How much baggage is too much when it comes to a potential partner?

[beebella]

Exactly what kind of baggage would prevent you from wanting to date someone?

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I don't know so much about baggage, but these are issues that make it impossible for me to date someone:

- children (I'm childfree and refuse to be unfair to the children by dating their parent - all three parties deserve better matches, especially the kids)
- unmanaged mental illness (must be medicated, have a stable therapy routine, and be able to manage their mental health)
- unresolved trauma from previous relationships
- inability to handle stress or crises
- still forming their personality/values (I'm getting to the age where I expect people to have an idea of their values and boundaries and don't want to have the emotional labour of supporting someone still growing into an adult)
- sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. (this kind of delusional and hateful baggage is an immediate turn off)
- indecision and inability to take initiative

Certainly not a comprehensive list, but these are the immediate red flags that make me dismiss someone as a potential date.

[petitedollbabee]

When I hear baggage I think of emotional trauma/mental health issues that they haven’t worked through.


I can’t date someone who hasn’t gotten over their ex and compares me to their ex. I can’t date someone who has never been through therapy for serious mental health issues, and refuse to accept that they have any problems when said problems are actively ruining their life. I can’t date someone who has no friends and no good relationship with any of their family, as that’s usually a dead giveaway that there’s something wrong with this person if no one wants to be around them.


I consider that all baggage, each individual reason would stop me dating someone, but if someone had all 3 of those problems, I wouldn’t go near them at all.

[Juxtapose]

It's one of those things that if I was really popular with women and could get dates easily I would not tolerate much at all. I. HATE. BAGGAGE.

But every woman I have dated has had some kind of mental illness or some kind of horrific abuse in her past so it's something I have to deal with if I want to get dates.

Let me be clear, I don't mind women who have been through some shit but when every single relationship I have is with severe damage attached to it it makes me start to wonder what I am doing.. like I wouldn't even mind the baggage if my reward for being patient wasn't to get belittled and then dumped.

[dolemite89]

i don’t want kids so if she has kids it’s a no go but when i’m older id be ok with dating a woman whose children are grown up tho that’s different. If she has a crazy ex’s that may cause more drama or even overbearing family that we always have to interact with i’m out. There’s lots of things people consider “emotional baggage” that I lump all into one category that girls use as an excuse to act shitty, won’t put up with that either. if she’s mentally ill that’s an immediate red flag. I know this list is like 95% of women but that’s life 😂

[Anonymous]

It's impossible to fully answer this question. Do you treat everyone you know the same? No. Because they're different people. The more baggage she has the harder she's going to have to work.
But to give you an idea. 1. Does she have any illegitimate kids or kids from a previous marriage. 2. How many relationships has she had (this one's a hard one to substantiate as she doesn't have to divulge this if she doesn't want to. But if she hides it and I find about it later well not only is she sneaky but now she's a liar to boot). 3. how much debt is she in.
I know you're probably going to read and say why these 3. Well all 3 speaks to her character (or lack thereof), as well as her decision making.

[Nawlins34]

1.) Exiting a toxic relationship/environment WITHOUT going to counseling or give herself to process her emotions and heal

2.) She's a mother and won't allow the dad to see his children without good reason
3.) When the issue is logical in nature and she justifies illogical approaches.

Depending on how talkative she is, I can get all of this before the 1st date and if I do, adiós.

[DizzyDesii]

“Baggage” doesn't bother me too much. I’ve dated someone with a child, a crazy stalker, etc. But i guess I was a bit bothered by the ones suffering depression or the ones who had been physically abused as a kid. I just wasn't sure how to handle those situations sometimes. I don't know if i’d date someone who was previously married. The main baggage that would bother me is if he’s slept with more than a handful of people. I wouldn’t date him.

[DizzyDesii]

And yea i wouldn't date anyone with a drug use history nor someone whos gone to jail for something that wasn't minor. Okay and if they’re a stripper, nope. If they’re in debt, nope. So yea i guess baggage does bother me lmao

[JSmuve]

Anything that harms the relationship is too much. If she can't handle it, then I'm not taking on that responsibility for her.

Emotional and mental health issues, serious health issues, children, trust issues, controlling behaviour, drug/alcohol problems, other destructive addictions, criminal history

[Texasgal95]

I don’t know really but we all have bags so it’s gonna be be regardless but I guess the key is is the other person willing to except your baggage and are you willing to except their and work together to overcome that baggage

[Anonymous]

1. Mental issues
2. already having kids
3. Too emotional
4. Abusive
5. Smokes
6. Alcoholic
7. cries over everything
8. Had more meat in her than a freezer
9. Too much debt/not good w money
10. High maintenance
11. Bitter
12. “Independent” woman who doesn’t need a man attitude
13. Full of herself, looks down on others
etc.

[naraku]

A few thing's I avoid:

1. Kid's with different dad's.
2. Every third word is "my ex".
3. Money issue's, no income.
4. If they tell you negative things about themselves. eg
"I am always the one who gets dumped"

"I have been fired from my past 2 job's and I think it's unfair "

"My ex owes me $20,000 but is not willing or making it easy to get it back "

[TrueConfection]

Only the kind they are still carrying everywhere they go. If they are still living in their past, it's too much.

[NathanDavis]

that depends on the baggage itself

if they're ex-convict murderers... maybe I don't want any of that, lol

[AshKet]

It isn't about too much, there isn't such a thing as too much baggage for me. The issue arises when people aren't doing anything about their baggage. TLDR go👏to👏therapy

[Daniela1982]

If Jerry Springer makes this face it is too much.

[Redstang88]

When SHE can’t deal with it and it impedes our relationship
I’m not your fucking ex, give me a chance to treat you right and I will. Keep finding girls that are so used to being treated like shit that they get bored as soon as someone shows genuine honesty and affection

[Still-alive]

Either they carry Samsonite or no deal!

[jshm2]

Any.

While everyone has history, few have a checkered one that you can trust.

Hence it's usually enough to ask if they have convictions and people they've done wrong.

[melanieeeB]

Uhm my first thought was mental illnesses and outcomes from that, like hurting themselves and etc... I don't do that

[TadCurious]

Isabel I can think of 2 kinds of baggage right off: 1) a criminal past, and 2) unresolved issues with an ex or exes where those issues are still being dealt with.
😊🙋‍♂️

[Andres77]

My wife realized some messed up stuff was going through my head. It was before our first anniversary that she gave me an ultimatum. Therapy or divorce.
It worked. She was too good to lose so I went.
It made a huge difference.
Timing...

[FilmGuy93]

Dude... I don't know if I'm becoming more of a hardass, or what, but I am way less tolerant of people's baggage now than I used to be.

[HighValue]

If they have a past of drug use, heavily drinking alcohol, have a kid from someone else, or have the morals of a democrat, that is all unacceptable.

[DarkWinterNights]

Recent divorce, too many kids, daddy issues, hard drug or alcohol abuse, extreme depression or mental health episodes.

[TommyMountainFigure]

There's no line in the sand for me.. I'll base every situation as I find them.

[Fuentes]

To many Kids & kids with more then one baby dad divorce, had to many abusive ex's, has severe mental issues that can't be in check, cheated in the past.

[Fuentes]

And Criminal history more then one time assaults, thefts or felonies or DV

[loveslongnails]

What "kind" of baggage? Mental or emotional baggage that keeps you from functioning as an affectionate, kind and loving person.

[TacosRAwesome]

So prison, history of addiction and children are too much. But things like unsolved issues with exes might be if they're not working to get over that.

[AndrewMG]

An equivalent level of baggage as mine, I mean I wouldn't want to date any one as weird as me lol

[exitseven]

If somebody was a hooker or a drug addict it would give me pause.

[Lucious22]

This is a excellent question, I’d have to be a history of drugs, abuse (being the abuser herself ) or some serious criminal charge

[Slim57]

Multiple kids from different men, if she's jumped on more wood than in the Amazon rainforest

[Intothevoid666]

If they are a hard drug addict that’s def a limit for me

[bamesjond0069]

Pretty much any if its from prior relationships. Don't need that shit.

[Msputiton]

I don't know, moment the drama becomes draining I'm out

[Anonymous]

If he had a girlfriend then I'm done with him. It's too much for me even though if he broke up with her already. I want a clean man without a past

[Juxtapose]

You're only going to ever date absolute losers without any social skills then xD

I'm autistic and I was asked out at age 15, how are you going to find a guy who has never had a date?

[Anonymous]

If a girl have more than a handful of partners, she has to much baggage.

[LonelyTimes]

I want a woman without a romantic past, meaning no previous boyfriends or first love.

[Juxtapose]

Then you are going to have LonelyTimes ahead.

[LonelyTimes]

@Juxtapose How do you know?

[Juxtapose]

Because I am an autistic male and even I was asked out by the time I was 15. Women are asked out at very high rates compared to an autistic man..

And add on top of that how regular ass dudes are having trouble finding regular ass women today and you're in for a rough ride my friend.

[Guardian45]

There's no one rule, but ugly or malevolant personality would be prime reasons.

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

If you can't carry it, its too much.

[slatyb]

An angry ex. Unresolved addiction.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

When a partner has no kind of income

[Luckycharms12]

Depends on the person and the problems

[anylolone]

It's not how much, but what kind.

[Nahid1707]

It does depend on the person

[ITGirl95]

Several baby mamas

[Anonymous]

Previous sexual partners.