What to do about advising a friend?

[Anonymous]

This may be lengthy but if you take the time to read it I appreciate you! So last Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend and I went on a small cruise event. We were seated with a couple who’s around our age and quickly made friends. Over time, we began hanging out with them, and we all became close, which was so cool to have another couple to hang with. After maybe 3 months I started noticing friction between her and him. It was like at first he had a poker face, then got comfortable and started showing his true nature. He’f be extremely rude to her, asking her not to talk or repeatedly cutting her off. I’d try subtly to have her back without messing up the vibe or getting to involved in their situation. Then around November it was like she had a meltdown. At that point I learned small things about her, like she basically alienated herself from friends and her close cousins for him, so she has no one aside from him. She started texting me more, asking advice and I tried to be neutral as possible. That’s the pace it’s been, up until this past weekend. He said something harsh while we were out bowling, went to the bathroom then I checked on her. This was the first time I tried giving her some unbiased advice, not too much but just telling her she deserves to be happy and right now she seems the opposite. So after we parted ways, I told my boyfriend about this and he got really serious. He was saying I shouldn’t get involved, it’s not our problem and their the first friends we’ve made as a couple, so I shouldn’t mess it up. Now she’s sent me a text thanking me for the weekend and asking if we could meet up to chat. I know she will want to vent, and I’m so leery about getting involved, or if I should be passive. Plus we have never hung out on our own, always as couples. I don’t want to ruin the dynamic we have now but I also feel bad if she’s alone with no one to talk to. Should turn down the hang out? Keep things more casual? I don’t know.

Updates

1 y

Sorry for any typos, I was trying to type this out privately and messed up some things 😓

Updates

1 y

Thank you all for your feedback. I woke up this morning wondering if maybe it would be best to hang out with them less altogether? Sure it’s nice having their friendship, but is it more trouble than it’s worse? Is this route just too avoidant?

[Datboi65]

Do what's right and just over way makes your boyfriend happy. Of course I don't know the situation well, but based of what you said this is a 🚩 from both of them (the other guy and your man).

Don't jump to conclusions to quickly just yet, make him understand where you come from and why this is so important to you. If he thinks that this friendship he made is more important than doing the right thing, then needs to go.

One of the biggest vetting points I say people should pay special attention to is morality. Do you want to marry someone who doesn't share your morals? I would say that most likely the answer is no. This is why once again, you need to make him understand that this is not negotiable and if he doesn't, then he needs to 👋🏿

[SnowedIn]

First, favor to ask with long questions like that: please insert some line breaks to avoid the great wall of text.

On this one, I agree with your boyfriend. Stay out of it. Don't advise her. Listen. Have coffee. Be a friend. But you're not Dear Abby or a professional relationship counselor.

[Asker]

Thanks, normally I’m betting about the spacing but as mentioned in my update I was trying to type in private lol but I do appreciate the feedback, that’s the route I will probably go.

[BlackBeauty90]

@snowedin - cowardly conduct. People of abuse look for help. Cowards don't help, decent people do.

[Gummy_Cluster]

@BlackBeauty90
Who is cowardly?

[Gummy_Cluster]

I got dizzy half way through that. I tried, but I couldn't finish it.

[ShiftingMonke]

@BlackBeauty90 I've never in my life defused a bomb. And it's literal suicide to attempt to 'help' an EOD situation. An I a coward, or do I know my own capabilities?

OP is in over her head. What's more, she's admitted that 'fixing' failing relationships isn't her forté. Why would you drive her to accomplish a task that she's not rated for, with a result that won't impact her no matter the resolution? If you feel the need to help everyone, by all means, go for it. Channel your inner Mother Theresa. But to resort to name calling, simply because someone else suggested the most reasonable response is juvenile.

The friend is in tough spot, it would seem. That's lamentable. But I didn't see where OP expressed why the friends is somehow not responsible for the decision she made. The friend isolated herself from all other natural and normal relationships, and the long term consequences have now come to roost. That's part of growing up: making mistakes, and learning from them.

OP's boyfriend is right, it's time to rein in the bleeding heart and stay in their lane. What you call cowardice is common sense by any other name.

[BlackBeauty90]

@ShiftingMonke you always struck me as a coward in your numerous posts. Just listening and giving advice is enough, only the useless don't think that

[ShiftingMonke]

@BlackBeauty90 my Most Helpful Opinion rank would disagree, but hey, it's your metric. i look forward to your input on further replies of mine!

[BlackBeauty90]

@ShiftingMonke that's barely worth mentioning when this site is full of clowns like quite honestly would almost never survive outside of Mother's basement stairwell

[Gummy_Cluster]

@ShiftingMonke

Anyone with a brain, knows that when in a flight or fight situation, your reptilian cortex will tell you to flee. ALL self defense instructors will tell you that. Don't listen to a word this moron is saying. She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground. Back a raccoon into a corner, and you might win the fight, but you're going to wish you just let it walk out the door. I had a fun friend online, and she was on a dating site. She showed me some of the bullshit posts she got from guys from different countries. I told her that we were going to have fun. I splained that we were going to become raccoons. When hounds (like this dumb bitch) chase a raccoon, the coon runs to the nearest pond or lake. The coon swims out into the middle of the water, and then turns and smiles. Why is it smiling? Because it's on its own turf, and now the hounds are going to drown. Her and I drowned so many hounds you can't believe it. We made a sport of it. These were the scammers from places like India, that wanted her to send them money. We took them out into the middle of the pond... lol

[ShiftingMonke]

@Gummy_Cluster as a personal rule, I don't run; the best anyone will ever get from me is a determined waddle.

In regards to the person at hand, I've already run out of limited fucks to give- I normally operate with few to begin with, and in this economy, they're found in short supply. It took her just under 4 hours to respond to my reply, and in that time frame, she was only able to reaffirm my cowardice and then follow up with a loosely veiled implication that I live under my parents stairwell. Now, in modern culture that claim would also mean that I'm a wizard by proxy; funny enough, it's my wife that has a magic wand. But I digress.

If all she can do is bleat the same unverified claim, protest that people she disagrees with are cowards, then clearly I'll not only fail to learn anything new, but also waste my own time platforming her in my opinion. It's a shame to have finally met a fan of my previous posts, only to find out she's a scant few synapses above a fungus.

Your raccoon analogy is cute though, I wish that I had both the time and friends neccesary to catfish a coondog.

[Gummy_Cluster]

@ShiftingMonke

I'll probably get in trouble for saying this, but they were all wealthy Indian doctors that had their wallets stolen. lol


The time part was easy, because we were both at work, and worked nights with nothing to do.

[ShiftingMonke]

@Gummy_Cluster ah well thats a shame. Haha night shifts with nothing to do is why I'm here! Maybe I should be robbing scammers instead of being a coward online?

[SnowedIn]

Thank you for MHO.

[Gummy_Cluster]

That girl who called you a coward sounds like she's fun at parties. I wonder if she takes the stick out of her ass before she goes.

[xCherryKizz]

So many things but honestly i think it depends on what your friendship does for you. You can influence her and give some advice, but the actions is all hers to make. You can't literally break them up unless they do it in the end themselves. So i dont think it's "bad" to interfere in friend's problems. Otherwise what are friends for?

Also for your friend, it's fairly obvious from the amt of idea i get from your story that she is in a toxic relationship. I think you guys should have a 1 on 1 talk about how she feels, not what she think is "right" for him and them. Walking away can be hard but let her figure out the answers herself, then maybe she can decide what to do with her boyfriend

[Asker]

This was more helpful thank you know. A very fair approach. I’m really considering stepping back from the friendship entirely, but I also don’t think it would hurt to give her the same sort of neutral advice. Another concern of mine is that in the past, when I’ve really gotten involved in my friends’ relationships by trying to help more, it always backfired. The friend never broke up with the guy and I was always left feeling foolish. So I think a bit of my leeriness comes from that as well and contributes to the conflicted feelings. Like is it better to just be passive when they never leave that situation at the end of the day? I don’t know.

[xCherryKizz]

I know what it feels like because I've been on that end too. I'm very protective, and i realise that some people need consolation while some others need real solutions, so when they dont take my advice i feel bad which makes me want to ignore them completely.

Dont over devote yourself because in the end it's not our business, but just be there to hear them out regardless of their choice. Most of my friends just need that moral support, time will tell

[BlackBeauty90]

You've done the right thing and I would say support and help her.

I'd also look at your boyfriends conduct. His comments imply he supports this other fellow's behavior - decent respectable men would've stepped in themselves and told the loser off - so you may want to consider that before 12 months from now you find yourself in her shoes.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond. Fortunately her boyfriend being a jerk doesn’t happen every single time we go out, but when it does it’s usually him making the jokes at her expense and my boyfriend feels like either laughing about it too or taking him away is the best way to go. You know how some people will make those really rude jokes but oblivious about it? I think that’s how my boyfriend sees it, like oh it’s not a big deal he’s just playing. It’s hard getting him to see my perspective of this and ultimately speak up when her boyfriend is a jerk. So that struggle comes into the mix as well.

[BlackBeauty90]

Stop making excuses for your boyfriend.

A decent man or woman would be telling her boyfriend to fuck off and stop abusing her through demeaning or insulting comments from the sounds of it, no matter how uncommon it is.

You excusing your boyfriend means that you are excusing him for being almost as much as a douchebag as her boyfriend.

[Asker]

Never made excuses for my boyfriend, I just shared his POV and where we clash about the situation. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, have a nice day.

[Guy13]

What a mess. No idea. Good luck sorting this out.

[Asker]

I know, thanks

[SlothySlob]

Real or not, in this example both of the men are selfish. One more than the other, but still. I'd suggest reminding your lover not to view people as objects. Another question for him to digest is, who does he value more, the girl from the other couple or the guy? Does your lover see the other guys behavior or does it not bother him?
For how you should act around the girl, I'd say supportive. If it's true, she needs someone who looks like they care for her. I don't know where you're from, in what kind of relationship you and the other couple are, married or not and under which religion. Sadly it's never so simple.

[AydenHazor]

You should absolutely be there for her. Her well being is far more important than maintaining the status quo so you can hang out with them as a couple. Offer her support and give her more unbiased advice. If your boyfriend has a problem with it, that's a red flag on his part. Having friends that are a couple is never reason to stand by when one of them is degraded, manipulated and potentially abused.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[hp4364]

If i were in your place i would help her out. In my opinion helping a person takes priority over the possibility that this would mess our relationship

[Asker]

Thank you for taking time to respond, it’s appreciated. Fortunately her boyfriend being a jerk doesn’t happen every single time we go out, but when it does it’s usually him making the jokes at her expense and my boyfriend feels like either laughing about it too or taking him away is the best way to go so she won’t feel embarrassed. You know how some people will make those really rude jokes but oblivious about it? I think that’s how my boyfriend sees it, like oh it’s not a big deal he’s just playing. It’s hard getting him to see my perspective of this and ultimately speak up when her boyfriend is a jerk. So that struggle comes into the mix as well.

[hp4364]

I would say if it affects your relationship or has changed your relationship in any bad way then i would suggest you to leave immediately

[Asker]

Thank you, fortunately this isn’t a situation that directly affects our relationship, we just clash about how to approach it. I think in his mind, at best her boyfriend is very rude but not doing anything “concerning”. But from my view her boyfriend is very disrespectful and embarrasses her. I may just step back from these friendships altogether lol. Anyway thanks again for your opinion, it helps.

[Mayo503]

Wow… sounds like a bit of a mess
But I say keep what you wanted to do in the first place but just beware of what you say to her …
Of course you can be her friend which you are…
So yea go …

[Iron_Man]

Just keep it professional, and keep It at good friendly advice like a counselor would