Is it weird that I feel disappointed women I had past flings/hook ups won’t stay (non sexual) friendly with me (even when they are still single)?

[Anonymous]

There are a few women I’ve had past flings with that don’t want to stay connected in any way (social media, etc.) There was a girl I hooked up a year ago that recently unfollowed me on IG despite not contacting her in over 6 months.

I am not trying to keep the around just so I can hook up again in the future. If they get a serious boyfriend and/or married than I am happy for them. But I am sometimes curious how they are doing.

Is it just because women have a harder time accepting a fling was a fling? I had very direct communication with my last fling. It was her idea to keep it on the DL which I was fine with.

But is there something about women feeling heartbroken that we didn’t get more serious or just see me as a past mistake?

[Anonymous]

What happened in the 6 months you didn’t talk to the one girl? That’s a lot of time to pass and not make an effort to contact her if you’re so concerned with maintaining a connection. Which leads me to feel like maybe you didn’t really try with other women as well. I won’t say each one because I’m sure there were some you liked more than others and did attempt to stay connected. But for the most part, maybe not and that could play a big role in why things pan out the way they do for you.

[Asker]

I messaged her on IG and she didn’t respond. Just said hello.

[Opinion Owner]

After 6 months no contact you can’t be surprised if she didn’t say anything, especially to a past fling she probably thought you want sex again. But anyway there’s no reason to be disappointed, you two weren’t friends or anything substantial.

[Asker]

Nah i actually messaged her while she was traveling abroad to see how she was doing. She initially responded positively then stopped. When she got back in town I sent her a simple hello. She read it and never responded so I quit messaging her. But she kept me connect on IG and was always one of the first to view any story I posted.

Anyway if she wants to disconnect (she didn’t block) then fine. Just disappointed.

[Opinion Owner]

So what exactly makes you disappointed about this? Initially you said you just get curious how they are, so is not having access to her in order to pop in every few months what bothers you?

[Asker]

I actually knew this girl for a long time. I always thought she was cute but I never said anything because I thought she was too young. But when I found out she was a college senior (22) I figured “well if she is old enough to drink she can choose to sleep with or what not”. We discreetly messaged on IG. She was interested and came over my place. We did it twice.

Anyway that’s all said and done. But I did know her for a while. It was curious how she was doing just on friendly terms. I wasn’t thinking of hooking up every time I messaged her (sometimes yes but not always).

But I guess I was a “mistake” in her book.

[Opinion Owner]

If she thought you were a mistake she would’ve deleted you much sooner, not 6 months later. She could’ve just been cleaning out her follower list and didn’t see a need to keep you on there without it being personal at all. There’s also the possibility that keeping you as a friend was leaving the door open for you but you weren’t consistent with communicating so she shut the door. Who knows, but don’t let it disappoint you.

[Asker]

No she wasn’t consistent with communicating with me or responding.

Anyway what is done is done. It is weird though.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, if “a fling is a fling” then you shouldn’t find it weird or disappointing for her to have unfriended you. Having multiple flings and hookups with women gives me the impression that you aren’t looking for anything serious. I mean when you even found out this girl was of age your thoughts weren’t to court her and try to date, you said if she can drink then she can decide if she wants to hook up. If I can see that from this brief conversation we’ve had, I’m sure other women can read it too and don’t want to partake in ongoing casual sex. Maybe you want to genuinely form friendships with these women but you can’t convince me you’re putting in real effort to build something or to give the impression that friendship is all you want. Take some accountability for how you approach these situations and why you end up where you are now.

[Asker]

And you just couldn’t resist judging and berating me above could you? Just couldn’t.

Actually I haven’t been what you assumed in a very long time. Yeah given the age gap I knew that wasn’t ever going to be anything special. Her and I knew it and in fact we talked about it. There were no lies or games there. In fact I never was that kind of manwhore you assumed. Never was a liar.

But on a deeper level my situation is much more complicated than you will ever realize. You made a lot of bad assumptions above.

[Opinion Owner]

Look, there’s no need to get hostile here. No where did I judge you, and if that’s the impression you’ve gotten then the point is going over your head. No where did I call you a “man whore” or implied that you were. You said with your own words that there have been multiple flings in your past, a few of which you had this issue with, and they likely got the impression that all you were wanting was sex so they cut ties, and that’s all I’m trying to explain to you. Even with this girl, your conversations leading up to the first time you hooked up was you two planning for it, not you taking her on dates or trying to get serious. So why would she think that in the times you hit her up out of the blue, it was just for some friendly chit chat? Once you start down one path it’s hard to see you wanting anything other than what’s happened in the past. Maybe you know you’re well intended, but unfortunately you didn’t set up your relationship with her to come off as purely platonic.

[Asker]

Yeah it’s alright. I get what you are saying. thanks for your feedback.