If a guy is almost 30 and has never dated or had a girlfriend, is that a red flag?

[Anonymous]

Yes

No

Depends on the reason why

[Seinna]

Well it's not good unless it was by choice, for example because of religion or focusing on education/career before looking for a woman to settle with. And in that case it's only for people who share that specific worldview.

Still, by that age most people have experience of being in a relationship and you learn a lot through that process... not many will be willing to accept that kind of inexperience. And it's also not related to sex or intimacy, but simply sharing life with another person, perhaps living with them. That will depend on your maturity and if you maybe had experience sharing a flat with a stranger, emotional control, conflict resolution etc

So yes, it can be and in many cases is a red flag. But whether it's something to deter a potential partner will really depend on what you have to offer - your attractiveness, personality, education/career and how well rounded you are as an adult in other areas.

Anyways I think a bigger red flag can be the fact that this potentially being a red flag is affecting you so much. Mingle and meet people - you don't tell strangers your relationship history at your first meeting, it usually takes a while before you do. You don't have to approach women with "I never had a girlfriend", just get to know them first and let them get to know you as well. If you yourself don't view it as a red flag, ie something that hinders your ability to form a good relationship then they will be less likely to see it that way too. Women like confidence above anything else.

[Asker]

Well for me, I saw a few friends get rejected pretty frequently starting back in elementary school with innocent crushes and all the way through high school. I felt that since I was associated with them, I would suffer the same fate and that I should not even bother trying so that I didn’t have to suffer the same embarrassment and hurt feelings that they did, but I knew that being alone and untouched wouldn’t be easy either, I just saw it as the lesser of two evils at the time. So I knew I needed to numb myself emotionally in any way that I could since being alone as a result of not asking anyone out would still depress me, so I started smoking as much weed as I could afford to buy and started drinking as much as I could come across alcohol, I eventually started fermenting grape juice from the store and started drinking that to keep myself numb and it only got worse after I turned 21 and could buy alcohol legally.

Getting into gambling followed after that as well as abusing prescription drugs, all because I have believed that I would have zero success if I ever tried to ask anyone out. So that’s my story and where I’m still at today. I appreciate you being honest by saying that not many girls will be willing to accept the kind of inexperience I have, and no I’ve never lived with anyone because I still live at home with my parents. I guess the path forward for me is to continue abusing drugs until it finally does me in, I’ve already had alcohol poisoning twice, hopefully the third time will be the charm and I won’t be lucky enough to survive.

[Nartel458]

Yes, because if he is 30 years old and never had a girlfriend, there is something suspicious. It is impossible for him not to be talking with someone during those years and not being able to at least have a girlfriend. The other thing could he that he is a fuckboy. You know best.

[Asker]

Its very possible, I can confirm that I’ve never talked with someone during those years and I haven’t been able to get a girlfriend either. So obviously I’m not a fuckboy if I haven’t even been able to do that. Dating and sex just comes so much easier to girls to the point that they take it for granted and they aren’t aware that it’s a whole different experience for guys and it doesn’t come nearly as easy for us, so yes its very possible for a guy to experience this, get out of your sexual validation bubble and realize that.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

For me, absolutely.

I'm not dating someone who's never had a relationship before. There's a lot of learning that happens during your first relationship and I'm past that stage.

[Asker]

You and most girls in my age group in seems. Its really fucked up that you would rather just let guys like me stay alone for the rest of our lives and rot. And before you say I’m just one girl and there will be others who won’t care, look at the poll results because your opinion is the majority and not one girl has said that its not a red flag. Girls just wanna banish guys like me to be alone our whole lives.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

What happens with your life is not my business. I'm not "letting" you do anything. You're letting yourself rot.

There's 33% who say it depends. So you definitely could get lucky.

I can't speak for other people, but I'm okay if you're alone your whole life. That's not really affecting me in any way. Or affecting anyone but you.

And if this is your response, it's no wonder you've never been able to date. Not only do you sound miserable and back it up with self-pity, but you blame others for your own life.

It isn't your lack of experience that makes you undatable. It's your personality.

[Asker]

Well yeah of course I’m miserable, I’m sure you would be too if you were almost 30 and had never been with anyone, I’m sure you probably got your first relationship when you were a lot younger, so its impossible for you to truly know what this situation is like and how being alone for this long affects a person. You literally said that you would write off a guy like me without question, 6 girls have now said its a red flag so I’m not wrong to blame others because I’m not even given a chance because of this, regardless of anything else that makes me who I am. Well clearly you and the majority in this poll seem to think its my lack of experience that makes me undateable lol.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

No, dude. My first real relationship was at 21ish.

And you're the one ignoring the poll, man. You forget you put that in there? Not everyone who votes will give you a text answer, too.

I maintain that you - a 30yo man - are bitching and whining about how the entire gender is a certain way just because that's your only experience.

It's not ONLY your inexperience that makes you undatable. It is primarily your personality.

Not many grown women want a whiny manchild who blames other people rather than taking charge of his own life.

What's in your life that would make someone interested in you? Instead of thinking about what you lack, why not focus on building up things you like? It's not substitute for a personality, but it could at least make you interesting enough to converse with.

[Asker]

21ish is still a relatively normal age for your first relationship and it’s still young. Obviously I remember what I put in the poll and the majority are still voting that its a red flag, twice as many picked that option compared to the others.

My personality became jaded because I’ve been alone my whole life and the entire gender is a certain way since the most of you said that you’ll write off a guy like me regardless of anything else that we might have going for us, solely because we don’t have any experience, you actually acknowledged that the inexperience makes you undateable. Why does it even matter to you what’s in my life because you’ve already admitted that you’ll automatically write off a guy like me just because I have no experience. So clearly that doesn’t even matter to you and you just threw that in to save face because you already said that a guy with no experience is getting written off regardless.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It doesn't, but I can recognize someone in pain when they're as relentlessly self-loathing as you are. And that's just sad, genuinely so.

You have no effect on my life, and I have no effect on yours - but I still do hope that you find yourself things that make you happy, and whole. I know how it felt to not have those, and have some really weird gender perceptions due to how I was raised.

It took years for me to overcome those, and I hope - from one human to another - that you can overcome your issues, too.

I don't like you, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve happiness. I don't have to like you to want you to be happy.

I honestly do not care if you ever get off your pity potty. You're a grown man and you have every opportunity available to you to make your life better.

I just hope you get out of your own way.

[Asker]

I don’t deserve happiness, I deserve to suffer like I am right now if anything. A girl I was interested in got into an abusive relationship with someone else who was interested in her at the same time I was, all because I couldn’t get the confidence to make a move. Now I share responsibility for what happened to her because I never made a move.

Also, read my reply that I gave to someone else who commented on this:

For me, I saw a few friends get rejected pretty frequently starting back in elementary school with innocent crushes and all the way through high school. I felt that since I was associated with them, I would suffer the same fate and that I should not even bother trying so that I didn’t have to suffer the same embarrassment and hurt feelings that they did, but I knew that being alone and untouched wouldn’t be easy either, I just saw it as the lesser of two evils at the time. So I knew I needed to numb myself emotionally in any way that I could since being alone as a result of not asking anyone out would still depress me, so I started smoking as much weed as I could afford to buy and started drinking as much as I could come across alcohol, I eventually started fermenting grape juice from the store and started drinking that to keep myself numb and it only got worse after I turned 21 and could buy alcohol legally.

Getting into gambling followed after that as well as abusing prescription drugs, all because I have believed that I would have zero success if I ever tried to ask anyone out. So that’s my story and where I’m still at today. I appreciate you being honest by saying that not many girls will be willing to accept the kind of inexperience I have, and no I’ve never lived with anyone because I still live at home with my parents. I guess the path forward for me is to continue abusing drugs until it finally does me in, I’ve already had alcohol poisoning twice, hopefully the third time will be the charm and I won’t be lucky enough to survive.

[Apulu_Imback]

It's not a red flag. They must be getting settled with their life. My dad also never dated anyone till he was 32 because he was a workaholic.

[Kavya_123]

Not at all. Trust me. Age is just a number. I have seen many guys getting married in early 20s and bored of their wives in early 30s. Ignore Girls who reject you for your age and no relationship experience.

[Asker]

Well your opinion is in the minority so 🤷‍♂️

[Anonymous]

Yes, that is not a good sign.

[Asker]

So your fate of being alone your whole life is pretty much sealed by this point huh?