When do you know you have been played?

[SonOfPiper]

This is hard for me. A crush I worked with for 4 years that I confessed to told me she had a boyfriend (our co-worker) and through being around each other and confiding secrets we became close friends and my crush fizzled out.

4 months ago, we both left the job. Shortly after, she had broken up with her ex and I moved across the country. She sent me snaps everyday from then about how broken she was and opened up about her deep thoughts and past traumas. Seeing this person distraught and lacking a good friend group, I messaged her everyday asking how she felt and we would go on to keep a snap streak for 60 days.

One day she posted on her Instagram a suggestive photo with the caption "this year I am the villain" and she would post thirst traps to me on snap which at the time, being so personal, I thought they were for me only but I believe this was not the case anymore when she put a caption to the snaps that was taken from a comment I made but in a format that was clearly addressed to multiple people.

Feeling I was losing her to people, I setup a meetup as friends which ended up with a very sexually intimate car session. This was when I became obsessed and my crush came back again. I was hoping to take things slow and build up the moment to spill my feelings for her.

She went on holiday shortly after and I attempted to meet up again only for her to become very excuse heavy. Eventually she let me know she started seeing her regional manager and he is 20 years older, quite rich and was interested in her friend but smooth talked his way to her and she accepted.

I was fuming that she moved on soo quick to him and never considered giving me a chance. I gave her my blessing to avoid losing her as the close friend she was but I never knew how much I was addicted to her when I realised I can't stop thinking of her. I am starting to process my thoughts that it is likely she just wanted a man and used me as such.

What's the best choice to make going forward?

[DaveJord]

Dude, I been kicked around so hard by my first real love, that I know I am being played pretty quick these days. First off you should have known a few weeks in when she built this "close" friendship with you, but still stayed with the other man.

The biggest mistake a guy can do is give his friendship away with a woman for free. Especially the type of friendship where you connect on an emotional level, but there is no physical intimacy involved. See you enabled her to stay in that relationship with her ex. He neglected her on some level, but you reenforced her in all the ways he didn't. But whole time she really wanted what you were giving her from him, so keep you around as a Freind because she would rather have it from you then nobody. Between him and you, all her needs were being meant. Why you and he were probably only getting half of what you would have wanted from her. You gave her all the positive reinforcement she wanted and sought from a he met all her physical needs. So, you were her enabler, and you gave it away for free when you should have shut it down. She played you, because she liked the attention you were giving her, without the sex it gave her a sense of control over your relationship with her, a sense of control she was lacking in all other phases of her life. This gave her a greater sense of self-worth.

The sexually escapades she went through post break up, was again her way of using her sexuality to impose some sense of control over men. Fucking you was meant to entice you harder, so she could do what she did, which was again her way of reenforcing her own sense of self-worth by exerting control over you. She got what she wanted out of it, and then every time after you tried to reach out to her you reenforced her sense of self-worth. By having someone that was chasing her, but then her refusing to acknowledge you allows her to feel in control and reenforce her sense of self-worth.

One of the biggest indicators to me is when I first meet a woman and after a week or two of talking, she is excuse heavy when it comes to scheduling dates. I just assume she is playing games and regardless of the excuses, be it legit or not, that's just not the type of person I want to be with.

I have tested this theory several times, I tell the women that she has blown it with me because of mixed signaling and that I am no longer interested. They usually come back in one of two ways... maybe three... but mostly one of two ways.

1. They are apologetic and then are generous with their attention... but again, it's only in short bursts and after a few days they are right back to playing the same game.

2. They get super defensive and rant at you then break it off and act like it was them that ended it and that you can't deal with rejection.

3. They just ghost on you, and that probably is the most respectful thing they can do at that time.

What I absolutely do not ever do is hang out for weeks or months just talking and not dating. That only way to know you are not getting played. If you're talking and then dating and then having sex within a reasonable amount of time, and they keep talking and dating you then you know it's more than games. At least you are not getting played, because you are actively dating. Doesn't mean it will not mean it will work out in the long run, but at least you are getting something out of it... so you are not getting played.

[Datboi65]

You just dogdged a bullet my friend. ANY woman that breaks up with a guy, and then starts posting thirst traps is a WALKING RED FLAG. I don't care if you have a crush on this girl, she is one of 3.9 billion women. She ain't special, and you can get over her. What you will not be able to get over easily is the chaos and damage she would cause you if you were in a relationship with her.

Second of all, you are her friend and not her therapist. Remember that. It's never a man's job to listen to a woman's relationship struggles and concerns because therapy requires trained professionals. This is why I don't keep around female friends that wanna air their trauma to me all the time, because I deal with my own and I don't go around telling people my business. She was using you for emotional support because she knew that you liked her romantically. Had you not been interested in her, more than likely you wouldn't have been as invested in her stories as you were. This is a form of soft power that women use on men when they know that the attraction is unidirectional and they can get something out of you. Other ways they can use a guy is financially of course, a desperate they only sleep around with those they are attracted to.

Now you may ask yourself, but she did let me sleep with her? It only happened once, and she rejected you after it. Women may sometimes occasionally sleep with "the nice dude" if they are extremely emotional and you make a move, but when they go back to being rational they will probably regret that decision. She only continues to see you if she actually likes you. If your goal was that, then it would've been in your best interest to ignore her stories and not be needy. Then it's a 50/50 chance whether she finds you physically attractive or not.

Having said all of that, her life is gonna get worse from here. She may be able to mess around with her co-workers, but rich men don't fuck around, and more than likely it's gonna get nasty one way or another if she tries to finesse this dude. What's your lesson in all of this? Keep your distance. If you like a girl, ask her out. If she rejects you, then DON'T be her friend who has a crush on her, that's just weird dude. Don't let your "crush" cuck you by using you for emotional support and then getting railed by other men, you should know better.

[ManOnFire]

"Women may sometimes occasionally sleep with "the nice dude" if they are extremely emotional and you make a move, but when they go back to being rational they will probably regret that decision." - There. Right there.

[shaysh87]

[One day she posted on her Instagram a suggestive photo with the caption "this year I am the villain" and she would post thirst traps to me on snap which at the time, being so personal, I thought they were for me only but I believe this was not the case anymore ]

sweetie, she did not play you. you just got carried away and thought that since she was talking to you on a daily basis then it means she is interested in you. You even thought her sending sexy pics to you was a sign of her being interested you. You sound quite inexperienced and you don't seem to interact with women very much.

[TheNameIsRob]

State the obvious and offer no advice? Not only is that not helping him, it’s not even entertaining to read. Must not interact with writing much lol

[Starbers99]

I would cut contact with her, don't let her use you. She'll come crying back at some point, don't let her. She has issues she needs to sort out, move on with your life, there will be better women out there who are more suited to you. You must be a kind person who is a good listener if she was comfortable enough to share past traumas with you. You sound like a catch, she doesn't. Go out there my friend, be confident and classy and bag yourself a woman who will respect you.

[ManOnFire]

Hey, very sorry about your situation. First I need to say: women who date or sleep with their co-workers, supervisors, or managers... are some of the absolute worst. Total red flags. Because they can and do use the hell out of guys, try to control workplace dynamics, and they monkey branch on to other men like mad. I have seen this on so many jobs, and I have friends who tell me about women on their jobs who are like that too. I will say that I too have dated co-workers in the past so I'm not innocent in that, but the women were much worse.

I think you definitely played it nice and easy with "I gave her my blessing to avoid losing her as the close friend she was" and from here on do nothing else. Leave it just like that. Don't try to reach out or anything. I definitely do not think you should ever try to date her, but if you're really comfortable keeping her as a friend, that decision is up to you, but I personally would let time and distance help us to part.

I already knew from the moment you said she was dating your other co-worker before you all left that job that she was trouble. Being blunt, she is just a ho. Another woman who uses one guy for emotional support or friendship, but uses others for money or sex. I guarantee you she won't stay with her regional manager, she'll branch over to another guy sooner or later, and she'll probably end up with a baby from someone and raise it alone. Seen that a lot too.

So I personally think it's best to not say anything else to her or even try to keep any friendship. If you do she'll always think she can come knocking any time she wants and you'll always open the door. Let your sexual curiosity with her fade out and be looking to date another woman out there. I think you can do so much better than this.

[SonOfPiper]

Thanks, I agree with that notion. The fact that I have maintained my distance and all she does is send me snaps that she sends to everyone and not even a "hey how are you" or something a little more personal like I did during her break up shows me what I had was not a friend. Part of my healing is going off social media entirely. Its a big time waster and will help me focus on my future better while appearing to not have a strong disdain for her through blocking her or a strongly worded comment

[ManOnFire]

Yes, excellent mindset you have. From time to time I too have to come off social media. You got this, man. Don't let her try to come back ever again, there are so many better options out there.

[Guy13]

move on... go to bar... plenty of women.

[Vegasrunner]

You best choice is to focus on creating value in yourself. You sound like a loser that hasn't had much experience w/ women. Not sure if that's true but that's what it sounds like based on your words.

1. If you have a crush on a woman but she has a boyfriend, why are you spending your time around her? Do you not have respect for yourself?

2. Women act based on feeling. If you were in an intimate sexual setting in car you should have tried to have sex w/ her the fact that you didn't tells me she doesn't respect you and she's probably not going to give you another shot.

3. She choose the rich guy because security and power are a what attracts women (despite what they may tell you) you should have learned something from his "smooth talking"

4. She's never going to give you achance because you don't respect yourself. Why do yoi feel the need to give her your blessing?

5. Yes she used you for attention. This is why I tell guys to go out and experience as many women as possible, so you'll know what signs to look for.

My advice: Take your L, and then go back to focusing on building your value and when the next woman comes dont be such a pushover. GL

[SonOfPiper]

Thanks for the advice and I am aware you are projecting this ultra masculine profile with your stern words but I will let you know while I'm not on top of some food chain I have had a fair amount of experience dating girls and sleeping with them. She was a unique situation were I built a connection through a genuine friendship at the time when my confidence and out-of-work relationships were at my strongest. Now she was single and managed to constantly attract my attention through thirst traps and deep convo's when I moved away and sort of lost my game a bit I think I became desperate for her and she used that against me. PS. we had done it all and I was close to intercourse but stopped because she had to go home and I respected that thinking there will be another time - that's the big L

[Vegasrunner]

@SonOfPiper I don't know you so I can only take you at your words. All of this sounds like issues losers go through. Anytime a guy tells me how unique one women is a red flag goes up. Women are easily replaceable provided you do the work on yourself. The fact that you "confessed" to her tells me you most likely did some indirect shit, shee rejected you and out of pitty allowed you to remain friemds. in my opinion as soon as you found out she had a boyfriend you should have kept it moving. What you should have done is unfollowed her thecday after and focused on you. There's nothing wrong w/ getting rejected even the top guys in the world get rejected 9 out of 10 times. However you gave away your most valuable commodity for nothing. Also the L isn't the fact that you didn't bang her. in my opinion that's the one situation you handled correctly. The L is not having enough respect for yourself to let that girl go and focus on one that wants you.

[Anonymous]

Time reveals who people really are as well as their motives, but the length of time how is determined on how good of a player they are and how perceptive you are.

I was played for a year by a coworker. But looking back, the red flags were there early on. I just chose to overlook them , because I liked the attention he gave me. I enjoyed his company. I became addicted to him. In the end i got hurt badly, but I know I should not have ignored the red flags.

The best way to move forward is to accept she's a player and the way she behaved with you is a reflection of who she is, not who you are. You may need to cut all ties with her to help you move forward. It's more difficult to move in if the person who hurt you is still in your life.

[Aerissa_Jade]

How did she play you, cause I hope you didn't fall for any, I need money requests from her. That would be played in my book... as for me, guys say they love me, want to marry me have kids and then after sex say it isn't going to work out... vanish, ghost me or whatever.

Now that is played, how to filter that out... no idea, but I hope you can stay friends, and I don't know if you ever told her that you wanted something more or not. She may see you only as a friend and nothing more, if you haven't ever said that.

I wouldn't wait around for her though, she might be struggling in life and looking for stability from someone who can take care of her... move on and find someone that will work out better for you.

You should tell her how you feel first though, so she is aware and if she doesn't return the feelings, suggest to just stay friends and then this way, you'll know you at least did you best and you can move on easier.

[SonOfPiper]

Well I had confessed my feelings to her twice. Once when she eventually told me she had a boyfriend and the second time was a comment where she stated that we just have a platonic relationship. Before we met up she would post videos she took of me working and comment on how hot she found me

[MystiKaL]

Sorry to say, but she's used you. She knew you would do anything for her and she used that to her advantage. When she needed you, you was always there for her, when she wanted attention, you gave it to her, you lifted her. But as soon as things stated to go well for her, she dropped you.

You sound like a great guy and I would advise you disconnect from her and move on. I personally would engage in very little with her from now on, if I were you. This may sound painful and it will be at first, but time heals. You are worth so much more than being used by so called friends. The more you keep going back to her, the more she will deceive you and will likely hurt you again.

You owe it to yourself to move on from her.

[DoctorSex]

You're really in a bad place and position. You are the quintessential definition of a SIMP. You are the type of guy women steal attention from. You're attention is your life force as a man your most valuable asset.. and you allowed her to steal yours from you. You didn't even put up a fight. Women do not respect men who are so accessible. She is a vampire and you were her victim. Never be that guy again. Never. Burn this into your heart. You were used.

Kind regards,

DoctorSex

[Jdjfjcjj]

I thought you were going to say that she was still dating the same guy which wouldn't have surprised me.

Even with their being a new guy, I would not rule out that she was not already dating him, they were having issues, she starts comtacting you, and then either stops it, OR they bad broke up, you were a rebound, and they reconnect.

[SonOfPiper]

in my opinion the dude was smooth. He originally let her know that he has a crush for her friend. He will take her places under the pretence that he was buying gifts for her friend and when her friend rejected him (even if she told me she was playing hard to get), he went for her. By that time they were soo comfortable being around each other that it makes sense she liked him too while I'm here in another side of the country hanging on to past experiences with her to make something work. In the end I can't disagree that he isn't good for her and he is moving very fast with her and talking about marrying her by the end of next year. I think she has found someone who really works for her and that upset me at first but I can only disconnect from her and work hard enough to be that guy for someone else

[Stickykuza]

Oh I have a friend like that though we both in College, I had a little crush on her but she already got a boyfriend before the feeling of crush bloomed into something else, she always text me when she's with her boyfriend, shows that she's with him.. zzzzz she's weird as fk, but still as a friend we have a similar humour so I get along with her pretty well and I've moved on, but I still can't find new crush 😄😆 probably cuz I take my sweet time to fall for a person.

[RavVid]

Well I think she didn't really consider getting with you tbh. So though you might have had sex in a car she has chosen another guy.

Can't say she hasn't played you but to some degree you have played yourself. We all do when we want someone. Hope springs eternal etc. You need to be realistic now.

[CallmeTheKnight]

Whenever I noticed a lie or inconsistencies after I made my investments. One thing I learned is your gut will speak to you about it

[SonOfPiper]

And I was told to stop overthinking when I questioned her about a few inconsistencies. Its a good experience, I learnt that all women are capable of carrying a love venom. I always thought I knew the type of women who were like this and did well to stay away from them but there are ones who are a lot more subtle and I've got to be aware of that

[YourFavoriteFriend]

Forget about her. And PLEASE! Never be with someone that has depression again and that you feel like you "need" to be there for her/him. Friendship and relationships must be great for both ends.

[Adaeva]

I don't relate to being played and don't know what that would feel like. Of course, I change boyfriends every month or so and sometimes more frequently. Perhaps because I still have a lot to learn about boys.

[Anonymous]

This is why I have a strict rule. I WILL NOT put anymore effort into a woman than she is willing to put into me. "Don't tell me, show me" is my mantra. If she's unwilling to do that she's clearly not interested. Let some other guy step on that land mine.

You've already made the mistake wasting the time you have on her. It's OK, if you've learned from this. Pull up stakes, be done with her, and don't do this again.

[desperatelyhungry]

When a guy says he likes me but then acts like I’m insane when I bring up us being together. Guess I’m crazy to assume you liking me means you wanna be a thing

[Anonymous]

Ditch the bitch, Harry

[Sanamina]

Always make sure when ur starting any kind of a relationship that the two of you are on the same page about it.

[Sparkie460]

If they tell you what you want to hear so they get what they want then disappear when they get it, you have been played

[Avicenna]

Ouch, that sucks

[OddBeMe]

The best: never know
The worst: as soon as it happens.