I’ve made a mess of my love life what do I do?

[Anonymous]

So, a few months ago I started talking to this guy and everything was going well and then things evolved and we ended up having sex. he said he wasn’t opposed to a relationship in the future but he wanted to just keep things casual for now. I’ve never been in a casual relationship before it’s not really my thing I feel like it’s just a recipe to get hurt but, I went against that cause I really like him and I trust him and kinda took what he said as there was potential for it to grow into a relationship. but now I’ve got myself into a predicament. I love spending time with him he’s funny and kind and he ticks all the boxes really but he still doesn’t want a relationship as far as im aware while I on the other hand do and now I’m feeling lost and confused and don’t know what to do.

On top of that my dad thinks I’m in a relationship with him cause I didn’t know how to explain to my dad whose mindset is still back in I don't know what decade that were just friends with benifits cause I’m scared he’s gonna think I’m some kind of whore.

I love this guy and sometimes he does things that make me think he maybe has feelings for me to. And sometimes he keeps saying how he wishes he had a relationship sometimes but he’s glad he doesn’t cause of some bullshit reason that never makes sense. Like cause he spends his money on dumb shit sometimes and doesn’t wanna a girl telling him what to do.
But on the other hand when we’re apart he barely talks to me. We used to talk every single day for ages and now he hardly ever starts the conversation, he’ll talk and try keep the conversation going if I start it though.

im really confused and I really don’t have a single clue as to what the hell to do. I’m a bit scared that if I tell him everything he’d get spooked and go ghost but I really don’t wanna lose him as a friend. I also have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in that man’s brain cause he sending all kinds of mixed signals

[quaranta]

Well, this is a very typical scenario: guy wants only free sex, girl wants a relationship, she falls for the "friends with benefits" formula that almost never works for literally any couple I ever seen in my life (online or irl, and usually it's configured in the roles I described), and he doesn't commit or goes for someone else. And so the guy ends up having what he precisely wanted, and the girl gets trapped into investing in hopes to then get discarded.
Take guys for real when they talk to you. If he told you he doesn't want a relationship (with you, implied), he really doesn't. He had plenty of chances to chase you romantically, yet he didn't. And if you try at any cost to read signals of interest, well, this is just perfectly normal: if you are sexually intimate with someone it's normal you might start to treat them well or with some more affection, but that's it. It's not like he doesn't know how to try getting a relationship with you. He knows he can just talk about it and that you'd be open for that, yet he doesn't. So he does, not, want, any relationship with you. The proof is just the fact itself he isn't pursuing a relationship, as direct as it is, you don't need to guess his "real hidden feelings" because someone who gets hookups is surely not someone "that" introvert that would hide a world of untold love towards a girl.
Do you want hookups only? No, but instead of him with relationships, you aren't making it a dealbreaker and are instead having hookups only. So to fix it you should make it an ultimatum: he got his free sex as he wanted, fine, you want a relationship. If he doesn't provide that, you should stop having hookups instead because that's not what you were looking for.
You take him and say you are into him and that this is a turning point. You either become official, or you must stop because what you want in your life right now is a relationship, with him. And you don't let him propose any more "maybe", it's either a yes or no. "Maybe" is already what it is now, and it means a "no", so it must be a different answer. He had plenty of time to check you out and decide if you are relationship material or not, and to understand what he wants to do with you. So now it's time to put cards on table and decide if you should continue or not. If "relationship" is a dealbreaker for him, then the deal breaks because that's instead what you want. And if you can't continue, lose him as a friend for a while too, and that's fine! If he is a real friend and not just a hookup he will understand the need you'd have to process the pain and move on and won't pressure you (by the way you can't have a real genuine friendship with someone you crush on while also having sex, you'd need a lot of time of distance and silence before making a real friendship work, all the rest is excuses to keep crushing and hoping next to him but more silently and rotting inside).

Be very lucid about the fact that right now you are attached to your fantasy of a relationship, not to real relationship grounds because he didn't build any so far. So what you don't want to lose is actually your fantasies, not the real thing, because it's simply not existing, by proof. Stay attached to the reality, you have a lot to undo there...

About him going cold (I read in comments) I suggest you this reading: https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/reason-men-lose-interest/3/ understand the part where it talks about guys sensing you have an "agenda".

(For the future: don't invest things over hopes and projections, invest only on the grounds that are actually provided beforehand, concretely; here you completely trapped yourself by your own self...).

[Finchie40]

Sweetheart , wake up , he is using you , When a guy truly values a girl and loves a girl he wants her all to himself , FWB’s only works when you are both on the same page as things , How long have you been a FWB’s with him? When a guy loves and values a girl he becomes territorial and only wants her by his side , this guy is just using you for sex and telling You things you want to hear to keep you his FWB’s Bottom line this guy is selfish and only thinking of himself , I guarantee he is playing other girls as well when you don’t hear from him , Value yourself worth and realize you deserve better than this shit

[Asker]

I’ve been friends with benefits with him for about 2 and a half months now we were talking for a bit before that tho. He was all in for the first month, all over me always wanting to see me, rejecting other girls, talking to me every night, didn’t even have sex with me for the first month we were talking cause he didn’t wanna rush anything. Then over the last month he’s gone cold. How do I approach this? Do I just stop talking to him or do I confront him about it first?

[Finchie40]

Yes he has gone cold cuz he met someone else but probably wants to keep you on the back burner just in case the new girl doesn’t work out , you are best to move on from him and tell him you met someone else if he reaches out to you , do not have sex with him again

[CharlieDMX]

You want things he can't (and will not ( give you. Time to leave and move on. I know it's easier said than done, and it will hurt. But you'll look back and know that you did the right thing. There is nothing good for you if you stay

[boggboss]

He is getting exactly what he wants he won't make a relationship out if this situation

[ZenJen444]

He's not interested in you.

[Anonymous]

Live, learn and move forward with life.