Friends with benefits has left me on delivered for 24+ hours?

[Anonymous]

Been fwbs for 1 & 1/2 years + and he almost gave me an std. since then I hadn’t spoken to him and then he came crawling back seeing me 3 days in a row literally begging and crawling at my feet. We have unbelievable sexual chemistry and he admitted to catching feelings but now I’ve let him come back & we have had sex multiple times and keeps flaking on me now.

now he’s left me on delivered for almost 24 hours which he’s never done before I can’t work out if he’s forgot, isn’t interested or is playing games

[HollyK21]

Maybe it’s good for him to have left you on read, so you can mentally start establishing the “friend” part of your situation. Talking and seeing each other so often only blues the lines of your arrangement, and make you put your guard down because you start wondering if there’s more than sex to it. He isn’t having those issues though. He knows what it is, and even if he had to beg for the sex, now he’s gotten it and doesn’t need to work so hard.

[HollyK21]

**blurs

[Asker]

Even then he keeps initiating plans with me and then flaking on me it’s driving me mad, I don’t like having my time wasted waiting on him only for him to cancel last minute. I’ve told him about this and he again apologised and then has done it again I’m just lost with what he’s doing

[HollyK21]

If someone kicks you in the shin, you tell them not to do it, they say oh my bad I won’t do it again, then you let them do it again... what does that tell them? It says she keeps letting me do this, so where is the incentive to stop? At some point if you’re really tired then you put your foot down and stop letting him do what he does. Because you can get great sex from anywhere, even a toy for yourself. What should come first is the respect you demand from others and the respect you give yourself. He won’t respect you or your time if you’re showing him that a little consistency and a little pleading gets him right back in your bed or vice versa.

[Asker]

This is what I’ve been trying not to show him I withdrew so much to the point I was willing to drop him then and there and now the tables have flipped and I feel like I’ve lost all control. I’m scared of losing him but I also don’t want him to walk laps around me. It’s all so hard

[HollyK21]

You can’t lose what’s not yours — read that again if you need to. You’re afraid of losing this messy friends with benefits situation... don’t do that to yourself. Put your foot down and take control back by letting go of that fear. This isn’t your man, so shift your mindset back to what it was when you weren’t so scared.

[HollyK21]

I should also note that a good learning point with this situation is that you do not want casual sex. I think we trick ourselves into settling for this because it’s so normalized, but no woman wants to feel used and discarded, and 9/10 we get attached anyway so why even start in the first place. You would be so much better being honest with yourself about what you want from a man, and consider being celibate until you get it.

[Asker]

Thank you for that reminder I do need to re enter that mindset of I can’t lose what’s not mine, I am mad I let him back. He did have a good excuse which if you’re willing I would like an opinion on, it is sensitive so don’t feel obligated. The whole thing is a bit weird. The only reason I let him back in is that he sent me a text that said effectively that his friend unalived himself and that he tried to do the same a couple weeks later. I took it as a cry for help and so therefore said I would be therefore him. When I asked another opinion my friend said it could have just been a ploy to come back, but again it is a really sensitive subject and it’s hard to call bull on something like that

[HollyK21]

Of course, I don’t mind sharing my opinion on that at all. Like you said, it is a very sensitive topic, and what I truly hope is that he would not use an experience like that to gain your sympathy. I’d never take away from what he went through, and I’m sure it was traumatic. However, accountability is important, and when he repeats that pattern of flaking, along with other hurtful things, it has nothing to do with his friend and everything to do with him disregarding you and your time, along with disrespecting you as a person. It is a huge slap in the face to have you take him back, only to disappoint you again and again. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, and be a better person if not to you then to the next woman. Along with his friend passing, I am sure he’s been through other hurtful things, because you don’t just become the sort of man he is overnight. But we all have pain in our past, and it’s no excuse to be shitty to someone in our present who doesn’t deserve it. If he’s broken or dealing with trauma, then he needs to heal from his demons before causing chaos and hurt in someone else’s life. You can only control what you do, and how you respond. At this point, I think it’s time to stop giving chances and accepting his poor behavior. Personally before my current boyfriend, I set a standard and the standard was not to accept anything less than what I was willing to put out. If I’m a person who doesn’t flake, doesn’t break promises, is loyal, etc etc, then it’s absolutely fair to accept nothing less from a man I’m dealing with. I think you should consider a similar practice.

[kylee2437]

Well you run the risk of stds when having sex, especially with someone that isn’t your official partner and it seems like you two haven’t discussed sleeping around with other people when it’s clear he probably sleeps with other people. He doesn’t owe you much response when you have already agreed to giving him what he wants without respect for yourself.

[Asker]

We had an agreement when we first started seeing each other that we were exclusively “just us” then he drops a bomb on me a month of so ago that he got with a girl who has come back positive with an std. I’ve made it clear since then that it’s no longer a “just us situation” and that I’m doing whatever I please and this was completely unfair and he probably was doing more behind my back that I was unwarranted of. He’s adamant that “he will only want me”. His words not mine and I’ve repeatedly told him that I’m doing whatever I please and even hinted I’m seeing others which so far I haven’t but he’s not to know. So please don’t insinuate that I don’t respect myself as I clearly do, this is a hard situation which is why I’m appealing for help not a lecture when I’m fully aware already & have already acted accordingly

[kylee2437]

The reality is , you do lack self respect. You expected a man that put you in a position to commit to only commit to you when the whole point of being friends with benefits is so you physically don’t have to commit to a relationship. Why? Out of selfishness. No offense. I am not trying to hurt your feelings but I am being blunt about this situation. You wanted him to yourself the entire time when you knew he doesn’t want to commit that you put yourself in a situation that doesn’t benefit you just so you can feel like you can have him for yourself. This situation doesn’t benefit you. You aren’t getting what you want, which is a relationship from him, so yes the self love and self respect is lacking. I’ve been here before which is why I prefer being blunt. Accountability needs to be held on your side.

[kylee2437]

This is where you need to take this as a lesson and not be naive. Any guy that will settle for a friends with benefits situation, will not commit to one person and you have to be naive that they will only sleep with you. If they only wanted to sleep with you, they would want at least a relationship with you. Men will say anything to sleep with you.

[Asker]

Obviously I wanted him to myself which is why the entire agreement started as he told me he wanted the same, it did start on a completely selfish level of me getting out of a long term relationship and I just wanted that but no commitment. I completely respect people being blunt as that’s the best way to convey what needs to be said, so thank you. It’s just that he hasn’t not read my message before and I have caught feelings I know, but it’s seriously really really hard for me to call it an end. Without getting stupid about it my parents have gave me an off on relationship all my life so I always feel like hanging on as they will come back as that’s what I’m used to. I do try and put my foot down, and I do really hard believe me. But if people have a certain persistence about them that I’m not used to i purpose I fold

[kylee2437]

@asker respectable that you take accountability. If you want a genuine connection with someone eventually, I would definitely put sex aside as a way to catch someone and listen to what someone tells you. If someone tells you they will accept a friends with benefits situation but don’t want a relationship , they are being serious. I’m still learning this myself and that’s why I’m choosing to stay celibate until the next guy is deserving of my body which includes him not only being a good person but wanting what I want in the very moment given. It’s been working for me. I’ve weeded out a lot of guys that aren’t genuine to me this year because I am not giving them the benefit of sleeping with me before they put in the effort. I need effort before they get the prize. I am not saying you need to be celibate, but just be mindful , don’t give into a guys mind games especially one that is telling you he doesn’t want a relationship but will only sleep with you because that’s an automatic lie. The whole reason why he doesn’t want to commit is because he wants to sleep with other people

[Asker]

Again I have tried this too to some extent I am extremely picky with who I let bring me up a number. I ask for tests and outright and as blunt as possible if they will be seeing others or not. I am at 3 first was my ex 2 is this man in question and because of him I do have a number 3 I see rarely. It is so hard when he’s telling me all these sweet things that play on my mind recently, giving me compliments & just being nice. We haven’t re evaluated our arrangements since our big fall out and I suppose I should since everything that’s happened, although he has said he wants things “to go back to what they were” he’s also said things that imply more. When he reply’s I will shoot him down and eventually I will meet up with him again and unbeknownst to him I will ask him more in depth with where he stand with what he’s previously told me. I think this has been the most helpful girls ask guys question I’ve asked, seriously thank you for your help. Anything more you want to add is more than helpful honestly

[kylee2437]

You may be picky, but definitely not picky enough or you just aren’t understanding what you , yourself want which can be problematic. I need to add : once you learn that you should be going for people that genuinely fit what you want vs trying to change someone into what you want, you will get better results. Hell, I was in a situation this year where a guy treated me like trash at an event, and I decided to love myself and go join another guy that respected me, ditched who I was with and now I have a close bond with the respectable guy and dropped a guy that isn’t for me. It was a win , win but the valuable lesson to my situation was: don’t put up with a shit guy just because you want him