Girlfriend keeps bringing up her ex. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Okay, so I’m going to keep this short and to the point. I’ve been dating this girl for about 4 months now and she keeps on bringing up her ex. She brings up bad stories about him and says she’s glad that’s done, but then she brings up memories of them together and laughs. This hurts me because I know that if I were to bring up stories of women from my past she wouldn’t like it. It also hurts me because I know he wants her back and that he’s had sex with her in the past while I haven’t (I’m a virgin). The cherry on top is that I know that he treated her not very good and I’m doing my very best to treat her right and I’m getting done like this :(. I’d go to the moon and back for her but she keeps bringing him up.

Also keep in mind, I started dating her when she was coming off of a breakup with the guy. Thank you for taking the time to read this and have a blessed day.

[Screenwriter]

It's unfortunate that you began with her on the rebound, as you say..

Maybe this relationship has run its course, and you knew this woman wasn't over this guy, but have found in the ensuing months, is STILL NOT OVER HIM.

I'd suggest you exit this painful situation and look for someone whose heart is open to YOU. This woman hasn't done her grief work and it seems she hasn't even done her "I'm finished with him" work.

If she knows he wants her back, and keeps recounting the good times with him TO you, why are you hanging around? Have you not told this woman how hurt you feel when she constantly brings up this guy?

I'd advise you to start. It's one thing to recount something unusually nice about a former partner, like, say, going to Paris or diving with them, on occasion, but not all the time. You're allowing her to use and abuse you.

Only YOU can stop this. I'd say do it quickly.

[RoastedToast]

Couldn't say better myself. This is the best reply you can make for this situation

[D_Bone_Steak]

Listen to this woman my dude... seriously. This guy could call one day because he farted too hard and acceptedly shit himself a little and steal your girl just like that. Don't set yourself up for failure.

[blueonblack22]

Yep. I said the same thing. He’s got to have self respect.

He’s young and a bit naive. Sounds like he was brainwashed into being a nice guy. Taught to kiss girl’s ass’s.

I feel sorry for him. He just wants to feel validated having a girlfriend. But she knows that and is exploiting the living f*ck out of it.

100 bucks she will cheat on him within 2 months with some random asshole she encounters. Then she will dump him and ask him “can we just be friends”. I hate women who do that crap. They do it because they can get away with it when they meet nice guys vs. asking themselves if they should.

But he can’t be so needy and weak to wish for otherwise. However I have absolutely no doubt he was raised to put women up on a pedal stool. This is his reward: being treated like sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Alright. From everything I read about she doesn’t respect you as a real man. Sorry man but I’ve seen this bullshit before and it’s true.

Also is really your girlfriend? Does she call you her boyfriend in front her friends, social media, acquaintences? I really hope you aren’t in some sorta bullshit wishy washy friéndzone situation

Do you have a specific reason to keep your V card after dating her for 4 months? If it’s because you want to lose to someone you marry I respect that. But from what I’ve read above she’s not that person. Not at all. However if she’s cock blocking you it’s time to get the hell out of this. Do it very soon.

Having self respect ALWAYS trumps any romantic attention you think you have from a woman. Always.

I would tell she isn’t what you are looking for and you want to move on. Also specifically tell her that you can be friendly you have zero interested in being friends.

You already have one foot in the friéndzone. It’s only a matter of time when she hops in the sack with someone else and confidentially thinks she shove you all the way in with friéndzone bs.

I swear there is a special place in hell for women who do this shit to otherwise good guys.

[Opinion Owner]

Just saw your screenname ChristLover. Alright I respect your beliefs. I have Christian beliefs too (sorry about the swearing).

You need to get out of this asap. You are not going to change her into a woman you want to marry. If she had strong feelings about you she would rarely if ever bring up her ex boyfriend. She would think twice about how that makes you feel.

Even if she was only comparing you positively to an ex is actually still a bad sign. I had an ex girlfriend who did that often. While it felt good on the surface there was an alarm bell ringing distance in my brain. I wondered if one day she would be comparing her next boyfriend positively to me.

[OfMiceandMen]

That is why people say don't be someone's rebound. She is clearly not over him and she still needs to work things out on her own terms.

If I were you, I would discuss putting the relationship on hold, until she comes to grips, the other person is gone.

I would also put a time limit on it. If she comes back around later on, then it was meant to be, if not, then you know where you stand and can move on with your life.

[blueonblack22]

Did you read the other details this kid wrote? They have been dating for 4 months and no sex. But she’s not a virgin. Sure he is but unless he very spiritual I doubt he wants to cling on to his V card much longer.

[OfMiceandMen]

@blueonblack22 I gathered from his name he is a spiritual person. I know he has deep feelings for her, but, it may be best that he hold onto his V-card. You want to remember your first time as something special. Losing his virginity to this girl may not feel very special, if she leaves him for her ex. He may regret it afterwards. Best to hold onto his virginity and cross that bridge when he has know doubts about his girl.

[blueonblack22]

Yeah I respect that too. I know I regret who I lost it too. I was more worried about “being cool” when I was 16.

But still he needs to end this quick. He thinks she is going to change for him and we both know she won’t.

[OfMiceandMen]

Thanks 🙋

[Calypsin21]

BLUF: She's not over yet.

Anyone who consistently brings up their ex still harbors some kind of feelings for him. If she's talking him up this much, image how much Shea actually THINKING about him.

You have two options at this point:

1) Honesty and Requests. Tell her how you feel and how much it's hurting you. Request that she doesn't bring him up anymore. If she starts making excuses for it, huge red flag.

2) Leave. She's obviously not over her ex, so what are the possibilities she'd leave you to get back with him. I recommend you cut your losses with her and try to find a new girlfriend. It's NOT selfish to think of yourself. I can tell you want to make her happy, but is she making YOU happy?

[coachTanthony]

Are you a woman or know a woman who has been ALPHA WIDOWED?

Perfect example.

[blueonblack22]

He’s a spiritual kid. I respect that. But he’s hoping this girl will become something she’s not. He need to get out of it asap.

[Guy13]

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[Guy13]

Red flag if you missed the subtleness

[D_Bone_Steak]

Yeah in case you missed a red flag... I'm sure there is one up there for you to see.

[Sour-rose]

Well good thing you kept this short, otherwise I would have my snap opinion on ready. But honestly, I wouldn't say break up with her. Just... see what the hell. Why is she bringing up this mofo? Of course don't ask her that like that but just see the source of why she brings him up. Gently. Like as in "Yo, so why is this guy on your mind?" "Well because (reason)" "Okay... what else?" And keep going on until she got nothing else or now she's getting annoyed o:> but eventually, it might open up something in front of you that you both never realized.

[Billboshaggens]

I hate to break it to you but you're in the friend zone. There is no point in not being honest with her about your feelings. Tell her how she makes you feel, all of it. And if she doesn't reciprocate, break up with her. Because you're never going to be able to change how you feel about her in the friend zone. But there is a slight chance that if you open up to her she will reciprocate. Don't listen to these fucking dip-shits calling you a beta male or whatever. You get to choose what type of person you are, everyday with your choices and actions. The biggest measuring stick for a man is how he treats other people. And you owe her the truth. So give it to her.

[blueonblack22]

I do not think he’s a beta male. But he is naive. He hoping she will become something she’s not. He needs to get out asap.

[Billboshaggens]

@blueonblack22 What's wrong with having an honest conversation?

[blueonblack22]

Because she might put on a front that she really likes him despite her behavior. She’s using him as a rebound and a safety net because he’s a nice guy. It’s quite obvious when you read what he said.

He can have an honest conversation on WHY he wants to get out. It would be a good lesson for her. But everything she has said and done is pointing to a inevitable train wreck.

But I don’t think this kid is going to be able to walk away tbh. He’s hoping she will magically change for him and have real but I predict she will only get worse because (unbeknownst to him) he has already failed a bunch of her shit tests.

I really feel sorry for his kid. I was similar to him in my 20s.

[blueonblack22]

* He’s hoping she will magically change for him and have real emotions/attraction for him

[Billboshaggens]

@blueonblack22 That's a distinct possibility, but neither you nor I know this woman or this dude. Your predicting the worst in both of them. I'm just leaving room for the possibility that he's not an idiot and she's not a shit-bird.

[blueonblack22]

Well he has been dating her for 4 months and he hasn’t had sex with her. Reason being is his spiritual beliefs. So what’s his endgame? Date her long term and marry her? That would be great if she was onboard, had real feelings and respected him. If she did she wouldn’t of been talking her ex like this. Especially the positive memories she had of him. That’s 100% disrespectful.

Anyway the strongest bargaining chip a man has at the table is the ability to walk away and mean it. It will really test her true feelings for him. Talk is cheap.

You also got to take in account that his mind is emotionally compromised right now. Hormones are being released causing him to have rosy eyed glasses. He is not thinking clearly and not noticing other slights and hints that we can see plain as day. He is hoping of the best and will likely buy her bs story if he tried to verbally resolve this.

[Billboshaggens]

@blueonblack22 Hey bud, you might be right. But he will ultimately choose to handle the situation in the way that he sees fit. It's my advice that he has a conversation before he chooses to walk away. And I agree that he probably will. But he'll learn more if he has that heart to heart. Even if it's a hard lesson, he'll learn it. But the this chick left this other dude for a reason. And by having this conversation she'll also learn something about herself. Which is equally as important. I feel for this dude, it suck when your love isn't requited. But I think he probably has the tools to be the type of man he wants to be and to make his own decisions.

[blueonblack22]

@Billboshaggens well he isn’t thinking clearly. The attraction he feels is literally a chemical release in his brain. Similar to being on drugs. It impacts your judgment.

Also I think he was likely unfortunately raised to be naive and chivalrous to women. That is ideal with the RIGHT woman most young boys and men are not taught to watch out for the wrong women. Young girls though are often taught to watch out for abusive men (but many choose not to heed that advice).

Anyway everything comes down to respect. It cuts through everything. If a woman doesn’t respect you need to walk. She isn’t going to change just because you have wishful thinking. It’s better to have self respect despite being lonely. Women won’t stay with men who don’t have have self respect anyway. They will exploit them for their immediate needs and move on when the next shiny thing comes along.

[Billboshaggens]

@blueonblack22 Yeah I 100% agree with you. I just don't think there is any harm in him telling her how he feels. And like I said, he should probably walk away. I'm not disputing that. I just have more faith in his ability to be rational, but I could be wrong.

Honestly, dude probably made his move already, so there is really no point in continuing to debate this. At this point it's just mental masturbation. I think I'm done. Thanks.

[blueonblack22]

She will likely try to talk him out of it. She will panic about losing her “friend” and attention she’s getting.

But this really delves into a deeper problem with his upbringing. I was raised Christian just like him (but I had a lot of flaws buts that’s another story).

But many young Christian programs try to guide men away from promiscuity, porn, etc. That’s a very good thing. But they also instruct young men to be chivalrous to women. They might warn men of about promiscuous women but never about modern women who exploit well meaning guys. Many sermons I’ve listened to usually charge men to “be better”. Pastors are hesitant to criticize women especially young women. They usually warn them to stay away from abusive men but rarely if ever do they condemn women who take advantage of men.

The problem is twofold. First the approach is antiquated because it’s assuming that Christian men will only encounter Christian women who wouldn’t be behaving the way this guy’s girlfriend is acting. Second is pastor’s hesitate to condemn women because feminists are usually already at odds with the church. This would add fuel to the fodder.

Anyway I don’t know if you have spiritual beliefs or not but Christian guys are not warned nor prepared to deal with situations like this. It’s sad. Because this happened to me when I was younger.

[blueonblack22]

Anyways he just needs to make his decision and calmly tell her this: “Hey so and so. I enjoyed dating and getting to know you. However I decided it’s best for me to move on because I think you are not over your ex. It’s actually deeply insulting for me to hear you talk about him often. However I’m willing to forgive you but still I think it’s best we break up.”

She will likely immediately apologize and make some bs promise to never mention him again. But she is obviously not over the guy. So either she will go back to her ex or she will find some other guy who blows her mind and excites her. 99% chance that will eventually happen.

But I don’t see him being tough enough to do this tbh. He’s likely in for a very cruel lesson. I feel sorry for him but his upbringing unfortunately lead him like a lamb to the slaughter being a Christian nice guy in the a feminist infested brutal modern world. He wasn’t prepared for these possibilities.

[Billboshaggens]

@blueonblack22 I'm sorry to hear that. I was raised in the church, but it never really took with me. Not that there is anything wrong with having a strong faith. It just didn't resonate with me. I can, however, see where you're coming from, and I suppose I didn't consider that perspective. You might be right, but life is a strange soup. You never know how it's go'na to slap. Cheers Bro. Good talking to you.

[blueonblack22]

Likewise bro.

@christlover21 I really hope you read the dialogue I had with @Billboshaggens. I know your situation is difficult but honestly you don’t want to get burned bad on this and heartbroken. You want to keep your self respect and dignity.

Nowhere does in the Bible are men commanded to take disrespect from women when they are doing everything they were taught to do. Don’t throw pearls at swine. The good parts of you will get trampled underfoot.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Run. She's playing you like a fiddle. Gotta respect yourself first BEFORE you go seeking love and affection and loyalty from a woman. You know you're seeing red flags all around, so the only reason to stick around with her is either A) you refuse to respect yourself, or B) you're actually willing to lie to yourself about her level of investment in your "relationship" (which is tantamount to disrespecting yourself by not being honest with yourself, so really it all amounts to the same thing).

[Anonymous]

'I’d go to the moon and back for her '

And what exactly has she done to deserve such a sentiment other than looking attractive? She has demonstrated that she's into toxic men and she is still talking about the last one that treated her badly. You should send her to the moon and then come back down to earth... get on your life purpose and stop wasting time on this.

While you're pining for this girl that isn't interested, you could have been becoming financially free and building yourself up in every way possible.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

That 1st and 2nd line straight facts. LOL

[Ligerzzero]

Big red flag right there.

Definitely means she is not over her ex, and she is still thinking about him a lot, so there is good chance she might run back to him.

If you got together right after or during breakup that’s never a good thing.

You would not be the first or last guy for this to happen to.

[Hassan_8]

If you like her you can do one final try and start ignoring her little

sometimes we don't realise what we have until we start losing it, if she likes you she'd have to try and get your attention back.. but if she didn't then forget about her.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I highly suggest you look up here on the internets dot com what "alpha widowed" is, because that sounds like your chick. I feel for you bro... but honestly, I don't think there is anything that you can do. Once you read the definition of alpha widowed I think you'll understand, but I can't really describe it here in one place.

[Orion76]

Tell her it bothers you, it will bother anyone some people can evaluate their conversation and think yea I really been saying this or that too much and some don’t think about it It’s your job to find a nice way to help them, and it could mean absolutely nothing to her just making a conversation or at least she thinks she does.

[dustybiker]

Sounds like you need to sit down with her and have an open, nonjudgmental conversation. Not only share but listen too. Don’t be afraid to talk to people you are in a relationship with. Just keep it civil.

[Asker]

You’re very right. I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll wait for it to come up again and I’ll tell her that I don’t like that.

[dustybiker]

Just be kind.

[Asker]

Yes, always approach situations with love and respect. Thank you for reminding me

[Staximus]

She's already had sex, what the hell are you waiting for? An invitation from Santa Claus to fuck her at the North Pole? Stop being a scared little bitch boy and be a man. Women want a man, not a little boy in a man's body. Time to grow up and start acting like a man. It's been 4 months, if you don't start fucking her, somebody else will.

[Jhunitor]

"This hurts me because I know that if I were to bring up stories of women from my past she wouldn’t like it."

I would personally never accept hypocrisy and double standards in my relationship.

Also she sounds obsessed with her ex and might me the type of girl to go back to him if he invite her too.

[Paul09]

Ask her what does she want in a relationship from you. Tell her bringing up her ex so much is hurtful. Communication! Tell her you are, here for her, if she keeps bringing up her ex you might not see a future together. If you can't communicate, what is the point I any relationship?

[Minahh]

Tell her that it hurts you and would like her to not mention him. I feel like your partner should know about your past relationships, so they can love you properly and understand your story, however the past is in the past and it shouldn't influence your new relationship. If she's not done processing the breakup, advise her to go to therapy.

[Wraith_Cemetery]

I'm pretty sure him saying "you should go to therapy" wouldn't go very well for him.

[Minahh]

You right there. I advise that to my ex. He broke up with me. The greatest thing that could've happened to me. Perhaps that's also his case.

[Ms_Facesitter]

RED ALERT. In all honesty... if someone is so busy with their past relationship I would start to think that she's still with him, emotionally. She hasn't moved on yet. She hasn't found closure. A BAD TIME TO START A NEW RELATIONSHIP.

[JSmuve]

She isn't over him. She probably still pines for him secretly and is using you as a temporary distraction. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she were to get back with him. You need to find out where you stand with her.

[Sasha0426]

She probably doesn’t realize how much she’s bringing him up. Maybe have a conversation with her and tell her how much it’s affecting you. She’s sounds like a lovely girl but just really hurt.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. What I’m thinking of doing is waiting for her to do it again and then telling her that I don’t like that and when she asks me to elaborate we’ll go into to deeper.

[Sasha0426]

Awesome! Hope all goes well 👍

[animeemo]

give her time, it might be hard but deal with it and if it continues you should probably have a talk with her, you can't be together if you can't share whats hurting you.

[mysfit]

I think you’re a rebound. But if you can take it being one, go ahead. But if not, the door is always open.