We went on a date and he didn’t even check if I got home safe. Is that rude?

Question

I went on a date yesterday with someone who I used to be seeing he said missed me and stuff but he didn’t even check to see if I got home safe? Is it me or is that rude? That’s why I didn’t even bother doing anything sexual with him I was thinking to message this

‘Yesterday you didn’t message to see if I got home safe and this old man was literally following me through town. Imagine if I did do stuff with you and you still wouldn’t have checked if I got home safe lol that’s why I wasn’t even on it like that cause I don’t even feel close to you emotionally’

or shall I just leave it?

AMS700CX4u2 · Accepted Answer

That is rude. I hate to use the "Man Up" term but, it is his responsibility to see you safely home. I don't care if you are a blackbelt and he is non-violent. It's his responsibility. Now to pull the rug out from under my feet
We had a friend who told us the her dad was a practicing engineer for a crime ring. We did not believe it. until the Black Mercedes kept following us home from work. Our friend and her husband had knock down drag out fights and my wife would go over and remove their infant son from the turmoil. One day we met the Grandfather who told us he was grateful. Years later I went back to school. On one trip to see me the cam belt broke on my wife's car. Needless to say we were in no position to pay for a repair. A Black Mercedes pulls up and everything is repaired and my wife leaves the dealership without paying a penny. When returning home my wife stops by the dealership to pay the bill only to find it is paid in full. Once home she reports to our neighbor who says she knows all about it. The Black Mercedes was our constant body guard. This all happened 30 years ago We don't see them now, but are thankful that they were there. The point of the story " Was the man who followed you an escort supplied by your date? Some folks do have crazy money.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

Yes. but...

this is a case of communication, expectation. Women have expectations for how they are to be treated and security and concern are high on that list. When they get scared, then you assume the guy is there to protect you, that's kinda normal for lot of women. Just dumping her off or letting her walk home alone isn't it.

He can't read your mind and if you send him the message he will think you are "difficult" since there's no way he'd know a guy followed you. This is where the breakdown occurs in security/connection/love/and logic. The love makes you feel better and more secure, and maybe it does work beyond time and space... a physics challenge.

You are trying to figure out if he is really concerned about you and thus interested in you. You can't determine from this alone, but it's an indicator of disconnect. He could be... poorly trained, reservations, easily distracted, etc.. Maybe a prior girlfriend who was independent trained him not to do this. Who knows...

Be better to communicate in advance about this expectation. there's more to your story than we know.

kylee2437 · Accepted Answer

So for one sex shouldn’t be on the table regardless if he is a mean or nice guy to you, unless if that’s what you are looking for out of a man, if you are looking for a relationship steer clear of sex on the first date. Secondly, I don’t think this is the biggest issue in the world. You are assuming. Maybe he fell asleep when he got home, maybe he needed time to unwind of what he just did with you, maybe he didn’t want to come off desperate and text you right away. You don’t know what goes through someone’s head and maybe he just needed time. Back in the old days , they didn’t text and make sure you got home safely. They dropped you off back home. This is why I do prefer a guy picking me up. Anyways, why couldn’t you have reached out to him? There’s nothing wrong with reaching out first and showing that you have a caring heart and maybe next time if there’s a second date, he would follow in your shoes. Best advice I ever gotten from a therapist is to “stop assuming and make sure there’s facts in front of you”

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

The world of gender and equality and feminism and "I'm a strong, independent woman" has now permeated culture, to the point that walking a girl to the door, and checking up on her later, and the man following up to reach out again, paying for the whole date, yada yada yada... these are all things of the past now. At least, in the West, or western cultures. Don't know where you live (because you anon'd and we know zilch about you) but it's not rude. Some guys see this as unnecessary; some weren't taught to do it because parenting is much more lax and free-range now; and a lot of guys legit believe that it's more respectful not to do these things, because it means that they don't see females as weaker or more vulnerable than them. Some guys are even getting yelled at for doing what used to be the norm out in society. So they've stopped. If you're mad, it's probably more just to be mad at the feminists who have instilled in men today, "We are strong and independent women. So leave us alone."

Bethany22 · Answer

No, I wouldn't send that text. Especially not the part that implies that he would be even nicer to you after you would have had sex with him. He's as nice as he will ever be before you have sex, but it might be too soon to label him as inconsiderate. Not many guys text to see if girls get home safely, but many of them do show concern about girls' well-being if the girl brings it up in conversation.

Guy13 · Answer

Guy not calling to see if you arrived home safely is passive aggressive in nature. Some guys do that and some girls do not respond because the date was Sooooo bad.
It’s a nasty person way to communicate “don’t contact me again”. Or he’s do selfish and self-involved that it is a blessing in disguise.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

It depends, if you live in a gated community than it’s normal not to check in on you. I never check to see if my female friends get home safely, they drive SUVs and live in big homes and have security locks and video cameras and we hang out in broad day light at very safe restaurants, where not even a police officer could locate us because it’s so secluded and quiet.

AviatorTom · Answer

Did you check to see if he got home safe? What's fair for the goose is fair for the gander.

Having said that, it's a good idea to check that your date got home safely. Some people were not taught that though.

Summeroflove · Answer

Not everything is about sex. Also... you never checked on him either so. I would say the blame is on both of you.

Fraulein1700 · Answer

I don't know how far away you guys live from each other? Like 30-45 minutes (for example)? I think in my opinion that a man who cares will stay up and ask that up. Everyone is different of course, but I would have my set standards too. I want a guy that knows that of course by himself, and cares enough to do it by himself, personally. You might first ask him about it, and then maybe mention about what happened and maybe then tell him your pov on it.

My ex (who lived totally far away from me, another continent) used to make sure that every time I went to visit my dad that I got back to him, at home safe. I don't live nearby and people can be crazy.. but I would agree to write to him anyway, like we had a routine/ agreed on that.

Even when I left him at the airport, he stayed up (also because of his flight) and since I didn't write back to him or was active, asked me if I was okay and safe at home. It was over a 1-2 hour drive.

Knowing men (although not this guy exactly; and only limited to the guys I knew personally that isn't everyone), he might see your text a little strong or call you "paranoid", about the old man part and feel/ think that you made it up to add drama. But he might understand it too, I mean if he cares and you think he can read the text without being a jerk, or misunderstanding, sure it's your feelings. They also count, dear. Think about it. You might talk to him about his pov on returning home and checking on you first, and then mention what bothered you and if you want what you feel (when he answers, etc). That's my opinion, do what you feel is the best but not when you're super angry because you might not be clear minded enough on the situation.

Lusciousphilippa28 · Answer

My sweet, it's either he never was brought up being shown decent values or he never cared. A decent guy knows how to be decent. Some guys just need some training and will be willing to learn. Others, just let them be.

My suggestion: Say nothing and don't text him after this date. Let him make contact, & if he asks you on a second date, enjoy your time together, but gently mention at the end of the actual date that you love it when a man checks up on you. If he likes you, he'd take note and respond. If he doesn't, he's likely seeking sex from you without strings.

Guys make mistakes just like us women do. It's important to remember that sadly modern families have not enforced traditional decency and so, this behaviour is not uncommon. Why else are there signs to get individuals to stand up for someone elderly or pregnant on public transport. People are taught to be self centered rather than community focussed. Remember though, not everyone is opposed to learning "new" ways:)

Friendlybro79 · Answer

I think it's a little too early in your relationship to judge his moral fiber off of this especially in 2023 where there aren't universal givens on how all women like to be treated. He may want to treat you like an adult and not how mom and dad would treat you. Your parents are usually the ones asking you did you get home ok.

How was the rest of your date besides this one thing? That's more important to understanding his character.

The text you wanted to send... Good call on not sending it. That reads borderline nutty. Even if I read the first part and said ah crap I should have asked her to text me that she's home ok... the next part would have me saying she handles things poorly and we just met. That would be enough for me to not want to go out again. You're not sure why he didn't ask and it may not be coming from a bad place.

Were you really followed home by an old guy or was that to make him feel bad?

CubsterShura · Answer

Not rude but kinda neglectful. It should be basic manners to check up on a woman if she going home, whether it be family, date, friend, your worst enemy whom you absolutely hate... Saying "call/text me when you get home" and later on text "thanks for today/tonight+something nice about the date (it was fun/I had a good time/it was nice getting to know you)+did you get home safely?) If they tell me to text them I try not to forget sending something like "Hey thanks for tonight, I just got home."

TheBootyChest · Answer

Part of me says to leave it, and leave him.

But also there is a part that he might be thinking that you would think he is too clingy if he did something like that. Sometimes guys think they need to play it cool with the woman so he seems "mysterious".

Not saying that I think this was a good idea on his part, but that is a possibility. I have the opinion that men should always make sure she gets home safe himself, be on the phone the whole time until she gets home, or asks her to message him as soon as she is home safe and secured behind her locked door.

Anonymous · Answer

Why wouldn't you have gotten home safely?

Statistically speaking women are the least likely to be the subjects of violence after men (most likely) and I think also children?

Those women who are victims of violence are also considerably more likely to experience this violence in their own homes rather than out on the streets.

Did that man really follow you through town or was he simply travelling in the same direction and then you decided to frame the situation as him being a stalker?

Also if you are concerned that you aren't going to make it home safely why aren't you going home in a licenced taxi?

Anonymous · Answer

I guess it depends on the circumstances, how late at night was? How safe is the area? How long do you need to walk? Does this person know this? How well do you know each other? I like it when they check up, but I don't mind if they don't. I believe any sane person has a sense of moral and responsibility when needed, if I was a bit afraid to go home by myself I'd tell the guy, or I'll add "I'll text you when I get home" just in case I go missing and he has a bit of brain to check. I remember one guy I used to casually date for around 6 months, we were 10 minutes walk from each other and the area wasn't so safe late at night, he would walk me to my building entrance every time we were "done". I found it very kind.

connemara_crocodile · Answer

I don't know, do yo pay hin for protection? He is your date, not your guardian.

It's nice for someone to check on their date, both guys to girls and girls to guys (what if the guy got a car accident on his way home, or someone mugged him?), But just because it's nice (and probably wise) to do, it doesn't mean it's rude not to do.

He was certainly less rude than you that didn't check on him and comfronted him for not checking on you.
I feel sorry for the guy for dating you.

dustybiker · Answer

In fairness. Most people aren’t raised to be this way. If you want something you need to be clear about it. Then question if he doesn’t do it the next time.

Anonymous · Answer

Are you a child? Do you need a grown up to help you cross the street?

He trusts you can navigate your way home, like I presume you do EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR.

Or are you a complete shut in, too terrified to go out without assistance?

Anonymous · Answer

If you guys talked after you got home, then clearly you got home safe. He’s not your dad, I find it weird for him to have to make sure you got home safe. Unless you’re some vulnerable little girl, I don’t understand the point.

And using that as an excuse not to do anything sexual with him is just straight up weird. You don’t need an excuse to not do anything with him. But using an excuse as pathetic as that? Wow.

Adam1978 · Answer

No he isn't responsible for your safety at this stage. If he was he would escort you home. You can't be independent and expect men to be your bodyguard at the same time. You have to reach boyfriend/girlfriend state for him to have that responsibility.

Amy10223 · Answer

If this was your first date with him, he could have checked to make sure you were at home safe. However, it tells more about him, when he didn't. If he complains about it when you tell him, the guy isn't for you. You were right in not "doing any sexual with him" and I wouldn't eother, until you got to know him more. That takes about 3 or 4 months.

Tracker1958 · Answer

Strong and independent? Did you call him to see if he made it home alright? Y o u women are all over the place when it comes to how a man is to treat you. Nothing is good enough. You women should try dating each other until women work out exactly how you want to be treated. Remember, you can put so many requirements that you girls are not worth the trouble.

ThinkFitness23 · Answer

It’s ungentlemanly and definitely not considerate.

In my opinion he should have messaged but it’s not RUDE that he did not.

For me this shows he’s not into you the way he should be. I’m sure he finds you attractive and it’s very likely he just wanted to sharpen his pencil.

TheVigilantFox · Answer

I wouldn’t say rude but careless,

When I was in a relationship I always asked if she got home ok even though she didn’t have far to travel, I’d say “let me know when you get home” it just shows you care for that person.

You shouldn’t need to be doing sexual things with him for him to care for you that’s not on, I wouldn’t say anything to him just leave it and see how it goes, if he doesn’t seem to care then show him you don’t either and move on.

magiusX26 · Answer

was the "i miss you" part after you got home? if so, that is still him checking on you. either way it could simply be he didn't want to come across as condesending by asking and making it look like either he doesn't trust you to get yourself home safely or to seem like he finds you simething like childish so can't get home safely alone.

people really need to rekearn critical thinking and viewing things from alternative perspectives.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

That’s honestly not that big of a deal; you should just let it go. You’re a grown up, he’s a grown up; living life comes with risks. Would it have been better to ask you if you got home safely? Perhaps. The more common thing to do is to do is to ask the person text you when they get home, but that’s far from social protocol

Juxtapose · Answer

I have literally never heard of this, if anything they say you're supposed to wait three more days before talking to her again.

I was raised by mostly my mother and she never taught me to do anything like you're describing. What you're describing sounds like something from a 1950s romance movie, it's like you're a boomer.

Fireguy17 · Answer

ya, he could have showed a little class and told you to let him know that you got home ok, or if you need anything call me.
It works better that way, otherwise how would he know when to call?
He would have no idea how long it takes or if you stopped off to get gas or milk or went to a friend's house.

Jay3344 · Answer

I don’t think it’s rude. I get that if the date was really good he might text like good night, but to check if you got home safe seems like a strange standard for just one date with a person you know. To explain, I would expect that someone I am seeing would be able of taking care of themselves…not being rude just, that’s my standard.

Kori1236 · Answer

Did you check in with him? Did he get home safely. It goes both ways. Like yeah it sucks that he didn’t check in, but neither did you.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes it is lol. WTF?

Dont be with those narcissistic pe—ophiles!

I had a friends with benefits, and he was considered hot.

And he’d always check if I got home safe. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it or forgot. He’d make sure I’m still alive.

musicbrain5 · Answer

Did you message him to ask if he got home safe? Why are you the only one who deserves that?

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

It ain't rude but also it ain't right, i don't need my future love to give me something sexual to check on her, i'll check on her all the time...

Usually if i'm taking a girl to her place, friend or love or any woman, i'll wait so she enters her house and close the door than i leave and if she was living alone, i'll phone her or message her to check of everything is okay, i better hear her voice to make sure!

SnowedIn · Answer

Just leave it. That's not rude. It may not have been your expectation, and that's fair, but not a lot I think are going to do that.

Screenwriter · Answer

If he cared about knowing you got home safe he would've checked. It appears he doesn't. Don't know why you'd bother admonishing him. Sounds like you stopped seeing him for good reason.

I'd forget about it.

Daniela1982 · Answer

You got there by yourself. Maybe he thought you could get home too. There must have been no connection. If a guy was really attracted to the girl he would be all attentive over her.

all_hayl · Answer

So you’re using (or, in this case, holding back) sexual favors as a tool/weapon/bargaining chip/out of spite. I don’t think either of you are mature enough to be in a relationship yet.

Anonymous · Answer

Men don’t know how to be considerate or polite anymore. They just are defensive, selfish and revengeful. Lots of men are sh1t dads and they don’t teach their sons how to be good to a woman. They expect intercourse because we had coffee or dinner with them. They expect seggs because we have been chatting with them for a week or because they bought us flowers.
Move on and ignore that guy.

exitseven · Answer

I used to always do this and this was before we had cell phones. This guy is not a gentleman.

Coyote12 · Answer

I wouldn't say what you put, but I would say "why didn't you check up on me to see if I got home last night?". The guy probably had something to do right after and forgot. I'll guve him another chance.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Why? Are you not capable of getting home safely?

Anonymous · Answer

that's a weird text to send to him. don't send that. just cut your losses. i mean, yeah it is rude. but don't expect anything from anyone so you don't get disappointed. just don't go out with him ever again.

Sparkie460 · Answer

I wouldn't write that. Just say why didn't you message me to make sure I got home safely. I wouldn't say he was rude but just thoughtless. Maybe he fell asleep after you left.

spartan55 · Answer

It's best to communicate your expectations, so I guess you should say something. I recommend doing this in person, but I'm sure you won't.

Anonymous · Answer

You sound immature. You'll do stuff with a guy sexually just cos he asks you if you got home safe?  You're a red flag.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Sadly, good manners are becoming a thing of the past.

Anonymous · Answer

No he respect women a lot, women themselves claim they're strong and independent. So he respects that sentiment.

And women them don't need a man to always take care of them coz you know they can take care of them coz they're strong and independent!

I think you don't like feminist men

moonpie89 · Answer

I think we shouldn't expect things from people. Sucks unfortunately. I prefer texts like that. Sounds like he wasn't interested so he didn't bother

tzdc21 · Answer

Did you ask him if he got home safely? Why does it just have to be you who gets asked that?

Anonymous · Answer

some men myself included Didn't know about this etiquette. Until i found it on GAG. Don't blame him right away. if i didn't see this post, i wouldn't have thought of doing that to the next girl i go out with.

kevypatyy7 · Answer

That's no rude, any thing might have happened so you also have that responsibility to check if he got home safely. Why leave it to him only

Fromdusktilldawn · Answer

in todays time of strong independent women, this is like a joke. You wanted it this way, so dont complain, thank woke culture

rienna888 · Answer

Did he know a man was following you around? Umm if not I’d say it’s fine, I don’t think it’s something too big. at least he said he missed you

LiamJHayden · Answer

Sounds inconsiderate. But you could have texted him that you were home. On the flip side, did you check to make sure he got home safely?

Heolurt · Answer

Nope, females these days might harass a guy just for doing something like that claiming it's sexist, can't ever tell these days so why put himself in that position?

vduong1988 · Answer

your boyfriend really dumbed, i have perfect boyfriend he really sweet and nice he order a ubar for me to go home he say just text me if you safe.

HaveNoName · Answer

I can only think that he was on his next date by then. Nobody serious would be such a fucking piece of douche.

In_Trance · Answer

Stop...

Manuel2 · Answer

No he was giving you the respect all women dream off. So why didn't just call him to say you got home?

Hellraiser1984 · Answer

He was rude. If he's not even going to do that then he's not really interested. Just forget him. You deserve much better.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

🤯 Hey- I think you're starting to figure it out! Congratulations! 😃

OnTheLevel · Answer

So this part of masculinity should be spared by the rest is misogynistic? Did you check to see if he got home safely?

dolemite89 · Answer

asking a girl if she got home after a first date or saying good night should usually avoided by a guy as it can come off as looking desperate.

We went on a date and he didn’t even check if I got home safe. Is that rude?

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He didn’t text to see if I made it home safe…after a date?

We went on a date and he didn’t even check if I got home safe. Is that rude?

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He didn’t text to see if I made it home safe…after a date?

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