We went on a date and he didn’t even check if I got home safe. Is that rude?

Question

I went on a date yesterday with someone who I used to be seeing he said missed me and stuff but he didn’t even check to see if I got home safe? Is it me or is that rude? That’s why I didn’t even bother doing anything sexual with him I was thinking to message this

‘Yesterday you didn’t message to see if I got home safe and this old man was literally following me through town. Imagine if I did do stuff with you and you still wouldn’t have checked if I got home safe lol that’s why I wasn’t even on it like that cause I don’t even feel close to you emotionally’

or shall I just leave it?

AMS700CX4u2 · Accepted Answer

That is rude. I hate to use the "Man Up" term but, it is his responsibility to see you safely home. I don't care if you are a blackbelt and he is non-violent. It's his responsibility. Now to pull the rug out from under my feet
We had a friend who told us the her dad was a practicing engineer for a crime ring. We did not believe it. until the Black Mercedes kept following us home from work. Our friend and her husband had knock down drag out fights and my wife would go over and remove their infant son from the turmoil. One day we met the Grandfather who told us he was grateful. Years later I went back to school. On one trip to see me the cam belt broke on my wife's car. Needless to say we were in no position to pay for a repair. A Black Mercedes pulls up and everything is repaired and my wife leaves the dealership without paying a penny. When returning home my wife stops by the dealership to pay the bill only to find it is paid in full. Once home she reports to our neighbor who says she knows all about it. The Black Mercedes was our constant body guard. This all happened 30 years ago We don't see them now, but are thankful that they were there. The point of the story " Was the man who followed you an escort supplied by your date? Some folks do have crazy money.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

Yes. but...

this is a case of communication, expectation. Women have expectations for how they are to be treated and security and concern are high on that list. When they get scared, then you assume the guy is there to protect you, that's kinda normal for lot of women. Just dumping her off or letting her walk home alone isn't it.

He can't read your mind and if you send him the message he will think you are "difficult" since there's no way he'd know a guy followed you. This is where the breakdown occurs in security/connection/love/and logic. The love makes you feel better and more secure, and maybe it does work beyond time and space... a physics challenge.

You are trying to figure out if he is really concerned about you and thus interested in you. You can't determine from this alone, but it's an indicator of disconnect. He could be... poorly trained, reservations, easily distracted, etc.. Maybe a prior girlfriend who was independent trained him not to do this. Who knows...

Be better to communicate in advance about this expectation. there's more to your story than we know.

kylee2437 · Accepted Answer

So for one sex shouldn’t be on the table regardless if he is a mean or nice guy to you, unless if that’s what you are looking for out of a man, if you are looking for a relationship steer clear of sex on the first date. Secondly, I don’t think this is the biggest issue in the world. You are assuming. Maybe he fell asleep when he got home, maybe he needed time to unwind of what he just did with you, maybe he didn’t want to come off desperate and text you right away. You don’t know what goes through someone’s head and maybe he just needed time. Back in the old days , they didn’t text and make sure you got home safely. They dropped you off back home. This is why I do prefer a guy picking me up. Anyways, why couldn’t you have reached out to him? There’s nothing wrong with reaching out first and showing that you have a caring heart and maybe next time if there’s a second date, he would follow in your shoes. Best advice I ever gotten from a therapist is to “stop assuming and make sure there’s facts in front of you”

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

The world of gender and equality and feminism and "I'm a strong, independent woman" has now permeated culture, to the point that walking a girl to the door, and checking up on her later, and the man following up to reach out again, paying for the whole date, yada yada yada... these are all things of the past now. At least, in the West, or western cultures. Don't know where you live (because you anon'd and we know zilch about you) but it's not rude. Some guys see this as unnecessary; some weren't taught to do it because parenting is much more lax and free-range now; and a lot of guys legit believe that it's more respectful not to do these things, because it means that they don't see females as weaker or more vulnerable than them. Some guys are even getting yelled at for doing what used to be the norm out in society. So they've stopped. If you're mad, it's probably more just to be mad at the feminists who have instilled in men today, "We are strong and independent women. So leave us alone."

Bethany22 · Answer

No, I wouldn't send that text. Especially not the part that implies that he would be even nicer to you after you would have had sex with him. He's as nice as he will ever be before you have sex, but it might be too soon to label him as inconsiderate. Not many guys text to see if girls get home safely, but many of them do show concern about girls' well-being if the girl brings it up in conversation.

Guy13 · Answer

Guy not calling to see if you arrived home safely is passive aggressive in nature. Some guys do that and some girls do not respond because the date was Sooooo bad.
It’s a nasty person way to communicate “don’t contact me again”. Or he’s do selfish and self-involved that it is a blessing in disguise.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

It depends, if you live in a gated community than it’s normal not to check in on you. I never check to see if my female friends get home safely, they drive SUVs and live in big homes and have security locks and video cameras and we hang out in broad day light at very safe restaurants, where not even a police officer could locate us because it’s so secluded and quiet.

AviatorTom · Answer

Did you check to see if he got home safe? What's fair for the goose is fair for the gander.

Having said that, it's a good idea to check that your date got home safely. Some people were not taught that though.

Summeroflove · Answer

Not everything is about sex. Also... you never checked on him either so. I would say the blame is on both of you.

Fraulein1700 · Answer

I don't know how far away you guys live from each other? Like 30-45 minutes (for example)? I think in my opinion that a man who cares will stay up and ask that up. Everyone is different of course, but I would have my set standards too. I want a guy that knows that of course by himself, and cares enough to do it by himself, personally. You might first ask him about it, and then maybe mention about what happened and maybe then tell him your pov on it.

My ex (who lived totally far away from me, another continent) used to make sure that every time I went to visit my dad that I got back to him, at home safe. I don't live nearby and people can be crazy.. but I would agree to write to him anyway, like we had a routine/ agreed on that.

Even when I left him at the airport, he stayed up (also because of his flight) and since I didn't write back to him or was active, asked me if I was okay and safe at home. It was over a 1-2 hour drive.

Knowing men (although not this guy exactly; and only limited to the guys I knew personally that isn't everyone), he might see your text a little strong or call you "paranoid", about the old man part and feel/ think that you made it up to add drama. But he might understand it too, I mean if he cares and you think he can read the text without being a jerk, or misunderstanding, sure it's your feelings. They also count, dear. Think about it. You might talk to him about his pov on returning home and checking on you first, and then mention what bothered you and if you want what you feel (when he answers, etc). That's my opinion, do what you feel is the best but not when you're super angry because you might not be clear minded enough on the situation.

Lusciousphilippa28 · Answer

My sweet, it's either he never was brought up being shown decent values or he never cared. A decent guy knows how to be decent. Some guys just need some training and will be willing to learn. Others, just let them be.

My suggestion: Say nothing and don't text him after this date. Let him make contact, & if he asks you on a second date, enjoy your time together, but gently mention at the end of the actual date that you love it when a man checks up on you. If he likes you, he'd take note and respond. If he doesn't, he's likely seeking sex from you without strings.

Guys make mistakes just like us women do. It's important to remember that sadly modern families have not enforced traditional decency and so, this behaviour is not uncommon. Why else are there signs to get individuals to stand up for someone elderly or pregnant on public transport. People are taught to be self centered rather than community focussed. Remember though, not everyone is opposed to learning "new" ways:)

Friendlybro79 · Answer

I think it's a little too early in your relationship to judge his moral fiber off of this especially in 2023 where there aren't universal givens on how all women like to be treated. He may want to treat you like an adult and not how mom and dad would treat you. Your parents are usually the ones asking you did you get home ok.

How was the rest of your date besides this one thing? That's more important to understanding his character.

The text you wanted to send... Good call on not sending it. That reads borderline nutty. Even if I read the first part and said ah crap I should have asked her to text me that she's home ok... the next part would have me saying she handles things poorly and we just met. That would be enough for me to not want to go out again. You're not sure why he didn't ask and it may not be coming from a bad place.

Were you really followed home by an old guy or was that to make him feel bad?

CubsterShura · Answer

Not rude but kinda neglectful. It should be basic manners to check up on a woman if she going home, whether it be family, date, friend, your worst enemy whom you absolutely hate... Saying "call/text me when you get home" and later on text "thanks for today/tonight+something nice about the date (it was fun/I had a good time/it was nice getting to know you)+did you get home safely?) If they tell me to text them I try not to forget sending something like "Hey thanks for tonight, I just got home."

TheBootyChest · Answer

Part of me says to leave it, and leave him.

But also there is a part that he might be thinking that you would think he is too clingy if he did something like that. Sometimes guys think they need to play it cool with the woman so he seems "mysterious".

Not saying that I think this was a good idea on his part, but that is a possibility. I have the opinion that men should always make sure she gets home safe himself, be on the phone the whole time until she gets home, or asks her to message him as soon as she is home safe and secured behind her locked door.

Anonymous · Answer

Why wouldn't you have gotten home safely?

Statistically speaking women are the least likely to be the subjects of violence after men (most likely) and I think also children?

Those women who are victims of violence are also considerably more likely to experience this violence in their own homes rather than out on the streets.

Did that man really follow you through town or was he simply travelling in the same direction and then you decided to frame the situation as him being a stalker?

Also if you are concerned that you aren't going to make it home safely why aren't you going home in a licenced taxi?

Anonymous · Answer

I guess it depends on the circumstances, how late at night was? How safe is the area? How long do you need to walk? Does this person know this? How well do you know each other? I like it when they check up, but I don't mind if they don't. I believe any sane person has a sense of moral and responsibility when needed, if I was a bit afraid to go home by myself I'd tell the guy, or I'll add "I'll text you when I get home" just in case I go missing and he has a bit of brain to check. I remember one guy I used to casually date for around 6 months, we were 10 minutes walk from each other and the area wasn't so safe late at night, he would walk me to my building entrance every time we were "done". I found it very kind.

connemara_crocodile · Answer

I don't know, do yo pay hin for protection? He is your date, not your guardian.

It's nice for someone to check on their date, both guys to girls and girls to guys (what if the guy got a car accident on his way home, or someone mugged him?), But just because it's nice (and probably wise) to do, it doesn't mean it's rude not to do.

He was certainly less rude than you that didn't check on him and comfronted him for not checking on you.
I feel sorry for the guy for dating you.

dustybiker · Answer

In fairness. Most people aren’t raised to be this way. If you want something you need to be clear about it. Then question if he doesn’t do it the next time.

Anonymous · Answer

Are you a child? Do you need a grown up to help you cross the street?

He trusts you can navigate your way home, like I presume you do EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR.

Or are you a complete shut in, too terrified to go out without assistance?

Anonymous · Answer

If you guys talked after you got home, then clearly you got home safe. He’s not your dad, I find it weird for him to have to make sure you got home safe. Unless you’re some vulnerable little girl, I don’t understand the point.

And using that as an excuse not to do anything sexual with him is just straight up weird. You don’t need an excuse to not do anything with him. But using an excuse as pathetic as that? Wow.

Adam1978 · Answer

No he isn't responsible for your safety at this stage. If he was he would escort you home. You can't be independent and expect men to be your bodyguard at the same time. You have to reach boyfriend/girlfriend state for him to have that responsibility.

EmyyWolf · Answer

Yes it is lol. WTF?

Dont be with those narcissistic pe—ophiles!

I had a friends with benefits, and he was considered hot.

And he’d always check if I got home safe. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it or forgot. He’d make sure I’m still alive.

Amy10223 · Answer

If this was your first date with him, he could have checked to make sure you were at home safe. However, it tells more about him, when he didn't. If he complains about it when you tell him, the guy isn't for you. You were right in not "doing any sexual with him" and I wouldn't eother, until you got to know him more. That takes about 3 or 4 months.

Tracker1958 · Answer

Strong and independent? Did you call him to see if he made it home alright? Y o u women are all over the place when it comes to how a man is to treat you. Nothing is good enough. You women should try dating each other until women work out exactly how you want to be treated. Remember, you can put so many requirements that you girls are not worth the trouble.

We went on a date and he didn’t even check if I got home safe. Is that rude?

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