Why do most guy's say that I shouldn't chase women or just focus on yourself and do your own hobbies girls will come to you? ?

[poneglyphs]

I done that for years and haven't gotten closer to girl than I did 4 years ago. So is that just bad advice? I'm still the same shy, nerdy, funny guy but got no girls. I'm working and making more money but I just get home and sleep 😴. So, now what? I do go out by myself and join meetups.

So, what did I do wrong 😕

[RealMarek]

You have to make efforts in both ways (self improvement and approaching women). It’s paradoxical, but if you’re less concerned about whether you meet a girl at a meet-up or whether a girl will want a second date, you’re more apt to come off as attractive. Project confidence. For example, I know you worry about what happens when a girl finds out you’re a virgin, but instead of being awkward or apologetic you can answer in a way that emphasizes your value and good judgment like “I haven’t found the right woman yet.” Or if questioned about why you don’t drive, don’t be evasive or awkward. Just mention you haven’t saved enough money yet and don’t want to get into too much debt [smart, right?] but follow with what you are doing to gain skill and experience in order to get there. Will some women lose interest? Sure, but you want someone who values the potential in you. Hang in there. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

[RealMarek]

Another thing that is good is to cultivate a passion for something like a hobby, art, music, or intellectual interest. Something to pursue outside of work and exercise.

[poneglyphs]

I am going back on trails again when the spring starts. Also, I do want to learn how to play the piano

[RealMarek]

Those are good ideas.

[poneglyphs]

Yeah, I'm not just playing games and watch anime all day. I do other things and like going out whenever I can

[Jamie05rhs]

@poneglyphs This guy is a good dude. A breath of fresh air compared to some others I have heard.

@RealMarek Thank you for taking the time to help my friend here.

[RealMarek]

@Jamie05rhs Thanks! I’m confident that @poneglyphs will find a good woman eventually. I was very awkward around women when I was in my 20s. I wish I had been given more advice and encouragement then, and I feel it is more challenging for young adults to get into good relationships these days. I’m happy if any of my thoughts help.

[poneglyphs]

It does help just that I get discouraged a lot because I rarely have any success with women and rarely go on any dates. So, yeah I guess that's just confidence issues 🥺🥺🥺

[RealMarek]

I know it takes patience. Just try to hang in there. You have a lot going for you. Time is on your side even if it doesn’t feel like it.

[poneglyphs]

Yeah, but I am trying new things and having fun too. I'm not in my room all day now and sleeping. I go out whenever I can, I don't go to bars or anything like that but might in the future

[RealMarek]

Yeah, I think you’re on the right track.

[poneglyphs]

Oh, okay it just doesn't feel like I'm making progress with it but maybe I am?

[RealMarek]

Exactly. If you’re getting job experience/skill, exercise, and occasionally doing social things, you’re making progress even if it doesn’t feel like it.

[poneglyphs]

Ok, well that's what I'm doing so far. Now only tume would tell when a i would meet someone who likes me or likes to hangout and do things with me

[HighlyVolatile]

I'd echo that advice but with the extra suggestion to build your social circle, network, meet and talk to lots of strangers, and get over that shyness which might be the worst trait (it doesn't have to be a permanent one) inhibiting your chances. I also don't know if girls will come to you or not.

Yet you have to be pretty secure and content with your social life to typically secure a girl and especially if you want to keep her around. And most of all, improving and improving upon it will allow you to have a great time with great company (both men and women) which helps not only improve your chances of finding a good date but also gives you a lot of practice talking to the widest variety of people.

[HighlyVolatile]

One thing I recommend a lot from what I sense from you is to enjoy the *journey*. Don't make it all about the destination (ex: getting a girl). If you're at a social event, try to just enjoy the conversations you have with the people there, including any pretty women. See it as a win just to have nice conversations with people. See it as an even bigger win if you can make any potential friends. Then if opportunity strikes, you might find a perfect window to ask a girl out, and enjoy the process of asking girls out even if they turn you down. Try to enjoy the process and the journey.

[HighlyVolatile]

You get to this kind of stage (takes practice and especially if you're on the shy end) and it'll change the whole way you carry yourself, the way you talk, everything. It might be subtle but girls notice that subtlety of a man at a place comfortable with himself as opposed to the one that makes his ultimate mission to catch a girl. But if you really reach this stage, you have to be kind of okay with not having a girl. As counter-intuitive as it is, the best way to get a girl is to be among the most okay with not having one, and also being the guy who is just as selective about what women he's willing to date as the women he asks to date. So try to become as okay as you can with not having a girl, but give yourself as many chances as you can to meet really nice ones and talk to them.

[poneglyphs]

Damm this is some solid advice and I do sometimes worry about not dating and getting a jealous of my friends. Because they can get girlfriends while I can barely get a date. I do join these meetups to meet new people and talk to more people.

[RobT312]

Well yeah you need to make sure you are attractive to women but you have to do some chasing, that’s a given. You have to be confident and make the effort and go after someone you’d like to date. You can’t just stand by and wait for someone to come to you.

[poneglyphs]

Well, so far I haven't met anyone who I like. I don't talk to no one new

[Diodoro]

a lot of guys don't value having a dating life.

a lot of guys don't have a history of playing the field and all their relationships came by luck or their immediate social circle so they actually don't have any real advice to give.

a lot of guys more or less think if you just make money and have your own life the girls will come to you, which to a degree is true.

If you want real advice it's going to be catered more towards your situation. Like do you have a dating history at all? Have you had a girlfriend or had sex? Do you have your own place or with roommates/family? If roommates, are they cool with you bringing by girls?

Is your place easily affordable, how much time do you have to go out now? Few important factors

[poneglyphs]

Nope, no dating history at all, I never had sex let alone a girlfriend. I live with my family, I go out most weekends. @diodoro

[Diodoro]

At your age, first things first. Move out. Pick somewhere affordable for you within 2 miles from where you go out. Preferably closer. Walking distance is ideal.

[poneglyphs]

Kinda hard when I don't drive and rent here is like 1200 a month

[Diodoro]

Find 1-2 roommates online or people you know. That price isn't hard to meet even if you worked at Starbucks. This one change in your life will make a big difference in your self esteem as a man and your dating life.

Really comes down to how serious you are to grow

[poneglyphs]

Hmm maybe I know me and my friends were thinking about moving out but I still don't have a car and my work is 5 miles away. So, I need to get there everyday and back. My sister takes me to work daily

[Diodoro]

If it's at all possible to live both walking distance from work and where you go out that would be ideal. Actually that's just a general quality of life improvement I'd recommend to anyone.

If you live 2 miles from work, grocery store, whatever you need. Your stress levels day to day radically drop because you never feel rushed. You could hop on your bike and be out working 10 to 30 minutes on a bike

[poneglyphs]

Yeah, but its cold as fuck right now and don't want to deal with that. I'm saving money for a car and maybe driving classes.

[Diodoro]

Do you live in New York?

[poneglyphs]

Nope, chicago suburbs

[Diodoro]

Ah. Realistically in that area you can probably find a place like I'm talking about where you can get around with the subway or other public transportation

Don't they have a tram system to where you can just get pads that you load with money?

[JoyGirl]

They are right.
Work on yourself, and have a steady foundation.
Girls don’t flow to men like milk and honey. I am not cappin when I say that. 😂
Men seem to have a harder time getting women.
Also talk to girls and reach out. 👌🏾

[poneglyphs]

Well I try too just that most girls ghost me or rarely reply to me

[JoyGirl]

How are you approaching them?

[poneglyphs]

Some irl but mostly online. I don't meet many girls irl sadly. When, I do they rarely respond to me

[JoyGirl]

Try and go to local events, and make connections.

[poneglyphs]

Hmm okay I will try that

[Fuentes]

Well you ain't focusing on yourself as you should, why chase a girl when you can chase driving school and things that make you more mature thats what attracts women. Being a man, not someone still behind in life who thinks they deserve a girlfriend but can't do normal things as an adult.

[Jamie05rhs]

@poneglyphs There is a little bit of truth to what he said. You know what I mean? But take it in a positive way, not a negative way.

[DWornock]

I am sure there are girls that approach you but they don't look like this:

[poneglyphs]

Nope, only sellers or girl's with onlyfans like me. In real life no one approaches me

[Jamie05rhs]

Let me correct that sentence for you:

"Nope, only sellers or girl's with onlyfans PRETEND to like me in order to get my money."

There. Fixed.

[poneglyphs]

@Jamie05rhs kk, but yeah that's what I get online the most

[Jamie05rhs]

@poneglyphs I don't doubt it. We all get junk mail, bro. Gotta use your common sense.

[DWornock]

When a girl smiles and says "Hi" or does anything to get your attention, that is their method of approaching you. In that regards, girls like the above don't approach me. However, women like the following do approach me:
media.istockphoto.com/.../mature-woman-outdoor-picture-id920701994

[poneglyphs]

well, no one does that to me regardless.

[DWornock]

It is almost always a matter of looks or money and their may be little you can do about either.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yeah, it is kind of bad advice. If we're being real. Some people are well-intentioned but they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

[poneglyphs]

Yeah I figured

[Truthatanycost]

Do not confuse life purpose with a job or career, they aren't always the same thing.

[exitseven]

Yes, work on yourself but also do not spend your life playing video games. Make new friends, try new things and get a drivers license.

[poneglyphs]

Well that's what I'm doing and have been for the last yearq

[Humbletallguy6ft6]

If you're in a position where you've gotta chase down women then you're moving backwards... but there's nothing wrong with doing some hunting.
Women open it up wide for successful men.

[Wester1967]

Go read the part in Homer's Odyssey about Odysseus lashing himself to the mast and stuffing his ears with cotton as they passed through Scylla and Charybdis so he could not hear the sirens' calls.

[Jamie05rhs]

Solid comment right here.

[MasonAlucardthethird]

Basing your worth on what random women think of you is recipe for disappointment. Would think you would know that by your age. Take these peoples advice friend

[poneglyphs]

Sorry, haven't really dated much and still haven't gotten into my first relationship

[DaveJord]

Online date

[poneglyphs]

I try online dating people barely match with me.

[DaveJord]

It takes time and effort you got read on how to create a good profile and use the right pictures.

[poneglyphs]

I have been doing it for years and still nothing

[Jamie05rhs]

@poneglyphs He's right, though. Write better profiles and take better pictures. It's important.