Why is dating so crappy today?

[Anonymous]

I’m 27, and a virgin. Never had a girlfriend. I am relatively successful for my age from a financial perspective - make 100k+, net worth of 200k. Body wise I’m 5’10 160 pounds. I’m kind of weak, but getting stronger by the day - after recovering from an injury I can do 23 pushups in a row now. The goal is to be able to do 35 in a row by the end of March.

I always find myself fawning over one particular girl at any given time. To the point where I would do anything to make her happy. It feels good to be altruistic, but I put myself in so many positions where my heart gets broken over and over again. I haven’t asked a girl out on a date in 10 years due to lack of confidence, but also STD scares - a family member is currently battling HPV related cancer. I also tried online dating but that didn’t work for me.

I feel like I would be a very good partner, but when you’re 27 and nobody has ever liked you in that way, it’s hard to dig deep and believe it could really happen. It makes me think I must be genuinely ugly from a looks perspective. After a while this hurts less and less, but it would be incredible to get into a loving relationship with someone I can trust. It just feels like dating today is an impossibility for me. If you don’t stand out, you don’t even have a shot at getting an average looking girl to be attracted to you. You would think average men pair up with average women and so on, but that’s just not the case anymore. Oh well

[LazerBean]

It could be a lot of things. It could be something big like you have something about your personality that puts people off, or it could be something super simple. I know one girl who has everything that a good wife should have, but is also 27 and never been in a relationship. Personally, I think it's just as simple as her not putting any effort into being available enough and also having a pretty hard to get along with family.

[Akam93]

Because people get more crappy each day.

[FilmGuy93]

There could be something about your personality that turns people off, but it's also possible that women you're interacting with don't have the confidence to have a relationship with someone like you.

Many times, if everyone else is a problem; the problem is you.

But sometimes, everyone else really is the problem.

[LiamJHayden]

Dating is harder because you are not only competing against local guys, but against every con artist online.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you've had that experience. It seems like you're a genuinely good guy and I wish I could give more words of support right now. What I can say is that for many average people, we don't really focus on all of that. We tend to go after people based solely on physical/emotional attraction and personality. It seems like what you're missing right now is just confidence. Go out and get a new haircut, get some new stylish clothes, change up your look, fake the confidence and in time it will become real confidence.

The key to being confident is simply acting. Putting on a show. Pretend like you're a super famous movie star, artist, or even someone who's super rich and can get/do anything they want. Actively talk about what you want in life and how you're going to get it. Smiling more, cracking jokes, using and maintaining open body posture. People cannot see your insecurities or your faults until you show/tell them. People have no idea who you really are until you open up to them. Sometimes you just gotta pretend to be the person you want to be and in time you will become that person.

I know it can be nerve wrecking to ask someone out or to show someone you're interested but practice makes perfect. Maybe start by asking out girls you're not super interested in but going through with it anyways. Getting used to rejection is something you need in your life as well as getting that confidence boost when someone finally says yes to you. Simply tell yourself that every "no" is one step closer to a "yes" from somebody else. I doubt that it's because you're ugly, I think it's just that you're openly showing insecurities and feeding into fear that's making people not want to be with you intimately. The way you present yourself to people is a major critical issue when it comes to romantic endeavors.

Also fear is the biggest setback in life. When we allow ourselves to be afraid of something, we are perpetuating to our brains that we are not safe. Therefore, it leads us into very dark places of depression and isolation. Actively fighting that fear will also give you more confidence in your life experience. There are many ways to prevent STDs as well as to treat them these days. Condoms, PreP, antibiotics, etc. I'm sure you know this already as an adult. Lastly, maybe you just need a therapist. Someone you can talk to about your life that can give you the advice, guidance, and support you need in order to become that person you want to be. Therapy doesn't always have to be a negative thing or focused on mental health, sometimes it's just being able to confide in someone who's not actively part of your life that can give you a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

It's not. It's you. You have to take accountability.

[slatyb]

Do you actually know any women?

[Asker]

There is one woman I work with in her mid 30s who I get along well with, but I don’t have any female friends who I keep in touch with

[slatyb]

And that's why you have a hard time dating. Have you tried online dating? It worked well for me, but maybe I'm special. Are there people you see regularly that you don't greet by name? Introduce yourself. Learn their names. Find some activities where you might meet and get to know some women. Don't hit on them, just introduce yourself and remember their names.

[Asker]

Tried online dating on and off - tinder, bumble, hinge, coffee meets bagel. None of them worked for me. Matches and conversations, but minimal dates. Most girls who were cute were trashy people and had nothing going for them

[Anonymous]

What is your career or occupation

[Asker]

Engineering. I got my masters in biomedical almost 5 years ago