Is it better to settle (be content) or do you still try to find what you’re looking for?

Question

I’m 28 and in the words of the beautiful in late Betty Wright it’s better to have a piece of a man than having no man at all.

Is it better to be with someone who you may not have a conversation and probably don’t care for some of the things that you care for compatibility, but likes you?

on the other hand

I know what I don’t want necessarily that there is a giant list out there of things that that I do want

I’m not a clubbing nor a casual sex type of person work family home no kids yet

I don’t wanna give up too soon

Datboi65 · Accepted Answer

I know the concept of not "giving up on your dreams" sounds tempting to a lot of people, but you have to remember that dating and business are VERY DIFFERENT.

In business, as long as you keep trying, eventually someone will see your determination and give you a chance oo work for them or invest in your project. You have your entire life to become successful, as Colonel Saunders' KFC only took off when he was in his 70s.

However, relationships are a bit different, because they have a time limit. They are not as forgiving to one's age, and your past may haunts your relationships. That's why it's more important to be realistic rather than optimistic when looking for a relationship.

Before I go any further, I have to explain these two terms. Optimism is latching to hope or potential for the desired outcome to occur, while realism is rather more focused with the likelihood/probability of that desired outcome occurring. If the chances that you will get promoted with your current CV are 10% and yet you take your chances anyway, that's called being optimistic. A realistic person will instead try to improve all aspects of their game to make sure that their chances are significantly better, before they attempt whatever it is that they are looking for.

Now that I have explained the differences, I will tell you why it's important. You see, the world is a dark and cold place. People do not really care much about you or what you are doing, and life always go on. That's a pill most people will have to swallow at some point in their lives. If you get a permanent injury, your employer will hire someone in your place to do your job. They might feel bad for you, but they also understand that things have to continue the way they are and the world cannot stop for 1 person.

As far as dating is concerned, aging is irreversible. Men are unapologetically attracted to younger women, and the older you get they also might feel bad for you that you may be lonely, but they are not gonna swoop in to save the day, because life carries on as normal. That's why it's important to be realistic in these situations. Your best chances of getting your desired outcome is for you to be the best possible candidate. In relationships, you get what you negotiate, and your negotiation power is affected by age, looks, weight, children and character. I can break every single one of these into detail, but for the purposes of making this reply shorter, I'm not going to.

Now the biggest things that can hurt you are the irreversible ones. You don't get any younger, and you cannot remove kids when they are born. This is why older women and single mothers struggle a lot. It doesn't mean that they still cannot find someone at all, but the difference is that they have to SETTLE. Settling is when you lower your standards for the sake of being with someone who may not be your dream person, because you do not qualify for that dream person. Other traits that are more reversible like weight and character/psychological issues can be adjusted with hard work and determination.

Now as you can see, I've used the worst case scenario. However, there are other cases when women willingly choose to settle, even when they don't meet any of these negative qualities. So why do they do that? It's simple, to have more piece of mind. Life is a gamble, so you can either win something decent, or risk it all to win the grand prize and lose everything as a potential consequence. Now the difference is that a woman who settles in her prime will have better options than the woman who settles because she is a single mother/older, even though they are both settling. Since she herself is a high quality candidate, she can attract men of that caliber, and even if she commits to a man that meets 80% of her requirements, that man will be of a higher quality than the man who partners with a woman who is lacking some traits herself. Once again, in life you get what you negotiate for, and in relationships there are some irreversible factors to be taken into account.

I hope that it makes sense.

ShadezMcgee · Accepted Answer

I would bet you truly don't want to be with this guy. If you are even having a shred of doubt, much less over something you want a partner to have, it will not work out in the end.

How important are these things you care about that you want your partner to care about to make you happy? It sounds as though that is a BIG deal for you.

A big problem is settling. Of course people are selfish and do not want to settle for less than what they feel they deserve. However, of you wait to find a perfect match that checks off every box on your list, you will be waiting for a long goddamn time. Find someone who meets a lot of your list and doesn't line up with your key dealbreakers and go from there.

But my bet is that you are not feeling it with this guy and you are just going to waste your time. You want him to give you something you want in a relationship that he either refuses to five or isn't capable of which you have said you want. Trying to change him to do that is a waste of time amd you shouldn't be trying to force anyone to change to make you happy either.

Figure it out and make a decision.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

There are two truths that are both equally right.

Don't settle.

Your expectations are unrealistic.

If you're 28 and still haven't had a meaningful relationship, there's a lot more to it than just not finding guys who don't want to club. And you can't possibly truly be considering getting into a relationship with someone "you may not have a conversation" [with.]

"there is a giant list out there of things that that I do want"

It's probably your expectations that is the issue here. Most guys are looking for a girl who will accept them as they are. Most girls thinks guys don't put in enough effort. If you want a relationship, and you are willing to approach guys, you probably could get into one.

Aerissa_Jade · Accepted Answer

My dad told me I could search the whole world over trying to find the most perfect man out there and chances are, I would eventually. However I would most likely not be perfect for him and he wouldn't want me or he'd have to settle.

Do what you feel is right for you but realize a time will come where you'll have to decide to either be single forever or try to make something work with someone.

I hate the term settle because in a way everyone settles for something, you just try to pick something minor that you can live with.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

I think your question would probably best be answered like this; are you pursuing romance as an idea, or a dream? Because most women I know are pursuing a dream. They aren't finding or interacting with men who emotionally nourish them, so they're clinging to a dream they've had since they were young girls that they believe will fill the void that their other unsatisfying relationships have left inside them.

That dream is so specific; what does he look like, how much does he make, what does he let her do, how many kids do they have, where do they live, etc?

I would recommend that you pursue the idea of romance. I would say that you should identify the things, emotions, habits, etc. that you truly need from men in your life. Never compromise on those things. But then just enjoy the relationships you have with emotionally nourishing men who provide you those things, in the format they happen to come in. Would it really matter if you had to share a man who emotionally resonated with you, and made you feel alive? Maybe it would, I don't know; I'm not here to tell you what to think. All I'm saying is that I know I, personally, am done with "good enough." It doesn't need to be a hot, torrid love affair with constant excitement to make me look at a relationship and realize that it makes my life better.

As long as you aren't having an extramarital affair or whatever, there's no harm in enjoying romance for what it is. Just enjoy your life.

BlueScorpio · Answer

No, never settle just to have a man or woman in your life. Most of the time those people aren't satisfied with their partner or relationship, if you're going to settle/settle down then doing it with someone who you love/want and feels the same way about you. Those relationship will die out quicker cause sooner or later they'll be wondering if rhe grass is greener on the other side or eventually run into the person they were looking for.

Haha456 · Answer

I'm 26 and from my experience, some people only have partners/ spouses because they are better at settling than others. I'm still single at my age because I'm not willing to settle. But I've seen a lot of people marry those who I would never ever marry. I have seen an 18 yr old who married a single father in his mid 30s with 5 kids. Another 25 yr old guy married a 39 yr old single mother with 2 kids. 20 years later, they are still married.

Personally I would never ever marry a single parent. Nor would I ever marry someone 15-25 years older than me, which explains why I am still single.

ohsheeT · Answer

I will always search for what I'm looking for always I don't like to settle for anything I want what I want and I thought I found it but I was wrong that I will always keep searching I say this because I flashed back and I think what a journey it must have been to be the fastest swimmer to get to be born even and then I look back when I first started to learn how to walk I didn't settle every time I fell down I would get back up and I would do it again and again and again and again until I got it life is the same way why settle keep fighting for what you want keep looking for what you want it will come to us maybe we go in reverse now maybe since we had to be the fastest swimmer to get where we want maybe to get to where we're going we have to be the best of understanding and experiencing things we take that knowledge with us no matter what energy is energy and energy Never Dies

fbk94 · Answer

I haven't found what I'm looking for yet what I'm looking for is a blue-eyed lady for now In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could comment on my question.   #Reigner

AviatorTom · Answer

"Settle" is a very negative term. If you wait to find your perfect match, you may never find them. Best is to find someone who checks most of the boxes, that you get along with, has the same basic philosophy as you. Call it compromise if you will.

But isn't that what we all do every day? Compromise?

Anonymous · Answer

I'm of two minds on this. Yes I absolutely think people should not settle. But not settling doesn't mean having unrealistic expectations.

I say NO to the first point you make about not being able to have a conversation with them. Communication is Paramount in a relationship. So many women fail because they have this udealized vision of a guy in thier head, and they chase those irrational feelings rather than listening to what he says. Life isn't one big fantasy. Life is 90% paying bills and building. You're not going to build with a fantasy. It's always best to choose a partner that mirrors your morals and values. And that you can agree with. Good friends do make the best partnerships in the long run. Just find a friend that can deliver that occasional fantasy for you. 😉

NerdInDenial · Answer

We all have a list of attributes that we want our partners to have but we will all have to compromise and expand our tolerance levels. The attributes you seek can also eliminate a whole bunch of options. For example if you seek a man who is six feet tall in the US, that’s only 14% of all men including men in relationships. You have to be realistic on what you want.

hahahmm · Answer

Men & women are very different. It's fool's gold to think you will ever find a partner who thinks exactly like you, feels what you feel or cares about everything you care about. But romance novels, romcoms and "dating experts" will claim otherwise because they make money selling delusions.

What you can find are two people who are very compatible & make a good team. But even this is not "equality". It's two different people agreeing to be together.

LazerBean · Answer

As long as the standards are realistic and you yourself meet them, keep searching till you find what is right for you. That is especially true for your moral standards. Changing up your approach maybe required if whatever you're doing isn't working.

LilSicilian · Answer

It’s very rare that you’ll find all that your looking for in a partner ; so the way I see it is.. if they have at least 3 to 5 things your looking for in a partner then go for it with them. Life is to short 👍

RavVid · Answer

Well I think that we all - guy or girl - need to be realistic. A lot of us aren't. There is something to be said fr eliminating what is not acceptable and negotiating around what that leaves

NathanDavis · Answer

I've never settled but my "list" is very simple and not much... smart, interesting and funny

DarkWinterNights · Answer

If they’re superficial things, you should consider re-evaluating what is really important to you. If they’re things like beliefs, values & traditions, then you should keep looking, but maybe switch up your methods.

Little_Bumblebee · Answer

I would rather be single the rest of my life, than be with someone where I'm not happy in the relationship.  The wrong relationship drains too much. And it's not worth it.

TacosRAwesome · Answer

I've recently watched a show on Netflix called Indian Matchmaker and the matchmaker suggested they probably won't meet someone that fits 100% of their wish list but they should aim for 70% or so and I think it makes sense.

melanieeeB · Answer

I'm rather alone, then be with someone - the bare minimum- of guy.  I'm staying single, until I find my future partner

Summeroflove · Answer

I don’t think this is true. I would rather have someone who I’m happy with them settle for someone I’m not.

Crankor · Answer

I don't like half assing things so if a person isn't who I'm really interested in or want to be with then I'd rather just do my own thing. Trying to force a happy relationship will just end in disaster in many forms

dustybiker · Answer

I would never settle. I would rather be alone than waste someone else's time like that.

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