because of that, but confidence in general isn't really a fire-starter here.

I despise the notion that someone isn't worth knowing if they don't think highly of themselves, and that's plainly what confidence is. I'm often riddled with self doubt largely because there are a dozen factors which play into every situation, and I find value in begrudging pessimism. I can't tell you how many times everything worked out alright because I'd preemptively assumed the worst.

For some reason my mind comes back to infidelity as well. When the whole world is telling women to keep trading up for a better man, I don't see any reason to seek the personality trait which is going to directly enable that.

Guy13 · Answer

Depends how you define Confident
Confident Woman:
Confident Is: so secure in her feminity that she already knows “she’s got this…I’m not talking slutty attention getting…. even full pant suit with a confident and calm energy smile 😊
-actually is open about liking traditionalists girly things
-Gentile, little fragile, but not Weak (overly manly and whiny unconfident are Same)

What Confidence is not:
-shaking my hand like a man.
-need to emulate any guy.
-sports lover and a beer one of guy type, however, we love an athlete.
-overly competitive as men get that at work, gym, and/or pitch….

Wester1967 · Answer

Women always extrapolate what they are attracted to in a man as what a man would also find attractive in a woman. An attractive woman, according to many women, is supposed to have "all bills paid, have a good job, be an entrepreneur, be dependable and hard working, be responsible and have good investments. Own a house and a car. etc etc" ... Sorry. They are describing a man that is attractive to them. Not a woman that is attractive to men, which is an entirely different skill set. As long as this misperception remains, women will remain single.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

Sorry but I just don't see it. I love confident women. Most men I know don't want a wallflower. Every attractive/confident woman I know has always had men throwing themselves at them.

I think part of it is how women see romance - you could have 10 guys throw themselves at you just at lunchtime alone, yet you viewed them all as losers, so they don't count. You will then complain about the lack of men, completely writing off that 10 of them just died on the vine trying.

You've failed to consider the one thing that it the most likely problem: You.

It's not an easy pill to swallow, but perhaps between your habit of blaming everyone else, and your unreasonable standards on a mans worthiness are the problem.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

They could be single because they want to be single and also they are confident enough to be by themselves.

No matter confident or not if someone wants to be in a relationship they must bow a little to their respective partners.

Bc you have to be considerate with their wishes as well and may be their wishes won't be digestible for you but to lead a successful relationship that much coordination is required

Let's say i am vegeterian but my partner is not , and i cannot say they can't eat meat or something else i have to accept it so small small things go along way , but the people get egoistic to adjust to these small parameters hence couldn't carry on as couples bc they are confident enough to be by themselves

Anonymous · Answer

It's because so much of what women tell themselves about dating and relationships are just delusional coping mechanisms. You lie to yourselves too much, although many men do also, especially red pill dorks.

When it comes to your own attractiveness, you'd like to believe that being confident increases your chances. Especially if you have feminist views and like to think of yourself as being strong and independent, living life on your own terms etc.

If a man doesn't like you then it must be because you're too confident, and he prefers insecure, easy to control women right?

It couldn't possibly be that you're just not as attractive as you think you are. Or that you mistake arrogance, being overly entitled, or just being a pain in the ass for confidence..

It's the same cope "nice guys" have. In their minds they don't get rejected by women for being boring or unattractive, it's because they're so nice and women want to be treated like shit.

ReneD13 · Answer

Assuming we are talking about confident women and none of the negative traits that some people mistake for confidence I think the answer is simple. Insecure women are more approachable to most men, it's less intimidating. Fun fact, for a majority of men, the more attractive they find a woman the more difficult it is for them to approach them.

Anonymous · Answer

Most guys like submissive women.

Let's get an example shall we? A lot of guys are complaining about why they gotta pay for the date. Now imagine them with a woman who, when they were in washroom, "took care of the check". Guys might say here that's the dream woman but in reality they'd just walk out feeling unneeded and less manly — did she think he couldn't pay himself? If she wanted to pay, why didn't she take out herself? Does she make more money than me? Cuz that's nice... I suppose. She may not want kids. By a twist of luck, these pair stick. He, on one of the dates, points how she's great with kids. She now clarifies how she doesn't want motherhood... Now he's questioning why, is she not a biological female? But he thought he fucked just fine? Later is good, never? Why? Okay, she should be alone.

Anonymous · Answer

There could be a few reasons, but the most common is sometimes that confidence comes with ATTITUDE, that is really unattractive. Like with men, an arrogance or superiority, or, their body language might give that impression, even if they aren't like that. There's a difference between confident, and arrogance etc. Also a lot of the time I find those women often don't want to date, or are extremely "selective" lol, even more than "normal". That's just my experience/view. Confidence is extremely attractive, but if it comes with attitude (and often does with women), then it's a big turn off.

HighlyVolatile · Answer

I find the interpretation many women have of confidence obnoxious, like describing themselves as beautiful and acting like divas. I found my wife extremely attractive for her social confidence but it was a type that got her many friends, unaccompanied by vanity, little interest in social media, etc. It's like she's not afraid to be a goof in a social context, not that she thinks she's the hottest woman in the room.

If confidence is so attractive to men, why are so many confident (and attractive) women single?

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If confidence is so attractive to men, why are so many confident (and attractive) women single?

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