Dating a guy with a kid?

[Icantsaywhoiam]

I met this one guy , he’s supper sweet , caring , and is just a version of me. He is 19 with a son , I am also 19 with no kids. He’s someone I would date but the only thing that’s holds me back is him having a son. he has a beautiful son ( doesn’t mean I don’t like his son or him) but the thought of him having a kid with someone else doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t mean to offend anyone who’s a single parent but I would prefer to be with someone who will be their first time also being a parent. I’ve never dated someone who has a kid so it’s also a reason why I don’t feel comfortable at the moment I guess soon will get used to it , what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Forgive me. You have to do what is best for you and it would be pointless - and needlessly likely hurtful to all involved - for you to become engaged in a relationship that you seem to think has no future. However, in a very real way you are being shortsighted.

Think of this young man. He is 19 years old and taking responsibility for his choices and his actions. He is showing care and compassion for a little person who has no one else. This is the deepest love. He does not need it, he chooses it for his son.

If he has custody - which is what I assume you meant - then the mother may not be very much involved. That said, if the mother has custody or is involved, then this young man has shown the maturity and emotional stability to make the necessary compromises that such a situation entails. This so he can be in his son's life.

My own situation is a bit different. My girlfriend and I have lived together for just over ten years and have three children together. About two years ago a woman whom I had a one night stand with before I knew my girlfriend tracked me down to tell me that I had gotten her pregnant and that we have a son together. She had not told me at the time because she had decided to raise the baby on her own, but as he has entered his teen years she decided he needed to know his father.

Suffice to say, I desperately wanted - and want - to be a part of my son's life and I regret that I have missed so much already. However, I was worried about how my girlfriend - mother to my three younger children - would take the news.

She has been amazing. Although my oldest son does not live with us - he spends some weekends, holidays and a few weeks in the summer with us - she has accepted him as if he was her own. When I told her how much this meant to me she told me - and I will never forget the words - "Honey I love you and it means so much that it is important to you to be a good father."

Here it was, a child I had with another woman. My girlfriend could have been furious, but instead she loves me and told me that my desire to be a good and loving father made me a better person.

So the question is: What qualities has this young man demonstrated that you would NOT want in a boyfriend/husband/father to your children? In a world filled to overflowing with men in a similar situation who dodge their responsibilities, what makes you think that this man is not worth his weight in gold and would be a good partner?

Also - and here believe me, I honestly do not mean to offend you - what do your preferences say about you and your values? Is your capacity to love so narrow that you want it only for yourself on your terms? Is that really love at all?

Bottom line, as I say, ultimately you have to decide what you want. That is only fair. However, the real underlying question is, what do you want in a romantic partner; why does a child make those qualities problematic, and is what you want really love at all?

Think about it.

[Anonymous]

In my opinon (just like many guys won't date women that are single parents - and it's not "wrong", a preference like many others), this isn't something to "get used to". If you're not comfortable with it (no matter for what reason (s)), it's eventually going to become an issue in the relationship and might be the cause of an eventual break up anyway. Your feelings are your feelings and I think it won't change because they are at your core. And like I said, it's not "wrong" so don't feel bad if you decide to end things with him. And when/if you do, you don't have to tell him that's the reason if you don't want to. You can simply say that he's a good guy, but isn't right for you and not what you're looking for and you wish him well (ie you're not a match).

[Anonymous]

19 is so young. Personally, I think it's too young to have kids or to take on someone else's child but I understand life happens and there's no age attached to when it does. With that being said, I can relate to how you feel. I too wasn't to keen on the idea of dating someone with kids. I wanted my first child (still do, god willing) to be my partners first child. In my opinion, when you date someone who doesn't have kids, you date the person. But when you date someone who has kids, you date the parent. There's a difference.

Dating someone with a child is like you're silently signing up to fulfill a future parenting role. You mentioned you're not fully comfortable with the fact that he has a kid. I think that's because you're not fully ready to play parent. You want to play parent when you're on your journey to becoming one and that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep in mind though, that if you do continue to date this guy, you will eventually have to play parent whether you're ready or not. Be sure that's what you want and if it's not find someone else who's where you are in life... 19 and childless. Good luck.

[SlothySlob]

Just say it like it is, you like him, you want him, but you don't want to be number 2 in his life.

Also, it's a good thing for you to be female and complain about this thing here, where I don't really see many single parents.

[Icantsaywhoiam]

That really is the reason

[Berethor]

Girls tend to care about it less than guys but it's your choice. Many guys don't date single moms.