Have you ever been so tired of looking for the "right person" that you just prefer settling?

[Anonymous]

I am so tired of being rejected by men over the years, constantly having to muster up the courage to make a move, going to all these places that I don't even want to go in order to just to meet more men, going on these awkward dates that result in success, meeting low quality guys over the internet, going on SpeedDating where guys would judge me based on the way I look. Its just so exhausting. I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life.

I have been thinking about just hiring a matchmaker, tell her what I need in a man and just marry her recommendations. I'm looking to settle because I want a family and I'm tired of goin through the disappointing, hurtful, exhausting process of dating.

[Nikki1989]

The internet is the worst place to meet men. There are always good reasons why they are on dating sites and apps, and none of those reasons are good.

[Asker]

yea i have met the worst people on there. if they aren't straight up trash, they can't even hold onto a decent conversation. i've met lots of nutcases over the years. they're just on there because they can't get anyone from real life

[TheSpaceGnome]

Nope.
Right person is best, being single is second place, and settling is the worst..

[Asker]

what if the right person never comes along? being single and looking is a miserable life. Its been proven lonely people get sick more often and lead a lonely death.

[Asker]

Its been proven lonely people get sick more often and lead a EARLIER death.

[TheSpaceGnome]

It feels more lonely to be with people that make you feel alone, than it does to actually be alone.

The wrong kind of company can drive a person to early death faster than being alone can.
At least when alone, you can do as you please, but with the wrong company, there is arguing, fighting, compromise, resentment, and time spent doing things that make you unhappy, etc.

Better to feel alone and free than alone and trapped.

[Asker]

Lower your expectations. Marry someone decent, trustworthy, have similar hobbies, compatible temperament, moral, similar lifestyle habits, and try to make the marriage work

Much of your "feeling alone" has to do with having super high expectations of marriage. You have a "if it is not a million dollar person then it must be entirely shit person" type of mindset. Someone might not be your ultimate love of your life but it doesn't mean they are completely crap. Find someone you get along with, can do things with.

This certainly beats spending the rest of your life eating frozen tv dinners in front of the tv all by yourself every night. Because realize that a lifetime of being lonely and dying alone won't make you much happier either. People aren't meant to die alone. We are meant to have companionship, family, love.

[Asker]

@TheSpaceGenome

[Asker]

You can say "if you're lonely then go make some friends". Well , friends get harder to make as you get older. Its normal for social circles to decrease as you enter your 30s. Then it further shrinks in your 40s. Friends come and go. But no friend will have your back and be there for you like your spouse. Meeting up a friend once or twice a week is not the same as having someone take care of you and being there for you on a daily basis.

[TheSpaceGnome]

"Lower your expectations."

No, I most certainly will not lower my expectations.

"Marry someone decent, trustworthy, have similar hobbies, compatible temperament, moral, similar lifestyle habits, and try to make the marriage work"

Those are my expectations (I thought you said to lower them?), and they are quite rare in the united states among women, let alone women I'd find attractive enough to want as more than friends.

"This certainly beats spending the rest of your life eating frozen tv dinners in front of the tv all by yourself every night."

I don't eat those, I can cook actual food. 😂 If I were married we'd still be in front of the tv every night though, because gamer life is best life.

"Because realize that a lifetime of being lonely and dying alone won't make you much happier either. People aren't meant to die alone. We are meant to have companionship, family, love."

Being alone does suck, but being with someone I don't like is waaaaaay worse. I will always atempt to find a perfect match, if I fail to do so before dying, I'll still have lived a life where I get to do what I want when I want. And thats much better than bickering with a spouse who isn't likeminded, or cringing in bed with one who is likeminded, but I'm not physically attracted to. You mention love, but if I settle for less than a match, I won't love her, I'll hate her, and I'll leave.

[TheSpaceGnome]

As for making friends, I'd need to do that to find love anyway, so if I was unable to make any friends, then finding a wife would be impossible, since she has to be a friend, then a best friend, then a girlfriend, then a wife. You can't just date a stranger and hope it works out 😂 you gotta earn trust and bond and get to know the real them first.

[Asker]

@thespacegenome

The perfect person might never come by. What im saying is to marry someone who is compatible with you but not necessarily in love with. Someone you enjoy talking to but not the ultimate love of your life

If you spend the rest of your life searching, you might one day realize you're nearing your 60s and you still have no family, no children. You will just realize youve had a lonely life and end up dying alone. Or you might find that women have come and go throughout your life but no relationship ever lasts or is valuable to you. Someone valuable is not necessarily something that excites you or fall in love with.. it could be someone that is there for you forever and is there for you till the end

[I'll still have lived a life where I get to do what I want when I want.]

You won't have a life well lived if you have nobody to do things with. Nobody to talk to when you need it the most. Nobody to wish you happy birthday. Nobody to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with. Realize that there are a lot of people who dont get gifts on their birthdays. A lot of people who dont have family waiting for them to celebrate Christmas. This might be your fate as you get older

[You mention love, but if I settle for less than a match, I won't love her, I'll hate her, and I'll leave.]

Hate is a choice. You can marry someone compatible with you but not necessarily the love of your life. If you choose to hate someone like this, then it means your hate is simply a choice. there's no legitimate reason to hate someone you can get along with

[Asker]

[As for making friends, I'd need to do that to find love anyway, so if I was unable to make any friends, then finding a wife would be impossible, since she has to be a friend, then]

Finding a wife and finding friends gets harder as you get older. You dont seem to understand life very much.

[Asker]

Falling in love does not mean the relationship will last forever. If love could sustain a marriage, we wouldn't have a divorce rate of 50% which is ridiculously high

[TheSpaceGnome]

"marry someone who is compatible with you but not necessarily in love with"

No, not doing that, sorry.

"If you spend the rest of your life searching, you might one day realize you're nearing your 60s and you still have no family, no children."

One the the requirements on my checklist for a wife, is that like me, she needs to be a childless virgin who ages very slowly (I still look like a teen at almost 40) who doesn't want any children ever. So thats not a concern to me.

"You won't have a life well lived if you have nobody to do things with. Nobody to talk to when you need it the most. Nobody to wish you happy birthday. Nobody to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with."

I have people to do things with, not sexual things, but hobby things at least. I have people to talk to, I don't celebrate my bday because I don't like parties and I can afford to buy myself what I want.
I don't celebrate Thanksgiving because its about a genocide being desguised as a partnership, and I'm an atheist.

"Hate is a choice"

No it isn't, how you react to something is genetics based, it's a reflex, and instinct, no one has control over what they hate, love, like, or don't care about.

"there's no legitimate reason to hate someone you can get along with"

I would not get along with her if she's not a perfect match, thats why I'd hate her.

"Finding a wife and finding friends gets harder as you get older."

I'm fully aware of this, my opinions on the matter still stand regardless of that.

"You dont seem to understand life very much."

I understand it just fine, I just don't agree with you about whats preferred in a given situation.

[Asker]

[I have people to do things with, not sexual things, but hobby things at least. I have people to talk to, I don't celebrate my bday because I don't like parties and I can afford to buy myself what I want.]

You can say this at 36. But come back in 10 years and tell me how many friends you will have by then. I can garuantee you that you will have significantly less friends than now.

[I don't celebrate Thanksgiving because its about a genocide being desguised as a partnership, and I'm an atheist.]

It is better to have company than to pretend you're happy dying alone. I can tell you're desperately trying to pretend to be happy. Statistics show married people live longer than single people. There is a very good reason for this. Married people have someone to be there for them, keep them company. Married people also tend to heal faster from illnesses than single people.

[TheSpaceGnome]

The divorce rate is high do to incompatible lifestyles, interests, goals, attraction, etc.

You need those things to love a person.

People throw around the word love like it means nothing, but if you actually love someone, and they actually love you, you'd never break up with them.

[Asker]

[No it isn't, how you react to something is genetics based, it's a reflex, and instinct, no one has control over what they hate, love, like, or don't care about.]

If you hate someone you can get along with, its IS A CHOICE. you hate the fact that you dont get to uphold your ridiculously high standards.

But understand that having high standards comes at a very HIGH COST to you.

you're not going to be happier being alone. You can try to delude yourself that you dont need anyone in life but its people who have companionship that live longer and healthier lives

[TheSpaceGnome]

The only reason I'm not already married, is I haven't had a vasectomy and moved to tokyo.
Tons of matches there, but I don't want to move, I can't speak japanese, and I'm still looking for evidence that no longterm problems will happen after a vasectomy is performed.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I can't get along with anyone who's not likeminded well enough to tolerate living with them.

Being with the wrong person is a much higher cost to me than being alone. I am alone right now, and my state of happiness is much higher than when around anyone I don't relate to. So this isn't a guess, its prior knowledge.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Unfortunately the US lacks an akihabara type of area, so its hard for geeks/nerds to group up and meet in this country without resorting to the internet.

[Asker]

[Being with the wrong person is a much higher cost to me than being alone. I am alone right now, and my state of happiness is much higher than when around anyone I don't relate to. So this isn't a guess, its prior knowledge.]

you will not live a fulfilled life dying alone. you will not have happiness being alone.

"Wrong person" is entirely subjective. The higher your expectations, the more wrong people there are. The lower your expectations are, the more people that are the "right people".

if you settle you will live a miserable life, if you stay single you live a miserable life too.

I don't think any one of these is much better than the other.

At the end of the day, it is the people who have lower expectations that will live happier, longer, healthier lives than you.

Humans are designed to tribal social beings.

[Asker]

@thespacegenome.

[Asker]

A lifetime spent all alone is simply someone merely existing. There is a difference between merely existing versus living a fulfilled life where you feel valued, taken care of. True fun in life comes from the company of others rather than the hobbies you do.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I won't live fullfilled with the wrong person. And my expectations are very high, less than 0.01% of US women meet my criteria, and I will not be changing my criteria.

If a settle, I will be a lot more miserable than if I'm alone. So one is definitely better than the other.

I'de never be hapy having low expectations, because the results of high expectations are what make me happy with anything.

Tribal life is horrible, I'd like an SO and maybe 2 other people max as friends, I don't want a tribe, I
I'm not that social, 5 is a crowd, crowds are bad for fun.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Living fulfilled to me requires way more than just having company.

There are much higher things on the teir list. Like making art, composing music, building things I want, playing games I enjoy, obtaining scientific knowledge.

A relationship as well, but its secondary to those things, so she has to like those things to want to spend time with her.

[Asker]

[[Living fulfilled to me requires way more than just having company.
There are much higher things on the teir list. Like making art, composing music, building things I want, playing games I enjoy, obtaining scientific knowledge.]

hobbies mean little if you don't have anyone to do things with. Hobbies mean way more when you are able to do it with someone, laugh with someone, joke with someone.

There is no happiness doing everything alone. There is no happiness knowing that you're dying and nobody cares if you are dead.

You're just in denial because you can't cope with the reality that life will suck being all alone. Pretending you are fulfilled is the best thing you can manage as of right now.

People with the highest expectations also tend to be loneliest.

Drop your high expectations if you want a happier life.

It is your high expectations that is make you miserable.

[Asker]

@TheSpaceGnome

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't agree with you on any of that. I'm staying as I am, and you'll just have to get over it.

[Asker]

@TheSpaceGnome

take a look at what you said earlier

[Being alone does suck, but being with someone I don't like is waaaaaay worse. I will always atempt to find a perfect match, if I fail to do so before dying, I'll still have lived a life where I get to do what I want when I want.]

don't claim that you LOVE BEING ALONE but then a few days ago, you claimed being alone does suck.

like I said , you're just in denial.

[Asker]

@TheSpaceGnome

I'm not trying to convince you to get married. I'm trying to convince you to admit that you know you won't be fulfilled life dying alone.

[TheSpaceGnome]

1. I don't love being alone, but I did mention earlier that being alone is much more enjoyable and fulfilling than being with the wrong person.

2. I'm not actually going to die alone, nor am I doing to settle.

3. if I did die alone, It's still better than settling, and if I settle, every second of my life will be misery until I leave. I will enjoy nothing, not hobbies, not interests, not her, until I exit the relationship.

So again, no, I disagree with you. I'm much better off being alone than settling/lowering my expectations.

Worst case scenario I have platonic best friends, a hot sex robot, and all my interests and hobbies.

Best case scenario I have 2 platonic best friends, a wife best friend who's hot and I have everything in common with, and all my interests and hobbies.

But being with a woman I settled for, or being entirely alone, are not outcomes, and even if the latter was, I'd take it over the former for the freedom of lifestyle it gives.

[Asker]

@TheSpaceGnome

your life will suck being all alone for the rest of your life. Just like you said.

your high expectations really is the root cause of your loneliness and unhappiness.

Quit pretending to be happy

[Best case scenario I have 2 platonic best friends, a wife best friend who's hot and I have everything in common with, and all my interests and hobbies.]

your hot best friend won't be there for you forever. friends come and go. If she is young, she might even get married to someone else. Vast majority of friendships don't last forever. Thats why people get married

[Asker]

[But being with a woman I settled for, or being entirely alone, are not outcomes, and even if the latter was, I'd take it over the former for the freedom of lifestyle it gives.]

you're not picking one life better than the other. Its picking the lesser of the two miserable lives.

you will be miserable regardless

[TheSpaceGnome]

Learn to actually read a sentence instead of just copy pasting it to give nonsense replies. I said a wife best friend in that scenario, that obviously implies I married a best friend.

I'm never going to agree with you on any of this, and you aren't even reading my sentences properly.

I'm muting the post so I won't see any further replies from you.

[Asker]

www.instagram.com/.../?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[ProbablyClueless]

Can't say that I have, no. But I'm definitely tired of searching.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Not that my standards are very high to begin with. I just want a girl who's geniuenly a kind person, takes basic care of herself, and doesn't have an onlyfans. These are the three requirements.