Men I'd really love your opinions on this one! If you have a girl should she have to ask for your attentions. (Example, hugs and kisses, hand holdings, cuddles.) And some chicks like to be " put to bed" or whatever. Goodnight saying and kisses and what not.
Do you think your girl should have to ask for all this affection or should the boyfriend just want to provide it?
I want to do a test with my Significant other and see how much affection I get from him without asking. What are your opinions about that?
Updates
+1 y
I should probably mention. (I have talked to him. We have had discussions and this isn't something new that we are discovering. We know each other's love language I just don't feel like I'm being heard. ) Holy shit...
@MissUnknownn I actually believe this the very #1 problem with relationships. There is no well defined joint vision. If you don't ask or discuss what you both want in the relationship down to the smallest important detail such as this type of stuff; you'll never get it the exact way you want unless by chance.
What is more impressive @MissUnknownn is you asking and then that guy changing and doing what it is you are desiring. A guy that does that already, in quantity you desire , is already in the habit of doing such. That requires no change or effort by comparison.
Not all guys are ready made for relationships nor the relationship YOU desire. What is much easier is to grow into a great match instead of finding a pre-ready perfect match.
Obviously many of those things should be happening because they are an expression of the emotion he feels but in general my point stands. He may or may not do them frequently enough and if so it is perfectly okay because he can change. It would be more of a problem if he lacked a willingness to change when reasonable or doesn't have the life that would allow him to have space for such change. One can be so in love with the work they are doing that they show less attention to others. Attention does not always correlation with his love for you although it does correlate with his desire for you in that moment in time.
That means, when in a relationship, you ought to be loving if you want to be loved.
With that being said, be sure to keep in mind that your boyfriend may not understand everything what you want from a relationship, but perhaps you can give him a big picture to help him.
If I were your boyfriend, I would want you to ask if we could talk about things, and I would be delighted to hear about how much you want to be hugged, cuddled, kissed, held, affectionately snuggled and nuzzled. Your boyfriend may have no problem with being that guy for you, and he also may have no problem with you asking for these things.
I would recommend just letting him know that You want to the relationship to be more loving, and that you want to be more open, communicative, and intimate. Those things can greatly strengthen the relationship, especially if your boyfriend is open to your desires of wanting to be more physically affectionate.
Open Communication goes a long way, don't live based on assumptions, your boyfriend probably can't read your mind, so asking is a way for him to understand what you want directly, so talk about it with him.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
Sometimes you do have to ask because the other person might have a different idea on what’s sufficient and what’s not enough. My love language is physical touch so obviously I need a lot of hugs and kisses but my boyfriend doesn’t really care much for it. So we had to communicate to each other what our love languages are and the expectations that comes along with it. (Although deep down I wish that he could’ve been affectionate with me without me having to ask for it lol)
I think both is great.. communication is 100% key and sometimes maybe he’s not in the mood to touch but if you ask maybe he will give you a kiss. Just remember people aren’t mind readers. What you may want at the very moment, your partner may have no clue.
I understand that people can't read minds. And I do ask but that being the only way I get affection. You can see where I start to question if it's genuine or not.
I get sometimes people are not in the mood. However. I feel it should be natural to want to show and give your significant other affection as well.
@MissUnknownn totally agree, but if it’s something that is truly bothering instead of testing him maybe you should have a serious talk with him instead. I think if he truly cares and is open to listening to things that will make you happier, a conversation will get way further than testing your frustration
No if he cannot look into your eyes and know what you need at any given moment then something's wrong with that picture you should feel your energy in the air in his body when you want something plus it's just common sense that's who you are as lovers as friends as partners you can read you can understand each other facial expressions body language little tones of Voice and if he knows how to do all that that just proves to you that he is in tune with you and how much he cares for you you shouldn't have to ask for anyting
I don't want him to be able to read my mind But he does know me we have had conversations I have told him what I need what I'd like I asked him what he needs and I respect there's not always in the mood hell I'm not always in the mood.
But I don't wanna always have to ask! You feel me?
Show him that you APPRECIATE such attentions... most guys don't want to seem overbearingly smothering. If he sees you respond to such overt affection he'll most likely provide it. I LOVE pruriently watching my Spouse genuinely 'losing her shit' in adult foreplay much as when kids you'd get in merciless sadistic tickle fights!.
Personally, I LOVE giving that attention, despite knowing my Spouse is a fully-capable adult woman. I love both giving and receiving touchy-feely tactile affections! <3
First of, if you have to do a test, then clearly you were never secure in yourself and the relationship. You shouldn't have to ask, but you shouldn't have to test either. All you're gonna do is be in your head and over think to create an issue that was never there.
Second, how are you in a relationship and you don't know how to communicate about your needs and wants. This is the problem with folks like you and your boyfriend. y'all expect, but never speak. He can't read your mind and plus there's a chance he may not be the affectionate type. How is he your boyfriend and the both of you are not secure enough to speak on intimate needs? Are you tending to his needs? Why didn't you learn how affectionate he can be before you two got involved?
Third, don't you ever worry about what other people want. Be concerned on what's going on in your relationship and stop comparing it to others.
You make a valid point. I am doing this test because it's almost been 3 years and I have taken more notice that there is no affection unless I ask. And he isn't the physical type all to much.
Now secondly we have talked and expressed our wants and needs. He gets everything he wants and needs and I feel I'm always begging for attention. I have to disagree that their is an issue with me and my communication. But you reach a certain point in your relationship where your sick of asking that you have had that conversation enough times that you shouldn't have to keep having it. Right?
Also you say why didn't I learn. Well let's see. I did for one he was super affectionate when we first met. He was a different person. But as you know people change. The puppy dog or whatever people call it "phase" is over.
In the beginning it seems he would provide what I need. So yeah I did make sure.
Third. I get other opinions to make sure I'm not over reacting to a situation that may be normal. I have emotional trauma and damage from past so I want to make sure I'm not being "crazy".
This is the relationship you chose. This is the man you chose. It's been almost 3 years and nows it's almost loveless... you sure you don't have an issue with your communication or you're just denying you don't know how to approach the matter? You can only get sick of something when it's actually a problem, which the both of you currently have.
People don't change, they only reveal who they are overtime. Starting off super affectionate or strong in the beginning was a mistake. It was too fast and that's normally a recipe to a unpleasant dish. You didn't know that he was gonna do this until he did, now it's bothering you.
If you have emotional trauma and damage, the last thing you need is a relationship unless you're already receiving professional help to heal from it.
We don't know you or your boyfriend, but plenty of us have seen this situation time and time again. Fingers are pointed, but sometimes all you need to do is back up and give them some space.
What’s funny is Your gonna get Your Answer Answered and you may not like the Resulting answer. But no You shouldn’t need to ask for attention. You shouldn’t even feel in conversation that your not getting The Attention you Deserve. I understand The wanting attention in conversation. You just want to be recognized and seen for your accomplishments and not have everyone Be silent in conversation because that would mean What you are saying The other person doesn’t care or is not interested in What you are saying and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way
Best not to hang out with people that don’t See you for who you are. If people Think they know you Best not to hang out with those people either.
If you don't ask, he won't know what you want him to do.
He may think he's already giving you as much affection as you want, he may think you would get annoyed if he gave you as much as you mentioned on here.
You aren't testing him, you are being impossible and playing mind games, don"t do that.
In the long term, no, but when you're still getting to know one another, and learning about the levels and types of expressions of affection you both like, it's perfectly natural for a mismatch to make adjustments necessary; expecting them to be made without clear requests is just silly.
Is he occupied with anything? A hobby? I know when Im at my desk writing, reading or painting the rest of the world can disappear from my perception for hours upon hours at a time. If he's doing something like that, dont take it personally, just tell him to come spend some time with you. And keep talking to him.
well, in a perfect world, "help" of any/all forms would just pop down from the clouds. This is not a perfect world. While I would think that any guy worth his salt would want to comfort and service his gal to a reasonable degree, every once in awhile he may need to be reminded of that need for touch, etc., especially if that is not his major Love Language.
If you have to ask our love language either is not the same which can happen, o... something is wrong cause I don't do it if you don't ask.
You can't expect me to be romantic with words because that is not how I show affection. If you have to ask for me to show that affection, it means I express my love for you differently. It's not that the love is gone.
I think communicating when you want affection is healthy and should normalized, and your communicating your want and feel like your being ignored it best to move on. Feel lonely when your alone is normal but feel lonely when someone is next to you is just torture
It goes both ways, a boy will want to give a certain amount of attention and on top of that will learn to give a certain amount. So he may give less or more based on what his girlfriend tends to want. It can be tricky and the key is good communication. So if you’re testing him make sure to talk afterwards about what you expect and what you got. Nothing serious just a light hearted debrief.
Childhood upbringing can influence your "love language" just off the top of my head, here are a few "Love Languages" 1 touching 2 gifts giving 3 sharing thoughts 4 service (doing things for you without being asked) everyone has a different "love Language" maybe you just don't recognize his...
I don´t think it´s a good idea to ask for such things every day and in obvious manner because that would make you look either look childish or in someway also desperate. To some guys that´s attractive for others it isn´t.
I think part of the fun is learning what she likes.. If she wants me to be attentive, I will be attentive.. If not,, I won't. Being tested though? I'm not one for playing those games. I don't like them.
Some things can, and should, be spontaneous. If either partner would like their partner to show affection in a particular way, there's no harm in asking. For example, I often ask my partner, "Come here. I need a hug."
I don't feel you should have to ask for attention but if you want him to kiss you or whatever then I feel you should at least make it clear that you want to be kissed because who knows maybe you're not in the mood for kisses that day or whatever
I believe that a female/male shouldn't have to ask there other for attention because if he / she wants you you won't be asking for anything. Time , attention, etc.
sometimes its okay because he to needs surety that you are into him but if it goes for like always then its a red flag for sure. Avoid him he will get back to you tht's how it works.
Ask but not verbally, just come up give hug, thats communicating i want affection. And then i can take care for rest. And guy can do same back its communication without verbally talking about it.
I think a mix of both is good! Sometimes a guy loves for a girl to ask for something because it would make them feel special But also girls like receiving things without being asked! DO BOTH!
I don't believe a woman should ask for this but I definitely believe this should come with discussion and expectations are standards, therefore nothing can be confused or anyone feeling left out
Lmao that's not true. I do everything for my man. I'm currently taking care of him. AND I have to ask for sex from him. He currently is the one who blows me off.
Just to give you an example of something I do for my man. He hates working okay, it's not good for his mental health and makes him wanna blow his brains out. (So he says) so what did I do to help him make him feel better? Take a load of his shoulder.
I talked to him letting him know he can take time off of work and stay at home for a while. Get his life back together. Get happy again.. we agreed on 3 months of no work! That was last year!! It's now been 15 almost 16 months sense he has had a job!
He's taken advantage of me and completely used me. We never agreed on this. We're struggling. And shit. But here I am. Still with him. Because I care about him. I ask what's wrong. I communicate. Because I want what's best for him.
But you know what the craziest part is? Is the fact that I asked if I could take a break because I was struggling. And he told me "No, he can't do that. It would drive him mad."
So yes, sorry if I'm not getting what I deserve out of my relationship and want a little bit of that. Because I've done a lot and kisses and hugs are bare minimum.
Maybe the first few times , so many women don't like that in public places hopefully it not just me), you have to determine if she's hugging you out of affection, or is itore about the diamond bracelet you surprised her with., lol
The amount of attention he'll give you without asking largely depends on the guy. It shouldn't be an issue or concern for you unless you ask for more and he doesn't provide what you want.
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