How Do I Ask My Mom If I Can Date?

Question

I am not very open to her all of the time, and I am not sure if she would like me dating at my age, but she knows I am not stupid, and won't do anything stupid, so it could go either way. But I need the least bold and embarrassing way to ask. Also, do middle schoolers usually ask before dating? Should they even date?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

So let me first mention that I'm not a parent.

I more... definitely can remember middle school. I've also given enough useful advice to people your age, that I'm confident I still know how things go for someone your age.

But no. Middle-schoolers generally don't ask before dating. In fact, I've never heard on that happening.

I think a big reason that people don't ask is because they are afraid their parent will say 'no'. And then, since you asked... you're stuck either having to straight-up 'defy' what your parents say, or you have to accept what they've said and not date.

Usually, when there's a particular boy you're wanting to date. It would be unacceptable to just... NOT have a relationship because their parents forbid it... so, they just choose not to ask.

Even if they aren't afraid of getting a 'no' from their parent, I think people tend not to ask because (as I'm sure you're WELL aware) it's kind of an... awkward conversation to have. For everybody.

Usually, if someone is NOT especially close to their parents (in terms of talking about this sort of stuff) they will tend to tell their parent about "their boyfriend" AFTER she's already dating him. It's presented to the parents as something that already "is" and then hope the parents 'roll with it' (which, they usually do, actually).

Parents know (or should know) that their kids are going to start experimenting with boys, and dating and all of that stuff at some point. Parents definitely have a whole lot of fears about that. But they do also understand that they are going to have to allow their child to explore boys, dating and relationships as a normal, healthy part of growing up.

Sometimes parents have trouble accepting that NOW is the time they have to step-back and let their child explore all of this (that's almost no matter how old you are. It's always going to partly feel like 'your too young' in their eyes. It's an impulse that some parents struggle with more than others)

So, I do not want to tell you to NOT ask your mother about dating. It's not inherently a bad idea. You have to decide for yourself whether or not asking her is something that makes sense. If you would feel like you're doing something wrong, by not asking first, then you should ask her.

Part of growing up is figuring out your own morals and values. If your 'gut feeling' is: "it would be dishonest or wrong to date someone without asking permission." What that indicates, is that FOR YOU (in particular, and specifically) it WOULD be wrong for you to do this. That gut feeling of guilt or of doing something dishonest is your own moral compass.

You should ALWAY ALWAYS listen to your own moral compas. If it feels wrong to YOU--without worrying about consequences of getting caught or anything like that--then it IS wrong FOR YOU. Never ignore that internal compass.

So, let's say you've decided you are indeed wanting to ask. How do you do it?

So, first of all, honestly, it speaks so highly to what kind of kid you must be... for you to even be wondering about asking permission. That tells me that you're a good kid. Your heart is in a good place. I think that your mom will immidiately be reminded of that, as soon as she realizes what it is you're doing.

Like I said, most people DON"T do this. So she can't help but think "geez I've raised a good kid for her to be asking me this". I don't care if your mom is crazy and doesn't want you to kiss a boy until you turn 21. She STILL can't help but be touched by the very fact that you're asking. (and so am I to be honest... by the fact that you're even considering it).

The way you approach it, is like "a presentation of a case". You are trying to overall make the case that: "I am at an apropriate time in my life to start experimenting with boys romantically, in an age-appropriate way"

That is your overall case. That is what you're trying to convince her of. So, you PREPARE your case before hand. Get organized. Write yourself some jot-notes. (bringing your own notes when you talk to her is a PURE boss-move).

The point is. Your mom should be able to SEE that this is something that you have taken the time to consider, that you've taken the time to prepare, and that this is something that YOU consider to be serious and important. The more organized and prepared you seem. The better (use notes, even if you don't need 'em. It's impressive)

You need to think about all your 'arguemts' before hand. AND how you want to present them. What points are you going to make (comparing yourself to everyone else your age, highlighting that you're not stupid, etc.). Get all that stuff together and organized.

Then, think of the objections your mom is likely to have. You can probably guess some of what she might be worried about or concerned about when it comes to you dating. You need to pre-empt as many of those objections as possible. Say them before she has a chance to say them, and follow it up with why that objection is unecessary, or not something she has to worry about.

So, if she's going to say "you're too young to date"

Then before she says anything, you want to include in what YOU'RE saying something like:

"I know you might think I'm too young to date. First, I want to point out that other girls my age are starting to date. Second, I want to be clear on what I mean when I say I want to "date".

(and then DO explain what you mean. Because if you explain what 'dating' means to you, I think it WILL help relieve some of her fears. "Dating" can mean anything. Explain what you're actually talking about)

The other important thing, is to 'take charge' of the whole situation. You ask your mom if you can schedule a time to meet to have a talk about something you'd like to discuss with her.

Don't just walk up to her some night when she's watching TV and try and start this conversation. SCHEDULE a specific time.

This will throw your mom-off (not in a bad way). But she'll immidiately take the whole thing more seriously. Plus, she'll be wondering what you could possibly want to talk about that you would ask to SCHEDULE a time to talk to her. She'll wonder if it's this or if it's that. But honestly, when she learns what you ACTUALLY want to talk about... she'll be slightly relieved.

Because it's not even close to as bad as what she worried you MIGHT want to talk about. (let her think 'oh shit, maybe she's pregnant' for a day or two until whatever time you scheduled rolls around. that's not any of your doing. You just asked to schedule a talk.)

Conversely, she might immediately want to talk instead of scheduling a time later... because she will worry if you don't talk right now... that's fine. But you need to ASK TO SCHEDULE A TIME. If she says "no, let's talk right now' that's fine. But asking to schedule a time puts you in control of the WHOLE situation. You start from a position of power.

So, you present this 'case' to your mother, as rationally, maturely and completely as you can. You've got it already prepared, you deliver it "as a presentation" the whole thing at once. You can even ask her to please let you finish saying all you need to say before saying anything herself.

You want to OVERWHELM HER with how serious and mature you are being in how you GO ABOUT THIS. Everything from how prepared you are, to the way you're articulating your points. You want her to be sitting there thinking "wow... who IS this young lady"... when did she grow-up so much.

You show her how responsible and mature you are, in HOW you present it, and handle the whole situation. Make it undeniable in the way you present yourself and your case, that you are more mature than your mom might usually give you credit for.

Lastly, leave it open-ended. Say something at the end of your 'presentation' like: "I realize that what I'm asking might be something you need some time to think about and consider before giving me an answer." At least leaving an opening for her to say "I don't know" (which... might genuinely be how she feels when you're presentation is finished).

Sorry this ended up so long. I hope it helps though. You sound like a good kid. I hope things work out for you. 🙂

Friendlybro79 · Accepted Answer

The more adult like you act in this situation will help. For example. An adult would be upfront and honest. Less words are better. Also, be prepared to hear news that you don't want to hear. Be ready for it and be respectful with her decision.

Write out a dialogue and read it out loud to yourself when you have privacy to hear how it sounds. I do this when I have to have important presentations at my job and it helps big time. Be prepared to shorten your talk track.

Here's how I would say it but you should find your own words.

Hi Mom. I want to have a discussion with you. Everything is fine but when you have time let me know.

(Be ready for her to say ok let's talk now)

Mom I want to ask for your advice and gain permission to possibly date. I didn't want to do anything behind your back because I want to be honest with you always. What are your thoughts?

Be ready for do you like someone, has someone asked you out etc. That said, even if you act like an adult and do this perfectly they have a right to say no as you're a minor. If that happens tell her thank you for listening and try to keep your honesty around the subject open to her. You're always allowed to keep feelings to yourself of course if you want to.

I hope this helps but I will say if I had a middle school kid who asked to date and they were crying or screaming about it I would absolutely be a definitive no. If she says yes be prepared for her to ask you personal questions and birds and bees stuff if that hasn't happened yet. Good luck and more importantly be safe and enjoy your childhood. Dating is hard for adults and being mentally ready is important.

WhitneySnow · Accepted Answer

Just ask her straight up. But she might say no (mine did in middle school), which means you have to think of a way to get around her.

DesiUwU · Accepted Answer

I just told my mom about a boy i hung out with a bunch and she put 2 and 2 together

Summeroflove · Answer

Just ask her it might be awkward but

SnowedIn · Answer

GREAT questions!

Should they date? Yes, provided that you both are mature and thoughtful about it and that you don't let the dating take over your life. Easy for me to say, I know. But, yeah, dating has a lot of benefits (there are pitfalls too) so therefore it can be worthwhile.

Do middle schoolers ask? Some do. Many don't. But, this dovetails into the answer of how you ask your mom.

Overall, don't make it a big deal.

But, then, start small. Meet some friends at a coffee shop. Figure out a way for your mom to meet the guy so she knows him. Then, ask her if you can go other places (mall, movie, restaurant, etc.). It gradually grows on parents.

If that's too indirect, then you could catch her when she has a free minute, make her coffee/tea and tell her "Mom, there's a boy I'd like to see more of. How are you most comfortable with this?"

Some parents get hung up on age, as if there's a magic age when dating should or should not start. I'm not judging, I just don't agree. Bringing it up so you can have that in your mind that your mom/parents might be like, "but you're not yet X years old."

Some final thoughts are, first, that @dustybiker is, as usual, spot on. Make sure that the rest of your life is in order (chores done, decent grades, practicing your instrument, nice to siblings, etc.) and you've been honest and trustworthy otherwise. Also (back to not making this a big deal), you're not asking to fly to Paris for a week alone -- this is about spending more focused time with a boy as opposed to just randomly seeing them at school. You want your mom to see dating as non-threatening.

SpokenTruth · Answer

I remember those times too going way back when I was 7 years old and before. I wanted a girlfriend really bad and I know well how that feels. In your case I would simply ask her what she thinks about you dating at your age get her answer and go from there.

icedragoom · Answer

To be honest don't date just focus on your home work and or college or soon to be college life when I dated in highschool there was to much drama and when I was in college I had to little money and not that much time it just became a headache

JohnK123 · Answer

Tbh middle schoolers shouldn’t date lmao Ik people who have and it’s not real… it’s just fake “love” lmao what grade r u in

dustybiker · Answer

With parents you show your maturity through your actions. You earn their trust.

AsaKyo · Answer

You don't  Wait until you're 18 lmao

Emanon25 · Answer

Talk to her, I’d suggest to be honest with her.

es20490446e · Answer

What's the purpose of asking?

Anonymous · Answer

Do you have to ask for permission?

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