I am incredibly insecure at 25 with not much dating experience. How do I get myself out there?

Question

Key things that keep me away from dating
1. I'm really overweight. I'm 325 pounds at 5'5. I feel exhausted on a daily basis and am actively working to lose the weight once and for all.
2. I have vaginismus. Basically regular sex is painful for me and I have been rejected before once the potential guy found out... which was early on since I knew I never wanted to string someone along. I was in physical therapy but stopped due to costs however I will get back on my dilating journey because it's something I genuinely want to fix.
3. I am in debt from school. I have about $160K in total debt and while I'm making payments and would never allow someone else to take that on, I feel like it would make me undesirable even though I am 100% accountable for it. It definitely limits me on what I can do... for example, I've wanted a cat for years and almost got one last month but I couldn't bare not being able to take care of a pet properly due to finances so I once again stuffed down that want.
4. My lack of experience. I feel like now at 25, this lack of experience would be considered a bad thing because I have very limited sexual experience. Since I really don't know what I like or have experience, how can I be a good sexual partner.

I am average looking but those things are what I consider would be my red flags for a potential partner and why I just keep to myself. I just don't feel good about myself, but I am overwhelmingly lonely at times. I crave hugs and just affection overall.

With all that being said, can anyone offer any tips or maybe past experience they can share that might help me get myself back out there? I just don't know how to navigate the dating world post COVID and with those things going against me...

I'm sorry if this seemed a bit negative, but it's what I'm feeling inside.

Wsx2wsx2ws · Accepted Answer

Wow thanks for that candid and humble bravery sister. That right there tells me the core is good. So you can fix the rest.
First 25 is young. You are starting out. 24/25 is when the brain finally is fully developed. So let all that time anxiety go.
The biggest contributor to anxiety relief is doing something, any small thing, daily. The motivation comes just from starting. You might be like me. All in your head but no action. When I do act its night and day difference.

Weight - is BS. Health is what you want to think.
You need 3 things off the top of my head.
1) recognition (using that beautiful humility)
2) Suport, and
3) A plan.
1) Look at what contributed to where you are today. I bet from feeling overloaded by debt and feeling low you are stress eating. Plus stress = cortisol = weight gain. So cut the stress eating and the stressing. How?
2) Support. You CAN do this. ya you need to pare up or get a group. Alone I doubt you will make it. Its possible but not statistically. Get you a hated buddy to drive you crazy and push you so you can't stand them. Then know deeply you do love them because they love you that much to do this with and for you.
3) Plan. I suggest you look into Keto and Intermittent fasting. Its pretty easy - proven effective. It will happen no doubt. Check out Dr Barry or Dr Eric Berg on youtube.
Get you something that will count steps. Almost all phones have this. Go walking, get out side, Walk in the mall if you have to, join a group of people who do. Confess you need help and watch them gather you under their wing. 325 is pretty heavy so take it easy and increase a little each week, then daily. Be patient.
Also, you said you did therapy. Remember what you did in therapy. Try to do some of the routines from that.

Debt- This pretty much the same thing. Acknowledge, Support, plan.

The Debt vs Date - you got the cart before the horse. If you go out with friends you don't talk about your debt with them. That is saved for a confidant, a trusted close friend who can help. So if you go out on a date that does not need to be mentioned. You are not even proposing. just have fun and be alive and experience the world with no commitment. You need this to help relieve stress. You have to enjoy life along the way. And sex is not a necessary part of it. I don't care how Q#$% up your life is, I can go out with you and just have a crap ton of fun. Just as a friend.

Vaginismus - my exwife apparently had this. It was a thing. Often it is caused by a nervous condition much like the trauma. And it was not till we where divorced that I was told the possible cause - she was molested. Looking back with the new info it made a lot of things more clear. Especially doctor visits made more sense. And even the reason she twisted around and left. I don't really know for sure.
Our sex life wasn't great, but it was not horrible.
So point is that its not something you need to let overshadow your outlook.
You don't need to tell us how you came to the conclusion you have Vaginismus. But from they way you put it, I have to wonder if the diagnosis was professional.
Sex is going to hurt with a duffas. If you get aroused and can pleasure yourself I am wagering a confident sum of money its just inexperience and lack of understanding on HIS part that you decided Vaginismus was your problem. I say that is very sad. Give that some serious thought and experiment. Get some toys.

So I say you have a bright future just the same as many other people in your boat. People have overcome much worse. It would be a joy to see your transformation.

Lliam · Accepted Answer

Based on your very well written comment I can tell that you are smart, educated and quite literate. So, right off the bat, you have a lot to offer. That also gives you the tools to address your problems systematically.

Don't get overwhelmed. Address one thing at a time.

So, number one, work on your weight. Limit the kind of food you eat and measure your portions. Three meals a day. No cheating. But you can snack on certain veggies 24/7 if you want. Get used to drinking water. Eliminate sugars and artificial sweeteners. Use a bit of honey. stivia, monk fruit (liquid), and dates when suitable. Some fresh fruit is good. Eat a balanced diet of protein, carbs, fats, fruit and veggies. But cut way back on carbs. I addition, start walking around the block once a day. After a few weeks, push yourself to walk a mile and then two. If you can get up to walking five miles a day, you'll get to your ideal weight quickly.

When you are happy with your physical condition, you'll feel better about yourself in general and have more confidence.

Don't worry about your age. You're still very young.

It sounds like you are determined to be responsible for your finances. Kudos. That subject shouldn't even come up, though, when you start dating. So don't worry about it.

I have no idea how vaginismus is addressed. That's rough. I hope you find a resolution to that.

I can relate to loneliness and craving hugs and affection. I had girlfriends beginning at 16. But for reasons that aren't worth going into, I started gaining weight in my late twenties. I didn't have a girlfriend for over five years because I didn't like myself. I didn't want the kind of girlfriend who would want me for a boyfriend.
I went on Weight Watchers, started exercising, and gradually lost the weight. I felt good about myself and started dating again when I was 34. I had the best time of my life in the second half of my 30s and then met my future wife when I was 40.

Horror_lover92 · Accepted Answer

Trust me it will get better.
A little life story about my self... I'm 4"11 when I met my boyfriend I was 290 we've been together for 5 years now, I'm finally at 220. For looks I always say I'm a 5/10 even though everyone says I'm beautiful and thinks I'm 18 or 19 and this is coming from people I don't even know. It's just that I don't believe it. My parents and I was also homeless living in our car and hotels for awhile. I was lucky enough to find a job, I saved enough including the money my mom saved from working at a grocery store at night time and during the day my dad was doing door dash , we found a nice manufacturer home and even a better I now own a nice used car to help save money for gas. Even at my job, my boss promoted me to join the management program and I've only been working there for a year.
My parents and I went through some struggles. I was depressed during my early to mid 20s. If I could go back in time to tell my 21 year old self all the good things that is happening I wouldn't believe it.
It's going to be hard, but trust me it will get better. Just try your best to think positive and work on yourself, even taking baby steps will help in so many ways.

Texasgal95 · Accepted Answer

I know it’s OK sometimes you just need to take time to work on yourself and get yourself in a good position before entering into a relationship before my current relationship I was single for four years straight I was finishing up my bachelors degree I was like if somebody comes along sure and then I just hear they’re saying I need to work on I just didn’t feel like that moment I was in a position for but don’t feel rushed are starting is it that you have to have certain things done by a certain age but it shouldn’t really matter do What

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

If you look at all of those problems in one go, I don't know how you even motivate yourself to get out of bed in the mornings.. So, here is what I would do if I suddenly found myself in your shoes.

Cereal with milk/ tea no sugar/ pint of water (Breakfast)

4 oz Chicken/ Sice of dry bread/ any drink without sugar (Lunch)

Cooked vegetables / Boiled pasta - weighing 2oz precooked (Dinner)
Fruit whenever you get hungry throughout the day (up to 1 plain yoghurt per day)
Substitute grilled fish/ lemon juice/ black pepper for lunches

Keep to that diet for a month.. THEN.. as well as the diet.. start to walk even if just around the block for 30 minutes a day.

You don't have to listen to my advice, I am very biased in always thinking on the physical aspect of a person's health first and foremost before the mental aide of relationships..

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Shamalien · Answer

Okay so there’s a lot of stuff you wanna work on here, and it can be overwhelming when we try to do too much at once. Definitely focus on losing the weight, as that will make all your other goals more easily attainable. Don’t worry about lack of experience or dating or anything like that, it’ll all come a lot easier when you’re in shape; you’ll naturally feel more positive

anton_dee · Answer

1. Go on a diet. Two advantages will be - you lose weight and you kinda save money you spend on excessive food. Trust me, each food item may seem to hardly cost but when cummulated over a month its big money.

2. Take up a hobby that pays too. Like art work, etc. Or maybe a parttime job. It'll keep you busy n pay bills too.

Concentrate on the above points and automatically your dating scene and debt issues will improve for the better.

Avicenna · Answer

You’re putting the cart before the horse here. You need to lose a lot of weight to protect your health. That should be your first priority. If you can’t lose the weight through diet and exercise, you need to look at gastric bypass surgery.

Nahid1707 · Answer

Remember to educate yourself and be aware of red flags 😊

In_Trance · Answer

one date at a time

Kim7mik · Answer

Hi Bella. Welcome 😊

I am incredibly insecure at 25 with not much dating experience. How do I get myself out there?

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